by Nel Franks
Hellar didn’t seem concerned though, so maybe it wasn’t such a big issue. She was easy to talk to. She went on to tell us about her specialised work, breeding better poultry. She was beautiful as she described trying to get waterfowl to lay bigger eggs. I wanted to find what I would love as much as she loved her ducks.
LATER THAT NIGHT WE moved our possessions into the Acolytes Hall. It stood in front of the small Reverencing Hall, right on the main road. I was so excited walking up the steps into that immense brick building. This was where every Acolyte had ever lived. It was not right in the middle of the Core near the Temple on its mound, but it still stood out – it was four storeys high! The only other big building was the Library next to the Learning Rooms. That was only two stories, but it had lots of levels below ground, to house the books rescued from the Great Disruption. The Acolytes Hall was actually taller than the Temple, but it stood lower down the hill, so it didn’t overlook it. There were three wings, joined at the centre. In between the wings there were gardens and playing courts.
Rosie and Gaia and I compared our bands and ribbons. Gaia had been assigned to the House of Crafts with their orange band, and a royal blue ribbon for the Iconographers. She shrugged when I asked if she was pleased to be there. Rosie was delighted with her placement in the Learning Rooms. Her sewing on the band was tiny, regular and as neat as everything she ever did. I felt embarrassed by my own large irregular stitches, but Gaia waved away my concerns. ‘Really, Tomma, do you think anyone is going to bend down to look at your stitching and scold you about it?’
We were taken on a tour of our wing by some Apprentices who explained how it was organised: Initiates would spend their three years on the top floor, then Novices below, and Apprentices under them. The ground floor was for all the shared utilities: mud room, lamp and oil store that was kept locked, laundry, drying room, linen store, bathrooms, kitchen, dining hall—which I learned was called the Refectory—and common rooms. Each year, one of the three wings of the Hall went through this transition, when their Apprentices became robed women and graduated out of the Hall; their Novices became Apprentices; and their Initiates became Novices, and they all moved down one floor. Then the group of newly transitioned acolytes would move into the top floor where they would stay for their three years as Initiates. Then the next year, it was the turn of one of the other wings to go through the same process.
Our Apprentice guides went through all our duties of hand-washing our robes and underwear in the communal laundry, and which day of the week we had to change and launder our bedlinen and clean our room, including lining up to get our weekly ration of lamp oil. I loved the dining hall—no, the Refectory—with its small tables and chairs set along the windowed walls. No more scrabbling for a place on the benches at the long trestle tables, the way we had in the Children’s Dorm. Now we were nearly grown up we could choose who we ate our meals with, and when, and where. We could even order a picnic from the kitchen sisters.
Gaia, Rosie and I made up our beds in our new room. Being on the top floor, we had to run up and down the wide wooden staircases to get our linen from the drying room and our lamps and oil from the oil store, and of course, we grumbled to each other, all the toilets were on the ground floor. We had been lucky to grab a room with four beds, so we could stay together. In the corridor outside we could still hear squabbles among some of the girls. Our room had two small wardrobes where we put our robes, and we had brought our woven hampers for our underclothes, and there was a big, shared basket for dirty wash. There were lots of scratches and dings on the polished floorboards. When we pulled back the ugly red-brown drapes, we discovered we had two long windows that looked out over the Core and the orchards beyond. In the far distance, we would be able to watch the seasons change the colours of the high hills that bounded the Enclave.
I sat on my bed and looked at the recreation options Hellar had given me. ‘Did you both get one of these?’ I asked, waving the list.
‘Yes.’ Gaia had just come back in and she sat beside me. ‘What do you want to do? Shall we do something together?’
‘I can’t choose,’ I murmured. Every House held recreational activities and ongoing interest groups. There were book groups in the Library and board games in the Adult Learning Rooms, lots of activities in the House of Crafts, wood and metalwork in the House of Building and Maintenance, and lots of music, choirs, sports and games. So many choices! Gardening in the House of Sustenance sounded like fun. I might go and grow medicinal herbs.
