“I suppose so.” I furrowed my brow, considering her advice. It seemed the goddess wanted me to spend my life supporting Adelaide in her role as heir to the throne. I supposed I could accept that.
“Time for slumber. I need to prepare my things and get some rest before my travels home on the morrow.”
“I understand,” Tears threatened to well up in my eyes again as I hugged my handmaiden… my dear handmaiden who had taken care of me since before I could speak. “I shall miss you, Gisela. One day, mayhap I shall come find you. One day, when I’m old enough to make my own choices.”
“Ah, milady, though I wish I could see you again, I doubt that could be true. You need to stay here were you’re safe. Please promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”
“I promise. Tell your family I’m sorry you got sent back.”
“’Tis not your fault,” she said with a glum look.
“Tell them anyways.” I turned away, blinking back tears.
With nothing left to say, she kissed the top of my head and left me alone.
Utterly miserable and defeated, I collapsed onto my bed and cried myself to sleep.
That night, I dreamed my spirit rose to Celestia’s realm. There, I met the divine goddess. She was pale and bright like the moon with silken hair the colour of stars. Her eyes, an endless ocean of indigo, held all the secrets of life. She balanced me in the palm of her hand, and I found myself speechless, my breath seized by the very presence of her.
“You are special, Zephyra.” I heard her voice in my head. It sounded light and pretty, like bells singing in the wind.
Confused by her words, I asked, “Special? How could I be special? Do you mean because I’m a royal?”
She only smiled and said, “Control your emotions, my child. You must not let your anger burn too bright, Zephyra…”
“Zephyra… Zephyra!” Adelaide shook my shoulders as she called my name.
Darkness filled my bed chamber. The sun had not begun its rise yet, and Adelaide wore her night dress.
“Addy… what do you want?” I asked, still half-asleep and annoyed by the interruption to the most vivid and amazing dream I’d ever experienced.
She backed up. My words lashing her like a whip across the face. “I wanted to make sure you were okay, is all. What happened? I heard you scream and saw you run from the hall, but no one would tell me what happened.”
“I overreacted. There was a bug on my cake, and the others at my table laughed at me, so I left. And, no, I’m not okay. My mother is sending Gisela away.” Anger pushed up inside of me, threatening to burst. Remembering my dream, I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, willing it to dissipate.
Adelaide’s big, olive eyes widened. “Oh—my… Zephy, I’m so sorry.”
She truly looked sympathetic. I didn’t want her pity. “Never mind, I’m tired of thinking on it. It’s been a long night. Please, leave me be.” I rolled over, wishing she would leave. I knew I was being cold. She was only concerned for me, but I knew if I thought about it any longer, that red hot anger would return, and the goddess wanted me to control my emotions.
Aware of my dismissal, Adelaide left me to myself. It didn’t take long before I fell into slumber once again. This time, I did not dream. And when I awoke the next day, Gisela was long gone.
Chapter 4
Six springs and a summer later.
I suffered bouts of depression after Gisela’s departure. I fell into a hole of self-pity, angry at the world for being unable to leave the palace grounds and seek a new life away from my mother and the formalities that came along with being a royal. My cousin tried to be there for me as much as she could even though I often pushed her away. Unfortunately, she was surrounded by her ladies-in-waiting a lot of the time, and on her fifteenth spring, she began seeking a suitor. After courting with several different unworthy men over the seasons, Adelaide finally found one deserving of her. Peyton Ventaspeer, a kind-hearted gentleman, three springs older than her. He’d recently reached his second decade.
At the age of sixteen, my body had begun to fully develop into that of a woman’s. I was no longer the lanky, clumsy girl I had once been. Though, still tall and slender, my hips and bosom had filled out. I still had freckles and flaming red hair, but Awyn, the older handmaiden my mother had hired to care for me, often told me I had a pretty face. I didn’t feel pretty in comparison to Adelaide. I thought myself to be plain and boring.
