Beyond Me

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Beyond Me Page 3

by Annie Donwerth-Chikamatsu


  09:05

  smiling

  until

  our front gate

  opens and closes

  Father!

  we greet him in the doorway with hugs and kisses and tears

  we are shocked to see him

  in green glow-in-the-dark sports shoes

  with his polished businessman shoes

  tied by their laces

  dangling around his neck

  he bought the only comfortable shoes

  left on the shelf

  to walk the twenty kilometers home

  on his way

  shops handed out

  food and water

  to everyone walking home

  he helped put out a pan fire

  at a ramen shop kitchen

  along the way

  he saw

  a fallen shop sign

  a leaning tree

  a broken electrical wire

  Father hands me a paper bag

  he bought sakura mochi

  from a shopkeeper who served him tea

  one for me and one for Mother

  (Great-grandfather and Grandmother don’t eat sweets)

  the house

  09:45

  10:00

  rattles

  with each jolt

  Father shouts

  jumps under the table and

  says,

  wooden houses shake…

  a lot!

  I say,

  our house must be near a fault line

  he says,

  all Japan is near a fault line

  my face shows him

  that was the wrong thing to say

  10:04

  after more clattering

  10:12

  shaking

  he crawls out

  checks gas lines

  water pipes and

  electrical wires

  comes back

  looks relieved

  he goes out to the fields

  checks on Great-grandfather and Grandmother

  asks them to stay at our house tonight

  he’s thinking

  newer

  stronger

  they’re thinking

  older

  more trusted

  10:24

  10:25

  * * *

  Father turns on the TV

  he and I stand together

  watching

  horrified

  seeing

  scenes of yesterday’s tsunami

  along the northeastern coast

  for the first time

  we see how bad it is

  I cannot bear to watch but I cannot turn away

  where are the people?

  I lose my breath

  catch my breath

  hold my breath

  I search each frame

  but

  I don’t see anyone

  only the ocean

  the ocean flowing

  over seawalls

  the ocean pushing cars, boats, vans

  down streets

  past shops

  into shops

  the ocean crushing

  a stand of pine trees

  the ocean rushing across fields

  streets

  houses

  the ocean splashing

  a swirling whirlpool

  like it is going down a drain

  I look at Father

  it is the first time I’ve seen him cry

  up there

  at 2:46 p.m. Friday afternoon

  were students practicing for their choir concert like us?

  were kindergartners already home?

  were first graders walking home?

  were their mothers rushing to find them

  to rescue them

  to run to higher ground?

  were farmers in fields like Great-grandfather and Grandmother?

  were people in shops, offices, homes like Father and Mother?

  were they worried about things falling on them as they ran?

  did everyone escape?

  the TV only shows us the ocean moving beyond the shore

  then

  there are “day after” photos and coverage

  people stranded

  on school rooftops

  people standing

  in front of homes

  offices

  shops

  ripped from their foundations

  boats and cars

  on top of or inside

  buildings and houses barely standing

  people separated from their family

  from their friends

  from their community

  people looking for people

  people alone

  one pine

  stands

  alone

  each tree beside it

  washed away with the ocean

  one lone pine is the only one left behind

  it is a miracle

  Mother doesn’t watch the footage

  saying

  she doesn’t need to see it

  to know it

  to feel it

  she had read about it online

  10:34

  I dash under the table

  and watch warnings flash

  along the coasts on the map of Japan

  above the sad coastal scenes

  and hear details of

  a damaged nuclear energy plant

  close to the coast

  the company struggles to keep it safe

  their workers risk their lives

  the government declares a state of emergency

  10:43

  aftershocks continue

  10:46

  here

  10:47

  and there

  experts expect aftershocks and tsunami

  the same scale or bigger

  so

  it may be worse

  people of the Northeast!

