by L. B. Dunbar
I kissed a girl then, and I liked it, too much, because she was a girl. Seventeen or something like that and I was in my twenties. What had I been thinking? However, I knew my thoughts. They were very similar to the ones now. She didn’t look like a child. She was all woman.
Plus, the way she was looking at me then, all saucer eyes of deep denim . . . and come to think of it, it wasn’t much different than the gaze she was giving me five minutes ago. Her sweet rosy lips, which she bit in the corner, just beckoned to be kissed, and not sweet or soft like that first time, but hard and rough like our second encounter. That was a separate night—a different memory—and one that marked me forever.
Katie Carter wanted a damn hero in her life, and I wanted to be one for her. For some reason, I wanted to make her proud. This girl I hardly knew, who kissed me like I was the only man in the world for her, had scarred my heart with a second kiss. I wanted to make her remember me. I’d be coming home someday, and if she meant what she’d said, she’d be waiting for me. We’d pick up where we left off with that kiss, adding in touching, discovering, and eventually me fucking her.
Whoa!
That’s where I need to stop short because I will not be fucking Katie Carter. I will not be touching, discovering, or kissing her again. No, not Katie. Not her. Not ever.
First, because she’s a Carter, which makes her extraordinary in my book and I’m not worthy of her.
Second, because she’s a Carter, making her off-limits, and just . . . I’m not good enough for her.
Despite her filling my dreams on cold desert nights and hot afternoon runs, she is not going to want a man damaged in body, heart, and spirit, who happens to have a newborn son.
Jesus, her face when I told her. She looked so disappointed in the fact I have a child without a wife. I’d never trade AJ, but I’m reluctant to admit that my one-night stand turned into a friend-with-benefits arrangement and thus resulted in a pregnancy that my friend did not want. I begged her to keep the pregnancy and give us a chance. I told her I’d marry her, but she rejected me. She rejected her child as well, and it’s something I’m trying to come to terms with.
Women always walk away from the Walkers.
My mother left my father.
Tricia left Trent.
Alicia left me.
As I stand inside the bathroom, the door now closed, I tip my head back to the barrier placed between Katie Carter and me. It’s all in the past. It’s the history in us, between us, but it’s only that—behind us. My future is uncertain, once again, which is why Tricia insisted I come here. I hated to be a party crasher on Tom’s family reunion plus his big birthday, but Tricia swore he wouldn’t mind.
“You know Tom. The more, the merrier.”
Sixty years old. Shit. I wasn’t certain I’d make it to thirty-five, and I was already thirty-four. I should be having a midlife crisis around now, and I definitely was, although I didn’t feel accomplished enough to have a crisis over anything. I had plenty of issues, though. Severed leg. Single father. Shit job.
I’d fucked around when I first came back to the states with my wounded warrior status. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted after twelve years in the military. I had a smattering of IT jobs as that’s part of the training I received fighting a hidden enemy. Then I was sent to rehab in Tennessee. A horse farm of all places to help me get in touch with myself, my ghosts, and my losses.
It’d been a good place for me but not a permanent position.
I went rogue again, met Alicia, and the past eighteen months is my most recent history and not a pretty one. The only benefit is AJ, which reminds me, I need to go save him from one doting Tricia Ramirez getting her baby fix from him on the lower level.
+ + +
“All set up there? Accommodations meet your standards?” Tricia still has dark brown hair and these amazing moss-green and bark-brown eyes. It fits her personality. She’s stable and tough like a tree, withstanding whatever weather comes her way. She’s the mother I never had as mine left me when I was still an infant. Oh, how history repeats itself. She was with my older brother, Trent, then, and raised me along with him as my father decided the only thing he wanted to raise was a bottle to his lips. Eventually, he’d drown under what poured out. Alcohol killed him.
“You know, my standards are pretty low,” I mutter. I haven’t had a lot of faith in myself over the years. First, when I graduated high school, and then when I lost my team. I live in decent places, but nothing like this house. I’ve had okay jobs but nothing truly fulfilling.
