Between their ongoing fake boyfriend charade and the fact that he’d managed to convince Jeremy to become his daily workout partner, Nick found plenty of reasons to justify touching him. And every time he did, he found himself searching for evidence that his touch did something to J.
Sometimes it was a quiet little intake of breath that he wasn’t meant to hear, or the way the vein at the base of Jeremy’s throat started thrumming faster. Nick watched for the little quivers in his skin, the way his eyes widened and then sort of glowed, the flush that wasn’t embarrassment.
And every time he saw it happen, it did something to him.
It was almost like a chicken-and-egg thing. Did he want Jeremy just because he’d started making the effort to see him through a lens of gay, or had a part of him already started to want, and that’s why it had been so easy to see J in a different light?
With the gorgeous late-spring weather, they’d been doing most of their training outdoors rather than at the gym, and even though he professed to “hate the torture,” Jeremy showed up and gave it his all every time. His efforts were paying off, too. Lean muscle had started to subtly reshape his frame, and even though, objectively, Nick saw hotter bodies at the gym each day, at some point he’d stopped feeling objective about it.
Jeremy looked good.
Really good.
And Nick was starting to want to do more than just look.
But honestly, while Nick had no problem with the fact the he was attracted to the guy’s body, his attraction to Jeremy was just as much about what he saw on the inside. J was funny and eager and bumbling and sweet. Smart. Loyal to his friends, and interested in just about everything. And yeah, Nick was finding all of that plus the physical sexy as hell lately.
The more time they spent together, the more he found Jeremy attractive on every level.
J pushed buttons Nick hadn’t known he had, and there was definitely a part of him that was fully onboard with the idea of exploring what would happen if he were to do something about it. From the way J responded to him, Nick was pretty sure that he’d be open to it, too, but he also knew that going there would change the nature of their relationship.
Nick wasn’t twenty-one anymore. He wasn’t the same guy who had fallen into bed with Heather at that age, just because he’d had a perpetual hard-on and she’d said yes. And for all the intimacy of sharing both a child and a home, their differences had meant that Nick had never truly felt close to her. Not close enough to really open up. And sure, that might be a chicken-and-egg situation again, but regardless, she hadn’t been someone he’d been willing to go there with.
Which was basically true of everyone in his life, outside of Beck, of course.
Hanging with Jeremy made him think he might want to change that, though.
No, not “might.”
He did want to change it.
But even if Jeremy was open to dropping the first “F” from their FBF status at some point, Nick had trouble believing that J could ever be satisfied with someone like him for the long haul. Honestly, he was afraid that if he were to be upfront about his limitations, Jeremy might decide that Nick was just as “fatally flawed” as all the other guys he’d dated.
So, despite what he wanted, he wasn’t going to push it.
For now.
He just wasn’t ready to deal with the possibility of Jeremy rejecting him.
He’d happily deny his growing curiosity and trade a bit of sexual frustration for the right to keep holding J’s hand. Making him laugh. Teasing that hilarious rabbit-squeak sound out of him. Nick’s lip quirked up at the thought. If he could be forgiven for quoting Candi, he had to admit that Jeremy was pretty fucking adorbs at times. Not to mention that the guy made him feel about ten feet tall, with his constant joking-not-joking appreciation for Nick’s… well, pretty much everything.
Luckily, Jeremy seemed to enjoy playing pretend boyfriends as much as Nick did. So, as long as Nick could keep his hormones in check, there really wasn’t any rush to change things. He didn’t want to risk losing Team Us, just because he was starting to feel greedy for more. Hopefully, if things kept going the way they were, there would be plenty of time to get there eventually.
Nick wasn’t going anywhere.
“Thanks for taking Ava on such short notice, Nick,” Heather said, finally ending her call. “Our new client could only meet after hours, and even so—God. I swear the other legal team is just jerking us around.”
“No problem,” Nick said, even though he’d had to hand a new client of his own off to another trainer to make the sudden change in schedule work.
Staying in his daughter’s life was his number-one priority, and even if the way Heather showed it was prickly, he trusted that she appreciated his commitment to Ava. More than just for the fact that it made it convenient when it came to child care, that is.
Convenient for Heather.
It definitely wasn’t always convenient for him.
Honestly, given the erratic nature of Heather’s schedule with the new job, he’d considered pushing her to vet a few good babysitters, but so far he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. Time with Ava was always a win, as far as he was concerned.
Not that Heather had ever tried to keep him out of Ava’s life.
If she had, he would have had to get over his own issues and taken it to court after all, but he was thankful they’d never had to resort to that. His commitment to always getting along with her paid off in a parenting relationship that was better than it could have been. And given her reluctance to formally share custody combined with her strict idea of what Ava needed—academically as well as the thousand-and-one enrichment activities that Heather constantly had her enrolled in—his willingness to step up whenever she asked meant that he was getting to see far more of Ava than he’d expected when he’d followed them to Tulsa.
