by K. C. Crowne
“That’s what I was afraid you’d say,” I said, sighing. “And why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“What? I have every right to know,” she spat. “I need to decide what I’m going to do for myself and for my son.”
“You’re going to stay here, and I’m going to keep you safe,” I said. I wanted to reach for her again, but from the way she was looking at me, it wouldn’t have been appreciated.
“Finn, that’s not your choice to make,” she said. “It’s a choice I need to make, to decide what’s best for me and my son.”
“So what? You’re just going to run away again?” I said. My voice rose, surprising even myself. I’d never yelled at her before. Chelsea seemed as surprised as I did, but it only seemed to prove something to her because she nodded.
“You were right the first time. We shouldn’t have gotten carried away. This was a mistake,” she said.
“Chelsea, wait,” I tried, taking a step toward her.
“I’ve already been with a controlling asshole, Finn. I don’t need another one,” she said. “You can’t keep thinks like this from me.”
She grabbed at the sweatshirt on the floor, shaking her head.
“Chels, it’s not like that and you know it,” I said. “Maybe if you trusted me for a change.”
“Trust you? After you withheld something this important from me? This is my son’s safety,” she shouted.
“Well, it’s because I knew you’d do this,” I said. “Just like before. When things get too tough or scary, you run away instead of letting me help you.”
“What are you saying, Finn? That I’m weak? A chicken? Someone who can’t handle when the going gets tough? Because if that’s what you’re saying, you’ve obviously not been paying attention. My whole life is tough.”
“Only because you keep running away!” I said. I hadn’t meant to yell at her, but years of pain and frustration seeped into my voice and I let it all out.
She stood there, her jaw clenched tightly. “Un-fucking-believable,” she muttered. She pushed past me, and I tried to grab onto her arm, but she slipped free from my grasp. “Don’t touch me.”
She left the room, slamming my bedroom door on her way out. I hurried after her, following her into the spare room. When we entered, we found Oliver awake, wiping his eyes as he stared back at us, still half asleep.
“What’s going on?” he asked, yawning.
My heart ached for that boy. Chelsea began gathering their things, and Oliver just watched. Once again, his world was about to be turned upside down. He was going to be uprooted and taken to God knows where, all because Chelsea couldn’t put her faith in me.
She’d always been too hard-headed for her own good. She couldn’t wait to leave and had to move the second she had an opportunity. She ran away from her life back then, and she was doing it again.
“Ollie, honey, we’re going away for a bit,” Chelsea said.
“Why?” he asked. “I like it here.”
“Chels, please-- don’t do this,” I said.
Her entire body trembled, but she ignored me. She left the spare room in a hurry, and I followed her into the living room. She dug through the bags my sister had left for her until she found a pair of pants and a new shirt for herself. She never once acknowledged my existence or anything I was saying.
“Tell Natalie thank you for all the stuff. I’ll only take what I need, and she can return the rest,” she said. “I don’t want to be greedy.”
“No, please, take it all,” I said. “It’s yours. She wants you to have it.”
Chelsea shook her head. “No way I can take it all with me. It’s just too much.”
Fresh tears fell down her cheeks, and her body began to shake. She was weeping silently, as I imagine she’d had to do countless times before. I tried again to get through to her, taking her into my arms and holding her close to me. She let me hold her, so I considered it a good sign. Maybe she realized her mistake. Maybe she understood that I could keep her safe, I hoped.
“Chelsea, please, I promise you, Rick won’t get anywhere near you or Oliver,” I said softly, kissing the top of her head. “I’ll take care of you.”
“No, you can’t, Finn. That’s the problem. As long as he knows where I am, he will always be a threat. Legally, he can fight me for my son, and unlike me - he has money and a nice house. He will win,” she said. “And I can’t let that monster raise my son.”
“He won’t win Chels.”
“You can’t promise me that, Finn,” she said, lifting her head from my chest and meeting my gaze.
It killed me to see the pain in her eyes.
