by Brie Paisley
Clark is the next brother, and the last I heard, he recently returned home from a deployment. From what I’ve learned about Clark, he joined the Army, as soon as he was able, and Caden always said he wanted to be like Superman and save the world. The only brother I never really got to know was Caleb. He’s the youngest out of the group, and when I came into the picture, he was getting ready to go to MIT. I always got the feeling that Caleb was the smartest out of the bunch, and him and I never really saw each other. There were a few times, when I would come over for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and he would be there, but we just never clicked.
But that could be, because after a year, I knew I had fallen hard for Carter.
Back then, I didn’t see anyone else but him. Now, I wish I had. I wish all the guys I dated, to take him off my mind and out of my heart, had worked out. Sadly, it only made things worse. Each guy I was with, I compared them to Carter. He was the only one I could depend on. The only one who understood what I was going through. He took me under his wing, and gave me a family, when mine wasn’t around anymore.
Unfortunately, no matter what I do, my feelings for Carter refuse to go away. Which is another reason, I come to the Princess to drink my problems away. None of the Harlow brothers come here, at least not to my knowledge. Even if one of them did show up, I’m sure they would ignore me just like Carter still does. Taking another drink of my beer, I sigh deeply, trying not to be bitter about everything. Catching the bartender’s eye again, I signal for another shot. Watching Daniel get my shot ready, I think back to the last time Carter and I spoke. It wasn’t pretty by any means. In all honesty, it was brutal for me. That conversation put everything in perspective, and knowing what I do now, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
The sad thing is I relive that moment countless times every single day. The bar goes out of focus, as I suddenly see so clearly where I was that day, and how my life quickly changed once again.
My eyes snap open, as I feel him get out of bed. Pretending to still be asleep, I watch Carter walk quickly to the door. My stomach drops, knowing what I’ve done. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. I don’t even remember falling asleep. I could blame it all on the beers I had last night, but that would be a lie. I wanted to be here with him. I’ve wanted to tell him for so long how I felt, but the courage just never came. My only intention was to lie next to him and will the words to come out, but I must have fallen asleep.
He doesn’t even glance back to me, as he opens the door. When he stops suddenly, I wonder if something is wrong. My heart races in my chest, thinking it’s one of the twins, and knowing how this seems, I feel like I need to vomit up all the alcohol I drank the night before. As I stare at Carter’s back, I notice the way he holds the door, making sure no one can see inside the room. It instantly lets me know it’s Shelby on the other side.
Jealousy makes me stupid.
Envy makes me turn into someone I don’t want to be.
“Carter, come back to bed,” I call out, and as soon as the words come out of my mouth, I instantly want to take them back. What the fuck am I doing? This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am.
“Please tell me that’s not Bethany in there,” I hear her say, and I swallow hard, knowing what she’ll do next. It’s what she always does, and Carter will never forgive me, if she runs from this.
Even knowing what I do, I still don’t do a thing to stop it.
My heart pounds in my chest, as the door slowly opens, and it’s as if everything slows down to intensify the moment. Moving up in the bed, I clutch the sheet in my hand, as Shelby and I lock gazes. Even with how far away I am from her, I know what she’s thinking. Any woman would’ve thought the same, and instead of denying it, I let her think what she wants. I don’t know why I’m doing this. Why won’t my mouth open and say something? Why don’t I want to say anything? This is my best friend’s girl, and the one that got away. A part of me doesn’t care what I’m doing. Carter forgot I’m still his friend. The second she came back, he forgot everything around him, including me. It was as if our friendship meant nothing, and like I never existed. It hurt to be cast aside, because he did exactly what my family had done, not so long ago. Even knowing this, I still will myself to call out to them, and to tell them it isn’t what it seems, but not a sound comes out.
And just like that, I’ve ruined everything.
