Lex: Just across the street from my dorm at the Littlefield Patio Café.
Me: Text me when you head back to your room.
Lex: Okay. We are finishing up and leaving now.
I smiled and jumped out of my truck as I made my way to Duren Hall, Lex and Grace’s dorm. I knew where the café was, so I sat down on a bench where I could see when Lex would be walking up. The moment I saw her walking and laughing with Blake, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
I sat there and watched them. Two other people were walking behind them. Lex turned and said something to one girl, and then everyone started laughing. They all stopped and talked for a bit.
I pulled out my phone.
Me: Are you back at your room?
I watched as Lex pulled her phone out of her back pocket before reading my text message.
Lex: Nope, not yet. Just saying good-bye.
Me: Who are you with?
Lex: Couple people from the study group.
Me: That study group is really starting to become a regular thing, isn’t it?
Lex: What does that mean, Will?
Me: Blake with you?
Lex: Are you angry with me?
She avoided my question about Blake.
I didn’t text her back. I watched as she looked down at her phone every few seconds. She pushed it back into her pocket and turned to say something to Blake. His smile dropped, and he motioned for them to head inside Duren Hall. I watched them walk through the door to the building.
I waited a few seconds and followed, but then an older woman at the front desk stopped me.
“Who are you here to see?”
“Grace. Grace Johnson.”
“Is she expecting you?”
I nodded my head.
She picked up the phone and hit a number. “Miss Johnson, are you expecting a—”
“Will Hayes.”
“Will Hayes? Okay, very well.” She hung up the phone and smiled. “Do you know how to get up there?”
I smiled. “Yes, ma’am, I do.”
I made my way over to the elevator. I hit the button for Lex’s floor and took in a few deep breaths. When I stepped off the elevator, I heard Lex’s and Blake’s voices.
“Doesn’t seem like he really makes an effort to come visit you, Alex.”
“Blake, you don’t know Will. He would be here every weekend if he could.”
“Can you trust him? I mean, what if he’s seeing someone else?”
“No, he wouldn’t do that. He made me a promise. Why are you trying to plant doubt in my head, Blake?”
“What about us, Alex?”
What. The. Fuck?
“What do you mean, Blake? There is no us. We’re friends, and that’s it.”
“That night at my birthday party, you didn’t dance with me like you wanted to be just my friend, Alex.”
My knees about gave out on me, and I felt sick to my stomach.
“From the way you look at me sometimes, I can see you’re confused about your feelings. I want to be more than friends, Alex.”
I looked around the corner to see Lex leaning against the wall with that fucker practically on top of her.
“Blake, I love Will. I love him more than anything. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not confused about a few things. I keep hearing my father’s voice in my head, telling me to experience new things and new people, but…”
I moved and leaned against the wall. Lex, why?
“Then, experience them, Alex. Just because he was your first love—”
“Blake…please.”
“You’re gonna see him tomorrow, Alex, and all will be good for a few weeks. Maybe you need a break from Will.”
I waited to hear her response, but all I heard was silence. I pushed off the wall and made my way around the corner. I began walking up to them. When I saw Alex put her hand on Blake’s chest, I balled up my fists, but I kept walking.
“Blake, I can’t do this right now. I have to call—”
“Lex?” I called out.
She dropped her hand, and Blake took a step away from her. She looked at me, and her mouth dropped open.
“I guess I showed up at the wrong time…or maybe it was the right time,” I said.
She shook her head. “Will, what are you doing here?”
She let a smile move across her face as she began walking up to me. She went to hug me, but I put my hands up and took a step back.
“You made me promise you, Lex.”
She looked confused. “What?”
“How long have you had feelings for him?”
Blake walked up and went to say something to me.
I pointed to him. “You stay the fuck away from me, asshole. I heard everything you two just said to each other. If you value your life, you’ll leave right now.”
Blake held up his hands and took a few steps back.
“Wait, Will. Let me explain what you heard.”
I looked down at Lex. She looked scared, panicked almost. Of course she did. She’d just been caught with another guy.
“I don’t need you to explain it, Alex.”
She let a sob escape her mouth. “Will, please don’t call me Alex. Please just let me talk to you alone. Please.”
“I heard it all. You’re confused. Daddy’s telling you to experience other people. That’s what you want. That night of the party, you were wasted, weren’t you? You said you’d passed the fuck out. What happened between you two?” I looked at Blake and then back at Lex.
She began shaking her head faster as she wiped away her tears. “Nothing! My God, Will, I’d never do that to you.”
I took a step closer to her and leaned down. “I just heard him say how the two of you were dancing, Alex. I heard it with my own ears.”
“No, it’s not like that.”
“How often do you see him, especially with all these study groups you go to?” I looked up at Blake. “Are you there every time?”
The fucker smiled and said, “Yes, I am. Always.”
“No. Will, please let’s just go somewhere and talk. It’s not like that,” Lex pleaded.
I took a few steps back as Lex began crying harder.
“You made me promise you that everything would be okay, that we would be okay. You made me promise you that I wouldn’t meet anyone, Alex.”