“You might be able to protect me from Rick himself, but you can’t protect me from the law,” she said. “They can take Oliver away from me, and there’s literally nothing I can do to stop it.”
“There has to be something,” I said. “Please, trust me.”
“I can’t take that risk, Finn,” she said, pulling away from me. “And while I admire your willingness to help, your naivety is dangerous.”
“Naivety?”
She didn’t answer my question. She continued gathering everything she needed - leaving most of it.
She dressed Ollie, while I remained in the living room. I couldn’t talk her out of leaving, but I could physically block her from stepping out of that door, which I’d intended on doing. I knew once she was gone, I might not ever see her again. And worse, I wouldn’t be able to protect her. I might not ever know what happened to her if she left, and that wasn’t something I could deal with again.
I couldn’t lose her a second time.
Chelsea
“You can’t stand in front of that door all day and night,” I stated.
Finn cocked an eyebrow as if to say, “Try me.” With his tree-trunk like arms crossed in front of his chest, he was intimidating as hell to look at, but I knew, deep down, he was as gentle as they came. It was one reason I knew I had to leave. He might be great at playing the hero, saving people from fires, but I couldn’t imagine getting him involved with someone like Rick. Rick was a whole other level of dangerous. While he wasn’t as big as Finn, he also wasn’t a good guy. Finn would do whatever he could to not hurt Rick, while Rick wouldn’t give the same consideration to Finn. He’d fight as dirty as he needed to.
So in many ways, me leaving was to protect him as much as it was to protect ourselves. Even if Finn’s intentions were good, he was naive. His life had always been pretty easy. Things always went his way. He expected the law to help me out because he hadn’t grown up in a family where the law often looked the other way when money was involved. He had no clue what he was getting into when he offered to protect us, and I feared it would end very badly for all of us. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to him because of me.
Finn didn’t budge from the doorway. I sighed, dropping Oliver’s hand and closing the distance between us. I stood in front of him, and he stared down at me with determined eyes. I held my head high, and tried to look as determined as he did, but truthfully, I was tired.
More than tired, I was exhausted. And I feared he was right. No matter where I went, Rick would find us. It felt useless. But I still felt that I had to at least try.
“I’m not going to let you walk outta here alone,” he said matter-of-factly. “If you leave, I’m going with you.”
“You’re going to run away with us?” I scoffed. “And leave New York City, your career, everything behind? Yeah, right.”
He shrugged. “If it’s the only way I can protect you and Ollie, then yes. I’ll leave it all behind.”
My heart jumped into my throat. I knew that Finn was living his dream, and that he’d made sacrifices to get where he was at. He could have gone into a lucrative field like his father, followed in his footsteps, but chose to be a firefighter instead. He gave up everything to be where he was, and in an instant, he promised to throw it all away to be with me.
“While I appreciate the gestu
re, Finn, we both know I can’t let you do that,” I sighed.
“Who said anything about you letting me?” he said. “Last time I checked, it’s my life. I can do whatever the hell I want.”
“And you want to give it all up? For me?” I asked.
He licked his lips, and while I expected him to look away, to stop and think over the question, he didn’t even hesitate. “Yes. For you and Ollie, I’d give up everything. Just to make sure you’re safe.”
“Think about what you’re saying, Finn,” I said, speaking slowly. “This is your dream, your everything.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” he said, throwing his hands into the air. “Listen, had you told me days ago that I’d even consider quitting my job and uprooting my whole life for someone, I’d have called bullshit. But Chels, I never thought I’d see you again. Never expected to have you back in my life. And now that I have, I can’t lose you again. I won’t.”
God dammit, Finn, I thought to myself. Why must you be such a good guy?
“You’re too good for this world, Finn,” I said softly.
“What was that?”
“Nothing,” I muttered, my head spinning from everything that was going on. I knew one thing, and that was that I had to get out of there. No matter what happened, Ollie and I needed to be on the road, and fast; before Rick stopped by again. He’d warned us already. The next time he came by, there’d be no warning, that was something I was sure of.