Shelby turns to leave, and I watch Carter run after her. “Shelby, it’s not what it looks like,” he says to her, and I want to confirm that. I truly do, but instead, I glance down at my beer stained shirt on the floor. It’s the only reason I was even wearing Carter’s shirt, and why I even bothered to come in here. I knew he had a small dresser against the wall, where he kept extra clothes. Hell, I still have my shorts on for Christ’s sake. “Please, Shelby. Let me explain. I swear, it’s not what you think.”
Carter’s plea goes unanswered, and then a moment later, I hear, “Fuck you, Carter. Don’t follow me either.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I whisper to myself and jump, when the door slams.
Hearing loud footsteps, I know it’s Carter, coming back to the room. Clenching my jaw and holding onto the sheet with my hand still, I harden myself for what’s coming. He’ll instantly blame me, not that I can deny it. He forcefully opens the door, as he yells, “You have five fucking seconds to explain what the hell that was.”
Trying to hold back my anger for him yelling at me, I clench my jaw. “Why are you yelling at me? I didn’t do anything.” Denial, denial, denial. I know exactly what I’ve done. I just don’t want to admit it. Even though I see the anger in his eyes, I still don’t want to admit I fucked up. To be honest, a part of me still hopes there’s a chance for us. I want him to see I’m still here for him, and that I’ll forgive him for casting me aside. If he would just open his eyes, he would see that I’ve always been here for him.
“Bethany, don’t test me right now. Shelby saw you were in here, and now, she thinks we fucked.”
Typical woman behavior, but I keep that comment to myself. Rolling my eyes instead, I cross my arms, saying, “That’s her problem, not mine. It’s not my fault she runs away, like a child, every time something doesn’t go her way.”
“Is that really what you think of her?”
I really don’t have this low of an opinion of her because I don’t know her. When she and I first met a few months back, I was shocked she even thought to show her face. After what she did to Carter, I was angry she was able to waltz back in his life, like nothing had happened. A part of me has always been jealous of Shelby. It’s her memory that Carter wouldn’t let go of, and in my eyes, that’s why he couldn’t move on. But of course, instead of admitting this as well, I lie. “Of course. Why else would she do it?”
Carter takes a deep breath, and I know the signs. He is losing patience with me. “First off, you have no idea what Shelby has been through, and it’s none of your fucking business to know or to judge her.” My eyes begin to water, but I will the tears away. I hate he is so angry with me, and it shows, when he lifts a finger, pointing it at me and says, “Second, you forget I fucking know you, and you never do anything like this without an agenda. Thirdly, you and I have never slept in the same bed, let alone the same room, so care to explain this to me?”
Looking away, I huff out a breath. This is quickly becoming a real fucking mess. How is it that something so innocent could turn into such a cluster fuck? Even if I finally come clean and admit to Carter what I was doing in the same room as him, he’d never believe me now. I had my one chance to come clean, but I didn’t. The only other option I have is to finally tell him how I feel. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it, but I have to try. I have to do something to fix the situation. I only hope he’ll finally see what he has, and surely, he’ll feel the same way.
“Carter, I’m going to tell you something, but …” Looking back to him, I will him to see what’s right in front of him. He doesn’t need Shelby. He’s had me all along.
The longer I gaze into those deep, brown eyes, the more I realize he has no clue what I’m trying to say. “I don’t think you’re going to say the same thing back.”
“What are you talking about?”
Hearing the agitation in his voice, I quickly blurt out, “Carter, I … I’m in love with you, okay? There, I said it, and now you know.” God that doesn’t feel right. This feels wrong on so many levels. Here I am, sitting in bed still, and Carter stands a mere few feet from me, but the shocked look written across his face, tells me everything.
He will never love me back.
“I can see you’re confused and shocked, so I’ll explain it a bit for you,” I start. When he doesn’t try to interrupt, I continue, “I knew I had feelings for you about a year after we met. I knew you still loved …” Tripping over my words, it takes me a minute to finish. I can’t bear to say her name. “Her, but I was willing to wait, until you got over her. I thought it would only be a matter of time, before you finally gave up on her, after you told me some of what happened between you two, but I really didn’t think she’d come back.” I don’t know who is more shocked about the fact I just told him how I feel, or the fact he just heard it. Did he really not know? How is it possible he never knew how I felt about him? When he continues to stare at me, I say, “Carter, please say something.”
