She furrowed her pint-sized brow, obviously giving the matter some serious thought. Jeremy wasn’t sure if she was weighing the merits of pancakes versus a bedtime extension, or simply marshaling another argument, but he knew what had always worked on him when he was a child. He grinned. Maybe he could help.
“I almost forgot, Ava,” he said, snagging his backpack from its place by the door. “I brought you a present.”
“What is it?” she asked, rushing to his side and bouncing eagerly next to him as he rummaged inside. “A book?”
Jeremy laughed, nodding. The girl already knew him too well.
“It’s seven of them, actually,” he said, handing her the boxed set. “The Chronicles of Narnia. I thought you should have them for when you go back to Seattle, since you won’t get to finish with Kelley at story time.”
She squealed, her eyes lighting up as she ran her fingers over the spines before looking up at him with shining eyes. She threw her arms around his waist, whacking him in the back with the corner of the boxed set. Jeremy grinned. Ow, but whatever. Worth it for the happiness of sharing his favorite childhood series with another book lover.
“Thank you,” she said, squeezing him more tightly than he would have thought a six-year-old was capable of. “Daddy and I missed story time last week, and Kelley was going to read chapter eight, so now I’m behind. Do you know what happened after they had dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be as much fun if I just told you, would it?” Jeremy asked, smiling down at her. “Maybe your dad can read that chapter for your bedtime story.”
She shook her head. “No, Daddy only tells stories, he doesn’t read them, and Mommy will only do books that are educationally informative. Can you read it, Jeremy? Please? Pleeeeeeease?”
Jeremy had been right about his inability to deny the munchkin anything she wanted when she turned the full wattage of her big eyes on him like that. He glanced over at Nick to see if he minded. Ava—smart cookie—caught his look, and immediately turned her powers of persuasion on her father.
“Can he, Daddy? Please? I really need to find out whether or not the children save Mr. Tumnus. Pleeeeeeease?”
“Sure, Sprout,” Nick said, giving her a small smile. “If Jeremy’s up to it.”
“I’d be happy to,” Jeremy said, trying to read Nick.
That smile hadn’t reached his eyes.
Jeremy had come over just in time for dinner—takeout from Blue Moon Café—and so far, the whole evening had been the best one he’d had in, well, a week. Not that they’d done anything earth-shattering. Other than the epic Uno battle, the time had mostly been filled with a whole lot of little nothings that had kept the small apartment filled with laughter until Ava’s yawns had prompted Nick to enthusiastically announce that it was bedtime.
Now, though, he was acting noticeably less enthusiastic.
Jeremy wondered if he’d accidentally stepped on Nick’s toes with his bedtime story suggestion. He had no idea what Nick’s usual nightly routine with Ava was, or how Jeremy was supposed to fit into it. Although, maybe that was the thing. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to.
He re-zipped his backpack, drumming his fingers against the canvas. Nick wasn’t meeting his eyes.
“Do you remember what you have to do before going to bed?” Nick asked Ava before Jeremy could figure out a tactful way to ask.
“Brush my teeth! Brush my hair!” she chanted, twirling in a circle for no apparent reason as she ticked off the answers on her fingers. “Put on my PJ’s! Put my dolls to bed! But I don’t know where my PJ’s are, Daddy.”
“Well, let’s go find them, then,” Nick said, reaching for her hand. “And once you’re all ready for bed, Jeremy can come read to you…?” Nick turned to him as he said the last part, making it into a question.
Jeremy nodded, worrying his lip between his teeth as he watched the two of them head down the hall toward Ava’s bedroom.
He gathered up the Uno cards to keep his hands busy, tuning out the sound of Ava’s happy chatter as he tried to figure out if he’d just been imagining things. Nick hadn’t seemed happy about the whole thing, but maybe he was just tired? Although, for real, the man had not been acting tired a few minutes ago. In fact, he’d seemed to go out of his way to find discreet ways to brush against Jeremy all night, throwing in enough hot looks when Ava was otherwise distracted to convince Jeremy that Nick was going to be quite, um… energetic, later in the evening.