He’d be lying if he said that the fact that she got to call all the shots didn’t grate on him at times, though.
“What did you do with her tonight?” Heather asked.
Her tone was more courtroom than parental curiosity, but Nick was determined not to let it bother him. That was just Heather, and he was committed to always playing nice.
“Batting cages at All Star,” he answered. “Dinner at Whataburger, then she talked us into Yolotti for some froyo.”
Jeremy had come with them, and Nick didn’t know what had been more fun, helping J learn to bat, or watching how well he got along with Ava. Jeremy and Ava had a way of egging each other on and making each other crack up that always made Nick’s heart feel a little too big for his chest. They were easily his two favorite people here in Tulsa, and knowing this his best girl clicked with his FBF, too, definitely played a part in the whole “wanting more” when it came to J.
Heather frowned, clearly not impressed with his reply.
“You didn’t have Ava do her homework?”
“Nope,” Nick said, trying not to grind his teeth.
Shit. Heather always made him feel like he was failing a test when it came to parenting, and he’d had enough of that kind of shame growing up to last a lifetime.
“Didn’t know she had any,” he added, trying not to sound defensive.
“Well, did you ask?” Her tone left no doubt that it was an accusation, not a question. “She’s not necessarily going to volunteer the information when you keep offering her fun things to do instead. She’s got to develop her mind along with her body, Nick.”
“Her mind seems pretty sharp,” he said, his lip quirking up despite his irritation with Heather as he thought back over some of the conversational wringers Ava put Jeremy through. “And you know, batting cages aren’t just fun. It’s gonna help her develop hand-eye coordination, gain an understanding of the law of physics—”
“Her teacher says she’s not reading at grade level,” Heather said, interrupting him. “I’m worried that’s why she keeps avoiding her homework. I know adjusting to a new school might be a factor,
too, but I’ve looked over the classwork and it doesn’t seem like it should be such a struggle for her. It’s really not any more difficult than what she had back home, and she never had a problem with school there.”
True. Thank God. Ava had always been bright, but when it had come time for her to start school, his own history had made him anxious about how she’d do. She’d excelled in kindergarten, though, and the start of her first grade year back in Seattle had been filled with happy smiles and glowing reports from her teacher. Ava had loved every minute of it, constantly talking about the things she learned and the fun she had there. Seeing her enthusiasm had relieved his anxiety, but now that he thought about it, he realized Heather was right.
Shit.
Ava had been pretty quiet about her new school ever since they’d moved. There had been enough other things going on as they all settled into their new lives that he hadn’t given it much thought, but if she was struggling, there had to be a reason.
“School isn’t just academics, Heather,” he reminded her. “Changing schools midyear must’ve been tough on her, not to mention the fact that she doesn’t seem to have made any close friends here yet.”
He hoped that was it. Those were the kinds of things that could be fixed, in time.
Heather huffed out a breath, putting her hands on her hips. “Don’t change the subject, Nick,” she said, as if he had been. Jesus. The woman could only see the world through one point of view. Her own. In her mind, school was academics, period. A point she drove home when she added, “I need you to sit down with her and make sure she completes her homework on the nights you take her. Especially the reading.”
Nick’s stomach clenched. “I’ve been taking her to that reading group on Saturdays.”
Story time at Sir Reads-a-lot. Always a good excuse to hang with J for an hour, and Ava loved it.
“That’s not good enough, Nick. God, I’m so tired of you always being the fun one while I have to be the taskmaster. We can’t let her fall behind. I know she’s only six, but I’ve read studies that show it can be a downward spiral for children who start struggling in school at this age.”
Preaching to the choir.
Nick sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand as he felt the constriction of an unwelcome but all-too-familiar tightness in his chest. He knew that not being willing to talk to Heather about the full extent of his concern made it all the harder to make parenting decisions together, but he couldn’t stomach the thought that she might hold his flaws against him when it came to his rights as a father. Fucking shit, though. Ava’s needs had to be his priority, always.
“Only a few more weeks until school’s out,” he said. “Maybe we can get her into some kind of tutoring program this summer?”
“Maybe,” Heather said, looking away. An uncharacteristic flash of guilt passed over her face, sending Nick’s oh-shit meter into the red zone.
“What is it, Heather?” he pressed, crumpling the empty plastic water bottle in his hand as he worked to keep his voice even.
She was quiet long enough that he thought she might not answer, but just before he gave up on his commitment to always being agreeable and decided to push her, she dropped her bomb.
“I don’t know if this move to Tulsa was the right thing,” she said, still not meeting his eyes. “Seattle wants me back, and once the school year is over, I’m thinking of taking them up on it.”
“You… what?”
No.
Fuck no.
“I thought you’d be happy,” she snapped, crossing her arms in front of her. “I know you didn’t really want to leave in the first place, and you just said that maybe Ava’s problems were from moving to a new school. Leaving her friends—”
“Don’t try to act like you’re doing this for Ava,” Nick said tightly, not willing to put up with any bullshit. The fact that she’d dismissed those concerns without a second thought just a minute ago was proof enough that she was scrambling to justify something she’d no doubt already made her mind up about.