A loud sob escaped Lex’s throat as a door opened.
Grace stepped out. “Will?” She looked back and forth between Blake and me. “What’s going on?”
I glanced back at Lex. I took a deep breath and blew it out as I closed my eyes.
“Will, I love you. Please just—”
I opened my eyes. “No. No, Alex.”
I turned to walk away, but Lex grabbed my arm.
“Will, please!”
I turned and looked into her beautiful blue eyes as I felt the tears building in mine. “I guess I should have asked you to make the same promise to me, Alex.”
She sucked in a breath of air as I pushed her hand away. As I began walking off, I closed my eyes.
She screamed out, “Will! Will!” Then, I heard her yell, “Blake, let me go! Let me go!”
Grace told Blake to let Alex go as the elevator door opened. Before I got on, I saw Lex running toward the elevator, but I stepped inside with the doors shutting behind me before she got there. The sounds of her yelling for me almost had me rushing back to her, but the image of her hand on his chest while she’d looked into his eyes was now forever etched in my brain.
I heard a knock on my bedroom door, and I flew up out of bed. I threw open the door, hoping to see Will.
“Libby…” I walked back to my bed and sat down. The tears began falling again. “Please tell me where he is.”
Will hadn’t come home for Thanksgiving break, and no one knew where he was, not even Luke.
She walked up to me and dropped to sit on the floor. “I swear to you, Alex, I don’t know. We’ve all been trying to call him. My par
ents are so worried about him.”
“He wouldn’t let me explain.” I cried harder as I put my hands up to my face.
“Alex, I have to ask you something, and you have to be honest with me. I talked to Grace.”
I dropped my hands and looked her in the face. “What did Grace tell you?”
“The truth—that you’ve been spending a lot of time with this Blake guy. Do you have feelings for him, Alex?”
“No! Well, yes…I mean, no. Damn it!” I shouted as I stood up. Spinning around, I looked at Libby. “I don’t know. I don’t have feelings for him like I have for Will, but something is there. I just keep hearing these voices in my head. I don’t know what to do, Libby. I love Will. I want Will, but when I’m around Blake, I…I want…”
“Him?”
The tears were pouring down my face. “I don’t think so. Sometimes, Will sends me these text messages. They drive me insane with lust, and then I’ll see Blake, and I get these weird feelings. I’m not sure if I’m just missing Will, or if I…if I…”
“If you have feelings for Blake.”
“Alex?”
I looked up and saw my father standing there. This was his fault. It was his damn voice in my head that I’d kept listening to.
“This is your fault,” I said.
My father looked shocked. “Excuse me?”
“You made me go to UT when you knew I wanted to go to A&M. I hate UT! I hate it! If I had been with Will at A&M, none of this would have happened. I hate you!” I pushed past my father and ran down the stairs.
“Alexandra Eryn! You stop right now!” my mother called out.
I ran past Colt and out the back door. I needed to find Will. I needed to get fresh air.
I ran into the barn, and Banjo poked his head out of his stall. I grabbed a lead rope, and then I walked into his stall, clipped it on, and led him out. I jumped up on him and began riding him bareback. I let Banjo lead the way as I sobbed and fought to catch my breath.
I wasn’t sure how long I had been out riding Banjo. I just sat on him, feeling numb. When he made his way to the river, I jumped off and stood there. I watched him graze on the grass. I dropped his lead, and I walked over to a tree. I slowly slid down it and stared out at the river. I had no tears left.
I leaned my head back and replayed the whole thing over again in my head. I thought of every single thing Will had heard and how it must have sounded to him.
I closed my eyes and whispered, “Will, please come back to me. Please.”
I felt something hitting my boot, and I opened my eyes to see Banjo. I smiled and looked up at my giant beauty. “I can always count on you, boy. Isn’t that right?”
He began bobbing his head up and down, and I let out a giggle.
I stood up and began running my hands along his side and back. “Oh, Banjo, I really messed things up.” I buried my face into my horse and softly cried.
“Alex? You feel like company?”
I looked up and saw my father. I walked over to him, and he pulled me into his arms. I completely fell apart. My legs gave out on me, and we both slowly hit the ground. He pulled me onto his lap and held me while I cried.
“Alex, please don’t cry, baby.”
“Daddy, he’s gone. He left me.”
He began rocking me while I attempted to settle down.
“Shh…baby girl. Please, please don’t be upset.”
I pulled back and looked into my father’s eyes. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean it when I said…when I said I hated you. Daddy, I didn’t mean it.”
He pulled me back into him. “I know, Alex. I know.”
“I love him, Daddy. I love him so much, and I hurt him so bad.”
He pulled back and placed his finger under my chin. “Alex, from what I understand, Will didn’t give you a chance to explain. Just give him time to cool down, sweetheart.”
I tried to smile. “Daddy, I kept hearing your voice over and over in my head. I tried liking UT, Daddy. I have to be honest with you though. I hate it. I hate it with a passion.”
Daddy laughed and nodded his head. “Jeff told me that Grace told him the same thing.”
“I don’t want you to hate me, but this is not what I want.”
