Kirarin dissolved in laughter, but I was deadly serious. I took the cell phone I’d re-requisitioned out of my pocket and handed it to her.
“Call Terauchi,” I ordered her.
“Call her yourself.”
“My battery’s about out.”
“Mine, too,” she grumbled, but handed over her cell phone. “It’s number five on the speed dial.”
“What’s up?” this listless girl’s voice answered right away, like she’d been waiting for the call.
“It’s me. Worm.”
The line was silent for a second, and then she spoke briskly.
“You’re kidding, right? Why the heck are you calling me? Don’t bother me.”
She spoke in this quick, low voice that revealed how smart she was. The kind of girl I have the most trouble dealing with. Totally different from a lowly foot soldier like Kirarin.
“I’ve got something to ask you,” I said.
“It’s so weird you’d use the nickname Worm yourself. It was Toshi who gave you that nickname.”
“Whatever. That’s not the point.”
I was getting irritated, finding myself adjusting to her tempo.
“Is Kirarin really with you? Put her on.”
While I was asleep Kirarin must have been phoning everyone. But I couldn’t let on that I knew that.
“It’s top secret, so I can’t say.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Terauchi said solemnly, “just put her on. That’s her phone you’re using, right? So is she alive? At least tell me that.”
There was no way around it, so I handed the phone to Kirarin. She answered in that cutesy, friendly voice she reserves for phone calls.
“Everything’s fine, Terauchi. I’m so sorry I made you worry about me. I’ve been going through some really weird times, I can tell you that. I called my parents and told them I was staying over at your place, so play along, okay? I’ll leave Worm after a while, so not to worry. He’s not dangerous at all, though kind of weird. Just a sec, I’ll put him back on. He said he wants your advice about something.”
“My advice?!” Terauchi was pissed. “Listen, you’re threatening Kirarin, right? She’s a good kid, so don’t trick her.”
“You’re the ones who’ve been tricked,” I said. “You know something? She’s pretty hot.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Damn. I didn’t give a shit about these girls’ power relationships, their friendship, the kind of people they really were.
“Forget about it. I want you to ghostwrite something for me. How about it?”
“By ghostwrite do you mean a ghost story? Or maybe some horror story?” Terauchi said, trying to make a lame joke out of it.
“Gimme a break. I want you to pretend you’re a boy who’s killed his mother and write a story about it. It doesn’t have to be long, but something that’s better than what that killer Sakakibara wrote. Sprinkle in some Dostoyevsky or Nietzsche or whatever. But do a good job of incorporating those, so nobody can trace the source. Then sort of wrap it up like ‘Evangelion.’ Or maybe—it might be better to make it all avant garde–ish, know what I mean? Philosophy of life, moaning and groaning about the absurdity of it all, like that. I’m counting on you. If a story doesn’t work out, then a poem’s fine. If you make it kind of incomprehensible and look cool then a poem might just do the trick. The kind of poem that they could use as evidence in a psych evaluation, that sort of thing. Something that hides my real intentions and confuses the reader.”
Terauchi’s voice revealed her surprise.
“You want me to do this?” she asked. “Why me? You going to pay me? It’s not worth it, even if you did. I mean, if they catch you then they’ll print what I wrote. If people think it’s well done, that doesn’t do me any good. You’ll get all the credit. If they don’t like it and it comes out that I ghostwrote it, then I’ll be in trouble. Serious trouble. So no matter how you cut it, it’s a lose-lose situation for me.”
“But if it doesn’t come out that you wrote it and people think it stinks, then I’m the loser.”
“Then why don’t you write it?” Terauchi laughed through her nose.
“You idiot! If I could do that, I wouldn’t have to ask for your help.”
“You really can’t write it, can you? What a joke. You’re one of those kids at K High at the bottom of the barrel, right? You got in okay but burned out in the process. Well, forget it, I’m too busy. I’m taking three summer school classes—English, classical literature, and geography. Summer’s a critical point for me, so why do I have to write your stupid manifesto? I have only five months left before entrance exams. They’re gonna put you in juvie anyway, so what does it matter? Yuzan told me you’re still saying stupid things like having to give up on taking the entrance exams for Tokyo University. You’re just trying to show off. Loony guys like you who kill their mothers are the pits, you know that? You’re still a child, but you’re oblivious to that fact. Killing your mom, running from the law—what’s the fun in that?”
“There’s nothing fun about it.”
“So why’re you telling me to write a novel for you? You should write a memo yourself. That would be much more interesting, from a criminal psychology perspective.”
Terauchi didn’t sound like she was going to stop talking anytime soon. I wanted to tell her about how I transformed when I was riding around on that blazingly hot bike, but I didn’t think it would make any difference. So I decided to go on the offensive.
“If you don’t write it for me, you can kiss your friend good-bye. I just bought a butcher knife a while ago. Killing one person or two—it’s all the same to me. I’ll see what it feels like to stab somebody.”
