by K. C. Crowne
I shushed him with a fingertip to his lips. “It’s not all your fault, it’s mine too,” I whispered. “We just need to behave ourselves until we get our lives in order.”
There was a flash of optimism in his face, and in my heart. I’d meant it. Once we got our lives sorted out, perhaps we could see where things went. But until then, we needed to chill out on everything. I didn’t need to say this to him; he already knew.
And he agreed, nodding his head. “Goodnight, Hannah,” he said softly. “We should get some sleep.”
“Yes, goodnight, Justin.”
I rolled over to face away from him. His body was so close to mine, yet so far away. I yearned for him to be closer to me. It was hard to fall asleep with him within reach, but eventually, I fell down in the darkness, giving in to the exhaustion.
Ooo000ooo
I awoke with a start, drenched in sweat and shaking from a dream I’d had. The dream had started out fine - I was going to the hospital with Melody and Logan, and they were having their baby. Except, in the middle of all that, I ended up being the one in labor. I’d given birth to a little boy, and Justin was the proud father.
Of course, it was just a dream, but my mind was spinning. I pulled up the calendar on my phone, counting the days in my head.
I was late.
My period should have started days before, but it hadn’t. I was on the pill when Justin and I’d hooked up, but birth control wasn’t one hundred percent effective. I Googled the failure rates of the pill along with symptoms of pregnancy. Besides a missed period, I had none of them. But it was still early.
My anxiety was through the roof. What if I was pregnant? What if I’d missed a pill and hadn’t realized it? I pulled out my pill pack and counted them as well. Everything looked fine there. I reassured myself that chances were pretty slim that I was pregnant.
Justin rolled over and groaned, “What time is it?”
I looked at the clock. “Almost six.”
Our alarm was set for six. He groaned louder, covering his head with the blanket. I put my phone and my pills away, trying to push it from my mind as best I could.
“It’s too fucking early,” Justin grumbled.
I was wide awake, thanks to waking up in a panic, but I didn’t say anything to him. He uncovered his head and cocked an eyebrow. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied.
“You don’t seem fine,” he said, sitting up in bed. “Is this about last night? If so, I’m sorry--”
“It’s not about last night,” I interrupted, my tone a little snippy.
“You sure?” he persisted.
I couldn’t tell him what was going on with me. He had enough to worry about as it was. He might already go from a bachelor to the father of a daughter was enough. He didn’t need to worry about suddenly being the father of two kids.
Obviously, if I was pregnant, he’d have to know. But until I knew for sure, there was no reason to stress him out.
“I’m positive,” I said, climbing out of the bed. “We need to hit the road.”
He didn’t push the issue further, and I was glad for that. I just wanted to be left alone until I knew for sure. I showered, then it was Justin’s turn.
As soon as he was in the bathroom, I called out to him, “I’m going to run across to the gas station for a coffee. Want anything?”
Justin muttered, “No thanks,” over the sound of running water.
The place was a truck stop, larger than an average gas station, so I was pretty confident I could find what I needed there. I walked in and headed for the aisles with the condoms because for some reason pregnancy tests are always right beside the condoms. I found a package with three tests and grabbed it, hurrying to the counter.
Justin wouldn’t be in the shower long. I considered doing the tests in the truck stop bathrooms, but there was only one for both men and women and the door was caked with grime and dirt. I decided against it. I paid and stuffed them into my purse.
When I got back to the room, Justin was out of the shower and mostly dressed. He was in a clean pair of jeans but without a shirt. Droplets of water ran down from his wet hair, over his face, and onto his immaculate chest.
Suddenly, I was speechless, simply admiring the view.
He caught me staring and grinned as he slipped on a polo shirt. “Ready to go?”
“Sure,” I said, thinking about the pregnancy tests in my purse. I’d have to take them later or I’d give myself away. I grabbed my bag, and we hit the road once more.
This time, we weren’t stopping until we hit Atlanta.
Justin
Hannah seemed tense and snippy for the remainder of the ride. I was pretty stressed myself, so I let it slide. We didn’t talk as much, and the closer we got to the city, the more nervous I became.
When Hannah parked at the building, we sat in the car for a few minutes. I wasn’t sure if she was coming in with me or not, but I wanted her to.
Finally, she turned to me and said, “Well, are you going in or not?”
“Do you think you could join me?” I asked.
Hannah cocked her head to the side and seemed to think about it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Justin. If she really is your daughter, I think this is an important moment for the two of you, and I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“You wouldn’t be intruding,” I insisted. “I need you there. I can’t do this alone.”
After a few seconds, Hannah nodded and removed her seatbelt. Without another word, the two of us got out of her car and walked toward the building.
A lump formed in my throat and my heart palpitated inside my chest. It didn’t even feel real. Thankfully, Hannah was with me because she did all the talking. I couldn’t find my voice when it came time to greet the receptionist, but Hannah had it under control.
We took a seat as the receptionist called for Ms. Mannis. I wrung my hands and tapped my feet against the floor, anything to stop the trembling. Hannah placed a hand on my leg, stopping the nervous movement. She spoke softly, “It’s going to be okay.”
