The old man said, “Carrie, you did great. And he is absolutely beautiful.”
Carrie could muster up a few words. “Yes…yes he is.”
“How are you feeling?”
Carrie’s sight did not stray from her son’s eyes. “I feel amazing.”
The old man smiled. “I’m glad to hear that, Carrie.” The old man nodded and put his hand on her shoulder. “Carrie, if it’s alright, you have a couple of visitors. Visitors that cannot wait to meet this little guy. Is it okay if I let them in?”
Carrie looked at the old man with confusion. “Who are the visitors?”
The old man patted Carrie’s left hand with his right. “I’ll let that be a surprise.”
The old man placed his right hand on the boy’s head for a few moments before standing and walking to the door. She watched him open the door and leave, and waited in anticipation for it to open again. And a few seconds later, it did open, and a man in his thirties walked in.
It was Jack. “Hi, Carrie.” His voice was kind and caring. His smile shone with purity of spirit, and his aura exuded benevolence.
“My God, Jack.” Carrie’s voice trembled as she realized her bottom half was still exposed. She scooted back into a sitting position, reconfigured her gown, and pushed her baby tight to her chest. Carrie asked, “What are you doing here?”
Jack stepped forward and said, “I’m here to see you. And my son, of course.”
Carrie’s vision was filling with waves of regretful tears. “Jack, what is going on? How did you get here? I don’t understand any of this.”
“Yes, you do, Carrie.” Jack approached her, kissed her on the forehead softly, and sat back in the green chair. Once settled, he looked at her and asked, “What do you want to know?”
Carrie scanned her mind for the right questions. “Where am I? Why am I here? What happened to me?”
Jack leaned back in the uncomfortable green chair and sighed, as if he was searching for the proper responses. “Where you are I can’t answer fully. Words simply cannot do it justice. And they cannot describe the wonders that await you soon. Everything you knew ended before you woke up in Cameron’s car. Everything he knew ended right after he saw the light. But there is so much more Carrie, so much more to see and feel.”
“Jack…am I being punished?”
Jack chuckled. “No, sweetie. This is not about punishment. This is not about right and wrong, black and white. It’s just not that simple. Your existence is not just one step, but many. This is just another step in your journey, and there will be many more after this.”
“I don’t understand, Jack. If this is my journey, why are you here? Why did I see Alex?”
“Because no one can find true peace alone.”
Fighting back tears, she asked, “I just don’t understand, Jack. Peace? But what about all those horrible things I saw. Gretchen, my mother. What does any of that have to do with peace?”
“Part of all this is accepting who you are. Where you’ve been, what you’ve done. The things we regret in life are often the things that shape us the most, for better or worse. But the human mind is amazing. It really is. It has the power to push down what it doesn’t want to face. With Cameron, he used anger as a way to block out his past. Your past riddles you with needless doubts. And, unfortunately, sometimes it takes a lot of force to rip through all of that to reach the core of who you are. It can be scary, yes. But I hope you’ve found that there’s light in even the darkest places.”
Nodding, Carrie closed her eyes and took in everything Jack had just told her. “So what happens next?”
Jack stood and looked at Carrie longingly. “What happens next is that I take little Jack Jr. to meet his brother and sister.”
Carrie pulled Jack Jr. even closer to her chest, but then released him a little out of fear of suffocation. “Jack Jr.? And what do you mean, his brother and sister?”
“Jack Jr. is what we would have named him. And, if you want to get technical, I’m taking him to meet his half-brother and half-sister.”
“But…” Carrie looked down at the baby in her arms, who looked back sleepily. “I don’t want little Jack Jr. to leave.”
Jack leaned over the bed and put his hands on Carrie’s arms. “Carrie, pretty soon you will have more time with him than you could ever imagine.”
Gently, Jack put his hands under Jack Jr. and pulled up. At first, Carrie resisted with a reluctance of true love. But then she let go, and watched as Jack Jr. introduced himself to his father by placing his right hand around Jack’s index finger. “Goodness, Carrie,” Jack said, his voice trembling. “He is so beautiful.”
“He really is.”
Jack’s eyes welled as he shook off his impending emotional collapse. “Okay, we have to go now, Carrie. But don’t worry; you’ll see us both again soon. But for now, you have one more visitor. And she is just so excited to see you.”
Jack stared a moment longer into his son’s eyes, and then looked at Carrie. “Thank you, Carrie. You showed me the meaning of love in so many ways.”
“Jack.” Carrie could feel her essence vibrating. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry for how I treated you. You deserved so much better than that.”
“It’s okay, Carrie. There’s no reason to apologize. You’ll learn soon that, truly, everything happens for a reason.”
Jack smiled, nodded his head approvingly, and turned and walked to the door with Jack Jr. in his arms. When Jack reached the door, he fumbled and repositioned Jack Jr. in his arms so that he could have one hand free to operate the handle. He opened the door, walked out, and closed it behind him.
Carrie listened attentively for any clue about the identity of the next visitor. All she could hear though was the never-ending beep.
