I look at her with confusion before it dawns on me.
“We were mistakes?”
“Yes, you were. Both of you.”
I’m speechless. I never thought . . . My parents were married when they had both Kalum and me. Never in a million years did I imagine we weren’t in the cards.
“The look on your face says it all, and if you’ll listen, I’ll tell you. But you need to not interrupt me, because I hope by the end of this, things will become much clearer.”
I turn to face her, ready to hear about a part of my history I didn’t know existed.
“When your father and I got married, we were both young and dumb,” she begins. “We’d just turned 18 and thought we had the world by the balls and that nothing could touch us. We both partied a little more than we probably should have, liked to have our fun, and when you’re that age, you don’t think the world can touch you.”
She pauses as I lean in for more. “We got pregnant with Kalum because we were drunk and forgot to use a condom. It’s cliché, but it’s the truth. When I found out, it scared me sober. I quit going out and partying, and knew that I had to make a lot of new life choices for my baby. Your father on the other hand? It only drove him to drink more. We used to occasionally smoke pot, and take a few pills every once in a while, but he started getting into some harder stuff. He always said he’d quit, but it never lasted.”
She takes my hand, and I have a feeling I know what’s coming next. “After Kalum was born, I hoped that he would come around and get himself cleaned up. But instead, it got worse. He got involved with the wrong crowds, started dealing as well as using, and there would be months at a time when I wouldn’t see him. But one time he came back, and things were good. I had a decent-paying job and he was around more than a week. He looked the best he had in years. Sober. Clean. And before I knew it, you were on the way.”
I shake my head, wondering how all this time I never knew any of this.
“Was I happy to have you? Yes, and every day I count my blessings for my boys. But I wasn’t ready for another child. Not in the least bit. Kalum was barely out of diapers and your father was one temptation away from leaving again. How did I know he was going to stick around? That this time would be different? All I could think of was here we go again. I was scared, Maverick. I knew I wanted you, and that I’d love you until my dying day, but I was petrified to bring another child into the world, because deep down, I knew your father hadn’t changed. That for the most part, I’d be raising two children on my own.”
“Mom, I would never leave Scar—”
“I know you wouldn’t. But I’m guessing past history is guiding Scarlett’s thoughts these days.”
The fact that my life story keeps mirroring Grant’s is not lost on me. It might not be the exact same scenario, but man are there a lot of similarities.
I don’t say anything for a long time, instead letting my mom’s story etch itself into my brain.
Scarlett is scared. And this mostly has nothing to do with me, but on some level, it does. I probably didn’t help matters by pressing her about having a kid so soon, and that just compounded her insecurities.
Can I blame her for being scared? No. Honestly, I’m scared as shit too, but for different reasons. I might want this child more than anything in the world, but what do I know about being a father? Lord knows I didn’t have one to set an example for me.
But I know I’ll be there for her. I’ll be everything she and Grant and our baby will ever need. In every way that counts.
“What can I do, Mom? I feel so helpless.”
She brings me in for a hug, the way only a mother can.
“Actions, Mav. It’s all about the actions.”
45
Scarlett
Maverick: Take all the time you need. I’ll be here. Waiting. Forever. I love you.
That was the text Maverick sent me last week. It was a few days after I left for Kalum and Tori’s place. I didn’t respond. Because what do you say to the man who loves you even after you’ve accused him of unthinkable things?
Poking holes in the condom? Where had that even come from?
Deep down I knew. It came from a dark place in my brain that was so scared of being pregnant that I looked for anything and everyone to blame. Unfortunately, I ultimately took it out on Maverick.
The thought of Maverick purposefully doing something to hurt me is absurd. In the part of my brain that’s still functioning, I know that.
So what am I still doing hiding at my sister’s place? Because even though I’m scared and said things I know I need to apologize for, there’s a part of what I told Kalum and Tori that’s absolutely true.
I need to know that Maverick is serious about wanting to be with me. With us. That this isn’t just something he thinks he wants right now.
Because we need forever. We—I—deserve that. And I’m making sure that this time, I’m getting it.
“You’re still here?” Tori grumbles, walking in with arms full of groceries and setting them on the table as I pore over chemistry homework. “You know you’re going to kiss and make up, so why not just get it over with?”
“Are you trying to kick me out? Am I already cramping your style?” I ask, knowing that she’s half-teasing, half-trying to fish information out of me.
“Yes. You are. I haven’t had sex in random places in my house for a week. We’ve had to do it on the bed. Every. Time. That shit gets boring. So I’m going to need you and Mav to get this fixed so I can go back to having wild monkey sex on that table.”
I look down at the table where I’m sitting and carefully move my books. I should’ve known there wasn’t a safe surface in this place.
“I’m sorry I’m such a cockblock. But . . . I’m just . . . I’m not ready yet.”
The shakiness in my voice breaks her from her sarcastic tone and she sits next to me, taking my hands in hers.
“What aren’t you ready for?”