Gaia pointed to the Harriers group, who apparently just ran for fun. ‘Oh, great! I’ll join them.’ I waggled my head; so much for doing things together. I certainly wasn’t going to put myself through that kind of agony.
‘It’s so strange to have only three of us in a room, isn’t it?’ Rosie hadn’t even glanced at the list yet, and she was looking both anxious and delighted. ‘I mean, after the Children’s Dorms, I don’t know if I can sleep without all the other girls around me.’
Gaia smiled, and was about to speak when our door opened slowly. Lenna sidled into the room, seeking out Gaia’s face.
‘Come in,’ Gaia smiled, moving to take her hand. ‘I asked Lenna to join us a minute ago. She’s been pushed out of her old room by some of our charming year-mates.’
Rosie and I stood with our mouths open. I was a bit surprised Gaia hadn’t asked us. It wasn’t that I disliked Lenna, I didn’t even really know her. I did know Gaia had made friends with her about a year ago. But she was deaf, and simple, and so much older than us. She had been kept in Initiates forever, as far as I knew, because she was Goddess-gifted. She was large, in a shapeless kind of way, and had limp brown hair that always fell over her face when she ducked her head. She worked in the kitchen of the communal dining room. But, as a roommate?
She opened her mouth, and mumbled a slurred sound:
‘’Ang ‘ou’.
I looked at Rosie, surprised. I hadn’t known she could speak at all.
‘It’s alright, Lenna,’ Gaia said, facing Lenna. ‘You’ll be fine here with us.’
We spoke very little after that, only softly and with our backs to Lenna. What would happen to our friendship, with Lenna in the room? I sat down on my new wooden bed feeling shaky. In one day, everything I felt sure of had changed.
Lenna’s story
Tomma, Spring, Year One, Initiates
A WEEK LATER, I WAS lying on my bed in the evening, moaning to myself. A milk cow had stepped on my foot and bruised it badly. I had tried to keep working, but the Mistress of the Dairy had sent me to the House of Healing, and they had rubbed it with a menthol-smelling cream, strapped it and sent me back to our room. Now I was feeling very sorry for myself. I hadn’t lit the oil lamp, and the room was nearly dark.
Rosie dragged herself in, looking exhausted. She lit her lamp then fell on her bed. After a few moments, she rolled onto her side and looked at me.
‘I am so tired, Tomma, I can barely speak. Is it always going to be like this?’
‘I suppose you’ll get used to it.’ I said with a distinct lack of grace.
‘What’s the matter with you?’
I lifted my bandaged foot and waved it.
‘Oh, Tomma, I’m so sorry, I should have noticed. Does it really hurt? Can I get you anything?’
Rosie always felt she should help people, even if they didn’t want it. She started to haul herself to her feet.
‘No, don’t worry, Rosie. You’re really worn out.’
I tried to say it without sounding grudging, but it didn’t come out well. She flopped back on the bed without a struggle.
After a long pause, she managed, ‘What happened?’
I described the balky cow, and how I tried to push it around, even though the Dairy Mistress had yelled at me not to. But I had been sure I could get it to move. Rosie started to laugh weakly, and it made me giggle. Then the door squeaked open. Lenna came through the door in her usual hesitant way and shrank back. Her lank brown hair was falling
in front of her eyes as she peered at us. Her big soft brown eyes looked just like the cow I had been pushing. ‘Wha’?’ she said softly, sounding remarkably like a curious cow. Rosie and I both started to roll about in hysterics. She looked at us strangely, and I waved my foot at her in explanation. Lenna retreated to her bed, and we hiccupped back to normal.
‘Oh, Rosie, take my mind off my foot. What have you been doing? How are the children’s rooms, apart from exhausting?’
‘Well, today I was with the pre-schoolers in the Children’s Rooms. Some of those little girls are lovely. But you think your cow was stubborn! You should try getting a bunch of very young ones to pay attention! We were trying to tell them one of the Teaching Stories.’
‘Which one?’ I asked.