Finally, the door opened, and a woman walked through. She was a striking beauty. The woman had wavy blonde hair, elegantly smooth skin, a light tan, and a vibrant aura. But her piercing blue eyes were her most prominent feature.
“Mom?” Carrie asked with disbelief and hope.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Mom, is it really you?”
“Yes, sweetheart. It is really me.”
“Mom….”
Donna walked in briskly and put her arms around Carrie. Carrie threw her arms around her mother and the two women wept like children. Carrie shook as the force of a heavy burden lifted off her chest.
After about twenty seconds, Donna pulled away, put her hand on her beloved daughter’s face, and stroked Carrie’s cheek softy. Donna said, “I’ve missed you so much, sweetheart.”
Carrie put her hands around her mother’s hand. “I’ve missed you too. So much, Momma. I’ve thought about you every day since you went away.”
“Silly girl, I never went away! I just wasn’t right there.” Donna smiled, kissed Carrie’s hand, and sat into the green chair while holding Carrie’s right hand. “Now, you okay, baby girl?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m great, actually. I’ve never been better in my life!”
“That’s gonna change soon, baby. Pretty soon you’ll know the true meaning of betterment.”
“Mom…do you know what happened to Cameron?”
Donna nodded slowly. “Cameron is fine, Carrie. I promise.”
“Will I ever see him again?”
“I’m not sure honey. At least, I’m not sure you’ll see him again in the way you mean.”
“Mom….” Carrie’s voice trailed off on the last “m.” “I still don’t know what’s going on with me….”
“Pretty soon you’ll know everything, my love. Well, almost everything. Even now I still don’t understand how that boy Joey from across the street landed that beautiful girl Jeanie. Remember Joey? That doughy little squirt? Anyway, he married that girl Jeanie, remember her?”
“Yes, Mom,” Carrie smiled. “I remember Jeanie.”
“Yes. Goodness, she was pretty. And he convinced her to marry him! He must hav
e paid a lot of money for the rights to some kind of spell or something.”
Carrie squeezed her mother’s hand. “I think I know what you’re trying to say, Momma.”
“You do? Oh good. Because I don’t about half the time.”
“So, what now, Momma?”
“What do you mean, what now?”
“What do I have to do? What’s the next step?”
Donna looked at Carrie with puzzlement. “How should I know, sweetie? I have no idea why I’m here.”
“You don’t?”
“Of course not, silly. You’re supposed to tell me why I’m here, doofus.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that.”
“And really, I don’t understand why I would be here. I mean, we had a perfect relationship, didn’t we? I thought we were best friends!”
“We were.”
“So why would you regret anything about us, Carrie?”
“Because…I should have been there, Mom.”
“Been where?” Donna’s eyelids closed in thought, and then opened in disbelief. “You cannot mean what I think you mean.”
“I should have been with you, Mom. I should have just skipped practice. I should have been by your side when you went. I didn’t even say I love you before I left!”
“Carrie, that’s that the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Donna’s reaction shocked Carrie. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’ve heard some dumb things in my days. But what you said takes the cake.”
“But, why is it so dumb? I should have been there!”
“Carrie, do you really think you have to tell me that you love me? Of course I know you love me, silly. Heck, the reason I left when I did was because I understood just how much you love me. I knew if you were there when I left it would have devastated you.”
“Mom…”
“Carrie, I love you so much. I don’t regret anything that happened between us. So please don’t either.”
“Momma, I love you so much.”
“Well, I loved you first, so I win!”
Carrie laughed and they embraced. The beeps in the room began to slowly dissipate and come to a stop. The only sounds that remained were joyful sobs.
Donna pulled away and stared her beloved daughter in the eyes. “You ready to take your last step, Carrie?”
Carrie wiped away tears as she said, “What do you mean? What’s next?”
“That’s for you to find out.”
“I guess, then, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
Donna smiled and said, “You have no idea how right you are, baby.” She kissed Carrie on the forehead before she asked, “Do you know where to go?”
Carrie took a moment to review the room before she replied, “I mean, there’s only one way out.”
“Right enough, my love.”
Carrie looked down at her bloodied hospital gown and asked, “Do I need to change first?”
Donna laughed and said, “No, silly. It won’t matter soon anyway. Just get your butt to where you need to be!”
Carrie looked warily at the door and asked, “You promise I’m almost at the end?”
Donna sighed and shook her head. “No, sweetie, there is no end. There really wasn’t even a beginning, but whatever. All that matters is what’s next.”
Donna’s words were comforting and disconcerting. Carrie sat straight and took it all in. Took in the dull aches of her body, the piercing fluorescent light, the room’s quiet and stillness. Took in the memories of the taste of Gretchen’s blood and the warmth that filled her body when Jack Jr. stared up at her. In a way, sitting on the hospital bed next to her mother was one of the most precious moments of her life; and while part of her did not want to leave, a greater part knew that there was nothing left for her in Room 21.
Carrie shook her head, took in a couple deep breaths, and said, “I’m ready.”
“I know you are.”
