by Brooks, Abby
“Because she asked me to.”
“Since when have you ever thought anything she asked of you made any kind of sense?”
“I loved her once, Cat. I loved her a lot. I don’t think I ever stopped loving her.”
“How is that supposed to answer my question?” I rubbed my forehead. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because she wanted to die knowing you didn’t waste your energy worrying about her. She told me she would suffer enough with the illness, she didn’t need to add your suffering to hers.”
I choked on my exasperation, but Dad continued.
“And it made sense, Catherine. A lot of sense. You were so young and so driven and being a teenager is hard enough without the weight of knowing your mother’s life has an impending expiration date.”
“So, instead, you lied to me. The two people I trusted more than anything in the world decided that I wasn’t strong enough to handle a truth like that and you kept it from me.” I closed my eyes as tears pricked, as my voice rose. Their betrayal seethed through me, mixing with my grief, and I had never felt smaller in my life.
“We thought it was for the best. Especially after she started getting better…”
“Well, she’s not better now…” I trailed off, letting out a long sigh.
“I’m sorry,” Dad said, his grief evident, regret softening the timber of an ever-hard voice. “I’m so sorry.”
I paused. Closed my eyes. Took a breath. Rehashing the past would do nothing for the present. “I know,” I finally said. And I did. I could hear it in his voice. I knew my father well enough to know that for him to keep something that monumental from me, he had to believe it was for the best. “I just don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you yet.”
I fully expected him to argue. He wasn’t the kind of man to relent, but he let it go. And since we didn’t have much more to say to each other, we ended the call with the promise to stay in touch. The rest of the day passed in a frenzy of frustration. For as much as I tried to pour my attention into my clients, I found myself rolling troubled thoughts around in my head.
This cut more deeply than finding Nash in bed with another woman. It dug into my heart and raked itself across my soul. My entire life, the image I’d built of my mother, it was all a lie. Everything about who she was and how I was raised was a façade, one more mask hiding my truth, not only from the world, but from me.
At the end of the day, instead of going inside, I sat on the beach and stared at the water. I needed to tell the Huttons I’d be moving out. I needed to sit them down and explain why. I needed to pack up my things and head back to mom’s. I needed to be there for her, but I couldn’t make myself move because I also needed for none of this to be real.
I felt rooted to the sand, waiting for the vastness of water and sky to make this moment feel insignificant. The sun dipped lower and lower, and I still felt overwhelmed.
The idea of having to explain to the Huttons was bigger than me. Speaking the words to my father was easy because part of me assumed he already knew. Explaining this tragedy to Wyatt or Lucas…I wasn’t ready to make it true by taking action. And so, I sat until the sun set and the moon rose. My stomach growled and my head spun.
Footsteps sounded behind me.
I didn’t turn.
Didn’t want to see anyone.
If I could just have one more minute of silence…
I could wrestle all of this under control…
I’d be able to make sense of it…
I could go inside and move forward…
Just one more minute…
“Cat?”
I recognized Lucas’ voice, but I didn’t turn to him. Couldn’t look at him. I blinked, but kept my focus on the water. He sat down beside me, chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath, sweaty from his evening jog.
“You okay?”
I closed my eyes and sucked in my lips so I couldn’t voice the answer. The words would open the floodgates of emotion locked away all day. I wasn’t ready. Not now. Not ever. And certainly not in front of him. I sat there like a child, hoping that if I couldn’t see him, he couldn’t see me and he would give up and go away.
He placed a hand on my shoulder. “Hey,” he said, leaning forward to meet my gaze. “You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
His touch proved more than I could handle. The urge to lean in to him, to borrow his strength, to give in to the attraction between us and lose myself in him overwhelmed me. I opened my eyes and tears fell down my cheeks. Lucas cupped my face, wiping the droplets with his thumbs, his gaze boring into my own.
“I’m sorry,” I managed, embarrassed that he found me this way, disappointed that I hadn’t handled myself with more control.
“For what?”
“For this.” I swallowed hard and pulled out of his hands, wiping angrily at my tears.
Lucas took a breath and before he could say anything, I interrupted.
“My mom has cancer.” The words felt foreign in my mouth. “Has…had…” I shrugged.
Lucas made a sound like he’d been punched in the gut. I turned to him and the compassion on his face did me in. I told him everything. From learning she’d been sick when she left, to discovering she was sick again. From finding out my dad knew, to wondering what else in my life was built on half-truths and lies. I explained my anger, my fear, the sense of betrayal, and then I had to circle back and explain that on some level, I understood. That my parents wanted to protect me from the harsh reality of our world, and that they only did what they thought was best…
I cried while I spoke, my words pouring out of me in whatever order my thoughts presented themselves, one statement contradicting the next as I saw all the different facets of the problem. Lucas listened as I opened myself to him.
“As you can tell,” I said, when I ran out of words. “I’m feeling all the things. I’m confused. I’ve been trying to process this all day long and obviously haven’t gotten very far. And to make it all worse, I feel so selfish for making any of this about me, even a little bit. I’m not the one who’s sick. I’m not the one who’s going to suffer. How dare I make this about me when my mom needs me to be at my best?”