Killing one person or two—it’s all the same to me. This clichéd phrase that killers use in movies wouldn’t leave my mind. Death is lighter than a feather.
“Are you serious?”
Terauchi let out an unexpected shout. Behind me, Kirarin was saying, “He’s lying! He’s just trying to scare you!” I shoved her out of the way. She fell down behind me but was still laughing this weird kind of laugh, like the whole thing was hilarious. Going all hysterical on me. I covered the phone as best I could so Terauchi wouldn’t hear. But Kirarin wouldn’t stop laughing, so I covered her mouth with my hand.
“I might really kill her. My mind’s already messed up. And if you tell the police about any of this, it’s all over for her. Got it?”
“Yeah, I got it. I’ll write it for you, don’t worry.” Terauchi sighed, giving in. “When do you want it by?”
“It’s supposed to be something I wrote while I’m on the run, so try to do it quick. Within three days. If you can, e-mail it to Kirarin’s phone. I’ll copy it down and carry it around with me. That way if they catch me, I can show it to them.”
“So can I write it like a bunch of memos?”
“I told you already. Make it a story or a poem. Something creative.”
“So it’d be cooler to have it not be something introspective?”
Terauchi was one smart girl, and I thought about what she said. Something introspective would negate my whole battle. I gave her a command: “Fight to the bitter end!”
“I got it. I’ll be a regular kamikaze.”
She said this very coolly and abruptly hung up. That click sounded to me like the limitless contempt she had for me. Made me angry. But I’d gotten one task squared away, which made me happy. I looked down at Kirarin, who was still on the floor. Her hysterics over, she was looking away from me sullenly.
“Lights out,” I said. “Tomorrow we’re going to rob a taxi to secure some funds.”
I lay down on the bed but Kirarin stayed where she was, sprawled on the filthy carpet. It pissed me off, and I yelled at her.
“What’s the matter? You planning to sleep there? What’s your problem?”
“Nothing,” she said, an upset girl’s voice filtering up from the floor. But I was too starving to care. I’d had only a muffin in
the morning and nothing since. No supply sergeant around. I shoved a pillow against my empty stomach and tried to get to sleep. Just then I heard sobbing coming from below.
“Stop crying. It bothers me.”
“You mean you don’t think of me as a woman?”
Maybe I should kill her. Seriously. I tried to control my anger as she went on with her rant.
“I’m the one who should be angry,” she said. “I mean, what’s the point of me even being here? You’ve ripped my pride to shreds. Nobody’s ever treated me like this before. I knew you were weird, but still I took a great risk in coming here to be with you. Spending one night with a criminal, a guy who killed his mother—my reputation’s shot to hell. I’ll never get married now. No more Cute Kirarin—from now on it’s Dark Kirarin. So how come you’re acting so nice to Terauchi and letting her do this intellectual work while all I am is a hostage? After you called me a new recruit and were driving me so hard. It’s not fair.”
“She’s a cadet, that’s why.”
“What do you mean, ‘cadet’?”
“She’s officer material.”
All of a sudden, I sensed Kirarin standing up in the dark. It actually scared me. I wanted to wipe out all the noisy women, all the sluts in the world, but now I had one right in front of me who was a total pain in the ass. I braced myself, thinking she was going to try to mess up the secret agreement I’d gone to all that trouble to make with Terauchi.
“Why the hell am I here, anyway?” Kirarin shouted. Her spit hit my face, but I kept quiet. That’s for you to figure out, I thought. I’m busy with my own battles, and just surviving today is as much as I can handle.
“Answer me. Why am I here?”
“You’re the one who decided to come out here, not me.”
“That’s a lie,” she said, sitting on the bed. “A lie! You’re the one who told me, ‘I’ll take you to another world.’ That’s why I came here. Remember? You told me, ‘Why don’t we get transformed together? I can make you into a new person. And we’ll wipe the smug smile off your ex-boyfriend’s face.’ You’re playing around at being a soldier, but you don’t care about me at all. You’ve abandoned me. You asked Terauchi to write your poem or whatever for you, but why not ask me? I can write a poem if I have to. Just throw some phrases together. Anybody can do that. Terauchi might be a cadet or whatever, but I’m a soldier, so you better not underestimate me. Or discriminate against me. You’re so totally sneaky. If this is the kind of battle you’re fighting, then count me out! It’s just one awful thing after another.”
I hadn’t said these set phrases to Kirarin in order to recruit her into the army or anything. I’d just felt that way at the time. And now I just didn’t feel like that at all. It’s the truth, isn’t it? Sure, it’s a contradiction, but so what? I was tired and hungry, but still I tried to rack my poor brain to figure out how to quell this insurrection. Then all of a sudden she jumped on top of me and straddled me. She was heavy and I let out a gasp.
“Get off me, stupid.”
Kirarin pinned my two arms above my head and whispered in my ear.
“Or maybe I should take you to another world? You act all cool, but you’re just a virgin. Why don’t you come back in ten years.”