Something Jeremy was most definitely looking forward to.
Seriously, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d gone quite this long without sex.
But, as much as a part of him would like to focus on changing that fact as soon as humanly possible, he also wanted to make sure he fixed whatever he’d done wrong before they got to that point. Because… this was Nick, and he mattered. Jeremy didn’t want there to be weird moments between the two of them, little problems that got swept under the rug but never really went away. He’d had plenty of those in the past, with his fatally flawed exes, but ignoring the weirdness now just didn’t feel right. Not with Nick.
And if it had just been his imagination, then fine. He knew he could be an overthinker at times, but he was willing to risk looking a little bit stupid for asking, if it meant that the hopefully-still-happening naked portion of the evening wouldn’t be hampered by anything left unspoken between them.
Jeremy knew Nick didn’t get as much time with Ava as he’d like. It would be understandable if maybe he didn’t want Jeremy infringing on his father-daughter bonding. After all, just because Nick had decided to be his real boyfriend now, it didn’t mean he automatically wanted Jeremy to be part of his family life.
Nick had always seemed to enjoy having Jeremy spend time with him and Ava in the past, though.
Jeremy had never given much thought to having kids of his own before—his idea of finding Mr. Right had always been more along the lines of hot couples’ getaways than white picket fences—but Nick and Ava were a package deal, and to his surprise, he was more than okay with that. He actually liked it, more than he ever would have guessed.
Ava mattered to him in her own right, not just because she was Nick’s daughter, and even if he didn’t really know what he was doing in the kid department, he hoped Nick could cut him some slack if he’d messed up. After all, Jeremy hadn’t brought Ava the books to win boyfriend points, he’d just wanted to give them to her because he’d known they would make her happy.
And Jeremy liked making her happy.
Almost as much as he liked making Nick happy.
And okay, the more he thought about it, the more sure he was that it hadn’t just been his imagination. The shuttered look he’d seen on Nick’s face meant that Jeremy had failed at that. That he’d inadvertently said something wrong, hurt Nick’s feelings, maybe, or… something. He wanted to make it right. And not just because of the getting naked bit that would come afterward.
If something was off for Nick, then Jeremy couldn’t help feeling that it was off for him, too.
“Hey,” Nick said, coming back into the living room, sans Ava. “She’s gonna be a few minutes. That was really nice of you to bring the books. I’d meant to pick up a copy of the one Kelley’s been doing at story time, but giving Ava the whole set was really great, J.”
Nick had pasted an easy smile on his face again, but… he was rocking back on his heels, hands pushed deep into his pockets. Jeremy’s eyes narrowed, taking it in. He’d noticed that Nick did that when things weren’t totally right in his world. So, okay. Jeremy definitely hadn’t been imagining it.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, instead of trying to guess. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Nick’s eyes widened—just the tiniest fraction—and he went still. “Nothing, Pumpkin.”
“Don’t pull a ‘Pumpkin’ on me, Nick,” Jeremy said, trying not to feel hurt. “If you don’t want to tell me then just… say you don’t want to tell me. I mean, I can handle
it. But please don’t lie.”
Nick swallowed, looking away.
Ouch.
Okay, maybe Jeremy had been wrong. He couldn’t handle the not-telling option, after all.
“Should I have asked you if it was okay before giving Ava a present?” he asked. “I’ve never dated anyone with a kid. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or not do. Did you not want me to butt in on Ava’s bedtime? I mean, I know it’s not my place.”
Nick shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “No, Pumpk— Jeremy. It’s fine, really. I love that the two of you get along.”
Okay, then… what?
“Do you not like the series?” Jeremy asked, wracking his brain for ideas. He crossed the room to try to close the gap that had sprung up between them, but for once, getting closer didn’t seem to help. There was still a very non-Team-Us-feeling distance between them. “I mean, I know you said books aren’t your thing, Nick, but these ones are fun. It’s the series I taught myself to read with when I was a kid. I think you’d like them, if you gave them a chance.”
