Teru never says anything about me playing around with guys. I think maybe he’s jealous, wanting to do the same himself. Gay guys like regular guys, just like girls. In that sense it’s a shame that we can’t go to Shibuya together and get picked up, ’cause we get along so well.
I’m in these two groups because I feel like I belong right in the middle between them. Toshi, Terauchi, and Yuzan are nice girls, but they’re so serious sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel kind of on edge, like I’ve always got to say something clever or they’ll make fun of me. Which doesn’t mean I think the same way as the other group, that you can kind of just muddle through life. I want to study and get into a decent college and get a good job. When it comes time to marry, it’s got to be somebody I really like, and my partner’s got to love me most of all. That said, this is the best time of my life, so I figure I’d better enjoy it and not get all hung up on the consequences.
Two other girls in this Good Times group are in the same year as me in school. They come to school with dyed hair and makeup, like they’re announcing the fact that they’re out for a good time. They figure if they flaunt it, the guys will flock to them. I find this all kind of courageous and their flirtiness kind of sneaky. I’m more the serious and “healthy” sexy high school girl—which, I guess, makes me courageous and sneaky, too. We want to get guys to pay attention to us, and when we’re together we help each other stand out. That’s probably why we get along so well. When I run across those girls at school, though, they don’t say anything to me. We pretend to be strangers and signal each other with glances. If we have something we want to talk about, we do it by cell phone or text message. It’s a secret relationship, in other words.
So the friends I can meet in front of everyone are Toshi, Terauchi, and Yuzan—our little foursome—but it’s much more complicated than that, ’cause I have underground roots branching out in lots of directions. What I talk about changes depending on the type of friends I’m with.
The Good Time girls never talk about the future or anything even remotely serious. It’s clothes, makeup, and guys, twenty-four/seven. With Toshi, Terauchi, and Yuzan I can talk about school, college, but when it comes to discussing guys, I can’t talk with them, and don’t want to, either. So each group is kind of one-sided. I guess Teru’s the one who overlaps with both.
Teru says he can relax with me ’cause he doesn’t see me as the opposite sex. We’re such good friends that, like I said before, we even joke about pretending to be married, but Teru said if we did that he’d worry about what’d happen if we were both after the same guy. That’ll never happen, I told him. That kind of situation would only make both of us unhappy, so I’d never do it. “You wouldn’t do it, either, right?” I insisted, and got him to promise. I did this because when I was a freshman I had a terrible experience. A guy betrayed me.
There was this guy I was crazy about. I could talk about everything with him—what I wanted to be when I was older, problems I was having, even chatty stuff like clothes and hairstyles. Talking with him made me feel free, like all the bad things about me didn’t matter and everything was on a positive track. As long as he was with me I felt like I didn’t need girlfriends for the rest of my life. Maybe I never would have become friends with Teru, either. But he slept with another high school girl and when I found out we fought and split up.
When I think about him now I get all sad and teary. I guess I really did love him. When we were having sex, I could barely keep myself from yelling out, “I love you! I love you!” Still, getting stabbed in the back like that was the first crushing experience I’ve ever had. I’m sure Toshi and the others have never experienced that. When things were going well with that guy, I felt completely superior, like I was a grown-up woman. And I wish I could get that feeling back.
One time when we were eating lunch together I asked the other girls for their advice. I was desperate and wanted see what my three serious friends might have to say about the situation.
“I have this friend,” I began, “and she’s going out with a boy from a city high school. She says he’s a senior and pretty busy studying for college entrance exams, but he’s also in a band, plays soccer, does everything well, and is cute, too. This girl says they really get along well and have even exchanged rings.”
Terauchi plunged in at this point: “How far have they gone?”
Toshi answered for me. “Of course they’ve done it. They’ve exchanged rings and everything.”
“Dude. By getting along do you mean sex?”
“I guess so.”
“You mean they’re compatible size-wise?”
“Or maybe like how passionate they are?”
After Terauchi and Toshi finished their little dialogue, they looked at me. They were very intuitive, so I had to watch my step. I went on, hiding my confusion.
“So, anyway, the guy slept with another girl. And my friend just can’t forgive him, and it’s really hard on her. The guy says he was just having a fling, it didn’t mean anything, that she’s the only one he loves. But my friend can’t believe him. It’s really tough on her, she’s so miserable she feels like her chest is going to rip apart, so she can’t forgive him. She asked for my advice about what she should do, but I have no idea what to tell her.”
Toshi had this weird look on her face. “How did she find out he was having an affair? Did she catch them in the act, like in a drama?”
“There were tons of gushy e-mails on his cell phone from the other girl. About fifty every day.”
“So you’re saying this ‘friend’ of yours checked her boyfriend’s cell phone.”
The best I could do was nod. “That’s what she told me.”