“Present accommodations seem pretty hot.” Leon, Tricia’s husband, wiggles his brows at his wife. He’s a large man with hair cropped short to his head like mine. His cappuccino skin tone is mostly covered in tattoos, and he’s still a tough-looking son of a bitch, but I know he has a soft heart.
As a couple, they’re in charge of this week, and placed me on that upper floor for an unknown reason. Torture. Leon is the only one in the world who knows I kissed a girl who took my breath away, haunted all my dreams, and saved me on occasion when I thought of her in tough times. But he has no idea it was Katie. Leon said he understood that experience. He loves Tricia with everything he has. He had humble beginnings and worked hard to renovate a house they call home. It was my second home during high school. Now, I don’t really have a home but a small rental apartment in Florida, which I hate and isn’t large enough for a baby who will someday be a boy. He needs a house with a yard and space to roam as I did.
I still want space to roam.
“Yeah, this is pretty tight,” I tease, meaning the place as it’s off the charts nice and probably expensive. The view alone has to be worth a million dollars. All that lake and glittering sunshine pebbling off small waves just warms my insides. It reminds me of summer days at the public beach in town and summer nights in fields making out with girls.
Some dickhead better never have taken advantage of Katie like I did.
The thought surprises me and so does the possessiveness. She isn’t mine to obsess over.
“What’s the plan for the week?” I ask, taking a seat at the large kitchen island when Tricia refuses to hand AJ back to me. She and Leon have five children of their own, all of whom are here as they range in age from late teens to early twenties. I can’t keep up with their ages, but their names are Isabelle, Israel, Liza, Maggie, and Junior. He’s Leon’s clone.
“The usual. Barbecues. A baseball game. Time at the tavern. A boat day. The party at the barn.” It didn’t sound like any other week to me for the Carters. They liked to spend time with one another with a weekly Thursday night venture to Town Tavern, no longer the only bar in town, plus they had constant excuses for backyard celebrations and boating on the regular as Tom has a pontoon with his house being on the inner lake.
I laugh as Tricia jiggles AJ on her hip. “How are you doing?” She speaks to my son, but she’s addressing me.
“I’m good.” Tricia looks up, and Leon lowers his head. He’s leaning across the island countertop.
“Woman, let him be for five minutes,” he tenderly teases, knowing how much she worries about me. He looks up at her. “Baby, please.”
The softened tone reminds me of hanging out in their house as a teenager. Leon was always touching her, but not like my older brother once touched his former wife. Leon was respectful, doting, and kind. Shame fills me as I recall my brother’s behavior, and I’m reminded of my mission to never, ever be like him with a woman. I want to call someone baby and have her look at me like Tricia, whose eyes soften as she gazes over at Leon.
“I know. I’m just . . .” Concerned. Worried. Thinking of you. Those were the emotions this woman expressed to me over the years. She cared for my feelings and my well-being, and I’m forever grateful that out of all the things that have gone wrong in my life, she has been one of the few things to go right.
Her, and perhaps a kiss from one hot niece of hers.
“So, Katie’s back, too,” I say, trying
to sound nonchalant. Leon’s head pops up, gaze falling on me. Sometimes, I think he’s onto me, knowing what I did in his upstairs hallway when I was twenty-four. Knowing what I did the second time in the alley behind Town Tavern.
Jesus, Katie was better than a back alley, but I couldn’t help myself then. Those eyes, pouty lips, and a question: Are you a hero for me yet, Levi? She paused, placed a hand on my chest, tipped up on her toes, and kissed me. Thank you for your service. However, I wasn’t having any innocent, schoolgirl hallway kiss. I cupped the back of her head, tugged her hard to me, and kissed the crap out of her, thinking I was teaching her a lesson about kissing strangers in a back alley.
Only, she taught me that little, sweet Katie could handle it a bit rough and give as good as she got, even if she was still too young for me. She was only twenty the second time, and I’d been home for my father’s funeral.