Her reassurance calmed me down a bit, but there was nothing that could relax me completely. Not in that moment. Not when I could potentially be meeting my daughter for the first time.
A woman walked over to us. I noticed she looked very tired, with bags under her eyes making her look years older than she probably was. Her brown hair was braided and pulled back atop her head, and even though she looked overworked, she offered a friendly smile.
“You must be Mr. Hargraves,” the woman said. “I’m Stephanie Mannis. We spoke on the phone.”
I stood and shook hands with her.
“Uh, yes, I’m Justin,” I said. “And this is Hannah.”
Hannah shook the woman’s hand and they shared pleasantries before Stephanie led us back. I assumed we’d be meeting in her office, but her office was nothing but a desk in a giant room with about twenty or thirty other desks, all piled high with papers and phones ringing off the hook.
“Sorry for the lack of privacy,” she said. “As soon as Abigail gets here, we’ll go into a private conference room, but first I have a few questions for you.”
“Of course,” I said, clasping my hands together.
Hannah and I took a seat across from Stephanie, hardly seeing her over the pile of folders on her desk. She was a small woman, hidden amongst the paperwork. Made me appreciate the work social workers do even more; it looked absolutely chaotic.
Stephanie went through a series of questions about my past relationship with Deidre - how long had we been dating, when were we together last, that sort of thing.
I cleared my throat. “When do you think I can talk to Deidre myself? I have a lot of questions for her.”
Stephanie’s face fell. “I’m sorry, Mr. Hargraves, but Ms. Price has passed away. That’s why we’ve reached out to you. You’re the only guardian we could reach concerning Abigail.”
My heart stopped. Dee and I had our share of problems
, and I no longer loved her like I once had, but she was still a big part of my life. For some reason, it had never occurred to me that she had passed on. I’d assumed she was in some kind of trouble with the law - as was normal with her.
Hannah took my hand and gave it a firm squeeze.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Hargraves. I assumed you knew,” Stephanie said.
“No, you didn’t mention that on the phone,” I murmured softly. My heart ached for the little girl even more now. “Did Abigail, you know...”
“Abigail was in the house when her mother died, but as far as we know, she didn’t see anything, nor did she see her mom dead.”
“Well that’s good at least,” I muttered.
Stephanie nodded. “It is. The police have tried to question her about what happened that night, but she’s not talking to anyone at the moment. Psychologists believe she’s suffering from PTSD. It’s a lot for a five-year-old to take in.”
“It is,” I agreed. “What can I do to help?”
“Well, first of all, if she is your daughter and everything checks out, Abigail could live with you,” she explained. She glanced down at some papers in front of her and frowned. “You’re in New York City?”
“I am,” I said.
She sighed.
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked, looking at Hannah, who shrugged.
“We’d have preferred for the little girl to stay in Atlanta, at least for the time being,” she said. “The police would still like to talk to her, and she’s in therapy here. Plus, we’d like to keep an eye on her, make sure she’s adjusting properly.”
“I can’t move to Atlanta, Ms. Mannis,” I said. “I have a career in New York City. I’m with the New York Fire Department.”
She nodded. “I see that, and from the records I’ve pulled up on you, everything should check out. I’ll have to get approval from the police department, but as long as the two of you get her into therapy straight away and have regular check-ins with someone in New York, it should be fine to relocate the child.”
We were discussing Abigail moving in with me. I hadn’t even met the girl, and we were already making plans for it to happen. It sounded like she had no other options, no other guardians - I was the girl’s only hope. And if I was her father, there was no way I could let her end up in foster care.
I knew what I had to do, though it didn’t make it any less nerve-wracking.
“When can I meet her?” I asked.
“Soon, Mr. Hargraves,” Stephanie said with a friendly smile. “We just have a few other things we need to discuss first.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “Sure, ask me anything you need to know.”
“Thank you. I know this is a stressful situation for you and your wife--”
“My wife?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow. Then it occurred to me, she thought Hannah and I were married. “Oh, no, Hannah and I aren’t married. We’re just--”
I stopped and looked at Hannah, not exactly sure what we’d classify each other as.
“Friends,” Hannah finished for me. “I’m his friend, here for emotional support.”
Ooo000ooo
After a litany of questions, Stephanie announced that Abigail was there and ready to meet me.
“This is going to take some time,” Stephanie said before entering the conference room. “She’s not talked since the incident, so don’t be surprised if she doesn’t talk to you either.”
I nodded. “That’s fine, I know she’s been through a lot.”
When the door opened and I laid eyes on my little girl for the first time, I knew in my heart that she was my daughter. She looked exactly like me.
When our eyes met, it was like staring into my own hazel eyes. Her hair was the same shade of brown as mine, and she looked a lot like I did at five years old. If her hair was cut short and she wore boy clothes, she would have been my twin.
Hannah must have noticed it too because she gasped, grabbing my arm in surprise.