“I don’t know what to even think right now. What would you like me to say? Why would you push me to other women, but yet, you say you love me? Not to mention, I’ve seen you with other guys. This makes no fucking sense.”
“I dated only to move on, but when it never happened, I just used them.” And that’s the truth, even if he doesn’t want to believe it. “And I thought if you started dating again, you’d forget about her.” God, that hurt to see every single time. I knew, if he at least began to move on, that he’d give me a shot, or that’s what I figured. I was so wrong, though.
Before I can try and explain more, he shakes his head, asking, “And then what? I’d come running to you? Why would you even think that?”
“Because, Carter,” I start, beginning to feel like this conversation is headed nowhere. “I thought you’d finally see me, as more than a friend.”
“I’ll never see you that way, Bethany.” Fuck that hurts to hear. “It’s always been her, and that’ll never change.”
Jerking back, it feels as if he just slapped me in the face with those words. “You can’t mean that. You just need more time, and you’ll see there’s something between us.” He just needs more time. He needs to open his fucking eyes and see what’s right in front of him. This can’t be it for our chance. After everything, this can’t be it. He can’t just forget about the years of us being friends, or him accepting me into his family.
“What else do I have to do to show you that it’s not going to happen? At least not romantically. You’re my friend or was. Fuck, I don’t know what to think of you anymore.” Tears fill my eyes, but I hold strong. I don’t want him to see me so broken, and so devastated by his claim for a woman that left him long ago.
But instead of trying to talk to me, he only shakes his head once more and walks out of the room. It’s as if he can’t stand to look at me anymore, and that hurts worse than what he said. I feel defeated and utterly dumfounded by this turn of events. Honestly, I had no idea he still felt such strong feelings for Shelby. It only makes my jealousy burn hotter.
I hate her.
I hate how she’s reduced me to this love-sick girl, who does stupid things like this. Carter is it for me, I just know it. He is the only guy that I’ve felt this way for, and now, I have no idea where to go, or what to do.
Yeah, I’ve done some shit in the past to try and gain his attention, but it was all for nothing. I will not be the one to beg or plead anymore. If he wants a happily ever after, with a woman that moved on without him, then so be it. With my mind made up, I get out of bed. Carter thinks he’s had the last say, but there’s something I have to tell him. Even if I’ve ruined our friendship, he needs to know Shelby, the one person he thinks is perfect, has a secret, and I know what that secret is.
Walking out of the room, I search for Carter in his room, before I realize he’s in the living room. Taking a deep breath, I will myself to be strong for a little while longer. As soon as I tell him this, I’m done, and then I can hide away in my room to cry it out. “Carter, there’s something else I need to tell you.”
He drops his hands by his sides, and then asks, “What else could you possibly have to say?”
Hearing the pain laced in his voice, I clench my jaw. Maybe, I shouldn’t tell him this. Taking a moment to gather myself, I sit down on the couch by him. My heart pounds in my chest with the words I want to say, but not because I want to hurt him, like he has me. No, I just want him to see the fucking truth for once.
“There’s a reason I didn’t think Shelby would ever come back. When you told me she left you, I did some research.” More like hacking, but he doesn’t need to know that. A simple Google search will be fine for him, if he needs confirmation. “I found something, and I know she hasn’t told you.” Yeah, I know Shelby hasn’t told him, because if he knew, he wouldn’t be so upset she just ran out on him. Again.
“Out with it already,” he huffs out.
“She was married, Carter,” I say with a bit of regret in my voice. Did I want to tell him like this? Not really, but he needs to know.
