I probably should have felt embarrassed or sorry. But I didn’t.
Well, that wasn’t precisely true. I did feel sorry.
For me.
Because now I knew exactly what I was missing out on.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I offered to take my car, as I figured I would care less about any potential damage from tying the tree to the top. He was so enthusiastic about our trip and next thing I knew we were at the tree lot thanks to his very precise directions, which mostly consisted of things like, “Turn right now! Right now! TURN!”
But unlike my last boyfriend, it didn’t seem to faze Tyler that I was bad with directions. He just took it in stride.
I liked that about him.
I liked a lot of things about him.
Naked, wet things.
I shook my head, trying to get that image out. I was so glad reading minds wasn’t a thing. Especially since Tyler seemed the same as usual while I felt totally awkward about what had happened earlier. He chatted about the research he’d done online about how to pick out the right tree and all the while, like a bad person, I was still mentally undressing him. I knew I shouldn’t be objectifying him so much.
I mean, more so than usual.
He said, “Do you know that I’ve never had a live Christmas tree before?”
“You haven’t?”
“My mom had a fake Christmas tree that she would sometimes trot out. Usually only when she had a new husband or boyfriend she was trying to impress.”
I felt that kinship with him again, a line that connected us because, while our experiences hadn’t been identical, we both knew what it was like to have terrible parents. “Our trees were always just delivered to the house, so this will be my first time picking one out.”
“Trees? As in plural?”
“Christmas at my house was like living in a tinsel-covered forest. What kind should we get?”
“I haven’t narrowed it down,” he said. “Let’s go look and decide.”
We passed by a couple of booths that were selling basic Christmas tree decorations. Lights, multicolored glass balls, that sort of thing.
It caught Tyler’s attention, too. “I don’t have any decorations.”
“Should we get some?”
“Oh.” He looked disappointed. “I thought you could just make some.”
When I shoved his shoulders he started to laugh. “Just kidding! Come on, let’s buy some. On me.”
“Yeah, it’s going to be on you. Because now you owe me.” And because they would be his decorations, not our decorations. Someday when I moved out, he’d put them on a tree with someone else.
The thought made me sad.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked.
I smiled, hoping he wouldn’t see past it. “Yes. It’s just a little strange not to be shopping for pink ornaments.”
He picked up some silver beads. “Why would you buy pink? That’s not a Christmas color.”
“It’s my mother’s signature color.”
“I didn’t realize that was a thing.”
I picked up a cylinder container that had red, green, and silver balls in it. “I don’t think it is for most people. Hey, grab some hooks. And a Christmas tree stand,” I told him.
He did as I instructed. “Do you have a signature color?”
No, because I wasn’t a crazy person. “I don’t. I like wearing dark green and purple because my eyes are hazel and when I wear those shades, they look more green than brown.”
“You could get colored contact lenses, but I don’t think you should because you already have beautiful eyes. I like how they change.” He walked away to pay for our purchases, pointing to the cylinder I still held in my hands when he spoke to the cashier.
My heart had stopped and I worried I might need CPR. What had just happened? Had he just called me beautiful? Again? Or at least just my eyes, which were a part of me, so that counted for the rest? I was feeling giddy and bewildered and, quite frankly, overwhelmed. He’d just dropped a second beautiful bomb on me and it happened to be the same day I’d experienced the gloriousness of his entirety.
It was too much.
“Come on,” he said. “What are you waiting for? Let’s go find our tree.”
Oh, I was waiting for a lot of things. At the moment, clarity topped my list.
I tried to put everything out of my mind, every confusing thing he was saying, and focus on our hunt. We discussed the merits of each tree, deciding which kind of needles we preferred. I pulled in a deep breath. I absolutely loved the smell of pine trees.
We ended up deciding on a Douglas fir that had one bare patch down toward the bottom, but we both agreed that we could just turn that side to face the wall.
Which seemed silly since we were the ones who were going to see it every day and we already knew the patch existed. Tyler handed me our bags, grabbed our tree, and we brought it over to one of the employees. The employee rang up the tree and then put it on a machine to shake off the extra needles. It felt a bit pointless because no matter how hard we tried there were going to be pine needles all over the floor at our apartment.
And this year I was the one who would have to clean them up.
We brought all our stuff back to the car, loading our bags in the trunk, and then I helped Tyler center the tree on the top of my car.
“Now what?” I asked him.
“Now I go find somebody who knows how to tie the right kind of knots so we can lash this thing down.”
Why did this make me smile? “You don’t know how to tie knots? Weren’t you a Boy Scout?” I could so picture it.
“Nope.”
Interesting. “And you’re not going to go the guy route where you pretend like you know exactly what you’re doing and hoping it doesn’t fall off on our way home?”
“Again, nope.”
“I like that you don’t try to impress me.”
“I aim not to please.”
I very much doubt that. My eyes went wide. Was that my inside or outside voice? Inside or outside voice? I started to panic.
When he didn’t react and just headed off to find someone to help with the tying and didn’t run away screaming in abject terror, I breathed out a sigh of relief that it had been my inside voice that only I could hear.