‘The learning mistress started with the story of The Two Girls. Do you remember it?’ Lenna leaned forward, looking at Rosie. ‘It was my favourite when we were kids. Then we all went to the Infants Room for an hour and played with the babies, who were so sweet. The children loved it. There was a baby boy there who is just on the brink of crawling – he kept falling on his stomach and banging his nose. It was so funny.’
Lenna began rocking on her bed.
‘It reminded me of that year-mistress we had—what was her name?—who used to bring her baby boy to class,’ Rosie went on.
‘Oh, yes! Sister Anndra. She was lovely. I remember asking her once where her boy was, and she started crying. I think maybe she had just given him up to the Male Enclave.’
‘Oh, that must be so hard!’ Rosie’s face dropped. ‘I want to have my right to birth, and have a baby, don’t you? But I can’t imagine having to give up my child! I hope I have a girl. Is there any way you can choose to only have girls?’
‘I don’t know. I suppose we could ask one of the birthing mistresses.’
‘Oh, no! I’d be too embarrassed.’ Rosie went red just thinking about it. ‘Won’t they teach us that stuff when we have a year in the Temple?’
‘Maybe. I never really thought about doing a placement in the Temple. I think I want to do other things...’
Lenna made a soft noise, and we both jumped. She was rocking on her bed, squeezing a pillow to her chest and weeping.
‘Lenna, Lenna, what’s wrong?’ Rosie said, perching on the end of her bed.
‘Bah-beh,’ Lenna cried, ‘Ma bah-beh.’
Rosie looked at me, confused.
‘Did she say ‘baby, my baby’?’ she said softly.
Gaia came through the door just then and looked at Lenna. She lit another lamp and glanced at me.
‘What have you done to Lenna?’
‘Nothing!’ I said. ‘Rosie and I were talking about babies and she started crying.’
Rosie added, ‘I’d forgotten she was there.’
Gaia sat down on the other side of Lenna and took her hand.
‘What’s wrong?’ Lenna shook her head, and continued weeping. ‘What were you talking about, Tomma?’
‘About Sister Anndra and her baby boy.’
Gaia’s face cleared. ‘Ah. That’s why.’
Rosie looked as puzzled as I felt. Gaia stayed mute and looked at Lenna with compassion.
‘Come on Gaia, tell. What made Lenna cry?’ Rosie said.
Gaia shook her head. ‘It’s Lenna’s story, not mine to tell. If she wants you to know, I can tell you, but it’s up to her.’
There was silence for a long time, as Lenna stared down at her hands, tears still trickling down her face. Then Rosie moved beside Lenna, picked up her other hand and stroked it, peering up into her face and said in her most winsome way, ‘Won’t you let Gaia tell us, Lenna? Then we can all understand what makes you so sad.’
Lenna dragged her eyes slowly up to Rosie’s face, and then looked at Gaia. With a rib-shaking sigh, she nodded.
Gaia frowned at Rosie, and said with great clarity, ‘Are you sure, Lenna? You don’t have to.’
Once again Lenna nodded, and pushed herself back on the bed, sitting with her back against the wall. She brushed her limp hair back, gathered up a pillow, and gestured to Gaia to go on. ‘Noh secre’, jus’ sad,’ she said in her flat strange voice.
Gaia sat back on the bed beside Lenna and settled into place. It looked like this was going to take a while, so Rosie and I got comfortable on the other beds.
Gaia took a deep breath and began.
‘Lenna didn’t have anyone else to go with her when she had to relinquish her baby Jem, so she asked me. I thought the Mistresses wouldn’t let me go because I was too young, but they did. I think they just wanted to make sure everyone had someone to help them.’
That surprised me. Normally elder sisters forbade everything. But Gaia was so calm and collected, maybe they just overlooked how young she really was.
‘It happened just a few months ago, in mid-winter before we transitioned,’ Gaia went on. ‘You know boy babies have to be given to the Male Enclave when they’ve begun crawling and have been weaned. We went to the gate in the dark at the end of the old moon. All the mothers of baby boys were distraught. The whole experience was terrible.’
Her voice was bitter. I didn’t know why she felt so bothered – this was the way it had always been for babies in our Enclaves.