Lucas wrapped an arm around me and I leaned my head against his shoulder. The warmth of his body invaded mine and I realized I’d grown cold as the sun set. My head ached from all the crying and I wiped at my nose.
“You have every right to feel everything you’re feeling,” Lucas said, his voice soothing, his breath moving in my hair. “When someone you love is sick, you suffer right along with them.” He rubbed his hand along my back and I melted against his strength.
“I’m not ready to say goodbye,” I managed. Once again, my words seemed to hold more than one truth. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mom, nor was I ready to say goodbye to him.
He nodded, resting his cheek against my head. “I know.”
We sat like that for a long time. The tears staining my cheeks dried. A breeze blew in over the ocean and I huddled even closer to him. The buzzing in my brain quieted and finally, my thoughts began to make some kind of sense. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
“Don’t be. I’m here, Cat.” He touched a finger to my chin and lifted my gaze to his. “Right here,” he said, his eyes locked on mine. Our faces were inches apart and whatever had been building between us, whatever it was that I’d been trying to ignore, it jumped to life, igniting my body with a deep need for his.
My gaze dropped to his mouth. His lips parted. He leaned in, tilting his head. I angled mine, closing the distance between us. Our noses brushed and the world went quiet, everything dropping away until it was just the two of us, sitting under a moonlit sky, while the ocean licked the sand beneath a blanket of stars.
I needed this kiss. I needed him to obliterate me, to distract me, to take everything bad about this day and make it good again. I needed to breathe him in, to let him in, and I needed him to fill me up so I could finally stop feeling so damn
empty.
I leaned in, but Lucas pulled away. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice strangled as he unwrapped his arm from around my shoulder. “I shouldn’t…”
He wouldn’t look at me, and now it was me who was straining to meet his gaze. “Lucas, it’s fine.”
He turned to me, something dark and angry glinting in his eyes. “No, it’s not.”
I tried to explain that he wasn’t taking advantage of me, that I wanted to kiss him, that I’d been wanting to kiss him, that I felt like there was something wild and real and important between us, but he shook his head and wouldn’t meet my gaze. When I continued, he gripped my shoulders and physically pushed me away.
“Cat. This can’t happen.” His eyes darted across my face, his pain evident. “There’s someone else.”
The moment the words were out of his mouth, it looked like he wished he could stuff them right back in. The knowledge that I was almost the other woman sunk like a stone into the pit of my stomach.
I’d had enough. Too many lies. Too many untold stories. Too much betrayal. Nodding, I stood and opened my mouth, looking for something to say, but there was nothing.
And so, I turned back to the house and walked away while everything inside me raged and screamed.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lucas
I watched Cat fight her way through the sand as she ran away from me. I wanted to chase after her. To pull her into my arms and kiss her until she couldn’t see straight. [I couldn’t get her out of my head, the feel of her, the sound of her, the pain and sorrow of her admission.
But I didn’t move. I sat and watched as she hurried away. As much as it broke my heart to admit, it was time to make a choice. I couldn’t keep living between decisions because my choices didn’t just affect me. Both the women in my life were caught in the crossfire.
In the weeks since she’d been here, something had grown between Cat and me, something I’d tried to pretend I didn’t feel. Something I’d let build. Something I’d seen reflected in the way she looked at me. But it was a something I couldn’t let happen because I’d given myself to Katydid, telling her she was worth having, that she was beautiful, that she meant something.
How could I say those things to her, only to turn around and choose Cat? I’d be yet another betrayal and she didn’t deserve that. Katydid was such a uniquely wonderful person. I wanted to meet her and hold her and know her. I wanted to sit across from her at crappy burger joints and laugh and talk and explore.
But she was in Galveston and I was here, so I did all those things with Cat instead, letting something develop when I knew better. I couldn’t betray Katydid, so instead, I betrayed Cat. I hurt her on a day when she didn’t think she could hurt any more than she already did.
I had led her on.
Led them both on.
Hell, I’d led all of us on.
And so, while I wanted to chase Cat down, I didn’t. While I wanted to apologize and hold her while she cried, I couldn’t. I had to let her go. I had to stop believing I could have both of them.
Both women had been hurt by men they trusted. I knew that, but let myself develop feelings for them anyway.
Let them develop feelings for me.
The weight of my choices settled onto my shoulders. All of it. Instantly. The reality of what I did sank in and I had never felt like more of an asshole in all my life. How dare I judge Katydid’s Nash? I was no better.
My body ached from running. My heart ached from questioning. And my head started pounding with a headache I’d been fighting since Cat avoided me at breakfast this morning. Self-loathing sat on my chest and bile rose in my stomach.
I needed to explain everything to Cat and then I needed to go to Galveston. I needed to see Katydid. I needed to touch her. To feel her. To smell her. I needed to know if she was everything I thought she was. Did she make me feel like I did with Cat? Was the physical attraction as strong as the emotional connection?