“I’m not going to let you give up your life for us,” I said. I held up a hand, stopping Finn from arguing with me, “but, since we need to hit the road, and it seems like the only way we can do that is with you, then fine. But once we’re safe, you are to return here and to your job, you hear me?”
Even with everything that had happened between us, all the craziness I’d brought into his life and the fact that my own life was a complete and utter clusterfuck, Finn still managed a small, satisfactory smile. In his mind, he’d won. He truly was too good for this world, and too good for me, I realized.
Especially since I knew that the moment I had a chance to run, I’d take it. I couldn’t uproot Finn’s life. He’d have to leave everything behind - his nieces, his sister, his dad, and his career.
I couldn’t do that to him. And most importantly, I didn’t think he’d really do it either. He might have loved me at one time, but we weren’t the same people we were back then. Sooner or later, reality would kick in and things would fall apart.
No, I knew what I had to do. The second he would let his guard down, I’d run. That was the plan, and there was no talking me out of it.
Ooo000ooo
“As soon as we get settled, I’m going to call Natalie’s husband, John, and ask for some legal advice,” Finn said as he drove the three of us out of the city. We had no destination in mind, we were simply leaving New York and heading South or Southwest.
I sighed deeply, closing my eyes as I rested my head against the back of his seat.
“We can’t do that, Finn,” I said.
“Why not?” he asked, glancing over at me with a perplexed look on his chiseled face.
“Because the more people we get involved, the more people we reach out to, the more opportunities we give Rick to track us down.”
Finn scoffed. “Natalie and John wouldn’t tell a soul where we’re at,” he said. He stopped talking, looking over at me and frowning. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?” I asked.
I knew exactly what he meant. I was scowling, giving away my true thoughts on the conversation with my facial expressions. I was never very good at hiding my true emotions, especially from Finn.
“Like you just tasted something awful,” he said.
“Well, in a way, I have,” I said. I sat back up. “It’s called reality, and you’re about to get a big taste of it too.”
“I’m not a child, Chels,” he scoffed, “So please, stop talking to me like I am one.”
“Well, maybe if you stopped acting like the solution is so easy, I wouldn’t have to talk to you this way,” I said. “You forget that this is my life we’re talking about. I know Rick better than you, I know what he’s capable of. You don’t.”
“Chelsea, you talk about him like he’s some super villain. But he’s not. He’s human, just like you and me,” Finn said.
Again, I couldn’t help but shake my head.
“You’ve never met someone as bad as Rick, trust me, Finn,” I said. “He might as well be a super villain.”
I looked over my shoulder at Ollie, worried that he might be listening too closely to our conversation. I’d tried to shield him from all of this, as much as I could. He was flipping through a picture book, content and oblivious to the conversation in the front seat. My heart swelled at seeing him like that. He was just a normal little boy, doing normal kid things. God, what I wouldn’t give for that to be the case, I thought. If only Finn’s idealized version of events could be reality. If only his brother-in-law had the answers and could keep my son out of Rick’s life for good.
But I knew better than all that.
“He has connections all over the United States,” I said quietly, trying to keep my voice low for Ollie’s sake. “He’s tied up with some very powerful - and dangerous - people.”
“Dangerous, as in the mafia?” Finn asked. He chuckled, as if it was some big joke. I didn’t laugh. He stopped and gave me a wide-eyed stare. “You’re kidding, right? The mafia?”
Shrugging, I said, “Honestly? I don’t know. If not the mafia, something equally as dangerous. The law doesn’t apply to him, Finn. I’ve watched it with my own eyes.”
“The law applies to everyone, Chels. Sometimes it just takes time and the right circumstances, but I believe in our justice system.”
“Of course you would. It’s never failed you,” I said.