One sunny afternoon as I strolled through the courtyard with Awyn down the path weaving between the blooming trees, I lost myself in birdsong. We wandered the stone pathways, passing by the arches surrounding the courtyard. Walking onward, we came across a group of three men sitting under one of the archways playing dice. They barely noticed us as we neared them.
Not until Awyn said, “Good day, gentlemen,” did they look up. I recognized one of them as Peyton. Our eyes met, and I had to look away. I was still uncomfortable making eye contact with those who I didn’t know well.
“Zephyra, right?” He got up and moved toward me. He was quite the opposite of ugly, with cropped flaxen-coloured hair, a lean figure and strong facial features. My cousin had good taste in appearances.
“Yes—that is correct. And you are Peyton, my cousin’s new suitor.” It wasn’t a question. I’d seen him with her a lot lately so I knew who he was.
“I am, though I hope to be more than that someday.” He put his hand on my forearm and smiled at me. “I know how important you are to Princess Adelaide, and I hope we can be friends.”
I looked into his bright, hazel eyes and saw only warmth. I decided my cousin had chosen well this time. With a returned smile, I replied, “I would like that very much.”
“Wonderful! I’m pleased to meet you, but must get back to my game, Lady Zephyra—”
“Please, just call me Zephyra,” I interrupted. “I hate formalities.”
“All right—Zephyra. I will see you around soon, I’m sure.”
I nodded, and then Awyn and I left them to continue our walk.
I felt Awyn’s eyes on me. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked her.
“It’s just that I’ve never seen you speak so many words to a man who wasn’t your father or your uncle, especially one who you have just met. I’m simply pleased, is all.”
I shrugged and smoothed my skirts with my hands, “I have a good feeling about him. He is the first man who has gone out of his way to be kind to me. And he makes Addy happy.”
“He does seem quite the gentlemen. I heard he has come to court because his father was friends with your grandmother’s husband, King Furraro… even fought alongside him in the last war, they say,” she pointed out.
“Ah. Well, no matter his reason for being here, I’m sure Addy will be glad to learn that I don’t despise her new suitor.”
“That she will, my dear. That she will.”
As I entered the dining hall later that evening, Adelaide came running up to me and attacked me with a tight embrace, almost knocking me over. “Oh, Zephy, I’m so happy!”
I laughed as she released me with a smile that went from cheek to cheek. “Wonderful.”
“Peyton has told me you’ve met, and he thinks you’re most delightful! You must have made a very good first impression. Do you like him? Oh, please tell me you do!” she pled with me impatiently. I didn’t miss her yearning gaze.
“I do. He’s kind and charming and… I’m happy for you,” I reassured her.
She took my hand, still beaming, and tugged me. “Come, you must sit by us tonight.”
I looked toward the dining table and saw my mother watching me through narrowed eyes. My eyes snapped away from her, landing back on my cousin. “Yes, Addy, I would love nothing more than to sit and dine with you and Peyton.”
“Marvelous.” She clapped her hands together, and we went to the long dining table, draped with bright red linens, and slid into our seats.
The people sitting between me and my mother bloc
ked her from my view. I thanked Celestia for Adelaide’s invitation. Normally, I was expected to sit by my mother. She and I had never mended our relationship, if you could even call it that. We simply tolerated each other. It was the proper thing to do.
Peyton greeted me with warmth. “Zephyra, we are so glad you have decided to sit with us.”
“No, thank you.” I lowered my voice too just above a whisper. “You’ve saved me from having to sit by my mother. She can’t argue with a request from the princess.”
“Not getting along well with her these days?” he asked.
“She is a wretched woman,” Adelaide piped in, not bothering to keep her voice down. “She sent Zephy’s handmaiden from her when she was only a decade… during her first Noctis De Celestia, at that. Heartless woman.”
My mother had to have overheard what Adelaide had said. She kept quiet nonetheless. I only wished I could have seen her face, how distressed she must’ve been to learn that the princess still held that against her.
“Oh my.” Peyton raised his brows, sipping his ale.
