But at that moment, he realized that the hand which he still held in his own was trembling slightly. There was no reason for her to tremble if she was indifferent to him. He looked more closely at Miss Bennet’s face and considered the possibility that her rosy complexion might reflect excitement rather than good health. That her smile was caused by his appearance? That her eyes were shining with pleasure at seeing him? Perhaps even shining with love? Had he won her heart? He dared to hope this was the case, and for the first time in months, he felt truly happy again.
Then he wondered what she must be thinking of him. He had never gone to any effort to hide his feelings. She had been given great evidence of his love and might have formed expectations based upon it. Even if she did care for him, she had learned not to trust him. Had he discovered her true feelings only to find out that it was too late and he had lost all chance with her?
Had the sun just gone behind a cloud? The day suddenly seemed less bright, and the little clearing was full of shadow.
All these feelings went through Mr. Bingley’s mind in a matter of seconds. He unwillingly released Miss Bennet’s hand for the sake of propriety and turned to greet her sister next. Miss Elizabeth also assured him that she was in excellent health and gave every sign of it. Here was Miss Maria Lucas, whom he greeted cheerfully. There were two members of the party whom he did not recognize, and he was very pleased to receive an introduction to Miss Bennet’s aunt and uncle.
While speaking to them, he saw Darcy come up and greet the ladies. His sisters and Mr. Hurst were lingering behind, and he guessed that they were not pleased by this encounter. They had long ago slighted the aunt and uncle who lived in Cheapside, and rather unfairly, he thought. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were respectable and rather pleasant people. He had already taken a liking to them, but he supposed Caroline and Louisa would maintain the prejudice which they had already formed.
Stepping back to make way for Darcy, he started talking to Miss Bennet again while her sister introduced her relatives to Mr. Darcy.
Unexpected Joy
Upon turning the corner and seeing Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy had not attributed anything to his imagination. His doubts, however, were even greater than his friend’s. The last time he had been with her, there had been anger and raised voices. She could not be pleased to see him, and he was dubious about seeing her. His heart, however, welcomed the sight of her, but he did not hurry after his friend, fearing that he would not be kindly received.
Miss Bingley had been looking toward him and the others as they approached, and appeared not to have seen who was in the centre of the maze, but at that moment, her brother called out Miss Bennet’s name. Her eyes narrowed, and she turned to verify the lady’s presence for herself.
“What a dreadful coincidence,” she said to Mr. Darcy. “We must drag my brother away from them as soon as possible. I suppose we shall have to acknowledge them, but you must distract Charles so that he does not realize Louisa and I have already met Mrs. Gardiner. I hope she will not be too tedious about claiming the acquaintance.”
Without responding to her commands, Mr. Darcy strode ahead to meet his fate, hoping that the lady he still loved, but had lost all hope of, might have slightly revised her opinion of him after reading his letter. If she had read it, that was. It was possible that she had disposed of it without ever perusing the contents and her opinion of him was exactly the same as it had been, without any amelioration in her contempt for him.
Even if she had read the information which he had communicated, there was no certainty that she had accepted any part of his explanation. Nor was the letter enough to make up for the offense which she had taken and his blunt criticism of her family. It could not have removed the bitter taste left after their last conversation. The best he could hope for was that she would be civil to him this morning, and they might greet each other as acquaintances rather than enemies.
He approached with humility, and greeted Miss Bennet first, observing the brilliance in her eyes with interest. They had been focused upon his friend a moment ago, and now he saw all the signs of deep affection which he had failed to notice in the past. At Hunsford, he had taken her sister’s word for it that she had genuinely been in love with Mr. Bingley all along, but this clear evidence of it shamed him. He felt contrition for not having seen it before, and wondered if he had failed to do so because he wanted to believe her indifferent. It had been selfish of him, and she must have suffered because of it. He could hardly look at her, and felt that he did not deserve the kind regard which she was giving him.
He turned to Elizabeth next, knowing that he deserved nothing from her, but to his great joy, she was more than civil. The tone in which she greeted him sounded like one of friendship and she was smiling at him. But perhaps it was just the influence of the day. Who could not be cheerful under such a dazzling sun and a luminous sky? He must not allow himself to be tempted into false hope which could only end in disappointment, but it was very agreeable to be on the receiving end of one of her smiles.
When she introduced Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner to him, he was determined to be polite, but quickly found it easy to be more. They were a well-mannered and agreeable couple. There was nothing at all untoward in their behaviour, and it seemed impossible that this pleasant and respectable gentleman was Mrs. Bennet’s brother. They fell into easy conversation, in which Mr. Gardiner displayed intelligence and good taste. An acquaintance to which he had intended to give reasonable regard for Elizabeth’s sake was turning into one which he welcomed for its own sake.
Mr. Bingley’s sisters and Mr. Hurst had finally joined the group and he made way for them, turning back to Elizabeth. The prior acquaintance with Mrs. Gardiner was sketchily acknowledged, but Miss Bingley need not have worried. Her brother was too busy talking with Miss Bennet to notice anything. Mr. Darcy felt the slight on the Gardiner’s behalf, and when Miss Bingley said that he ought to be getting on and called for him to hurry, he ignored her and continued talking.
