The gym Howie owned here in Renton—about half an hour south of Seattle—was just as well run as the one back in Tulsa. Nick liked most of the staff, and he’d already built a good-sized client base, including a flattering number of his former Seattle clients who’d decided to make the drive just to continue training with him.
“How’s it going, Heather?” he asked, not surprised that his ex had a slightly sour expression on her face.
Heather hadn’t been very happy about his insistence that she start doing some of the driving when it came to dropping off and picking up Ava, and things had become even more tense after he’d finally retained an attorney for help with the custody issue. Still, for Ava’s sake, he’d done his best to keep things civil between them.
“It would be a lot better if I hadn’t just spent forty-five minutes stuck in traffic on I-5. You know, for what you must be paying down here, you could get a fairly decent apartment near me up in Bellevue.”
Nick took a breath, letting it out slowly to give himself time to avoid giving her the first response that came to mind. No, he really couldn’t afford something up in Bellevue, and even if he could, giving himself a forty-five minute commute to the gym every day, as opposed to the five minute drive from the little three-bedroom, two-bath house he’d found nearby— just so Heather could avoid the inconvenience of Seattle’s notorious traffic—was really not something he was willing to do.
“Ava likes having a yard,” he said, instead of pointing out how self-centered her point of view was. “And housing prices are better down here.”
“Housing prices?” she repeated back, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “You’re buying?”
“Thinking about it,” he said, nodding.
The house he was renting wasn’t all that spacious, but it was in a nice neighborhood and came with a rent-to-own option if he chose to exercise it. Now that he was back near his mother and his friends—for good this time—he wanted to have a place that he could make feel like a true home for Ava.
And not just for Ava.
Nick scrubbed a hand over his face, swamped with the same frustration that he always felt when he thought of the distance between him and J. The whole time he’d been moving in to his new place, he’d kept thinking about things like where Jeremy could do his writing (the third bedroom), and how soundproofed the master bedroom was (not enough), and whether J would like the patio swing Ava had talked Nick into buying (hopefully). But no matter how often he pictured Jeremy settling in to the little house with him, nothing had actually changed. Jeremy’s life was still 100% in Tulsa, and even though Nick secretly hoped that once he got J in his arms again, the man would have some kind of romantic epiphany and decide to give up everything just to come be with him, he knew that that wasn’t fair. Or even practical. Even if Jeremy had been willing to walk away from his entire life, it’s not like he could just pick up Sir Reads-a-lot and move it across the country.
“I really think—” Heather snapped her mouth closed mid-sentence, surprising him.
Heather had a lot of thoughts—on just about every subject it was possible to have an opinion on—and he honestly couldn’t remember ever hearing her censor herself before.
She huffed out a breath, rubbing at the stress lines that were likely to become permanent in her forehead.
“I’m sorry,” she said, after a moment, shocking him even further.
“What?”
She laughed ruefully, shaking her head. “I know. You probably haven’t heard that very often from me. But, I am sorry, Nick. I’m not trying to be a bitch. I think buying a house is a great idea. Even if it is down here in… okay, no. Sorry. Again. I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if you have a second…?”
“Sure,” he said, scooping up Ava’s backpack and beckoning her back over from the nutrition counter.
He stole another glance at Heather, wondering if she’d been listening to some kind of new-agey, self-help program on NPR during the drive down, or maybe joined some kind of twelve-step program.
“You can walk Ava and I out to the Jeep,” he said, thinking that whatever she had to say was probably best done out of hearing-range from his friendly-but-gossip-hungry co-workers.
Ava skipped ahead of them, making a beeline for the cluster of huge boulders that were part of the decorative landscaping in front of the gym.
“Ava,” Heather called out, frowning as their daughter scrambled to the top of the tallest one and started to practice her pliés from ballet class.
“It’s fine, Heather,” Nick said, giving Ava a thumbs-up when she looked over at them. “She’s not going to fall.”
