by Marie Force
“She’ll love it. Thank you so much for delivering.”
“My pleasure, sir.”
Juggling bags, flowers and the box, I manage to get back inside the building and up the stairs to Roni’s place. From outside the door, I can hear the baby crying. Inside, I find Roni walking him around the apartment, patting his back and trying to calm him.
I put the stuff on the counter and go to them.
“I don’t know what’s wrong,” she says, her eyes big with emotion and exhaustion. “I fed him and changed him.”
“Did he burp?”
“I think so.”
“Want me to try?”
“Sure. Thanks.” She hands him over to me.
“Hey, buddy, what’s all this racket about?” I bounce him while giving him some brisk pats on the back that yield a very loud burp a few minutes later. “There it is.”
“How’d you do that?”
“It’s all in the wrist,” I tell her, grinning.
The baby immediately stops crying and settles into my arms for a nap.
“I suck at this,” she says, frowning.
“No, you don’t. Everyone goes through the first few days flying blind. Soon enough, you’ll be able to predict what he needs before he needs it.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
“How can they just send us home with him when we have no idea what we’re doing?”
My lips quiver with the start of laughter that I know she won’t appreciate.
“Are you trying not to laugh at me?”
“Would I do that?”
“Yes, I think you would.”
She’s so freaking adorable all the time, but even more so when she’s indignant.
“Figures you’re some kind of baby whisperer or something. Look at how you knocked him right out.”
“I wasn’t like that with Maeve.” As I look down at Dylan’s sleeping face, it pains me to admit that. “I left most of it to Vic. I wish I had that to do over again.”
“You’ve more than made up for anything you were lacking at first.”
“My wife had to die for me to get a clue about what I was missing out on, to discover there’s more to life than work. I never want to make that kind of mistake again.”
“You won’t, Derek.”
“I want to be part of his life. And yours. I want us to…” I stop myself before I can say something while running on adrenaline and emotion that can’t be unsaid.
“What?” she asks, sounding breathless.
I shake my head. “Not now.”
“Yes, now. I’m tired of dancing around this conversation. It’s long overdue. Say whatever it is you want to say to me. I’m ready to hear it, Derek. I promise you.”
“Even after what your mother-in-law said?”
“Even after that. What is it we’re always saying? This isn’t her journey. It’s mine. She’s on her own, and I respect that the things she’s feeling in her grief are not in line with what I want them to be, but I can’t control that. I’m the only one who knows the truth about how deeply I’ve grieved the loss of Patrick and the life we planned.”
While I cradle Dylan, I reach out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and run my finger over her face. “You’ve been nothing but respectful of him and his memory.”
“I always will be. I’ll love him for as long as I live, and nothing could ever change that.”
“No, it won’t.”
“That said…” She looks up at me with her heart in her eyes. “I also love you. And Maeve.”
“We love you, too. And Dylan.”
She swallows and licks her lips with a delicate dab of her tongue. “I… I love you differently than I love Maeve.”
I can barely breathe as she says things I’ve wanted to hear for so long. “I love you differently than I love Dylan,” I say, smiling down at her, “and what I want more than anything is for the four of us to be a family. I want you to help me raise Maeve, and I want to help you raise Dylan. I want them to grow up together as siblings. I want to be there for you both every day.”
“I want those things, too.”
“You do? Really?”
She nods. “But…”
I hold my breath, waiting to hear what she’ll say.
“I want to wait until after the first anniversary of Patrick’s death in October to make anything official. I just feel it’s important to me to stay focused on him and Dylan in this first year, not that I want anything to change between us. I just… I feel like I need…”
I place my index finger on her lips. “Say no more. I understand completely.”
“You always do, and that means so much to me.”
“Everything we just said to each other will still be there in October.” I put Dylan in the bassinette and face Roni, holding my arms out to her.
She steps into my embrace. “I probably smell like curdled milk.”
My low rumble of laughter rocks us both. “No, you don’t.” I pull back to look down at her sweet face and can’t resist a chaste kiss now that I know for certain she feels the same way I do. I can be patient if it means a lifetime with her. “How about that lunch I promised you?”
“I could definitely eat.”
“Sam and Nick sent you presents.”
“They did?”
“You want to see?”
“Hell yes.”
“Let’s do it, then.”
23
Roni
I’m overwhelmed by the flowers and baby clothes from my friend the first lady and her husband the president. After I dash off a quick text to thank Sam for the gifts, I sit next to Derek on the sofa, our food on the coffee table. I find myself taking surreptitious glances at him the way I have for months now. I’ve gotten so used to having him around, so comfortable with him that the conversation we just had didn’t feel awkward at all.
“I can see you looking at me,” he says around a bite of roast beef sandwich.
“I do that a lot.”
“Trust me, I know.”
“In all fairness, you knew I was a weirdo from the get-go. The stalking and all that.”