Aunt Faya, who sat beside Adelaide, ended her conversation with one of her ladies and elbowed her daughter. “Hush. You don’t want to cause a scene at dinner, do you?”
“I suppose not,” she pouted, then switched the subject, picking up a twisty bread roll. “Where is Queen Jelena, by the way?”
“She’s not feeling well today, had one of her ladies bring her dinner to her chambers,” Aunt Faya answered.
“Perhaps I should visit her.”
My aunt shook her head. “Not tonight. Let her rest.”
Peyton and I enjoyed our meal in silence as Adelaide and her mother argued over whether or not the queen needed a visitor while she was unwell.
After dinner, I thanked Adelaide and Peyton for inviting me to dine next to them. I was about to retire to my chambers when Peyton touched my arm. “You should come to Noctis De Celestia with us next spring. It’s in Terra, so it won’t be too far of a journey. I’m sure Adelaide will want another woman’s companionship.”
“What a wonderful idea, my love,” Adelaide answered him. “Zephy, you must come! It will have been six springs since the one you attended here. Surely it will be better this time.” Adelaide batted her long, dark lashes at me. I almost gave in to her charms.
I considered it for a moment, but then I reminded myself of Gisela and my promise to my mother that I would never attend another Noctis De Celestia celebration again. I enjoyed the serenity of the Temple much more than being judged by complete strangers. “I thank you for your invitation, but no… I simply cannot.”
“But Zephy!” Adelaide complained, used to getting everything she wanted. I loved her, but she didn’t take disagreement well.
“No! I’m truly sorry, but that night is my night to spend thanking the goddess how I want. Going to the Temple is my way of remembering my time with Gisela.”
She threw her arms up. “It’s not like she’s dead.”
Her words stung, and I had to take a deep breath to avoid lashing out at her for her careless attitude. It wasn’t her fault she’d been raised a princess who always got her way. “To me, it feels that she is, for I’ll likely never see her again.”
“Come now, my love, it’s not as if there won’t be other joyous celebrations we can attend with your cousin,” Peyton tried soothing Adelaide.
She sighed and gave in. “You’re right. Of course, there will be. Zephy, forgive me. I understand Noctis is hard for you. I only want you to be happy. I thought it’d be fun to celebrate together, but Peyton’s right. We have Grandmother’s birthday to look forward to. ’Tis only fifteen sunrises away. I hope she’s feeling better by then.”
“I’ll be there, and I would love to spend time with you two on that night—as well as many others to come,” I assured her. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would like to retire to my chambers. It has been a good day, but I would like to read before sleep takes me.”
“Always reading. All right then, have a good night.” She waved me off. “I’ll see you on the morrow.”
“Goodnight to both of you,” I replied.
“Goodnight, Zephyra.” Peyton bowed his head at me, and then I left them.
I thought about what a good influence Peyton was on Adelaide on my way back to my chambers. He had, after all, stopped me and Addy from a possible argument. Was he too good to be true? I didn’t know, but I got the feeling the two of them were trying to make me feel included, which was silly. I’d grown accustomed to my solitude throughout the seasons. I no longer cared about having peers. Perhaps she worried I’d push her away again if she didn’t pay enough attention to me.
About to open the door to my chambers, I heard a woman from behind call my name, high-pitched with desperation. A hand encircled my wrist.
I spun around and came face-to-face with my mother. I hadn’t allowed myself to be alone with her for… longer than I can remember. I hated her, and I didn’t want to speak to her. What nerve she had, seeking me out as I was about to retire for the night. What could she possibly want from me?
We stood, staring at each other in silence outside of my chambers in the stone hallway, no one else in sight. There was no escape from her, so I stared coldly at her in silence. When my lips found the ability to move, the words came out strangled. “What do you want from me?” I pulled my wrist from her grasp, realizing she still held onto me.
She let go, her gaze drawing down. She fidgeted with her velvety orange skirts. “Zephyra—I know I haven’t been the kindest mother—”
“No, you haven’t. So leave me be.” I didn’t want any kind of apology from her, especially after so long. Why was she coming to me now?