Carrie had only one last question. She turned to her mother and asked, “Will I ever see him again?”
Donna appeared blissful and somber. “I really don’t know, baby. I wish I could answer that, but I can’t.” She smiled and mischievously said, “But, it’s like I used to tell you around Christmas. If you’re a good girl, anything can happen.”
Carrie chuckled and said, “You know, I never really believed all that.”
“I know. You’re my little numbers girl. My little one plus one always equals two, no more or less. But soon after you step through that door, you’ll realize that anything is possible.” Donna leaned in, embraced her treasured creation, and kissed Carrie on the temple. “I love you so much, and I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Me too, Momma.”
When Carrie pulled away from her mother, the entire room seemed blurry through her tears. She dabbed away the moisture with the bed’s blanket, closed her eyes, and stood. When she opened her eyes, she saw the door.
The door looked as it did before—worn paint, dulled letters, and scratches from carts and machinery banging against it. But this time, there was a light glowing from the crevices outlining the door.
Carrie approached and grabbed the handle; it was hot to the touch, and warmth flowed through her. She looked back at her mother, who smiled and winked in return.
Carrie turned to face the door, pushed downward against the handle, and pushed—a bright light flooded the room, and she suddenly felt blinded. She tried to look back at her mother, but light had erased Donna.
Carrie squinted and could barely make out the outline of the door; after gathering herself, she stepped through into the light and closed the door behind her.
Part Five
Yin & Yang
Cameron closed the door and it disappeared in the blackness. He did not know if he faced the right, wrong, or irrelevant direction, but he made a 180-degree turn and glared into the void.
He heard no sound, detected no smells, and he looked down at the gun, but did not see it or any portion of his body—the black vanquished all. But while he could not see, hear, or smell, he still felt—a chill emanated throughout his body; the cold was welcome, because it dulled the pain in his eye, head, and fingers. He still felt the weight of the gun, and he could sense his heart beating and the rhythm of his breathing. He put his hand to his face and brushed across a day-old stubble.
So, I’m still here, he concluded. And in that conclusion Cameron realized he had been wrong about the void—it could contain nothing, or it could hold everything; just because he could not see it did not mean it did not exist.
Cameron began his voyage into nothingness—he took heed to proceed gingerly, because he did not know what to expect or what could materialize. Step by step, Cameron strolled deeper, safe with the knowledge that, somehow, he knew where he was going.
In the darkness, Cameron’s mind-eye was 20/20. He saw vivid images of his mother, father, and Carrie. But he saw Carrie most clearly; her green eyes illuminated his spirit and guided his path into the unknown.
With every step, Carrie’s face became more real, and then he heard her voice. Sweet and high, he had longed for nothing more.
I want to enjoy this moment, unspoiled.
Almost involuntarily, Cameron’s pace quickened. His heart accelerated with anticipation and adrenaline. In his mind, Carrie was next to him—they were lying in his bed, arms draped over one another, looking deep into one another’s eyes.
Enjoy this moment, unspoiled.
Cameron moved so fast that his hand slipped off the craps stick. He lost balance and fell. Before getting up, he wiped his face with his unharmed hand. For the first time since the light, sweat beaded across his forehead.
He stood and continued. The chill of the dark spiked with the speed of his walk; his blood coursed through his veins to fight the fatigue. Cameron, finally, felt alive.
This moment, unspoiled.
He was no longer seeing the emptiness o
f the void; all around him were visions of Carrie. He saw long dinners, unexpected kisses, balmy palms, silly fights, and intimate nights. Their past, present, and future bled together into one moment, and he was running towards it.
Unspoiled….
A loud sound spoiled Cameron’s bliss.
* * *
Carrie closed the door behind her and it disappeared into the light. She stood steadfast as a warmth slithered through her body. Her senses heightened and her mind raced. She looked all around, but in every direction was empty brightness. Carrie blinked rapidly, but realized that her eyes were unaffected. She was not staring into the sun; the light that enveloped her was flawless.
Her hands shook, but when she looked down to still them, she realized that she could not see her body. She closed her eyes, but her sight remained. She covered her face with her hands, but the light shone through. She did not know if she had ceased to exist or if she had joined with the light, but she did not wish to ponder longer than necessary.
Though she could not see her body, she still felt it. She could move her arms and legs. She, in some way, was still in control.
And with that control, she began her journey forward. The first step was slow and hesitant, but also purposeful. She sensed moving, but had no landmarks to gauge her progress. And yet somehow, she knew she was walking in the right direction.
Each step was easier than the preceding. Her body moved effortlessly, unabated by fatigue or external resistance. It was as if she was floating—not only her body felt free, but her mind was as well. Gone were her lingering doubts. Gone was the weight of her questions. For the first time in her life, she felt unchained.
Her thoughts shifted to Cameron. She considered his path and journey. She had no concept of when she last saw him—they could have been apart for a moment or a millennium. And yet, part of her knew that they were never apart—every step she took, Cameron took it with her. She walked beside him, even if she could not see him.
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