“She might.”
“She’s got good balance.”
“But what if she hurts herself?”
“Heather,” he said, possibly letting a little of the exasperation he felt color his voice. “She’s fine. What did you want to talk about?”
He unlocked the Jeep and tossed Ava’s backpack inside, feeling the tiniest twinge of regret for the truck he’d sold back in Tulsa. Jeremy had really liked the bench seats—a lot—but driving it back just hadn’t made sense.
“I called Tom this morning.” Her lawyer.
Nick tensed, his eyes flicking toward Ava to make sure she was still out of earshot before turning back to face Heather.
“All the custody stuff needs to be handled between our attorneys,” he said. “I’m not going to get into it with you in front of Ava, Heather.”
“No, of course not. But I wanted you to know, I filed the paternity affidavit yesterday, naming you as the father.” She rustled around in the oversize leather case she carried everywhere in lieu of a purse, pulling out a manila envelope. “Here’s a copy for you. And I told Tom that I wanted to keep it out of court. I thought you and I could try and work out a parenting plan privately.”
Nick took the envelope, wondering if she really had gone and done something drastic. Like a personality transplant.
“You okay, Heather?” he asked cautiously. Terminal illness? Found Jesus? Not-so-evil twin?
Her eyes welled up, and she looked away.
Oh, shit. Maybe she had cancer.
“Something happen to suddenly change your mind?” he asked, genuinely concerned. Heather was the mother of his child, and even if he’d occasionally wanted to throttle her, he didn’t want any actual harm to befall her.
“No,” she said, wiping at her eyes with an embarrassed half-smile. “It’s just best for Ava, and… you don’t deserve the way I’ve been making you jump through hoops.”
“What happened, Heather?” he pressed, setting the envelope onto the passenger seat and gripping her by the shoulders. “Just tell me.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “No, really. Nothing happened. I mean, I’ve been talking to my mother. She’s so happy we’re back, that Ava is close enough to spoil again, and we were talking about my dad and… God, Nick. He was such a fucking prick.”
She slapped her hand over her mouth, looking contrite, and they both whipped their heads around to check on Ava. Still playing out of earshot, thankfully.
Nick looked back at Heather, grinning. How many times had she pestered him to clean up his language after Ava was born?
“Sorry,” she said, laughing. “But he was.”
“I know,” he said, pulling her in for a quick hug. He didn’t know all of it, but he knew enough.
“I couldn’t ask for a better father than you for Ava, Nick,” she said, the words muffled against his shoulder as she let him comfort her. “You’ve always gone above and beyond, and I know I’ve been … difficult.”
“Thanks,” he said, tightening his arms for a minute before stepping away from her. He still felt a little blindsided by her change of heart, but he wasn’t going to argue.
She drew in a shuddering breath and wiped at her cheeks again, then squared her shoulders, starting to look more like the hard-ass Heather he was used to.
“So, do you think we can get togeth
er and work out a parenting plan? Just the two of us?”
He rubbed the back of his neck, looking up at the sky for a moment. It was early, but it was one of those days when the moon was out, a pale orb against the summer blue sky. It looked as out of place as Heather’s actions felt, and he wished he could just say yes and keep the peace between them. But as nice as it was to have her apology, he was done letting her call all the shots when it came to parenting.
“I don’t think so,” he said. “Sorry, Heather. I’d like to still have it handled through our lawyers.”
“I am a lawyer,” she reminded him needlessly, not looking happy with his answer. “Even if family law isn’t my specialty, I’m perfectly capable of drawing up the paperwork.”
Nick shoved his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels as he thought back to the conversation he’d had with Beck when he’d finally decided to go get a professional opinion about his inability to read the month before. He’d sworn Beck to secrecy when they’d just been kids, and in retrospect, he could see how much hiding it for so long had made certain parts of his life harder than they need to be.