A slut. A real slut. Kirarin’s thin hip joints rubbed against my belly and even though I was pissed, I got hard right away. I had no clue what to do. Nobody’s ever told me how to do it with a woman. I mean, I wasn’t dealing here with some cute “li’l sis” who’d take her pants off at my command. Girls were guys’ playthings only in manga. I shoved away her arms and drew her close. Her soft body felt great. Her slim frame, her hair with a slight scent of sweat. So I was finally going to get laid. Maybe it’d be like in Mishima’s story “Patriotism,” all hot and heavy. I pictured that photo of Mishima, dressed only in a loincloth, brandishing a Japanese sword, and suddenly I froze. Wasn’t I supposed to be beyond needing a girl? How could I get the spirit and the flesh to work together here? I was off my guard, and Kirarin sent me flying and I banged my head on the headboard.
“Ow! What are you doing?”
“You’re pathetic. A soldier who’s terrible at sex is terrible in war, too.”
Damn. I grabbed her tight. I had to get on top, rip her clothes off, spread her legs, and put it inside. But how? If I ordered her to suck me, would she really put my cock in her mouth without a fight? Was this like a wartime rape or something? Ideas were spinning around in my brain, but none of the simulations I came up with were of any help. What a pain. Maybe I should go ahead and waste her. My brain was short-circuiting and all I could come up with was this simple solution. I was impatient. This was war. War. Kill her! In the gloom, I could tell that Kirarin was staring at me. Then she spoke in this cold-as-ice voice.
“Knock it off. Don’t touch me. I don’t feel like sleeping with a murderer.”
I let her go. I was afraid of this real enemy now, of Kirarin. The enemies I should be battling—the police, society—still hadn’t shown up. But right in front of me was another kind of enemy. A wall I couldn’t climb over. Kill! Kill!! Shut off the brain circuits.
“I was just too caught up in this whole thing about getting revenge on Wataru,” Kirarin was saying. “When you told me you’d show me another world, it got me all excited. But being with you isn’t going to lead to anything good. I can tell that now.”
She got out of bed and ran her fingers through her hair.
“I’m not interested in you anymore,” she said. “I’m going home.”
Was she serious? I was suddenly pulled back to reality.
“Give me the money for the room,” I said.
“No way. That’d make me an accomplice.”
My brain circuits went poof! and shorted out again. Smoke coming out and everything. I jumped into action. I grabbed the box in my backpack, the one with the butcher knife. When Kirarin saw this, she gave a little scream.
“Get down on your knees,” I commanded.
Kirarin knelt down on the floor and bowed in front of me. I stepped on her long hair. I could feel her shaking through my leg. That’s right—that’s how you surrender.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Really. If you need money, I’ll give it to you.”
“I’ll requisition the money. You stay here. That’s an order.”
* * *
I stayed awake, keeping watch over the POW to make sure she didn’t escape. The prisoner was sobbing, but then she fell asleep. I occupied the sofa and went through her belongings that I’d confiscated. A purse with 18,600 yen. A student ID card. Her swollen purse was filled with cards from various stores, a library card, a commuter pass, and so on. I looked at the photo of her on the ID. In her school uniform she looked even more like a “li’l sis.” Long hair, slightly droopy eyes, and a perplexed look. Her lips pouty, pretending to be sweet and innocent. The exact kind of girl the perverts in my class would drool over. A small makeup bag was stuffed full of things—a handkerchief, tissue paper, lipstick, deodorant, oil-blotting tissue. Her cell phone. In the bottom of her bag was a movie theater ticket stub. It was just three days ago I was enjoying talking with the prisoner about movies. Seemed more like thirty years ago.
I was terribly lonely then, heading for the swimming pool my family used to go to, and I was upset, wondering if there was some way of reversing time. So the prisoner’s sweet voice made me happy at the moment. But not now—it just pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. Not just the prisoner, but all of them piss me off—my old man, relatives, our house. You name it. Everything and everybody just got in the way now, and all I wanted was to go somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was far away from them.
I was getting closer to the real essence of who I am. A revelation was welling up from inside me. What that essence was, I had no idea, but I was getting more and more confused, my existence more pointless by the minute. Is that who I am? Is that all? I got awfully sad, and tears started to stream down my face. I wiped away my tears with the pri
soner’s handkerchief, which smelled like perfume and detergent. From out of nowhere I felt like reality was going to crush me. The reality of having murdered my mother. Fight on! Fight on! I tried like crazy to stifle the tears. Just then the prisoner’s cell phone rang. It was Toshi. I felt rescued.
“Hi,” she said. “Sorry for calling back so late. I didn’t realize I had a message.”
“It’s me,” I said.
“Oh, I see. What about Kirarin?” Toshi wasn’t surprised at all. “Is she there?”
“She’s asleep.”
“Are you doing okay? Are you all right?” I didn’t know what to say. “It’s one o’clock already. Why aren’t you asleep? Can’t you sleep?”
I hate kind girls. They’re dangerous. A warning buzzer went off inside me. Danger! Danger! I had no clue why.
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