His smile is a thing of beauty, and it’s one of the things I love best about him. I’ve noticed he smiles a lot more than he did when we first knew each other, and I like to think I’m partially responsible for that. “Yes, I know you’re a weirdo, but why are you staring at me?”
“I like to look at you.”
He freezes for a second before he resumes chewing, chasing the bite with a swig of the lemon-flavored seltzer I started buying for him to have at my house. “That works out rather well, because I like to look at you, too.”
I snort with laughter. “I’ve been a whole lot to look at lately.” I’ve never been bigger in my life than I was the last few months of my pregnancy. “If you’re into the hot air balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.”
“Stop,” he says as he tries not to crack up. “You were beautiful pregnant, and you’re beautiful as a mother.”
“Can I say one other thing about the topic we’re not talking about until October?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Anything that happens… Physically… Between us… It can’t happen here. Not that I am in any way thinking about that today or any time soon.”
His lips quiver with amusement. “Understood.”
“Or at your house.”
“Also understood.”
“Turns out I have one more thing to say.”
He wipes his mouth with a paper napkin that came with the food and turns to face me. “Lay it on me.”
“You know what I love best about you?”
His golden eyes glitter with equal parts affection and amusement. “I can’t wait to hear.”
“That you always understand. Whatever it is I’m dealing with or going through or obsessing about… You get it, and you don’t make me feel stupid or overwrought for wallowing in my grief the way some
people would and do. That’s a tremendous gift to me as I rebuild my life.”
“Your feelings about losing Patrick are never stupid or overwrought. It’s hopefully the biggest loss you’ll ever experience, and you should fully expect to experience grief over the loss of him for the rest of your life. It’s not like we just ‘move on’ from losing people like Patrick and Vic. We move forward, but they come with us.”
“Yes, they do, and it means everything to me that you get that.”
“You want to know what I love best about you?”
I give him a playful shove. “Hello, have you met me? Of course I want to know!”
“I love that despite everything you’ve endured since October you’ve never lost your optimism or your joy.”
“Neither are quite what they used to be.”
“Maybe not, but they’re still very present and very admirable. Tied for first place for the thing I love best about you is how great you are with Maeve.”
“I adore her.”
“And she adores you right back. I first knew I was truly falling for you that night I had to work late, and I came home to you two snuggled up in her bed reading stories.”
“That was the night she made me read five books. I was easily manipulated by her cuteness.”
“Seeing you two together like that…” He places his hand over his heart. “I was a goner.”
I could talk to him all day about the things we love about each other, but our lovely conversation is interrupted by the door buzzer.
“I’ll get that,” he says.
“Probably my parents.”
As Derek crosses the room, I watch him go, caught up in the bubble we’ve built around ourselves and our relationship. I’m amazed by what a difference it makes to have shared my feelings with him. It’s a huge relief to know for certain we both feel the same way, even though I’ve been pretty sure about that for quite some time now.
He waits at the door to admit my parents, who come in with grocery bags, more flowers, gifts and excitement over their new grandson.
They hug Derek on their way to me and stop short of where I’m sitting on the sofa so they can take their first look at Dylan.
“Oh, look at him,” Mom says with tears in her eyes. “He’s absolutely beautiful.”
“I think so, too, but I’m kinda partial.”
“How about you, going off and having a baby all by yourself!” Mom adds as she comes to the sofa to carefully hug me while Dad continues to gaze at Dylan.
“I wasn’t by myself.” I look up at Derek. “Derek was with me when I went into labor at our friend Iris’s house. He stayed with me through the whole thing.”
“Thank you for being there for our Roni,” Dad says.
I’ve noticed before that Dad treats Derek almost the same way he did Patrick, as if they’re old friends. Today it’s even more than that. There is genuine affection in the way he looks at the man who has slowly but surely become the center of my life.
“I’m glad I was able to be with her,” Derek says with a warm smile for me as he cleans up the remains of our lunch. “My mom texted that they’re almost to my place, so I’m going to go get Maeve. I’ll bring her back to meet Dylan, if that’s okay.”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit, then. Nice to see you, Justine and Roy. Congratulations on your new grandson.”
“Thank you,” Mom says for both of them. “And thank you for being there for Roni.”
“That’s always a pleasure.” To me, he says, “Text if you need anything.”
“I will. Thanks.” I wish I could hug and kiss him and tell him I love him again before he leaves. I never want to part company with him without telling him how I feel, because you don’t know when you might not see someone again. But I’m not ready to do any of those things in front of my parents, so I stay seated on the sofa and give him a look that I hope conveys everything I want him to know.
After the door closes behind Derek, my dad moves to sit on the other side of me.
“How’re you holding up, sweetheart?” Dad asks.
“So far so good. I mean, it’s a lot… He was born on Patrick’s birthday, and I think he looks like him.”
“I think so, too,” Mom says.
“It’s unbearable that he’s not here to meet his son, to raise him, to show him how to be a good man.”