“Yeah, everyone’s expecting the big announcement this weekend,” Tricia says, dancing AJ around the kitchen a bit, and he’s sticking his fingers in her mouth as she hums to him.
Leon hangs his head again, double taps the counter, and stands. “We’ll see.”
“What big announcement?”
“Katie’s been dating Derek forever.” Tricia drags out the word, and I’m instantly wondering who the heck is Derek. “And we’ve been wondering when he’s going to pop the question. We think he might do it this weekend when all the family is gathered.”
“Is he here?” I ask, brows lifting. How am I going to sleep in a room next to Katie knowing she’s doing some guy on the other side of the wall? No, thank you. I’m not listening to her soft grunts and loud moans as some dude pummels into her. I won’t be able to take it. It’s been months since I’ve had sex. Months. That’s a dry spell record worse than the desert.
“No,” Leon quickly remarks. “No, he’s not, and he’s probably running scared because you Carters are a lot to deal with.”
“We are not,” Tricia groans, smiling at AJ. “And what pressure? She’s twenty-seven and has baby fever. He’s like thirty-something.”
“It’s not like men lose that shit, baby,” Leon says to his wife. Are we discussing sperm count here?
“I’m not saying that, but her clock is ticking.” It’s an antiquated saying, considering who Tricia is.
“Don’t want her to play catch-up like us?” Leon teases, as he had Tricia pregnant shortly after they started dating and kept her in babies during most of her thirties.
“I just know she’s ready. What’s the holdup? It’s been like four years.” Tricia has this thing that the longer a couple is together, the less likely they’ll marry. It made no sense to me. Timing seemed irrelevant. When you know, you know. I thought I’d known with Alicia, but that was a joke. Then again, four years is a little long to be dating.
“It will happen when it happens. Or not. Who says she has to marry the guy?” Leon questions.
“Katie’s not like that,” Tricia says, shaking her head, and I’m wondering what she means. Tons of people live together, perfectly happy with that situation, but again, I consider myself and how I’d like to be married someday.
“I’m not like what?” Katie asks, eyes immediately fixating on AJ.
“Baby fever,” Leon states.
“Willing to live with a man forever,” Tricia speaks over Leon.
Katie’s feet stop short, and she side-eyes me. “And this is a discussion because . . .”
Awkward silence fills the air, and Katie waits for a beat. “Give me that baby,” she snaps, although a smile fills her face.
“You all are going to spoil him,” I warn.
“Babies are meant to be spoiled,” Tricia and Katie almost say in unison.
“We aren’t having another one,” Leon warns.
“Umm, I’m fifty-two, pal. No worries, not happening.”
“You know I still can,” he teases her, and a smile blooms on her face.
“Factory closed,” she warns him.
“I’m sensing a re-opening soon.”
“Not producing anything,” Tricia says, waving a hand around her lower belly, and I’m covering my eyes like it will help me not hear this conversation.
“Why?’ I mutter, and Katie chuckles.
“Don’t need to produce. Just need the factory open and willing to service,” Leon adds.
“Okay. Child here. Innocent ears,” Katie warns, walking AJ around the island and coming to stand near me. She stops beside me and then notices AJ’s ears.
“I’m sorry. That was insensitive.”
“No worries,” I mutter, reaching out for my son, who doesn’t seem to want to be relinquished from the beauty holding him. I totally get it, buddy. I’d hold onto her too, pressing up against those breasts and wrapping myself around her if I could.
Jesus. Stop thinking about her.
“When did this happen?” Katie asks, noting AJ’s ears again. My son has hearing aids. With advances in auditory detection, the doctors discovered his hearing loss early, and he’s on a list for cochlear implants once he reaches one year old. It’s a controversial issue among the deaf and hearing-impaired community, I know, but it’s the decision I’ve made for my child. Selfishly, I want him to hear my voice, and I long for the day he can speak to me, as deciphering his cries is challenging on most days.