I’ll admit, my tone was a bit harsh and bitter. Sometimes, it was obvious just how different our lives really were. Growing up, he had it pretty easy. His parents hardly ever raised their voices, they believed in peace, love, and happiness. Violence and drugs were things he’d only ever seen in movies. Me, on the other hand, well, I lived it every single day. I’d hoped to escape it by moving out to California, yet, somehow, I ended up right in the lion’s den. I started to believe that was my destiny. Some people were born to have good lives. Others, like me, would never manage to break free from the chains holding us down in the pits. No matter how hard I tried to fight free, I always found myself right back in the middle of hell.
“Chelsea, I--” but he never finished his sentence. His phone buzzed, and he glanced at the screen. “Shit.”
“What is it?” I asked, my fight or flight mechanism kicking in. My heart raced and I sat up straight, fearing the worst.
“It’s my boss,” he said. “He needed me to come in tomorrow, no matter what. But obviously I can’t do that, so I guess this is it.”
“This is what?” I asked, still on edge.
“The end of my career,” he said, putting his phone back down. He let out a deep breath, his eyes fixed on the road in front of us.
Ooo000ooo
“Let me call Natalie tomorrow,” he said as we laid in bed somewhere in Pennsylvania.
Sighing, I rolled over, away from him. The three of us had to share one bed in a shitty hotel in the middle of nowhere. Oliver was fast asleep, hogging up one side of the bed, and I was pressed against Finn. Still, as much as I loved the feeling of his body against mine, the scenario was far from sexy. Not only was my son in bed with us, but I knew what was coming as soon as Finn fell asleep.
“Sure,” I mumbled, my eyes growing heavy with sleep. I fought against the exhaustion though and conceded to Finn - for the moment - just to avoid spending another hour or two arguing about it. It didn’t matter. If it helped him fall asleep faster, I’d let him think he was going to call Natalie in the morning. Whatever helped to speed things along.
“Really?” Finn asked, turni
ng over on his side and spooning me.
“Just go to sleep, Finn,” I said. “We can talk about this in the morning.
I said that knowing that there would be no talk in the morning. Because as soon as Finn fell asleep, Ollie and I would be making our escape. I’d chosen the hotel for a reason - there was a Greyhound bus station across the street. I’d buy tickets for the next available bus, leaving our destination up to fate and pray that it would lead us in the right direction.
Finn wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him. He was so warm, and it felt so safe there with him. An illusion, I knew, and one I couldn’t fall for either. Even if we did manage to escape, to find somewhere Rick wouldn’t find us, Finn would be giving up everything. He’d never be able to work a real job again. Everything would have to be under-the-table, as it had been with me. What kind of life would that be for him? It was already hell for Ollie and me, but I didn’t need to drag another innocent into this mess with me. Not if I could help it.
“Goodnight, Chels,” Finn said, squeezing me tightly.
“Goodnight, Finn,” I whispered into the darkness.
It didn’t take long for his breathing to even out, and I knew he was asleep. I stayed there longer than necessary, just to be sure. I also wanted to burn the feeling of his arms around me into my brain for a lonely night. Tears welled in my eyes as I debated with myself. Be selfish, Chelsea. Stay with him. It’s a lonely world out there, he could be your partner-in-crime.
I scolded myself for thinking such thoughts, however. It was selfish. Too selfish for me to even consider for real. I thought about Natalie and the two little girls in the photographs. His nieces had been asking about him, they missed him. Imagine if they never saw him again, and if Natalie had to live with always wondering what happened to her brother? His dad had already lost his wife recently, he couldn’t lose a son too.
No, this was my burden to bear, and I had to do it alone.
Slowly, I started slipping out of Finn’s arms, doing my best to avoid any sudden movements. I didn’t want to wake him. It took a while, but eventually, I managed to break free from his hold and slip from the bed. I gathered my clothing and took Ollie in my arms. He was getting so big, and it was hard to carry him when he was asleep and was simply dead weight in my arms. But I didn’t want to wake him, so I held him against my chest and took one last parting look at Finn.