“Remember that thing you told me once, about starlight being like time travel?” Beck had asked when Nick had opened up about his anxiety about seeking help.
Nick had known exactly what Beck was referring to. “Yeah. We’re just seeing what used to be there. The distances are so great that some of the stars in our sky don’t even exist anymore.”
“Right,” Beck had said, nodding decisively, as if Nick had just made Beck’s point for him, even though he hadn’t been sure exactly what that was supposed to be. “I know how you felt when you were a kid, but you’re a grown-ass man now, Nick. You know there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. This is just the way you are. Those feelings of shame and whatnot are your starlight, still shining even though the moment is long gone. Let it go.”
Heather had crossed her arms in front of her chest, her fingers drumming against the sleeves of her suit jacket as she started to morph back into her usual self.
“The parenting plan form is simple, Nick. I can look it over—”
“But I can’t, Heather,” he said, cutting her off. His chest started to tighten with anxiety, but he breathed through it, plunging ahead. “I struggle with reading. I always have, and it’s… pretty bad.”
Her drumming fingers stilled, and her eyes widened in shock.
Nick swallowed, glancing in Ava’s direction again. She was still playing. He kept going. “Written words just don’t make sense to me. I finally got it diagnosed last month—dyslexia—and I’m working on some things that are helping, a little. But if you had a client with my… disability… would you advise them to try and handle a legal matter on their own?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head slowly. “I’d tell them to get representation. Especially if they were dealing with someone who’d already been a royal pain in the ass about the matter.”
Her lip quirked up slightly with the admission, and Nick grinned, feeling strangely light hearted. Almost weightless. It was like telling J after so many years of faking it had taken the lid off a shaken soda bottle of pent-up feelings, and now he found himself spilling the truth to everyone. First his mother, then the doctor Beck had referred him to. The reading specialist, now Heather. He might as well just tattoo in on his forehead at this point, but he had to admit, the pressure relief was freeing.
“Nick… really? You really can’t read?” Heather asked, still looking dumbfounded. “How come you never…”
Her voice trailed off, and she just stared at him, as if seeing him for the first time.
“I was ashamed of it,” he said, finding it a bit odd that he didn’t feel that way now that he was actually telling the truth.
“It would have made things easier, if I’d known,” she said, her demeanor softening.
“Yup.” She was right. But he hadn’t been ready.
“You’re… amazing,” she said, surprising him yet again. She glanced over at Ava—now crouched down next to the boulders and poking at something in the gravel with a stick—then back at Nick. “What I said earlier, about not being able to ask for a better father for Ava—I can’t even imagine how you’ve handled everything so well. I don’t know that my opinion matters here, but I really don’t think it’s something to be ashamed of. On the contrary, you’re such an incredible role model for her.”
“I’m not ready to tell her just yet,” he said, knowing that would have to change at some point. He huffed out a breath. J was right, his sprout wasn’t going to judge him for it—at least, not any more than in the thousand-and-one ways kids always judged their parents—but he still needed a little time. “I will, but I’m still getting used to not hiding it.”
“I’m sorry we were never close enough for you to feel like you could share it with me before,” Heather said, squeezing his arm. “Do you think that’s why things didn’t work out for us?”
Nick couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing. Jesus, no. That wasn’t why. He was genuinely happy for this shift in his and Heather’s relationship, but just… no.
“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head as he got a handle on it. “But honestly, Heather, we just never clicked like that.”
She grimaced, but didn’t disagree. “At least we got Ava out of it,” she said.
“Big, shining, irreplaceable silver lining.”
She smiled, but then sighed, crossing her arms again and leaning one hip against the hood of his Jeep. “Sometimes I worry that all the baggage from my messed-up childhood is going to end up ruining things for Ava. Maybe she would have been better off with two parents who stayed together.”
“As far as I can tell, sticking your kids with unwanted baggage is just the nature of parenting, Heather. Neither one of us is perfect, but Ava will make it through. Hopefully she’ll end up less messed up than we are, and that’s probably because we didn’t stay together. I think she’s definitely better off having two parents who are happy apart.”