“That sucks,” Toshi declared. “Checking somebody’s else’s cell phone really sucks.”
“But if she really loves him, don’t you think she might do something like that?”
I was on the verge of crying. Toshi looked surprised but went on vaguely: “Well, you could be right. That might happen, I suppose. I don’t know, I never liked any guy that much.”
Taking a sip from her water bottle, Terauchi made a sour face. “If this friend can’t forgive him for the affair, why doesn’t she just forget about him? There’re lots of other guys out there.”
“Sure there are other guys out there,” I said, “but my friend loves him. So what do you expect? She got worried and checked out his text messages. She loves him so much—that’s why she’s in agony wondering whether she should forgive him or not.”
“What she should do is forgive him, for the time being, then make some prank calls to the other girl to get back at her. Payback.”
Up to this point, Yuzan hadn’t said a word, so when she muttered this I was shocked. I’d already done what she suggested a long time ago.
“That’s an idea. I’ll pass it along,” I said.
“I don’t think she should do that. It’ll just make her feel dirty, and she’ll hate herself.” Toshi shook her head. She always comes up with the right answer. She was absolutely right. I was already struggling with a guilty conscience. When I told the other girl she was ugly, she yelled back this: “You idiot! You’re just angry ’cause I stole Wataru away from you!” So it was obvious I’d called her out of jealousy. It was like having mud thrown all over my face. And that mud is still there, plastered on.
Terauchi shrugged, agreeing with Toshi, and the three of them went back to eating their lunches like they’d had enough of the topic. It hit me right at that instant that they knew I’d been sleeping around with guys.
When I told all this to Teru, he held my hand and said, “You must have felt awful, Kirarin. Your pride got in the way then and you couldn’t be honest. Pride’s such a pain in the butt. Who needs it, anyway?”
“You’re right, I did feel awful. I didn’t know what to do. I was so stubborn I made a fool of myself. Maybe I should have just put up with it, but I couldn’t. I-I want to see him! I still love him….”
I burst
out crying at this point, and after I had a good cry I felt better. I needed a friend like Teru, someone who could sympathize with me. My three girlfriends and I might get along, but they just kept on growing up, unaware of the pain I was feeling. I think that whole incident changed me, but to them I was still the same old Kirarin: cheerful, cute, well raised. And we were all going to grow up and this gap between who I really was and their perception of me was never going to be bridged. Friends are a weird thing. It seems like they know all about you, but then they don’t understand you at all. Maybe Teru is the friend I really need, but since he’s a guy, at least biologically, I feel like someday even he might betray me. Maybe deep down I just don’t trust guys.
* * *
I lost my virginity when I was a sophomore in junior high. It’s embarrassing, actually, to use a phrase like “lose my virginity.” The whole act was meaningless. I don’t even remember what the guy looked like. He was a student at a private high school and had dyed reddish brown hair. Sometimes when I remember him it makes me feel depressed, wondering why I did it with a guy like that. He was a rude, stupid guy who liked to lecture me on how girls should act. They shouldn’t lounge around naked, they shouldn’t smoke, et cetera.
Ever since then I can tell right away if a guy’s a moron: like if, during sex, he’s not gentle with me. It’s weird, but there’s like a law that idiocy and kindness are in inverse proportion. If, for instance, a guy goes into a club and goes straight to the back to sit down—you’re talking moron. When he’s doing karaoke and insists on selecting only the songs he likes—another moron. Guys who go out to pick up girls are morons, too, ’cause they’re so self-centered. So why do I like to be picked up, then? I can’t figure it out. Sometimes I think how great it would be if Terauchi and Toshi and I could discuss all this, but Toshi’s too serious and Terauchi is too good at hiding who she really is, so I just can’t bring myself to open up to them.
Yuzan, though, is different. Sometimes I feel like asking her advice. But I know she’s a lesbian. Her feelings are different from those of a girl like me.
When we went on our school trip sophomore year in high school, we got hold of some whiskey. Yuzan got drunk and crawled into bed with me. When I screamed, she said, “I’m just pretending to sneak into a lover’s room!” and tried to explain it away. But her eyes were serious. She must have regretted getting wasted and letting her secret out, ’cause in the middle of the night I saw her crying. Ever since then I’ve sympathized with her. Since she doesn’t have a Good Times group to play around with like I do, she doesn’t have an outlet for her feelings. She should just come out and let everybody know, like Teru did. And have a guy as a friend.
It was after one when Teru finally called me. The train was pretty empty, so I went over to the door and we had a long, whispered conversation. The AC blows hard next to the door and I was freezing. My teeth were chattering.
“I was thinking about it,” he said, “and I don’t think you should go.”
“I’m already on the train.”