Nick clenched his jaw, but after a moment, he let out his breath in a gusty sigh, his shoulders slumping.
“I… can’t, J,” he said, looking like the words left a bad taste in his mouth.
“Oh,” Jeremy said after a moment, not sure what to make of that. Then, when Nick didn’t offer anything else, he added a useless, “Okay.”
So Nick didn’t want to give the books a chance. That was… fine. It’s not like the two of them had to share every interest.
In a lot of ways, he and Nick were pretty similar—they both laughed at the same bad pet videos on YouTube, could eat froyo for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and were incapable of listening to music from the 90’s without singing along at the top of their lungs… badly—but there were differences, too.
Although, usually the ways that they were different seemed to match up like hand and glove.
As if they’d been made to complement each other.
As if Nick really was meant to be Jeremy’s other half.
He couldn’t actually remember a time when it had felt quite like this. As if they were out of sync. Things just didn’t get awkward between them—the breaking-up-in-the-park incident notwithstanding—and even though they never seemed to run out of things to talk about, silence between them always felt comfortable, too.
Usually.
Maybe not so much at the moment.
“Well, don’t worry that I’m going to start pushing you to read all my favorites just because you’re my boyfriend now,” Jeremy said, breaking it. He gave a strained laugh, wishing he could figure out how to get back to their usual ease. “If not liking to read is your only fatal flaw, I can live with that. God knows I do it enough for the both of us.”
He smiled, but Nick didn’t smile back. Instead he looked over his shoulder, checking down the hall. Ava was still singing to herself behind the closed bedroom door, presumably getting her PJ’s on. Nick looked back at him, meeting his eyes.
Still not smiling.
“No,” he said, lowering his voice. “I mean, I can’t, Jeremy. I can’t read.”
Jeremy opened his mouth, but then closed it again when nothing came out. What?
“I wasn’t going to tell you,” Nick said. “But you’re right. I don’t want to lie to you. I know how important books are to you. I didn’t want it to be a deal breaker, but—” he paused, taking in a shuddering breath, “—if we’re going to do this, I don’t want there to be secrets between us.”
Nick still had his hands shoved in his pockets. Was still holding too still. Jeremy knew it was his turn to say something, but for real, his brain was having trouble making sense of what Nick had said. Because, a) he’d seen Nick read. Wait… had he? Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t exactly sure, but it seemed like he must have. Because, well, everyone did. But really, and much more incomprehensibly, he was stuck on b).
Deal breaker? As in, Nick actually thought Jeremy might… not… want… this? Not want him?
His brain literally stuttered to a standstill over the ridiculousness of the concept.
“I’ve tried,” Nick said in a tight voice, filling the silence. “But I can’t make sense of it. My brain just doesn’t seem to work that way.”
“Dyslexia?” Jeremy asked, finally getting his mouth to work. He tried to remember what he knew about it. Not much.
“Beck thinks so,” Nick said, giving a small jerk of his chin that could have passed for a nod. “I’ve never had it diagnosed, though.”
“Why not?” Jeremy asked, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.
Nick gave a tiny, too-stiff shrug. “I’ve never told anyone else,” he said. “Except Beck.”
Jeremy blinked. Seeing Nick so un-Nick-like—looking tense and nervous and ashamed—hurt something inside him.
But, okay, maybe a tiny part of him was also just a little bit giddy about what Nick had just said. Well, not said, exactly, but revealed.
No one knew except Nick’s best friend… and Jeremy?
No one?
That meant something. Something that, if Jeremy hadn’t been too busy worrying about Nick, would have filled his heart to overflowing.
Actually, maybe it did, anyway.
The bedroom door opened at the end of the hall, and Ava stuck her head out, dressed in a pair of My Little Pony PJ’s.
“Jeremy, I’m ready for my story,” she said, grinning. “Daddy, you can come, too.”
“Okay, Sprout. Get under the blankets, please,” Nick said, turning to her with a smile that almost looked real. “We’ll be there in a second.”
She ducked back into her room, and Nick turned back to Jeremy.