My father swallowed hard. “Let’s get back on the horses and ride.”
We stood, and he helped me up onto Banjo. He got up on Crazy Eight. We began walking, and for the first few minutes, we rode along in silence.
“Alex, I had so many dreams for you. Since you were little, I think I had your whole life planned out. Your mother used to tell me that it was your life and not mine, but I knew you would do what I said, and that’s how I always thought. Seeing you this weekend, seeing how unhappy you are, makes me realize that it’s not my life to plan. It’s your life. We only learn lessons in life by making mistakes. I was trying too hard to keep you from making any, but I made the biggest one of all. I tried to tell you how and why you should live your life the way I wanted you to.”
I looked straight ahead and let what my father was saying soak in.
“Alex, I’m no longer going to tell you what I think you should do. I’m going to leave it up to you to decide what to do. It’s your life, your future, your dreams—not mine.”
I glanced back at him and smiled. “Grace and I talked about it. We were going to wait and talk to you and Uncle Jeff together, but I’m thinking now is a good time.”
He smiled and winked at me. “I do believe Grace has already talked to her daddy.”
I laughed. “I’m not surprised. She utterly hates UT.”
I took a deep breath and got ready to lay out the plans I had made for my own future. “We both decided that we would stay at UT and finish out our freshman year. It’s really hard being away from Luke, Libby, and especially Will, but I think it will be best for Grace and me to finish what we started this year. Next year, I’d like to transfer to A&M and get a bachelor of science in horticulture.”
Daddy smiled. “Horticulture?”
I smiled. “Yep. I loved working every day in the garden with Mama and Grams when I was growing up. I find myself daydreaming about working in Mama’s garden. I’ve always wanted to have my own nursery and teach other people the things Mama and Grams taught me.”
I watched as my father’s eyes filled with tears.
“I think that sounds like an amazing plan, baby girl. It makes me very proud of you.”
“Yeah?”
He stopped his horse. “Very much so, Alex. I just want you to be happy. If that is what will make you happy, then it’ll make me happy.”
I instantly felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. “I guess we should have had this talk months ago.”
He chuckled. “I guess so. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t share your dreams with me, Alex. I wanted you to follow in my footsteps, but I never stopped to think about your own footsteps.”
“Daddy, I love you so much.”
“Darlin’, I love you, and I’m so damn thankful you’re my daughter. Come on, let’s get home. You leave tomorrow, and I know your mother wants to spend some time with you.”
We made our way back to the house as we talked about everything and anything.
“Daddy, what should I do about Will?”
“Alex, I suggest you go to A&M and talk to Will face-to-face. I also think you should take your car to school with you, so you don’t feel stuck in Austin.”
I loved Will, and I would do whatever I needed to prove that to him.
Two weeks had passed since Thanksgiving break, and we were getting closer to winter break. I’d finally broken down and called my parents the Monday after Thanksgiving. I’d never heard my mother so angry before in my life. She hadn’t even cared that I had gone to Oklahoma to help rebuild houses. After both my father and mother had lit into me, they had told me to call Lex.
I wasn’t ready to talk to Lex yet. She had been calling and texting me at least ten times a day. When I’d sent her a text back, sa
ying I needed time to think, she had begged me to take her call. I just couldn’t get what she’d said out of my head. If she was confused about us, then she also needed to take the time to figure things out.
“I talked to Grace earlier,” Luke said.
“Oh, yeah? How’s she doing?” I asked as I continued to act like I was studying.
“She’s good. She said Alex is a mess. She told that Blake guy to take a hike when he kept coming by. Grace said Blake seemed to be stalking Alex, but she thinks he got the hint when Alex told him that she loved you and only you.”
I glanced up and looked at Luke. “Is that so? She should have told him that before.”
Luke let out a sigh. “Listen, I agree with you on that one. At the same time, Will, I can’t say I blame Alex for being confused. I think she was mixing up her emotions of missing you and wanting you, and she was using this guy as a type of replacement.”
I shut my book. “Really? So, in other words, when I get horny, I should just go find a study buddy, dance all close to her, and spend my free time with her. Don’t fuck her, but just lead her on. Do I have that right?”
“Um…well, shit, when you say it like that, dude…”
I stood up. “If she was so fucking lonely and horny, she shouldn’t have run to some guy. It should have been me she wanted and waited for.”
“Jesus, Will, she didn’t cheat on you.”
“No, but she thought about it, Luke.”
“You don’t know that.”
I slammed my hand down on the table. “I heard her! I heard her tell that fucker that she had feelings for him. I. Heard. Her.” I turned and grabbed my wallet and phone.
“Will, wait. Where are you going?”
“Out. I need to forget about Alex for a while.”
I opened the door and slammed it behind me. I made my way out of our building. I had no idea where I was going. All I knew was I wanted to get as far away from anything or anyone who reminded me of Lex.
I found myself wandering around before I heard Joe calling my name. I turned to see him running up.
“Hayes! Why in the hell are you walking around outside? It’s freezing!”
“Trying to clear my head.”
He grinned and nodded his head. “You need a drink, my boy.”
Without You Page 17