“Everything.” It’s the God’s honest truth.
“Well, you have about seven months to get ready for this baby, so we can deal with that later. But I’m guessing it’s not really the baby you’re scared of?”
I nod. She’s right. She’s absolutely freaking right.
“What if he leaves me, Tori? I love him so much, and I know I’m the one pushing him away right now, but what if he doesn’t really want this? That we’re too much? I don’t know if I could lose him, only to be constantly reminded of him through our baby.”
I let my insecurities flow out of me, needing the therapy.
“No one can promise anything,” she begins. “Nothing in this life is promised. All we have is today. This hour. This minute. Would you rather push him away and not have any todays? Or would you rather have as many todays as you possibly can before there are no more to have?”
Her words hit me straight in the heart. I never thought of it like that. For so long, I’ve been afraid of possible hurt in the future, and somewhere along the way, I became afraid of the present. I’ve been only surviving, and not fully enjoying what I actually have.
I have a beautiful, amazing son. I have a sister who, despite being loud and obnoxious and a pain in the ass sometimes, is the best sister in the world. I have friends. Family. A good job. The chance at a better one.
And I have Maverick. Who despite my freak-outs, insecurities, and everything else that comes along with me, still loves me. Who has shown me in a million different ways that he wants to be with me. With us.
“I am a fucking idiot.”
“‘Bout time you figured it out,” Tori replies, looking at her nails like she’s bored with this conversation.
Just as the realization hits me that I’m about to push away the best thing that might’ve ever happened to me, it hits me again. But this time, in a completely different way.
In a great way. In an exciting way.
“Oh my God! I’m having a baby!”
The tone of my voice freaks Tori ou
t, but when her eyes meet with mine, she realizes what just happened. Without another word, we both stand up, jumping for joy and spinning each other around.
“I’m going to be an aunt again!” Tori cries, doing a little victory dance.
“Grant is going to have a little brother or sister!” I exclaim, allowing myself to bask in the joy.
“I hope it’s a girl and she’s exactly like me,” Tori says.
“I hope so too, because you’ll be babysitting her every weekend.”
Our laughs fill the room as Kalum walks in with Grant in tow, seemingly confused by our sudden party.
“Not that I’m going to complain, but what are we so excited about?”
“Scarlett realized that she’s an idiot, that she loves your brother, and that she’s having a baby!” Tori says all in one breath.
A smile breaks out on Kalum’s face. I’m pretty sure Grant has no idea what’s really going on; he’s just excited he gets to dance around with us.
I pick him up, bring him in for a kiss, and dance around to no music with my little boy.
“You’re going to be a big brother,” I say, not knowing if he knows what that means, but the weight of my words hits me hard. For the first time since I found out, it’s in a good way—not in a way that makes me run for the hills.
“Brudder!” he says, making us laugh.
“I need to get him back,” I say to Tori and Kalum.
“What can we do? You name it, and we’ll make it happen,” Tori says confidently.
It only takes me two seconds to figure it out.
“Do you have any cookie sheets?”
46
Maverick
I’ve become a man possessed. And Kalum inspecting my work like he’s going to find something wrong with it is not sitting well with me.
“Are you sure you like that shade of green?” Kalum asks, analyzing the chevron pattern that’s now on the walls of the room that used to be my home office. “Looks a little pukey to me.”
“Nah,” Jaxson chimes in, “it’s seafoam.”
“And how the hell do you know that?”
“My wife is an art teacher. I can name you the six different variations of seafoam, and don’t get me started on green in general.”
“Are you assholes going to pick apart colors, or are you going to help me put this together?”
Even though I’ve not heard a word from Scarlett in more than a week, ever since I had that heart-to-heart with my mother, I’ve had one focus. Well, two:
Giving Scarlett the time she needs, because deep down I know we aren’t done.
And having a nursery ready for her when she comes home.
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but I couldn’t think of anything else. This is my action. Showing her that I’m ready for this next step.
So I’ve spent every waking moment, and some when I probably should’ve been sleeping, putting together a nursery. I realize the baby is months away. And I probably should consult with her on cribs, and a rocking chair, and a changing table, but once you go down that Pinterest rabbit hole, there’s no coming back.
The doorbell startles me as I’m trying to figure out how many different pieces there can possibly be in a crib. I look at Jaxson and Kalum, neither of whom is doing anything.
“Will one of you get that? I’m kind of busy here.”
“Your house, brother. Wouldn’t want to let any strangers in.”
I roll my eyes as neither of them moves a muscle toward the door. I swear they’re just here for the beer I promised.
When I look through the peephole to see who it is, my breathing stops. I open the door quickly, scared that I’m imagining things, but standing in front of me is the best sight I could see.
Scarlett and Grant. Standing hand-in-hand like they first did all those months ago. Holding a container I’m guessing is filled with chocolate chip cookies.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” The words coming out of her mouth are reminiscent of the ones she said to me a lifetime ago—or at least it feels like it’s been that long.