Heather pursed her lips, almost looking like she was going to argue, but instead, she asked, “Are you, Nick? Happy, I mean. I know that you didn’t want to leave Tulsa. I know you had the, um… boyfriend. Back in Tulsa.”
“I’m happy,” he said, instantly grinning at the thought of J. Heather may have had her faults, but thank God being small-minded about whom he loved wasn’t one of them. “I’ll be even happier when he gets here, though.”
“Ava seems to really like him,” she said, smiling. “Jerry, right?”
“Jeremy.”
Ava ran up, waving the stick she’d been playing with in the air like it was a Fourth of July sparkler. “Daddy, can we go yet? What time is Grandma coming over for dinner? Did you put up the new curtains in my room like you promised?”
“The stick stays here, Sprout, and yes, six o’clock, and yes.”
She tossed the stick aside and scrambled into the Jeep, buckling herself into the backseat.
Heather’s eyebrows shot up. “She always whines about wanting to sit in the front with me.”
“She’s not big enough yet.”
“I know, but… okay, chalk it up to one more way you’ve impressed me today.”
“Come on, Daddy. Grandma promised to read me the next chapter in Prince Caspian before dinner.”
“I think I remember you agreeing that you were going to read it to her, Sprout.”
She pouted, then grinned. “Jeremy’s going to bring me all the Harry Potter books when he comes, isn’t he?”
Nick laughed, but refused to confirm it. He wasn’t sure how she’d figured it out, but he wasn’t going to take the blame for officially ruining J’s “surprise.”
“Have a good weekend with Daddy, sweetheart,” Heather said, leaning in to kiss Ava’s cheek and then closing the Jeep’s door. She turned to Nick, “I didn’t realize it was getting that serious with this Jeremy. I’d like to meet him sometime, especially if he’s going to be a part of our daughter�
�s life.”
“Fair enough,” Nick said, knowing he’d feel the same way if he were in her shoes.
Jeremy already was a part of Ava’s life, and now Nick was down to just eleven more days to come up with an answer that had already eluded him for the past couple of months. How could he make J a more permanent part of his own?
Because Nick knew for sure that once Jeremy got to Seattle, he was going to have a hard time ever letting him go again.
18
Jeremy
Jeremy’s ass was getting tired. Sitting in a too-small seat for five and a half hours next to someone who not only could have used a bigger one, but also snored, had definitely taken some of the shine off the excitement about his first plane ride. Now, though, it was almost over.
Which meant that he was about to see Nick.
A little shiver of anticipation went through him, and his knee started to bounce impatiently. Why did the last few minutes suddenly seem longer than the entire eighty-six days they’d been apart?
Jeremy had thankfully managed to get a window seat, and when the captain announced that they were finally approaching the Sea-Tac airport in Seattle, Jeremy leaned his forehead against the cool glass—Plastic? Plexiglass? Whatever.—to try to get a look at the place he was secretly hoping might become his new home.
They’d already passed a gorgeous, snow-covered mountain—one that looked almost too postcard-perfect to be real—and now the city itself spread out below him, sprawling and busy and built right up to the edge of the waterfront. The whole green, mountainous landscape was gorgeous, a totally different feel than the low hills around Tulsa. It was definitely something he could get used to. Although, really, at this point he was pretty sure he’d think the barren face of the moon was a great place to live, if it included Nick.
Jeremy unzipped his backpack as the plane started its decent, tucking his Kindle in next to the file Gavin had given him to look over during the flight. He’d dutifully pulled it out and glanced at the numbers after he’d finished reading the Alessandra Hazard book he’d downloaded the night before, but when his eyes had immediately started glazing over, he’d put the file away again. He knew he should care, but for real, he just didn’t have it in him to focus on the details right now. The important thing was that it was going to work.
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