My phone rang. Shay.
“Hey—”
She cut me off. “I feel like we haven’t talked lately. We need to catch up. I want to spend some time with you and celebrate. My Mathletes placed first in regionals yesterday, which means we’re going on to state!”
“That is so great!” I told her. “We should definitely celebrate!”
“So tonight, you, me, and Delia are going to Gilded.” That was a new club that had recently opened downtown.
“I’m in!”
“I’ll text you the time,” she said. “Don’t flake out!”
“I won’t,” I promised, just before hanging up. I turned back around and saw Tyler and one of the lot employees getting the tree snug and tight.
“Looks good and secure. Too bad you didn’t have any part in it,” I teased Tyler.
“Hey, I helped. Sort of. When he said, Cut here, I did. Which means I get to keep my man card.”
It didn’t take us very long to get back home, but when we parked we realized we had no way to get the tree off the car. Tyler took all the bags out of the back of my car and then ran inside to get a knife while I waited with the tree. I knew the likelihood of someone stealing a Christmas tree off the top of a car was pretty minimal, but this was our tree and I didn’t want anything to happen to it.
He returned a couple of minutes later and quickly cut all the thin rope. “I’ll grab the bottom of the trunk, you hold on to the top.”
It was easier than I’d thought it would be maneuvering the tree through the lobby, into the elevator, and up to our apartment. Pigeon came over immediately to investigate, her tail wagging as she sniffed the tree.
“This is not a bathroom
tree,” Tyler told her.
“Where do you want it to go?” I asked. He pointed to a spot near the gas fireplace, and I agreed that it was perfect. I put the Christmas tree stand down and Tyler brought the tree over.
“Ready?” he asked. “You make sure it stays in place and I’ll get it in.”
Nodding, I knelt on the floor next to the stand. He lifted the tree up and the trunk wasn’t fitting. I told him, “It’s too big. Do tree stands have sizes?”
“I don’t think so.” With a grunt he picked up the tree and laid it down on the floor. “Oh. Those three bolts? Loosen those and then once the trunk is in, tighten them to lock the trunk in place.”
Boy, did I feel stupid. Just another one of those basic life skills I’d missed out on growing up the way that I had.
The next try was successful and the tree slid into place and I tightened the bolts. “I think that’s it,” I said.
He carefully let go of the tree and I felt like celebrating when it stayed in place.
“We did it!” I exclaimed, standing up to see our tree. “We make a great team.”
“Yeah, we should get T-shirts,” he joked, then he held up a hand to high-five me.
I was being high-fived. I slapped his hand, hoping my disappointment didn’t show. If that action wasn’t putting me solidly in the friend zone, I didn’t know what else would. Other than him making a sign that said, MADISON, I’M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. Maybe that would be clear enough for me.
“It looks taller than it did on the lot,” he commented. “I hope we got enough ornaments.”
“When did you want to decorate it?” It might be good practice for me before I had to do it at the winter festival.
“I was thinking maybe we could leave it bare until tomorrow to let Pigeon get used to it. And then we could have our own official decorating party where you don’t make Christmas cookies.”
“Ha-ha.” I had the feeling I was going to be hearing about my salt cookies for a long time.
“It’ll be great,” he said, as if he had to sell me on the idea of spending time with him. He did not, but I appreciated the effort. “We’ll put on some Christmas music and then maybe afterward we can watch a movie.”
I didn’t know what kind of movies he liked, but given that we always watched what I wanted, I figured it was his turn to choose. With one exception. “You pick. Only no horror movies. If I wanted to spend an hour and a half feeling anxious and slightly terrified, I’d just have dinner with my mother.”
He laughed and said, “I was thinking a Christmas movie.”
“That sounds . . . really nice. Perfect, actually.” I’d been sad thinking about all the family traditions I was missing out on, and this somehow helped make up for that.
Like Tyler was moving past just being a friend and roommate and settling into a spot that felt more like family.
We spent the rest of the day doing our own things; Tyler went to work out and run some errands while I went over my lesson plans and made more winter festival decorations.
Shay texted me and said to be ready in an hour and a half. Then she added:
I replied with a laughing emoji and found myself excited to be going out with my girls. It had been a long time since the three of us had done something fun, like going dancing. It was also nice to be making actual plans with people. My social life with Brad often had consisted of me waiting around to see if he would call and want to get together.
I had a night out with my friends and a private decorating party with Tyler tomorrow. I was hoping that one of these events would help me understand the other. I wanted Shay and Delia’s input, biased as it might be. But I needed an outside perspective to tell me if I was making stuff up where Tyler was concerned or if things had somehow shifted between us and I was too dense to realize it.
Because I’d recently come to the conclusion that Brad had messed me up not only with trust issues, but also made it impossible for me to read and/or understand men. The only boy I’d ever dated had lied to me constantly, so I didn’t know what real communication looked like. Or signals. Or flirting. I was all screwed up and that’s why Tyler’s words and actions confused me so much. I didn’t know whether I was supposed to be seeing only friendship, or if there might be something more.