“Are you saying this won’t be good for her?” Heather asked, going into courtroom mode as she started ticking points off on her fingers. “Being near her grandmothers again? Back with all her friends? In the house she grew up in? One of my Seattle attorney friends is going to help me break the lease on the renters, so we should be able to move back in to our old house in Bellevue by the end of June.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Heather! No, I’m not saying it won’t be good for her, but you can’t just keep yanking us around the country whenever it suits you. It’s not good for Ava, and it’s sure as hell not working for me.”
“You’ve only been here a few months, Nick. Why are you getting so worked up? You’ve got everything you care about waiting for you back in Seattle. I thought you’d be happy.”
Happy? No. Happy was definitely not what he was feeling. And it was true that most of the things he cared about were back in Seattle.
But not everything.
Not everyone.
“Were you planning on actually discussing this with me, or were you just going to inform me of your decision once it was already made?”
He didn’t know why he was bothering to ask. He already knew the answer.
“It is my decision,” Heather said defensively. “Mine. My life, Nick. I don’t have to run it by you. You can do what you want. If you love it here in Tulsa so much, then go ahead and stay.”
Nick pressed his lips together to keep from saying something he’d regret later. He and Heather had always had their differences, but he’d always made an effort to see things from her perspective. Maybe that had been a mistake. Right now, he didn’t give a shit about her perspective or how her childhood had fucked her up and given her this obsessive need for independence and control. They both knew there was no way he was going to stay in Tulsa if she took his daughter back to Seattle, and the fact that he didn’t have any say in the matter—again—was killing him.
The conversation wasn’t over, but anything else they had to say to each other would have to wait. If Nick opened his mouth again before he calmed down, he was probably going to fuck his chances for ever getting joint custody up beyond repair. Heather didn’t try to stop him when he left, and he only refrained from slamming her front door because he knew Ava would hear it if he did.
He made do with slamming his truck door instead.
“Fuck fuck fuck FUCK!”
Heather’s high-handed decision was a shitty move, and he’d let the custody issue drag out for too long. His reluctance to force it—his worry that his shortcomings might be held against him if push came to shove—had let it get to the point where now he had no ability to stop Heather from taking his daughter away.
Again.
He couldn’t even slow her down.
Nick put his hands on the steering wheel, squeezing until his knuckles turned white, and wasted a few frustrating, useless minutes wishing for things that it was already too late for. Despite the fact that Heather had made it sound like she was only “considering” the move, knowing her, she’d have Ava packed off and back in Seattle within a few weeks.
By the time he lawyered up—something that was definitely going to happen, now—she would already be settled back in her old job. And since he’d have to take time to prove paternity before he could petition a court for joint custody, Ava would most likely be back in her old school by the time anything was decided.
Which meant he would have to leave Tulsa.
And, by the time everything came together, a custody decision would mean he wasn’t coming back.
The truth was that—as much of a pain in the ass as it was going to be for him to do the whole new job, new housing, cross-country move song-and-dance again—Heather was partly right. He hadn’t wanted to come to Tulsa in the first place, and he would have been happy to be heading back to Seattle despite all the hassle… if it hadn’t been for Jeremy.
It didn’t seem to matter that they were just fa
king it.
That he’d only known the guy for a couple of months.
That Nick wasn’t even gay, for God’s sake.
It was the leaving J part of the whole shitty, shitty situation that was going to kill him.
He started up the truck, and the soft rumble of the engine was almost soothing. All he had to do was press the gas and go, but he suddenly felt drained. Like even that was more effort than he wanted to make. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the cool glass of the rear window and tried to get a grip. Some perspective. Find the silver lining that he’d always believed had to be present in any situation.
At least he hadn’t tried to turn what they had into something more.
Maybe that was it.
The bright side.
Because if the idea of leaving his FBF felt this bad, it might have been unbearable if it had actually been the real thing.
8
Nick
Jeremy was already warming up when Nick pulled into the parking lot at Woodward Park, one leg propped up on a boulder as he bent over it in a hamstring stretch. His legs were looking good. Everything was looking good. Nick’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, telling himself not to look. Not like that.
There was no point wanting what he was never going to have.
He’d talked to Heather by phone the night before, after he’d had a couple of days to finally calm down, and she’d confirmed what he’d suspected. She’d already said yes to the job back in Seattle. She and Ava would be leaving soon, sometime before the end of June.
Once again, the pieces of his own life were swept up in the wake of her determination, and he was going to have to scramble to figure out how to rearrange them so he could follow. Heather was the type of person who would steamroll through any obstacles that got in her way, and he’d known from the minute she’d broken the news to him that she wouldn’t wait to start moving ahead with her own plans just for him to get his shit together… not any more than she’d been willing to talk to him before making the decision in the first place.
The Delicious Series: The First Volume Page 53