“Mavwick!” Grant yells, jumping up and down with his arms outstretched. I can’t deny him. I’ve missed him so much. I swoop down and pick him up, leading them into the house, holding him like he might disappear.
I turn around to look at Scarlett, and I forget to breathe for a second. She’s gorgeous. Glowing. I always thought it was bullshit when I’d hear people say that about pregnant women, but it’s true. Maybe it’s because I know she’s carrying my child. Or perhaps it’s because it’s been a week since I’ve laid eyes on her. But I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
“Scarlett . . .” I begin, but she shakes her head, cutting me off.
“Please, Maverick. I need to say a lot of things, and if you start, I know I’ll forget everything I want to say.”
I nod, motioning us over to the couch and lifting Grant onto my lap.
“Maverick, I am so sorry.”
“Scarlett, you don’t have—”
“Please. Let me get this out.”
I nod and sit back, giving her the floor.
“I’m sorry for the awful things I said. That I accused you of. It’s no excuse, but I was scared and freaked out and I wasn’t thinking.”
“I forgive you.” And I do.
“Also, I’m sorry for leaving without a word. Again, I was scared. So much was changing and it felt like everything was spinning out of control. I needed some time to get my head on right. But I also wanted to give you time to make sure you wanted this, too. And before you say that you do, I want you to truly answer me: Maverick, are you in this? Are we in this together? Not playing house, but for real?”
I know what she’s asking me, and what she’s not asking me. After my talk with my mom, and knowing the fears Scarlett has expressed to me since she moved in, I understand where she’s coming from. And it’s only made me want to be here for her even more.
“Yes, pretty girl. I’m in this. For real. Forever. But I want you to know, I’m scared too. I don’t know if I’ll be a good dad. I didn’t have one to show me how to do this stuff. I’m winging it every time Grant asks me something new. But I promise you this: I’ll never leave you. You’ll never have to do this on your own. I know you’re worried about school, and your career, and I’ll make sure you get everything you want. We will make it work. I will help you make it work. I love you. I love Grant. And I love this little one we didn’t plan on but already love so much.”
Tears start running down her face.
“Are you okay? What did I say? Whatever I said that upset you, I’ll take back,” I tell her.
She laughs, shaking her head. “See these?” she points to her tears. “These are called pregnancy tears. You’ll see them multiple times a day for no reason whatsoever. You ready for that? You ready for random food cravings at three in the morning when I make you go buy me pickles?”
She asks it with a smile, and just like that, I know everything is going to be okay. I know I can’t anticipate everything that’s about to happen, but I know that we’re in this. Together.
I adjust Grant on my lap and lean in, needing to feel Scarlett’s lips on mine. Our real kiss will come later, but right now, with him on my lap and her in front of me, this is about as perfect as you can get.
“Hey, look who it is! Scarlett! Grant! What’s going on?” Kalum yells, coming down the hall. We laugh and separate, with Grant running toward his uncle.
“Wow. I had no idea she was coming here today,” Jaxson says with a smirk on his face.
I look at them, then look at Scarlett, who’s now wearing a matching smile.
“They knew you were coming?”
She nods. “I had to make sure you were here. They said they had the perfect way to keep you occupied.”
“And that’s our cue to leave,” Kalum says, kissing Grant on the head and putting him down, heading for the door. “I’l
l drop off your stuff later, Scarlett. That is, if you aren’t coming back tonight?”
I pull her into my arms, planting a huge kiss on her cheek. “Nope. She’s right where she needs to be.”
My two best friends smile and exit, leaving me feeling more comfortable in my house than I’ve felt in days.
“So, did I see cookies in that container?” I ask, still holding her tight.
“Maybe. But first, I want to know what the three of you were up to before I got here.”
I shake my head. “I can’t show you yet. It’s a surprise.”
She gives me a skeptical look. “What are you up to, Maverick West?”
I kiss her again, this time deeper. Longer. Making me whole again.
“Just trying to give you everything you could ever want, and some things you didn’t know you wanted.”
47
Scarlett
The lights around the eight-foot Christmas tree illuminate the living room. Stockings are hung on the mantle above the fireplace, and the sounds of the Grinch giving presents back to the residents of Whoville are coming from the television.
Grant is fighting sleep on the floor, surrounded by his haul of new toys from Santa, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and of course, Maverick and me.
Our first Christmas spent together couldn’t have gone any better.
“Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?” Maverick asks, moving me between his legs on the couch, my back to his front. His arms circle around me and his hands go directly to my belly. His favorite place to be these days.
“More than I ever could’ve wanted.”
And it’s not just a cliché. It’s the truth. I moved back in as soon as apologies were exchanged. We then had a very long talk about everything. Our goals. Our future plans. Our insecurities. How we want to raise not only the baby growing inside me, but Grant as well. Maverick told me that one day, he wants to adopt Grant, as long as Ryan won’t contest. He doesn’t want Grant to have to go through a battle.
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