His head snaps to me, and I can tell he doesn’t believe me. “Why would you lie about something like that? Look, I get you want me for yourself, and it’s not going to happen, but to lie to me? That’s a low blow, Bethany.”
“I’m not lying to you,” I snap back. Of course, he thinks I’m making this shit up. “I get you’re pissed at me, but I swear I’m telling the truth.” He refuses to meet my eyes, because he thinks I’m a liar. I may be a bitch, and I might be the bad guy right now, but I’m not lying about this. Shaking my head, I get up off the couch, telling him, “I get you don’t want to believe that she did move on and had another life without you, but it’s the truth. Google it and see for yourself.” Turning, I head back to the guest room to grab my shit. I don’t need this bullshit. I don’t need my best friend to think I lied to him, when I’ve never lied to him about anything. Sure, I have my own secrets, but who doesn’t?
After I grab my stuff, I walk back out to the living room. I try so hard not to stare at him, but I lose that battle. I take his presence in, and commit it to memory, because in a way, I know this is it for us. “She doesn’t deserve another chance with you,” I utter softly, as I reach the door.
I’m so fucking done trying to convince him that what I said was true. I’m so fucking done with trying to get him to realize just because his precious Shelby is back, that I’m still here. But just like with my parents, he can’t be bothered to even glance my way. I’m nothing to him now. Our friendship means nothing to him, because he isn’t even willing to fight for it. I know he’s already closed the door mentally, when he just sits there, staring at nothing. I feel like discarded trash. I feel like the entire time we were friends was nothing more than him passing the time, until she returned. Now, I’ve served my purpose. I kept him busy, while he waited and pined after her. All the times he was there for me, was nothing more than a lie. If our friendship means so much to him, how is he able to sit by, as I force myself not to break down and cry? How can he act like I’m not even here? How can one mistake shatter the years we’ve spent together?
Instead of trying once again to fix what I’ve broken, I walk out, slamming the door shut behind me.
I quickly come out of my memory, when a drunk guy bumps into me. Giving him a hard stare, he holds up his hands and mumbles his sorry. Turning away, I down the rest of my beer and signal the bartender again. “Another round?”
“No,” I bite out. “Close my tab and give me my keys back.” He starts to protest, when I cut him off. “I’m calling a cab.” Holding up my phone, I show him I’m calling the cab company.
Thankfully, the nosey bartender doesn’t say anything back and turns to close my tab. Quickly making the call for the cab, I glance around the bar and instantly wish I hadn’t. My stomach drops, as I see couples sitting close by each other, kissing or just showing off way too much PDA. I hate seeing them. It only reminds me that I have no one. It’s like another dose of pain that I don’t want to fucking feel.
Not only that, it reminds me of how much I miss Carter, and how I’ll never have him back in my life.
I’m going to miss this place.
Taping up the last box, I glance around my dorm room, as the memories from the past six years cross my mind. I’ve had many ups and downs, but overall, the experience has been amazing. I count myself lucky that I got a scholarship at MIT, and for the friends I’ve made along the way. It makes me not want to leave, but it’s time I move back home and try to start a life of my own.
Massachusetts has been great and all, but there’s nothing like home.
Letting a smile form across my face, I feel excitement building, knowing in just a few hours, I’ll be moving back home. Granted, I’ll be crashing with my mom and dad for a while. At least, until I can find a job and get my footing.
Amber colored eyes flash in my mind, and I close my eyes, as her face comes into view. God, from the second my eyes landed on hers, I knew I was a goner. It doesn’t matter that I’ve barely seen her in the past six years. It doesn’t matter that she hardly knows me. All I know is, I’ve wanted her from the moment I met her. I can just imagine what it’ll be like, when I’m able to run my fingers through her long, blonde hair. I wonder what color highlights she has now, since she’s always had such a rebel personality, and she’s always coloring her hair differently to stand out. My heart pounds in my chest like a drum, picturing what she tastes like. What would her lips feel like against mine? Would she let out a sigh once I claim her mouth, or even her body?