“Call me crazy, but it seems like there might be another man here to help with those things,” Dad says with a teasing glint in his eyes.
“If you mean Derek, then yes, he’s here, and he’s going to be there for Dylan. And for me.” I look down at my hands because I’m not sure where else to look as I say this next part. “I know it’s too soon and all that—”
“Who says it’s too soon?” Dad asks, frowning.
“Susan, for one.”
Mom stares at me, her expression completely blank. “She actually said that?”
“She did. Her exact words were, ‘It seems soon to us for you to move on with someone new.’”
“How dare she say such a thing to you?” Mom asks, outraged. “You were a wonderful, loving wife to her son, and she knows that. She saw it the same way we did.”
“I understand it’s her grief talking.”
Mom shakes her head. “I hope with all my heart I never have to experience that kind of grief, but it doesn’t give her the right to be unkind to you, especially after you’ve just given her a grandson.”
“I’m going to try really hard not to take it personally. All I can do is live my life in the best way possible and hope everyone I love will support me in that. If they don’t, I can’t take that on.”
“My God, you amaze me,” Dad says, his eyes bright with tears. “Your strength and resilience are awe-inspiring.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“It is, Roni. Listen to your father. We’ve all been amazed by how you’ve pressed forward after an unimaginable loss.”
“Thanks to a lot of help and support from you guys and many others.”
“That may be true,” Dad says, “but it’s due in large part to the inner toughness that’s always been such a big part of who you are.”
“I’ve had no choice but to be tough. I’m the youngest of four kids!”
“And you always held your own with them,” Mom says.
Dylan wakes with a snort and a cry.
“Allow me.” Mom gets up to retrieve him from the bassinette. “Hello, handsome. I’m your Grandma Justine, and I’m going to spoil you rotten. Grandpa Roy is going to help me.”
“You bet I am,” Dad says, sounding choked up.
Mom puts a blanket right on the coffee table and changes him with professional efficiency before handing him over to me to be fed. She drapes a receiving blanket over us to protect my privacy.
“You’re good at this,” I tell her.
“Four children and now seven grandchildren. I’ve had a lot of practice.”
“How long does it take to feel like you sort of know what you’re doing?”
Mom glances at Dad. “Thirty years?”
“That’s about right,” he says.
The three of us share a laugh. “Gee, thanks for that.”
“We’re here for you, pal,” Dad says with a laugh.
Derek returns an hour later with a very excited Maeve, who wants to hold Dylan. We set her up on the sofa, and I carefully place the baby in her arms while Derek records the moment on his phone.
“Hi, baby. I wuv you,” she whispers, running her hand gently over the wispy blond hair on his head. “You be my baby, ’k?”
“He’d like that very much,” I tell Maeve as I wipe away tears. Could she be any sweeter?
Mom makes dinner for all of us, and we’re cleaning up when my phone buzzes with a text from Susan.
We’re coming into the District in an hour or so and were hoping to see the baby. Is this a good time?
It’s not. We’ve had a long day, an
d I’m exhausted. She’s the last person I want to see after what she said to me earlier, but I won’t refuse Patrick’s parents access to his son. Ever. I respond and tell her it’s fine if they want to come by.
“Who is it, Roni?” Mom asks.
“Susan. They want to see the baby.”
“We’ll get out of here before they come,” Derek says. “You’ll be here?” he asks my parents.
“We’re not going anywhere,” Mom says fiercely.
I’m incredibly relieved to know they’re going to stay, at least until after Susan and Pete leave. My dad might think I’m strong, but the thought of facing them on my own has my knees knocking.
Derek nods to my mom and picks up Maeve.
“Say good night to Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher,” Derek says to Maeve.
She gives my parents a shy smile and a wave.
“Good night, Maeve,” Mom says, blowing her a kiss.
I want to wail and beg Derek not to go. Not yet, anyway, but it’s probably for the best if they aren’t here when the Connollys come. Besides, Maeve is rubbing her eyes and acting ready for bed. I give them both a hug. “Sleep tight, pumpkin.”
“I see baby tomorrow?”
I kiss her on the cheek. “Any time you want.”
“Oh jeez,” Derek says. “Don’t tell her that. We’ll be here all the time.”
“That’s fine with Dylan and me.” While Mom and Dad finish cleaning the kitchen, I walk Derek and Maeve to the door.
“Call me later?” he asks.
“I’ll try.”
He kisses my cheek. “Sleep while he does.”
“He’s gonna be up all night after sleeping all day.”
“Maybe. I’ll check in after a bit.” He starts to walk away, but then turns back. “Don’t let her hurt you, do you hear me?”
Smiling, I nod. “I hear you.”
I watch them go down the stairs until they’re out of sight before going back into my apartment and closing the door. I’m dreading seeing Susan and Pete, now that I know what they really think of me.
While I wait, I receive a text from Darren Tabor, my friend and former colleague at the Star. Heard the baby arrived. Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet him.