“When he was three months old.” Alicia was upset. She didn’t want a damaged child, as she called him. It was bad enough she had a faulty man beside her. My leg hadn’t been an issue on our first night or the several after that when she was a booty call. Once we crossed over to let’s be committed, and I’ll take care of you, her opinion became fact. She didn’t like that I had missing parts, even if it only was the bottom of my right leg.
“Is he in therapy for this?” Katie asks, not sounding intrusive, just curious.
“Here she goes. Going into PT mode,” Leon says, rubbing his hands together. Pride fills his voice, and I wonder what I’m missing.
“I’m a physical therapist, which doesn’t really have anything to do with ears. He needs an auditory specialist and maybe a speech pathologist one day.” Katie stares at my son before pressing kisses to his temple. “He’s so sweet,” she mutters to his skin.
God, she’s sweet, and I want those lips on me.
“We’ve been to several specialists. I’ve got it covered.” Especially as it’s only me, I’m doing all the things. Thank goodness for a decent pediatrician who recommended the ear doctor and then that doctor who recommended the hearing aids. It’s been a constant revolving door of specialists with more to come. I’m familiar. I’ve had several specialists myself along the way, but none of my physical therapists ever looked like Katie. If she had, I don’t know that I would’ve been able to concentrate enough on learning to walk and not wanting in her pants.
And there I go again.
No pants. No thinking about the space between her thighs as her shorts are short and her legs long. No thinking about what’s just under the hem and how she’d feel against my fingers or my tongue.
Just no, no, no.
I sound like I’m scolding AJ when he reaches for something he can’t have.
And I definitely cannot have Katie Carter.
3
[Katie]
After everyone’s arrivals, a rousing buffet dinner follows. As it’s summer, the younger set are home from college or on break from high school and have much in common on that front. The over-thirty group shares tales of parenthood, marriage, and jobs. I’m sort of between the two age groups, making it awkward at times. Too old for one; lacking life experience with the other. Then the adult segment of our family likes to drive home the fact I’m not married yet while wondering when I’m getting engaged.
Levi; Lys Ramirez, Leon’s sister; and my cousin Meghan are all from the same graduating class at Elk Lake City High School, and I spend time listening to their stories as they reminisce. When we were younger, Lys was infatuated with Levi, but it was strange to hear her
discussing him all these years later with Meghan when he left the table.
“He’s still so hot.” She giggled like a teen instead of someone thirty-four years old. Lys is married, but her husband didn’t come with her on this trip.
“Too bad about the baby. Geez, who would leave him?” Meghan added.
I don’t have the details but learned enough by listening. Levi is a single dad. He said he wasn’t married, but it didn’t sound like AJ’s mom was in the picture, and it made me sad, reminding me of how my own mother abandoned me.
“Hey.” At the greeting, I look up from my seat on the thick boulders edging the large lake to find Levi standing behind me. A natural-looking wall was built here in an attempt to protect the land. The water rose high back in 2020, and something had to be done to prevent the lake from eroding the foundation of people’s property.
“Hey,” I respond. The sun is setting and I’m just taking a moment to right myself. It’s roughly eight o’clock, and I took a pass on visiting the local brewery outlet with a large collection of my cousins.
“Whatcha doing out here?”
It should be obvious with the setting sun, but I have a different answer. “Just needed a little family separation.” I remember Levi is essentially an orphan with no parents and a dead brother the minute I say it.
Nodding to accept my answer, he holds out a beer for me. “Thanks.”
“Mind if I sit with you?” When I shake my head, he lowers himself to a space on the boulder beside me, and I ignore the pinch to his face as he maneuvers his leg.
“You okay?” I nod at his lower leg, being familiar with a few patients in his condition. Levi massages his upper right thigh.
“It’s fine. Just warm.” The sock liner can get sweaty and itching in the heat of this July evening. I’d suggest he just remove it, but I don’t want to offend him.