Falling into Place
The past few minutes had brought an extraordinary change to Elizabeth’s perspective. She had seen Mr. Bingley look upon her sister with an expression on his face which said everything. He was as much in love with Jane as ever, perhaps even more so, and it was evident that he had missed her. Elizabeth saw this with great hope and began to think this meeting might bring about good rather than harm.
She next watched Mr. Darcy’s approach with trepidation. All the thoughts of the previous week had come flooding back, especially the humiliation of realizing that she had believed false accusations and misjudged him. She expected awkwardness in this sudden and extraordinary meeting, but it did not materialize. He was gracious to Jane, and she saw the contrition in his expression.
She recalled the words that she had heard him speak in the passage and believed that they had not been spoken idly. He truly had regrets. Suddenly, it was impossible to think of him the same way anymore. His concern about making mistakes had made him human, and his manners made him seem remarkably agreeable for the first time in their difficult acquaintance. There was no sign of the arrogance and conceit which she had always detested. She wondered if their last conversation had affected him as much as his letter had affected her.
He greeted her next, and she replied with the warmth and friendliness which she now felt he deserved. He was as gracious to her as he had been to Jane, but she saw sadness in his eyes as they met with hers. She felt his pain, and an inexplicable wish that she had not been the cause of it. She saw how reluctantly he transferred his attention from her to Maria and felt the honour of being the object of his affections. It was clear that they had not been diminished by her refusal, but very odd that this realization gave her a warm feeling. She had never welcomed his attentions, but she now felt an unexpected pleasure at knowing herself to still be so well-regarded by him.
In introducing the Gardiners, she was interested to see how he would receive the acquaintance, and was pleasantly surprised by his a
ttentiveness to them. While conversing with her uncle, he was both animated and comfortable in appearance. There was nothing to suggest that he was only tolerating them for the sake of propriety or to make an impression upon her.
Now, two questions formed in her mind. In the first place, she wondered if he had always been so exceptionally handsome, and in the second, she wondered why she was suddenly inclined to notice it. In the past week, she had felt some compassion for his disappointment, but had never regretted refusing his offer. It was strange to realize that she was currently feeling the stirring of attraction. How odd it was that despite her quarrels with him, she could now only see that a very good sort of man stood before her. A man whom she was interested to know better.
It pleased her that he turned toward her in making way for the others to speak to the Gardiners. Unlike her sister, who was engrossed in conversation with Mr. Bingley, she noticed Miss Bingley’s and Mrs. Hurst’s hurry to get the formalities over with and guessed that they did not want their brother to comprehend that this was not the first occasion of their meeting. She saw their disdain for her relatives, and all her dislike for these haughty ladies resurged.
In a moment, Miss Bingley said, “We must start making our way back. Hurry up Charles,” she cried. “Come Mr. Darcy.”
It was pleasing to see Mr. Darcy ignore her, and even more pleasing to hear Mr. Bingley reply, “There is no need to rush away. I think we should all walk back together.”
Mrs. Gardiner needed no more encouragement than Mr. Bingley’s words to step into action on her niece’s behalf. She had been noticing the expression on his face and all the signs that he was very much in love with Jane. Whatever had kept him from visiting her in London, it had not been indifference. If anything, she thought that he gave an appearance of being nervous out of doubt about whether his feelings were returned.
The behaviour of his sisters confirmed her suspicions that it was they who had kept him away. Miss Bingley’s haste to get away was insulting, but her brother’s eagerness for the parties to join together was of much more interest. For her niece’s sake, Mrs. Gardiner was willing to sacrifice some part of her pleasure in the day. Hearing her husband declare that Mr. Bingley’s suggestion was excellent, she boldly said, “I hope that you will walk with me, Miss Bingley, and further our acquaintance.”
Her offer could not politely be refused. She began walking, and Miss Bingley was forced to fall in beside her. Mrs. Hurst had already set off, dragging her husband with her, so they followed that pair.
Mr. Gardiner, as perceptive as his wife, offered himself as companion to Maria and followed them, thus providing a barrier between Miss Bingley and the last two couples.
Mr. Bingley, having no difficulty in knowing what he wanted to do, offered Jane his arm.
Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth remained, both hesitating. “You need not walk beside me if you would prefer not to,” he said. “You have been very generous in your warm civility to me this morning, but I know this unexpected meeting must be uncomfortable for you.”
“I do not find it so uncomfortable. In fact, it would please me to walk with you, Mr. Darcy. Perhaps you would take my arm in the spirit of friendship.”
She held her hand out, and he took it while giving her a look which contained so much more than friendship.
Regrets and Resolutions
Having delayed in setting out, they were already a little distance behind Jane and Mr. Bingley, and that gap was slowly being increased by their slow pace, so Mr. Darcy felt at liberty to speak openly.
“I have concluded that you read my letter,” he said.
“Because I have not abused you this morning?” Elizabeth asked with a smile.