“Please, daughter—” she begged.
“Do not call me daughter. You lost that right when you sent away my friend!” I was losing grip on my patience, and I didn’t care if I was being cruel. I couldn’t control my rage with her.
Her green eyes brightened with tears. She put her palms over her face, her slender shoulders shaking. It was the first time in my life I saw my mother cry, or show any kind of weakness, for that matter. It made me feel awkward, and I didn’t know what to do so I rolled my eyes and said, “What do you want?”
She sniffed, pulling her hands from her face and looked at me with red rimmed eyes. “The princess despises me for what I did to you. I can’t stand to have lost her favour. It’s been six springs, and you still hold it against me. As long as you do, I believe the princess will too. So I’m begging you to please forgive me. You don’t have to forget, but please, forgive.”
It must have taken great strength for her to beg for my forgiveness. Even so, pain bubbled up in my chest. She only wanted my forgiveness so Adelaide would also absolve her.
The pain turned to hot anger, and I failed to push it down. “You selfish woman,” I started quietly but was unable to control the volume of my voice as I continued. “I’ll never forgive you! And neither will Adelaide! Get out of my sight.” I pushed her back with my arm and heard her gasp as I turned and slammed my door behind me.
Hearing her footsteps scuffing away from my chambers, I plopped down on my bed and cried. I hated that she could make me cry after all these seasons, but at least I’d waited until I was out of sight before I let my tears fall. I didn’t want her knowing she could still affect me in such a way.
Feeling hot from my anger, I opened the shutters to my window and screamed at the world outside.
It wasn’t long before a guard pounded on my door. “Lady Zephyra? Are you all right?”
I cracked the door open a little. I didn’t wish him to see my tear-streaked face. “Yes, sir. I had an argument and was frustrated is all… nothing to worry about.”
“Would you like me to fetch Awyn for you, Lady Zephyra?”
“No, no, that’s not necessary. I wish to be alone at the moment. I can ready myself for slumber tonight. My thanks, sir”
“Goodnight, my lady. Take care.”
&n
bsp; I closed my door, undid the stays from my corset, and unpinned my hair. Stripped down to my undergarments, I collapsed onto my bed and fell fast asleep.
The smell of cooked ham and eggs invaded my nose. I cracked open my eyes and saw Awyn setting down a tray on the wooden stand beside my bed.
Noticing I was awake, she placed her hands on her hips, and reprimanded me, “Goodness gracious, you slept in your undergarments? And look, you left your nice dress all crumpled on the floor. Next time, you must let me attend you, so I can ensure you are in your night dress and your clothes are put away properly.”
“Oh, Awyn, I had a rough night. Please let it go.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, my lady. Would you like to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing, really.” I sighed and slid myself into an upright position, taking the tray from the stand. “It’s my mother. She expects me to forgive her, but not because she cares what I think. She wants me to forgive her so that she can be in Adelaide’s good graces.”
“Oh my, after all these seasons…” She inclined her head.
“Well—she probably heard Adelaide talking to Peyton about her at dinner. I think that’s what set her off,” I explained.
Awyn sat on the bed beside me, a distant look in her eyes, the silver strands in her chestnut hair catching in the sun’s rays beaming in through my window. “I’m going to tell you a story about your mother—a story she would be too embarrassed to have you know,” she said, eyes pointed at me.
“All right. It has been a while since I’ve heard a good story. Do tell,” I urged her as I picked at my food.
“You must understand, my lady,” she went on, “Your mother grew up learning only to please. Her own mother died giving birth to her, so she was raised by her father, who I worked for at the time. They were one of the wealthiest families around, you see, but her father was friends with King Furraro. When he agreed to fight alongside him in the Great War he only asked one favour… that his daughter be taken care of. That is how your mother and your father became betrothed. And it’s a good thing they were, because her father, along with the king, died during that war.
The Elemental Diaries - Complete Series Page 4