It was time to stop living between decisions.
It was time to make a choice.
I only hoped I hadn’t made the wrong one.
Chapter Thirty
Cat
My heart pounded its way up my throat as I strode away from Lucas. Nausea boiled in my stomach. When I reached the door to the Hut, my soul begged me to turn and get one last look at him.
Maybe he was coming after me.
Maybe he’d apologize.
Maybe he’d explain.
Maybe he’d sweep me into his arms and tell me that it didn’t matter who else there was, because all he wanted was me.
But I didn’t turn around. Nor did I stop. I couldn’t be with a man who was with someone else. I knew that pain and I would not be the cause of it for another woman.
Anger tightened my hands into fists and I pounded on the porch railing, cursing under my breath when it hurt.
I was mad at Lucas for letting things get as far as they did between us. I was mad at myself for not recognizing how much he wasn’t ‘just a friend.’ I was mad on behalf of the other woman, and guilt churned and burned through me because of Skywalker.
How could I be mad at Lucas, when I was just as guilty?
I yanked open the door and stepped inside, careful to close it quietly behind me in case people were sleeping. I had no idea what time it was, only that the moon was high and my heart was breaking. Life would never be the same after these last few days. How could anything matter ever again after what I’d learned about my mom? What I’d experienced with the people who mattered most to me?
Nash’s betrayal had nothing on what I was feeling now. Mom’s betrayal. Dad’s betrayal. Lucas’ betrayal.
And worst of all, my betrayal.
Swimming in guilt, I took a detour through the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, and ran straight into Harlow, her laptop open on the table. She didn’t look surprised to see me, nor did she look surprised at my tear-stained face.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled as I lowered my gaze and tried to make my way past her.
She put a hand on my arm. “Hey,” she said, her voice gentle. “Do you have a minute?”
I let out a breath. “I really don’t…”
“This won’t take long.” She guided me to the table and pulled out a chair. Reluctantly, I sat. “Listen,” she said, her pale blue eyes on mine. “Lucas is a very special kind of person.”
The last thing I needed was to talk about how special Lucas was. I was well aware. “Yeah. I know. Look, this isn’t a good time,” I said as I scooted back in my chair and started to stand.
Harlow put a hand on mine and I froze. “He’s loyal to a fault. And despite his gruff exterior, he’s the most tenderhearted man you’ll ever meet. It’s probably that tender heart that makes him so gruff. Defenses and all, you know?”
Despite myself, I nodded and sat back down. Turned out, I knew all about guarding myself against other people.
“I don’t know what happened to make you cry,” Harlow continued. “But I know my Lucas went out for a late-night run because you’d been avoiding him for the last couple days, so I can take a guess. My brother is attracted to you and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him so happy around another person. It’s just, there’s someone else in his life and she was there first.”
I snorted. “Thank you, but really. This is none of your business.”
“Lucas made a commitment and it can’t matter how much he feels for you, he needs to follow through on that commitment. For his own sake.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What kind of person do you think I am? I’m not asking him to break his commitment.”
“I’m just trying to help you understand…”
“What? That Lucas is special? Believe me, I understand that. Or what? That when you make a commitment to someone, you’re supposed to follow through on it? Believe me, I understand that, too. Or at least I thought I did.” I stood. “I think your heart’s in the right place here, but you are way out of line.”
&
nbsp; I turned and walked away, but Harlow’s next words stopped me in my tracks. “Lucas is in love with you.”
I whirled on her. “You do not get to say that. You don’t get to sit me down and tell me that he’s this amazing man who is special and loyal and tenderhearted who also belongs to a different woman. And you most definitely don’t get to tell me he loves me. None of this has anything to do with you at all.”
“He’s my brother.”
“And what? You’re protecting me from him?”
“No…” Harlow shook her head, confusion puckering her pretty face.
“Oh, you’re protecting him from me?”
“No…” Harlow stood. “This whole situation is confusing for him. I’m just asking you to be patient.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I am tired of being patient while other people work through their problems. I’m tired of sitting back and letting everyone else mean more than I do.” I stepped back, disgust curling the corners of my lips while her words bounced around my skull.
Lucas is in love with you…
…in love with you…
…love…
That still-small voice rejoiced while my heart broke in two. In love with me or not, I still wasn’t enough for him. Whatever that flaw inside me was, regardless as to how much I thought I was hiding it from him, he saw it. He was in love with me, but he chose someone else. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me about her until the moment I needed him the most.
This whole day had been nothing but lies and loss, deceit and betrayal. I was suddenly exhausted and desperate for solitude.
I started for the stairs, but somehow, I sensed him.
Moments before the back door opened, I knew Lucas was near. The urge to turn and run into the safety of his arms was so strong, I couldn’t move until I heard the door latch quietly behind him. With one last withering look at Harlow, I forced myself out of the kitchen. Took the stairs one step at a time as hushed voices and heated conversation sounded behind me. Let myself into my room, sent Mom a text explaining where I was, sat down on my bed, and waited for morning.