I needed my friends to help me figure things out.
It was also fun to get dressed up again. Not because I was trying to please my family or impress Brad or make sure I would fit in wherever I was going. No, I put on a short sparkly black dress, glittery silver eyeshadow, and red lipstick just for me. So that I would feel pretty.
When I finished getting ready, Tyler was back and moving around in the front of the apartment. Shay texted that she was on her way and I decided to go down to the lobby and wait for her so that the Uber wouldn’t have to park.
I was feeling pretty and sparkly and even though I hadn’t dressed up in order to get validation, I was finding myself in want of some. Especially from Tyler.
“You’ll have to tell me if this dress looks okay,” I called out, baiting my hook as I fished for my compliment. Hopefully he’d let me land one.
“The perfect situation for any man to find himself in,” he called back, his voice brimming with humor.
With one final nod I came out into the front room. Tyler was sitting on the couch with one of his spy novels. Pigeon was curled up next to him and he was stroking her fur and I again thought that she was the luckiest dog in the world.
He looked up and saw me and just . . . stared.
Like, awkwardly.
Or maybe I was the only one feeling awkward. But it seemed to last a long time and there was a strange tension in the air that I didn’t know how to explain. Or I was imagining it.
He cleared his throat. “Going out?”
“Yes.” My voice sounded shaky. “With some friends from school.” That made me sound twelve. “They’re teachers, too. From my school.” I was dangerously close to babbling. I grabbed my purse from the table in the foyer, trying to collect myself. What was happening? “You didn’t tell me what you think of my outfit.”
“You, uh, you look . . . yeah.”
My heart sank. Was that bad?
And should I ask?
I decided against it. My fishing expedition had been fruitless. With a sigh I reached into my purse with the intent of transferring over my wallet to my handbag and felt a lump. I’d forgotten that I’d stopped by the pet store yesterday and picked up a Christmas present for Pigeon. It was a girl stuffed pigeon with pink wings and I thought she might like it. I took the wrapped box out of my purse and put it under the tree. “Before I forget again, I got a present for Pigeon. And now the tree doesn’t look so bare.”
Placing the present brought me closer to him and he was studying me again in a way I didn’t understand.
“You bought a Christmas gift for my dog?” There was a strange catch in his voice.
“Of course. I love her. She’s a good girl, aren’t you, Pigeon?” She barked at me happily in reply, her tail wagging.
Still, Tyler didn’t speak. Wanting to break whatever this bizarre tension was, I said, “I’m going to go. Don’t watch The Bachelor without me.”
Then he was back, his blue eyes bright, a smile hovering on his lips. “There is zero chance of that happening.”
My joke made things feel somewhat normal and I decided to leave before I said or did something to mess it up again.
It actually felt a little weird to be going somewhere without Tyler. We’d been spending, well, almost all our free time together lately.
But it would be good. I thought a little distance couldn’t hurt. And I hoped my friends would be able to help me untangle the mess that my life had become.
Because I no longer felt equipped to figure it out on my own.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Both Delia and Shay had come to pick me up. They scooted over and all three of us were crushed in the back seat. Our driver was a middle-aged man with a deep Texan
drawl who introduced himself as Jimbo.
I’d just said hello to him when Shay demanded, “We’ve waited long enough. Spill!”
So I did. I told them everything that had happened since we’d last chatted. I told them about the weird run-in with Brad, and how he told me I couldn’t have a job once we got “married” and that he’d failed to grasp the concept that we were done. Then I quickly shifted gears to fill them in on every amazing and glittery thing that had been happening with Tyler. Shay was so excited she practically had hearts in her eyes.
Well, I told them almost everything. But I didn’t tell them about his mom. That was between Tyler and me.
“What else?” Shay asked.
So I filled them in on the present from Singapore, the beautiful comment, and the thing with the shower, which made Shay laugh.
“Oh, yeah, right, he ‘forgot’ to tell you,” she said, using air quotes around the word forgot. “He probably wanted that to happen. On a subconscious level.”
“I don’t think so. He seemed pretty mortified. Although I can tell you, he had nothing to be embarrassed about.”
That made both of my friends dissolve into giggles. The car wasn’t moving and I noticed that we were sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Jimbo muttered something about construction, and it probably would have been quicker for us to walk to the club than it was to drive.
But it worked out in my favor because I still had stuff to tell them before a thumping club mix made it too loud for us to hear each other.
I told them about this morning, about the cookies and Tyler making me breakfast, buying the Christmas tree. I was warming up to what had happened right before I left when Delia announced, “You’ve basically kissed him.”
“What?” I asked, not sure I had heard her right.
“He gave you his glass. Your mouth was where his mouth was. Same thing as kissing.”
I laughed, wondering if she’d been pregaming and had already had something to drink before she left the house. It was extremely silly, especially given that I assumed kissing Tyler would be nothing like pressing my lips against a cold glass. Because I had imagined that very act many times and knew that there wouldn’t be anything cold about Tyler.
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