“Even if you don’t want…” he paused, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Look, please just don’t tell Ava. She’s so smart, I know she’ll probably figure it out at some point, but I just… I don’t want her to think less of me. Not yet.”
“Oh my God, Nick,” Jeremy said, his throat closing. Did the man not know how amazing he was? “I wouldn’t… she’s not… nobody’s going to—”
“I’m in bed, Daddy!” Ava called out, cutting off Jeremy’s stumbling attempt to set his man straight. “You can bring Jeremy in to read my new book now!”
“Would you still read her that chapter?” Nick asked stiffly. “If you want to leave afterward, I understand. I told you I wasn’t your dream man.”
“Nick,” Jeremy said, grabbing his arm to stop him when he turned to head down the hall. Jesus. He could actually feel the man shaking. Jeremy wrapped his arms around him, needing to try and stop it. “I can’t imagine what a challenge it’s been for you, and it hurts my heart to think about how hard that must have been. Still is, I’m guessing. But Ava is lucky to have you. She’s never going to think less of you. No one would. You’re incredible.”
Some of the tension went out of Nick, but not enough.
“I’m just good at faking it,” he said, giving Jeremy a smile. Small, but real, at least. “But thanks, J.”
“Dad-dy. Jere-my,” Ava called, sounding like she was on the cusp of getting cranky. “I’m ready for my sto-ry!”
“We’d better go do this,” Nick said, even though he didn’t try to move away yet. He hesitated, then asked, “Do you still want to stay after?”
“Yes.”
“You sure, J?” Nick asked, shooting him a half-hearted wink along with another one of those small-but-real smiles. “It’s not too late for you to back out and go find someone who doesn’t have a fatal flaw.”
The worry in his eyes was at odds with the teasing tone he used, and Jeremy refused to treat it like a joke. He couldn’t stand the thought that Nick might actually believe Jeremy would consider doing that. Would even want that. It was so far from true that it was almost laughable, except for the fact that it was painfully obvious that neither one of them felt like laughing.
“Stop it, please,” he said, cupping Nick’s jaw with both ha
nds. “You’re not flawed, fatally or otherwise. And I don’t want anyone else. You’re it for me, Nick. I’m not going anywhere. At least, not unless you go there, too.”
Nick squeezed his eyes closed at Jeremy’s words. His hands had been resting loosely on Jeremy’s hips, but they tightened almost to the point of pain for a split-second before his eyes popped open again. His grip loosened and he finally gave Jeremy a genuine smile—the kind that reached his eyes and shone forth from his whole face.
“That works for me, Pumpkin,” he said, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Jeremy’s, the tension visibly flowing out of his body. He pulled Jeremy against him, running his hands up and down Jeremy’s back, as if he needed to make sure he kept him there. “How about we start with going to Ava’s room?”
“Okay,” Jeremy said.
Or would have said, anyway, if Nick hadn’t kissed him.
Which was also okay.
Better than okay, actually.
Pretty much perfect… at least until they could get to the naked portion of the evening.
14
Jeremy
After reading Ava chapter eight of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe—and then chapters nine and ten, too, because, for real, he could not resist that little girl when she asked him for something—Jeremy had come out to the balcony so that Nick could have a few minutes to say goodnight to his daughter on his own.
His lip quirked up. “A few minutes” had already turned into long enough for the sky to go from that sort of blueish purple color where the stars first start to become visible to dark enough that they now looked glitter-tastic. Knowing Ava, she was milking the tucking-her-in time for all it was worth. And that was fine, because Jeremy was patient.
Well, okay. Not really.
But Nick was worth the wait.
Until Nick had shown up at his door, Jeremy had really, truly thought that things were over between them. And then, just now, the whole not-reading revelation had given him another scare. Not that Jeremy cared about the reading thing—well, of course he cared, but not that it made any difference to how he felt about Nick—but the fact that his normally open, laid-back boyfriend had suddenly clammed up, pulled away from him, doubted Jeremy’s feelings, all of that had given him a heart-clenching moment where he’d wondered if he was going to lose Nick after all, just when he’d finally gotten him back.
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