“Exactly.” He returned her smile, enjoying this banter between them. In the past, he had sometimes wished to emulate her spirited manner, but had never been able to say quite the right thing. “What I wrote was not enough to acquit me of having been unconscionably rude to you, but I begin to hope that you have changed some of your opinions about me.”
“I have, and in the process, I have also formed new opinions of myself. How foolish I was to accept Mr. Wickham’s word without questioning his character. After I read your account, I recalled that nothing I knew of him really spoke in his favour other than exceptional social skills, and anybody may learn how to win friends with good humour and charming manners.”
“So you believed me because I have an ill temper and repulsive manners?”
She laughed. “This is not displaying ill temper at all. I believed you because everything was laid out in the most reasonable fashion. And once I believed you, I felt the mortification of having been influenced by my prejudice. I have my own regrets about the injustice I did to you, by foolishly believing Mr. Wickham simply because he flattered me and you did not.”
“It was not all foolishness. I did nothing to give you a better idea of my character last autumn, so it was my own fault you believed him. I am glad that you no longer do, but I think it is I who was the greater fool. Worse than that, I let my own biases colour my judgment, and gave my friend some advice which I regret. Just as you have realized you were wrong about Mr. Wickham, I have realized that I was wrong about your sister. One look at her face today confirmed that. There is no doubt that she is in love with Mr. Bingley.”
“And he with her,” Elizabeth said.
“Yes. They are deeply attached, and I had the temerity to stand in the way of their happiness.”
“But you no longer do?”
“I do not. More than that, I am convinced that I should never have tried to do so in the first place. It was wrong of me to attach such importance to my objections. I have resolved to never again interfere in the affairs of others.”
“You did mean well,” she said. “Even I could not deny that your reasons were valid, mortifying though it was to have all the follies of my family brought so clearly to my attention.”
“I did that in the most unpardonable way,” he said. “I despise myself for having made that harsh criticism of your family.”
“Your criticisms were not unjust,” she observed.
“They were uncalled for, and I promise that you will never hear such words from my lips again. In fact, I have been insufferably proud and arrogant in all my behaviour this past few months. You made me see that, and I have spent the last week being heartily ashamed of myself. I have turned over my character in my mind and found it lacking.”
“I do believe there is hope for you, Mr. Darcy, if I may be so bold as to say so. A man who sees the errors of his ways and chooses to correct them is a man on the right path. We have something in common in that regard. I too have seen the errors of my ways, and I am resolved to be more cautious in my judgement of people in future. There might have been less misunderstanding between us if I had not so quickly decided that you were intolerable.”
He startled at the word. “Then you did overhear what I said at the assembly. I thought you might have done, but I hoped you had not. It was a deplorably conceited opinion, but I did feel the rudeness of those words as soon as they were out of my mouth. I wish I had never said them. I wish I had taken up Bingley’s suggestion and danced with you. It is much more my fault than yours that there has been so much misunderstanding between us.”
“I think we should make an agreement that this is the last time we speak of fault and who holds what degree of it. Let us move forward and see if we can put an end to those misunderstandings.”
“Agreed,” he said.
“There is something that I very much want to know, however,”
“I am very willing to tell you anything.”
“Why is it that I never knew last autumn how delightfully amusing you could be? I thought you staid and dreadfully proud, but here you have been making fun of yourself and sporting with me as you have not done before.”
“I do have a sense of humour, but it does not come over well around strangers. I have never been very good at speaking in unfamiliar company.
I always admired your easy conversation, however, and it provided me with an excellent example to follow. It is only now, however, that I am putting it into some use.”
“I believe a little humour suits you well, Mr. Darcy. I hope that you will continue to be guided by my example in that regard. I see that we are at a turning in our path. Perhaps this point in time might also be a turning in our association. A moment when you and I can start afresh.”
A fresh start was everything he could have hoped for. As he turned the corner, Mr. Darcy dared to feel a glimmer of hope that that this path might yet lead him toward happiness.
Love Gone Astray
“We seem to be falling quite far behind,” Elizabeth observed.
“So we are, but I welcome this opportunity for much-needed conversation. As long as we are going about setting aside the past, I want to say something about the last evening we were together. I believe my disastrous proposal is an obstacle which threatens to block our way to friendship. Not just because I was atrociously rude, although I am sorry for that as well, but mainly because it must be awkward for you to know that I am in love with you when you do not return my feelings. I hope you will not mind my speaking so bluntly of the matter, but I feel that it should be addressed.”
“I suppose it should. From my perspective, I think it need not be a hindrance. I now feel the gratitude I was unable to feel that evening, and recognize that you did me a great honour. Your attachment to me is a compliment of which I am sensible. My greater concern is for your feelings. I do not know how deeply you feel the disappointment of my refusal.”
“Very deeply indeed, but I cannot see that depriving myself of your company is any solution. I accept that you do not love me, but I still have the greatest desire to be in your presence. Having some part of you is better than having none at all, and if that part is to be friendship alone I will find joy in it even if I am to be denied my deepest wishes.”
Lost in Love Page 2
