When I’m finished talking, his face is completely blank. He doesn’t seem the least bit interested in apologizing.
“Look, Paul, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so upset, but …”
“Faith—” he says, raising his hand and shaking his head.
Oh my God. He’s still so angry. This is a side of him I haven’t seen. It’s clear that there’s no room for accusations, negotiations, or the parsing of words. I fear the next words out of his mouth. I have to start over and beg for his forgiveness. I quickly cut him off and bury my head in his chest.
“Paul, no, please let me finish. I know I was wrong. You have to believe me. You know I was cheated on. I’m just insecure because I love you. I put up walls. I need to work on that.”
“Faith, I’ve done nothing,” he insists.
“I know, I know,” I cry, putting my arms around his neck. “It’s not you … it’s me.” He strokes my hair, which tells me he’s softening if only a bit. “I love you and don’t want to lose you. No argument is worth losing everything over.” He finally holds me in a full embrace. I tell him over and over again how much I love him.
“I know, I know,” he finally says, rocking me in his arms.
My blue eyes, my tears, my apologies work. Thank God we’re not going to break up. Everything’s going to be all right.
But everything’s not all right. This will be the first of several arguments. Something between us has changed. From the time we met until my divorce was over, there was a strong bond between us. That bond was my divorce from Ryan. We spent so much time talking about my divorce, the upcoming trial, and all my arguments with Ryan. He knew everything (except the time I made love with Ryan after we met in the park). We were even worried that Ryan was having us followed. Now that my divorce is gone, and the trial is over, we’re not the same anymore.
Two months later I’m still waiting for Paul to file for divorce from his wife. I want us to get married and start our own family. I want to have his baby. You know I’m not getting any younger. He’s still trying to convince me they’re still working through all the details. It’s too difficult to see him like this. We mostly get together on Thursday nights, every other weekend, and whenever I can get Grace to watch the kids. If we’re going to be married, he needs to start interacting with my children.
My son’s baseball team has a game, and I want Paul to come to meet Ryan. As far as I know, Ryan’s still dating the younger girl. When I ask the kids, they tell me they haven’t met anyone. I want Ryan to see I’m in love. I want him to know I’m happy, and he didn’t break me.
But when I ask Paul to come, he says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
We’re sitting at my kitchen table. I get up, sit on his lap, and hold him in my arms. “Come on baby, don’t you want to come with me?”
“It’s just too soon,” he says.
“Too soon? We’ve been together a year and a half,” I say. “I know you don’t like to talk about it yet but I’m happy. I want to marry you. If we’re going to get married, you need to know my children. Aren’t you happy?”
“Sure, I’m happy,” he tells me.
I give him a kiss. “Then what’s the problem?” I ask.
“There’s no reason to rush everything. We have the rest of our lives together.”
“Rush everything? I haven’t even met your daughter yet.”
“Do you remember when you kept me secret because you didn’t want your husband to know about us? I’m in the same boat. If my wife finds out about you, she’ll keep my daughter from me.”
“What?!” I ask in disbelief. “She doesn’t even know about me?”
He moves me off his lap and stands up from the table. “Don’t start yelling, Faith.”
“I’m not yelling,” I promise, lowering my voice a bit. “This is not yelling.”
“I don’t know why you’re in such a rush. Why do you want to antagonize Ryan?”
“Why are you taking his side?” I ask.
“I’m not taking anyone’s side.”
“I hate him. I want him to see me. I want him to see you. I want him to see us together.”
“Is this what it’s all about? Making him jealous?”
I hold his face in my hands so he’s looking directly into my eyes. “Of course not,” I scowl. We’ve never discussed having a baby before but I’ve been looking for an opportunity to bring it up. This is as good a time as any to let him know just how I feel. “Look at me. I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have a baby with you.”
Instead of being happy, he looks at me like he can’t believe his ears. “Faith … you have three kids. I’ve got a daughter,” he says.
“I know that. I want to be a mommy to all our kids—even your daughter.”
He pulls away from me and takes a few steps back. “Slow down. We barely know each other, and you’re talking about being my daughter’s mom. She has a mom.”
“We’ve dated for a year and a half,” I say.
“During most of that time, you were married. We weren’t really together.”
“We were together,” I disagree.
“Faith, we’ve been dating, really dating, for only seven months.”
“I don’t care how long it’s been. I don’t have to date five years to know what I want.”
I move forward to kiss him. One kiss and I can show him how much I love him. When I reach forward, he pulls back, which takes me by surprise. He laces his fingers together, and looks down at the table like he’s considering his next move. I sit for a second, biting my lower lip. Neither of us makes a move so I ask, “Paul, do you love me?”
“Faith—” he begins, shaking his head like he doesn’t want to answer my question.
“No, answer me,” I demand as my eyes fill with tears. “Do you love me? Do you want to marry me?” He sits there saying nothing. Tears roll down my cheeks and I can’t breathe. I keep trying to talk but I can’t get anything out. “I can’t believe this,” I finally manage between gasps. “I gave up everything because I love you, and you can’t even tell me you love me?”