I was riding the Takasaki Line out of Ueno. It was just like when I go to see my online friends. I go out because I’m curious about who I’ll meet. For fun. Just a game to kill time. When I get to the arranged meeting place, I stand off to one side, dial the guy’s number, and figure out which one he is. I check him out and if I don’t like what I see, then I go home. If the guy looks okay, then I go over and say hello. Most of the time it’s a bust. It’s kind of fun, though, to see through their lies. It’s even more interesting with Worm, since he’s a murderer. I want to watch him from a distance for a while.
Teru sounded betrayed. “I can’t believe it. Why are you doing this, Kirarin? To get to Kumagaya you need to take the Joetsu Shinkansen, don’t you? Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not on the Shinkansen. I’m taking the Takasaki Line.”
“But it’s a long way away, isn’t it? Why go all the way out there?”
“The guy’s a murderer. Wouldn’t you like to meet him?”
Teru was silent for a while, and finally replied: “I feel sorry for this guy—Worm? But I don’t want to see him or have anything to do with him. And I can’t figure out why you’d want to. You sound like one of those stupid talk shows.”
I like Teru a lot because he can give these kinds of serious replies. And I respect him, too. Still, I had to see Worm with my own eyes.
“Maybe I don’t even know why myself,” I said, and stopped. “Maybe I wanted to feel superior to Toshi and Terauchi, too.”
“You already do,” Teru said calmly.
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. Because you’re part of a hidden world that doesn’t include them. Because you have me, a gay guy, as a friend. Because you hook up with guys. Am I right?”
He was on the right track, but it wasn’t exactly like that. I thought I knew about guys, but I really didn’t. I should have stayed longer with that guy who betrayed me. It was like there was a door there, and no matter how hard or awful it was, I should have opened it and stepped into another world. Then I would have been able to understand him. But I got angry, slammed the door shut, and ran away. Toshi and Terauchi might not be like me, since I only know guys in a shallow way; when the time comes, I think they’d be a lot stronger. They would have opened the door. Which gives me kind of an inferiority complex.
“Sorry if I went too far,” Teru continued, “but I’m worried about you. Do you want me to meet you there?”
“No, you can’t do that. You’re working.”
“It’s okay. I can take off early.”
I hung up, then sat down in an empty seat and gazed out the window at the endless stream of houses passing by. The roofs of the houses lined up on the west side glittered in the hot summer sun. If you were looking down from an airplane, it would be even more dazzlingly bright. I have to be strong enough to reflect back light myself, but why do I go out at night to Shibuya and play around, why do I go on those online chat rooms? I know that relationships with guys are superficial, but still I do it. Complicated relationships with friends just wear me out. Why can’t I just be strong and simple? Thoughts like these get me a little depressed.
When I got to Kumagaya, I went straight to the restroom. I might go home without actually meeting him, ’cause I was afraid he’d be disappointed when he saw me. It’d be annoying, too, if I found out I’d been fooled. My face was sweaty, so I wiped it with my handkerchief and redid my eyebrows. I checked my pink T-shirt for sweat stains, spritzed on some more deodorant. Only after these preparations did I phone Worm from inside the station.
“Where are you?” he said. “I’m at the station.”
The guy’s pretty fast. I hadn’t expected him to be there already. I was startled and looked around for a place to hide. I had to check him out first, to see what kind of guy he was, otherwise there was no way I was going to meet him. I circled back behind the kiosks and looked around the station to see if there were any high school–age guys on cell phones.
“How are you dressed?”
“What kind of clothes do you have on, Kirarin?”
“You tell me first.”
“No, you first.”
What the—The guy must be hidden somewhere himself, trying to check me out first. Just what you’d expect from a criminal. But he was no match for me when it came to maneuvering on the phone.
“I’m wearing a bright red swimsuit,” I said boldly, “and black high heels, and I’m carrying a huge Louis Vuitton bag.”
“Pretty gaudy outfit. I’m dressed like an old-time Japanese soldier. I’ve got a cap on, and gaiters, even in this awful heat. I’m a private. I have a carved wooden rifle, too, not a real one, though, ’cause that’d be dangerous.”
A Japanese soldier? What a jerk. I stifled a laugh. My eyes kept moving, scanning the people walking through the station. Young part-timers, grade school kids, a middle-aged lady, high school girls, station employees, married couples. But not any guy who looked
like he was in high school.
“What do you mean, a carved wooden rifle?” I asked.
“What kind of swimsuit do you have on? A bikini?”
“Sorry, but it’s one of those school one-piece swimsuits. You can tell ’cause it’s got a nametag on the chest. It says ‘Higashiyama.’”
“A school swimsuit, huh?” he said, his tone changed. “You’re just screwing with my head, aren’t you?”
I got flustered since he was right on target. How did you know that, Worm?
“No, I’m not.”
“Really? Experienced guys who target young girls like those school swimsuits. It’s obscene. So you know what that kind of guys like?”
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