Gaia went on, ‘All the Temple Mistresses were there. Lots of the mothers were dragging their feet; I don’t blame them. When we got to the Gate, everyone huddled in a group. Some of the mothers were hysterical and the babies were screaming; it was awful.
‘The Chief Mistress of the Temple unlocked the small Crawling Gate – you know that little door set in the left leaf? – and pushed it open. A man was there, but it was difficult to see him clearly in the shadows. And a lot of men behind him; we could hear them talking. The Chief Mistress gestured for the first mother to come forward. She said her name and her baby’s name. Then the man called out their names and passed baby upwards out of sight. And that poor mother just stood dry-eyed and silent, and stared into the darkness.’
Lenna had her fist pushed up against her mouth. I was nearly in tears, and I wondered how she could bear to go over this again.
Gaia looked a question at her, and she nodded, so Gaia went on. ‘So, then Lenna stepped forward. I was surprised, but I went with her and we both knelt in front of the Crawling Gate. Lenna kissed little Jem, and she held him out towards the Gate. But she had her eyes shut and he nearly dropped on the ground. I managed to catch him, and hold him out, and said, ‘Mother Lenna, father Robis, and the baby is Jem.’
‘The man called out the father’s name, and there was a yell from one of the men. And little Jem disappeared into the dark behind the Wall. We got up and went to stand by the side of the road. One by one, all the other women relinquished their boys. Some of them cried and screamed and they all had this look of dreadful loss. Lenna cried the entire time.
‘The walk back up the road to the Core was really difficult. Everyone was leaning on each other and crying. It was dark, and shadowy, and grim.’
Gaia stopped speaking and looked down at her hands. Rosie was open mouthed, and her cheeks were wet. My stomach and throat were in knots.
‘Oh, Lenna, how dreadful! I couldn’t do that; I couldn’t push my own baby through that awful little gate!’ Rosie said.
Lenna began to howl, and Rosie moved to sit beside her.
Gaia frowned. ‘But our society says we have to, if we have a boy. It’s part of the compact between the two Enclaves. We can’t have growing boys here. And how else would men ever get to be fathers?’
‘I don’t care! They’re our babies. It’s cruel!’ Rosie hugged Lenna again.
Seeing how much pain Lenna was in, I realised I’d never thought about the mothers before. I felt so sorry for her. But I was also interested in the way the boy babies were handed over.
‘How did Lenna know the name of the father? And how did she tell him her name?’ I asked Gaia.
‘You know she can hear things if she’s close to you. She must have told him her name
when they were together at Festival. I mean, they’ve got to call you something while you’re lying with them.’
‘Gaia!’ Rosie was scandalised. ‘How do you know about lying with men at Festival? We’ve never been taught anything about it.’
Gaia shrugged and went on. ‘Well, I listen a lot, especially to the Apprentices when they’re tutoring in the Learning Rooms. At break time, if they think you’re busy reading, they talk about things they wouldn’t say in front of you.’
The part about how boys went to their fathers was the most interesting thing I had heard in ages. I wanted to know more.
‘But why would they give the baby boy to the man who sired him? Don’t their babies grow up in children’s rooms like we do? Do their fathers bring them up? How strange it would be, to be brought up by only one person,’ I said.
‘But that’s even worse!’ Rosie cried. ‘I mean, if they have to go and live with just one man, how do they get to be loved by everyone in the Enclave? What if he’s a really nasty man and hurts the baby?’
Lenna sobbed louder. I wished Rosie would stop upsetting her.
‘But the Temple says we all have to give up our children, you know that,’ I said. ‘Mothers don’t get to keep their children – how could they do their work and serve the Goddess if they had to look after their children all the time?’
Lenna spoke softly. ‘Maybe bettah babbie go to man. Don’ thacrifithe him.’
‘Oh, Lenna, was your little boy Goddess-gifted?’ I hadn’t realised her baby had a disability. ‘Was he like you?
Lenna swallowed hard. ‘Don’ know. Worried.’ She looked at Gaia and gestured for her to tell us.