“What?” he asks like he’s shocked. “What do you mean you gave up everything for me?”
I put my head down, still crying. “I love you. I knew I loved you then. I gave up my marriage, my home, everything because I knew I wanted to be with you.”
He shakes his head like nothing I’m saying is true. “I never told you to divorce your husband,” he says.
“You didn’t have to tell me.”
I’m crying but Paul is completely unemotional. He takes a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds. He exhales loudly so I can hear it before he says, “You told me your marriage was over before we ever met. You said you were just waiting to sign the papers.”
“I never said I was waiting to sign the papers. I hadn’t even filed for divorce when I met you.”
“You did say it. You said it many times. Remember, you were only there for the kids and were waiting to sign the papers?”
“I never said that,” I say, shaking my head.
“This is insane!”
“I’m not insane! I’m not crazy!” I shout. “What does it matter what I said? Ryan wanted me back—he begged me to come back. I’d have stayed if not for you. I was in love with you.”
“What are you saying?” he asks.
Oh my God! What am I saying? Men never know what they want. If a woman waits for a man to figure out what he wants, she’ll be waiting forever. I’m thirty-five years old, I’m pretty, and I can get any man I want. I won’t wait forever. It’s time to force his hand. “I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. You have to decide if want me or not?”
Paul stands across from me with his hand over his mouth. When he finally talks, his voice is so quiet and muffled. I can barely hear his words. It almost sounds like he said, “We need a break.”
“What?” I ask.
He removes his hand, and speaks with complete clarity. “I think we
need to take a break.”
We need a break? What the hell just happened? I’ve always been so headstrong and it’s always worked for me. Now I’ve thrown in all of my chips, and he’s called my bluff. I’m left holding no cards at all. This has never happened before; I have no idea what to do next. I try to look at his face but he turns away. We stand there in silence. Finally I say, “Maybe we do.”
With those three words my whole world crumbles. I don’t know why I said it. It’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say is “I love you…of course I don't want a break. I wanted him to put his head in my lap and tell me how he can’t live without me. Instead, without any further explanation or discussion, Paul walks out of my house and closes the door behind him. I chase after him and stand outside my front door hoping he still wants to talk. Instead of talking, he walks to his truck and drives away.
“Jerk!” I say just loud enough so he can’t hear. “You’ll be back.”
Over the past two days, I’ve come to realize I pushed him too hard too fast. Demanding marriage and kids was too much. By now, I’ve been around him enough to know that he’s not going to call me. If I want him (which I do) I’ve got to reach out to him. I write him a pretty long email so he knows exactly how I feel. I tell him I’m not perfect, but I’ll try to be more understanding. We both have issues to work on but our relationship is worth it. We love each other and that’s all that matters. After three days, I receive his response. It’s much shorter than mine:
==============================================
Faith:
The truth is plain to see. We are very different people. I see no reason for further explanation or a long goodbye. Our relationship isn’t healthy for you or me.
Paul
==============================================
What the hell? Why does he have to make such a big deal out of everything? I follow up with another four-page email but this time I get no response at all. He refuses to answer any of my calls or texts. This can’t be happening? We’ve got too much to just throw everything away. I don’t see how things went so wrong but one way or another I have to fix it.
– CHAPTER 24 –
I become obsessed with getting Paul back. I text and email him, but he writes nothing back. I message him on Facebook and then he unfriends and blocks me. I create a different Facebook account just to keep up with him. He keeps posting one photo after another of him and his wife and daughter. He even changed his status to “married.” I cannot believe my eyes. I always thought he was still hung up on her but he tried to convince me that it was all in my head; that I was being crazy. One of the pictures is taken at the same park where we once met. It’s the three of them sitting together in the grass.
I look at his status again and again hoping it changes and we can get back together but it never does. The photos of him, his wife, and his daughter keep coming, and each photo takes me back to square one. Every day, I tell myself not to look but every day I put his name in the search bar to see if he’s posted something new. It’s all so maddening.
Every day, every minute, every second of our relationship runs through my mind. Now I’m starting to wonder if he was ever going to leave his wife. Was he lying to me the whole time? Was he having sex with his wife while he was having sex with me? Who would do this? The thought of it makes my blood boil. I broke up my family to be with him. I don’t care what he says—he owes me. He can’t just walk away like I’m nothing. I won’t let him.
I wait outside his work hoping I’ll run into him. The one time I see him, he turns and walks away like he didn’t even see me. I wait outside his house hoping to see him but he’s always with his wife. I just know he’d come back if they weren’t together. I think of one scheme after another to get her out of the picture. Terrible thoughts run through my head that won’t go away. I write her one letter after another to tell her all about us but I don’t have the guts to mail them. It all makes me crazy. I feel like Glen Close, the woman in Fatal Attraction.
I go to a therapist but talking about Paul only makes me miss him more. I can’t tell her the things I’m really thinking about. If I did, she’d call the police. I have to do something. I won’t spend the rest of my life waiting for him to leave his wife and return to me.