  aftershocks threaten

  there

  the ocean threatens

  there

  the nuclear energy plant threatens

  there

  many of you are without food, water, electricity, shelter,

  family

  there

  is so much worse than

  here

  here

  the quake was so strong

  it bent the antenna on Tokyo Tower

  here

  the aftershocks are not as strong as there

  here

  airports, subway and train lines are closed

  Father will stay home

  until Tokyo reopens

  11:37

  Mother checks her e-mail

  types frantically

  asks me to help Grandmother

  at their house

  the mess is more than I expected

  nothing is broken

  just out of place

  thing after thing

  we put up

  down but mostly

  away

  behind cupboard doors

  we secure with string

  it’s inconvenient but

  they will not fly open again

  we stand together

  looking at the uncluttered room

  something is missing

  Grandfather’s retirement clock still ticks

  its hands move

  but do not keep time

  its pendulum swung in half turns

  half turn right

  half turn left

  now it spins in circles

  on unstable ground

  the clock has lost its chime

  and

  11:47

  I have lost my trust in Earth

  tears fill my eyes

  and then I feel guilty

  TV images fill my head

  people of the Northeast have lost

  so much

  * * *

  no pipes ar
e broken

  we can use tap water

  11:59

  12:01

  standing on the quaking kitchen floor

  it’s too dangerous to boil, steam, or fry

  we use the electric pot

  for “just add water” meals

  I am thankful for Grandmother’s homemade pickled vegetables

  12:11

  12:28

  12:34

  12:54

  13:04

  13:37

  13:43

  13:47

  Father makes tea to have with the sakura mochi

  14:14

  the tea quivers in my mug

  in their cups

  14:21

  no one says anything

  15:18

  15:44

  we are going through the motions

  15:57

  while Earth keeps moving

  16:54

  for dinner

  we eat rice and steamed vegetables made in the rice cooker

  19:53

  the house jumps

  20:46

  shakes

  21:01

  rattles

  rests a while

  21:53

  then reminds us

  22:14

  22:15

  strongly

  to place our coats and shoes

  next to our beds

  I pull my chair away from my desk

  so I can jump under

  23:03

  an emergency ladder rolled up in a tube

  sits in a corner of my room

  23:14

  I hope I never need it

  23:37

  DAY 3

  00:56

  05:32

  05:41

  07:12

  Earth quivers

  I measure the strength by

  07:13

  the pendant light

  07:13

  swirls

  07:44

  08:24

  this one is larger than a swirl

  we turn on the TV

  to check the magnitude

  and see

  a man was rescued

  out in the sea

  from his rooftop

  his wife is missing

  thousands are missing

  the Japanese rescue team returned

  from helping New Zealand

  after their big earthquake

  Japan’s Self-Defense Forces work with the US military

  for recovery and relief

  many nations ask to help

  over ten thousand people may have been killed

  millions have no food and water

  we eat our porridge and pickles in gratitude

  we hear that

  yesterday

  while we were having tea and mochi

  an explosion at the damaged nuclear energy plant injured four workers

  a radiation leak may get bigger

  and

  over 100,000 people were ordered to evacuate

  from the area

  the prime minister says

  this is Japan’s most difficult crisis since the bombings

  in World War II

  08:55

  we swirl

  and

  08:57

  keep swirling

  our world is spinning

  spiraling like it’s

  circling a drain

  I hear Mother tell Father

  she read that

  a professor at Tokyo’s Earthquake

  Institute says

  Tokyo

  should prepare for a large quake

  prepare

  at home

  we have emergency supplies

  in storage

  at school

  every September 1

  on the anniversary of the 1923 earthquake

  that demolished Tokyo

  we drill earthquake and fire preparedness

  on March 11

  our fifth-grade classes were caught in the gym

  we weren’t prepared

  to calmly walk out

  wearing emergency hoods and outdoor shoes

  experts always mention “The Big One”

  that will hit Tokyo again

  is it coming soon?

  a university professor says to prepare

  the March 11 earthquake off the northeast shore

  was so strong

  it pushed Japan’s main island eastward

  created a massive tsunami and

  slashed the eastern coastline in size

  it shifted Earth’s axis and

  changed its rotation

  it sped up time and

  shortened the length of day

  by

  1.8 microseconds

  Tokyo skyscrapers swayed

  shops

  schools

  houses shook violently

  small fires ignited

  what would “The Big One” under Tokyo do?

  prepare?

  nothing can prepare you for bigger ones

  09:32

  than this

  09:41

  10:26

  this

  11:23

  and this

  how much more can this house stand?

  can it stand “The Big One”?

  with rapid thoughts

  rapid heartbeat

  rapid breath

  I run out

  past shoes

  through door and gate

  into open field

  I want to fly

  into open sky

  out of breath

  I fall to my knees

  then back

  onto open space

  I lay my hands and bare feet on Earth

  dig in

  gulp, almost

  pass out

  I catch my breath

  in and out

  I breathe

  in and out

  I release my fear

  in and out

  nothing can fall on me

  here

  Earth

  sun

  sky

  wind

  all

  here

  I am not alone

  behind a plastic sheet covering a seed bed

  a shadow

  stops, settles, and huddles

  farther afield

  Great-grandfather runs a rope between stakes

  pulls it taut

  snaps it

  to mark a row

  11:32

  he shifts from one foot to another

  inches along

  places a seed from a chipped rice bowl

  one by one by one

  into the soil

  equal distance apart

  11:48

  he waits

  turns, hands behind his back,

  drags his foot alongside

  covering the row with soil

  seed by seed by seed

  these steps he repeats

  row by row by row

  11:51

  he loses his rhythm, his pace

  but he keeps going

  I cannot tell if the ground is moving

  I breathe in

  out

  in

  out

  all is still

  in and

  out

  I look over my shoulder toward the house

  Father is checking the gas

  the pipes

  the foundation

  still

  the house stands

  here

  everything looks the same

  here, there

  everything is different

  * * *

  Father calls me in to lunch

  I look back to the fields and

  12:01

  dig my hands and toes deeper into Earth

  the shadow is gone

  at the table

  no one mentions the dirt beneath my fingernails


  * * *

  12:34

  two shallow aftershocks

  12:45

  closer to us

  ding

  a message from Yuka

  hang in there

  with no emoji

  I send her the same message

  Mother is headlong into reaching out

  organizing

  gathering things

  to help the people of the Northeast

  * * *

  Father asks me to go to the one-stop shop

  people are out

  like a normal day

  except

  a sign on the door requests limiting

  bread and rice purchases

  and

  the “heart” and “love” signs

  chocolates

  and

  flowers for White Day

  have been put away

  tomorrow

  no one will celebrate this day

 

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