I thought we’d have to do DNA tests to determine that she was my daughter, but there was no need. She was five years old, and Stephanie had told me her birthday. It lined up perfectly to be the child I thought Dee had aborted.
I didn’t know what to say to her. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for that moment. We looked at each other for a long time as my brain spun out of control. Hannah seemed at a loss for words herself, but she was the first one to speak.
“Hello Abigail,” she said with a friendly smile. “My name is Hannah.”
The elderly woman with her spoke up. “She prefers to be called Abby.”
My eyes flicked to the woman, whom I hadn’t noticed before she said anything because my focus had been on the little girl.
“Abby, then,” Hannah said, walking closer to the girl. “Such a pretty name. I’ve always loved the name Abby.”
Hannah looked at me as if to motion for me to follow her or to say something. I cleared my throat and said, “Hi Abby. I’m Justin.”
I wasn’t sure about protocol - should I tell the little girl I was her father? Would they require more proof before I could do so? Since I wasn’t sure what was right for the girl, I decided to just give my first name instead.
Abby’s big eyes stared at me before turning her attention to Hannah.
The woman with her stood up and walked over to me, reaching for my hand. “My name is Sally,” she said. “I was a friend of Dee’s.”
“Justin,” I said. Again, I was at a loss for words, but Sally’s sweet smile told me she already knew who I was to the little girl.
“Dee told me all about you,” she said. “I’m the one who gave them the information to contact you. I always thought you knew--Dee never said otherwise.”
I shook my head. “I had no idea.”
“What a shame,” she murmured, shaking her head.
“Yes, it is a shame,” I agreed, a knot forming in my throat. I’d missed out on so much. It would be easy to be angry at Dee, but I understood why she did what she did - she was afraid. I was immature and kind of a jerk back then; I couldn’t really blame her for walking away, for lying about the pregnancy.
“If you’d like, you can take Abby out to lunch,” Stephanie said softly from behind me. “Sometimes it’s less scary outside the office.”
I looked at Hannah who nodded. “Yes, sure. If we can.”
“Of course,” Stephanie said with a polite smile. “We want to do everything possible to reunite families and make the transition go smoothly.”
Hannah looked at Abby with a smile. “Would you like that, Abby? What’s your favorite food?”
The little girl stared at her but didn’t say a word. Finally, after a few seconds, Sally said, “Pizza. She seems to love pizza, it’s one of the only foods I can get her to eat these days.”
“There’s a Chuck E. Cheese nearby,” Stephanie said. “I can get you the address.”
“I’d appreciate that,” I said.
I hoped Abby might open up to us in a more casual environment. It couldn’t be easy for the girl to deal with all of this so soon after her mother passed. If I thought it was difficult to come to terms with having a daughter I didn’t know about, it was nothing compared to what poor Abby was going through. I was just a strange man to her, not her dad. Did she even know I was her father? And if so, did she know what it meant - and why I hadn’t been there for her all these years?
This was going to be a big adjustment for all of us.
Sally and Stephanie walked with us to Hannah’s car, and because Abby was so small, Stephanie had to get us a booster seat for her. All of this was completely new to me. There was so much I didn’t know - things like booster seats and getting her enrolled in school, even how to talk to her.
Abby went along with everything without uttering a word. She protested a bit when Sally put her in the seat and started to walk away.
“Would you like to join us?” I asked the elderly woman. “It might make it easier on Abby.”
Hannah kept the conversation with Sally flowing, asking all kinds of pertinent questions - things I wouldn’t have thought to ask. I was so grateful she had come with me.
“Is Abby enrolled in school?” Hannah asked.
“Not yet,” Sally said. “She was going to start in the fall. Her mother didn’t put her in preschool or anything like that.”
“I see,” Hannah replied. “What types of things does she enjoy?”
Sally shrugged and looked back at Abby. “Honestly? I don’t know. Before her mom-- well, you know -- I didn’t interact with her a whole lot. Just in passing. And since then, she’s not been too talkative. I usually let her watch some cartoons, and I’ve given her coloring books. She seems to enjoy those. I can’t get around much these days, so I’m afraid we haven’t done a whole lot.”
“You’ve done more than enough,” Hannah said, smiling sweetly. “It sounds like you’ve been an excellent caregiver, and Abby seems to trust you.”
Sally nodded. “I’m the only person she’s familiar with, the only person besides her mom that’s been in her life regularly. Everyone else seems to come and go.”
I cringed even though the comment wasn’t directed at me. Had I known about her, I’d have been in her life too. Still, there were plenty of regrets and guilt, even if I didn’t have control over the past.
Hannah parked the car at the restaurant. Abby took Sally’s hand automatically after climbing out of the car and as we walked to the restaurant. I stayed behind them, and Hannah joined me.
She whispered, “Are you okay?”
“I’m doing as good as can be expected,” I said, hoping that would satisfy her.
Seeing the little girl walking with the elderly lady, I wondered if I’d ever have that kind of bond with her or if it was too late. Hannah seemed to read my mind.