***************** PRESENT MOMENT *****************
Why didn’t I just leave well enough alone? It’s like I took one step, and then another step, and the next thing I knew I was too far gone to go back.
Everyone here has a story to tell but nobody cares. Most people are so mentally or physically gone they can’t even tell their stories. So many people are riddled with disease or infections. They desperately need medical care but they’re completely ignored. Others have no arms or legs. They’re forced to live without prosthetics. People who need wheelchairs drag themselves across the floor. Anyone too old, too weak, or too tired must limp along or walk hunched over. Many grimace with pain every time they take a step.
As much as people with physical problems are ignored, those with mental problems get even less help. You can tell the people who’ve been here for too many years by the way they act. They walk around talking to themselves or to an empty space in front of them like there’s actually a real person standing there. All day long, they hit their heads over and over again, walk around in circles, or bang their heads against a wall. Women rock back and forth endlessly. Some soil themselves and have to sit in the mess for days. All through the night, I hear the screams of people who are tormented by their dreams.
– CHAPTER 25 –
As hard as I thought breaking up with Paul would be, I wish it were that easy. When I was married to Ryan, I once bought a beautiful, expensive, crystal vase that was the centerpiece on our dining room table. It slipped out of my hands when I was cleaning it and fell to the floor. It all happened so fast but seemed to unfold in slow motion. The vase crashed to the floor and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. The vase was unrecognizable. There was no saving it.
This is exactly what happened to my heart. It shattered into thousands of pieces and will never be the same again. I fall into a depression that’s so much deeper and darker than I ever thought possible.
When Ryan and I divorced, I felt nothing but relief. Now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t function. I wake up long enough to get the kids off to school, and then I go right back to bed. The breakup steals all my joy. I need to focus on my life, my kids, and my friends but I just can’t pick myself up and move on. I go to my doctor for help. He prescribes anti-depressants and pills to help me sleep. It’s such a relief to finally sleep through the night.
Sharon comes by and tries to cheer me up but nothing helps. “Faith, Paul’s not the only man out there,” she says. “Get out and date.”
Dating someone else seems impossible but I promise to try. She sets me up with the friend of a guy she’s dating. He seems like a great guy but all I can think about is Paul.
Getting a date always comes easy for me. I’m attractive, and everywhere I go men walk up to me and begin a conversation—at the grocery store, the gas station, sitting in a restaurant, at the gym, in elevators, at church or school, or sitting at a club. Back when I used to go to clubs with Ryan or Paul, other men would come right up and ask me to dance or try to buy me a drink. I think they would wait until I was alone. I don’t think I’ve ever bought a drink in my life.
Meeting a man is one thing but finding a lasting relationship is something entirely different. Over the next year, I go on so many dates. Sometimes, I go out on a date or two and sometimes it lasts a few weeks or months. All men want sex. To them it’s a sport, and I’m the trophy. I’m so tired of being conquered. Sex does nothing to strengthen the relationship. If anything, men lose interest afterward. I look at myself and wonder how I got here. So many men. So many false starts.
You see, I’m a romantic. I want love and marriage. In the beginning, men tell you they want marriage. They act like it’s great that I
have three kids, but when faced with the reality of school, football, baseball, softball, volleyball, choir, band, ex-husbands, and homework, they change their tune. Several men have told me directly that they’re not ready for three kids. Most men aren’t looking for the same thing I’m looking for. It’s one breakup after another. There just aren’t any good men out there.
I’m through with men. I need to work on myself and concentrate more on my kids, my job, and my relationship with God. I finally stop dating completely.
Whenever I stop dating, however, I feel alone and lonely. All I do is think about Paul. Every day I look him up online, but he and his wife seem happier than ever. It’s 2005, I’m thirty-seven, and this has been the worst year of my life. I’m so depressed and the road forward looks dusty, dirty, and full of twists and turns.
Ryan doesn’t make my life any easier. He just won’t accept the custody order. I don’t think he’ll ever let it go. He’s always wanting me to give him the kids. When I won’t, he threatens to take me back to court. He wants to fight about everything. We argue when the kids are late for school, if they don’t turn in their homework, if I’m late to drop them off for his visitation. He hates when I call it that. Every time I forget their book bags, shoes, or other personal items, he gets angry. It’s true that their grades have slipped since our divorce but it’s not my fault. Ryan blames me because he always helped with their schoolwork. He just won’t move on. All it does is make me hate him even more. I’m so glad I finally left. I try to avoid him as much as possible.
– CHAPTER 26 –
Nothing, whether good or bad, lasts forever. It takes me many months but I move forward little by little. I focus more attention on my kids. I get more involved in their activities, and I return to the church where I was once very involved. I haven’t seen these friends in over a year but they’re not judgmental. They love me and welcome me back with open arms.
The Killing of Faith: A Suspense Thriller You Won't Soon Forget. (The Killing of Faith Series Book 1) Page 13
