We walk a very short distance toward the water where a small bench sits under a streetlight. It’s such a perfect spot. It’s like he put it there just before our arrival. We’re sitting right by the lake with the waves crashing against the rocks in front of us. It creates a very relaxing rhythm.
Across the lake, I can see lights scattered in the distance. At the restaurant, we sat high above the water. Everything was very far below. The sailboats looked so tiny. Now they’re big and bright. There’s a boat dock about a quarter-mile to our right. We can see the last boats coming in. The little bench, the water, the waves, and the moonlight, are perfect. We sit in silence for five or ten minutes taking it all in.
He rests his arm behind me on the back of the bench and says, “I’d like to ask you a personal question.”
“Oh no, not the ‘personal question’ already!” I say, joking but also being a little serious.
“No, no,” he says. “Are you happy with your life?”
“That’s it? That’s the personal question?” I ask. I finally look down and say, “I don’t know. I haven’t asked myself that question in a long time.”
“Well, I’d like to see you happy again,” he tells me.
“You know, Christian, I was really apprehensive about going on another date with you. I almost called to cancel.”
“So this was a date?” he asks with a wink. Before I can say anything, he says, “I’m just kidding.”
“Anyway,” I continue, “this has been a really wonderful evening. We have so much in common. We both like doing the same things. We like the same movies, the same music; everything you’ve ordered—the sea bass, the shrimp, the drinks—is just what I would have ordered. It’s eerie really.”
“I was thinking the same thing,” he says.
We sit for a few minutes, listening to the waves and watching a couple backing their truck down to the water, when he asks, “Can I ask you another personal question?”
I laugh, “I don’t know. I think I should stop while I’m ahead.”
He takes his arm off the bench and puts it on my shoulder. In a very soft voice, he says, “Would you mind if I kiss you?”
This is the last thing I was expecting. It’s been a while since I kissed a man. The fact he’d ask is exciting. I feel my heart beating faster and my adrenaline rise. I pause a few seconds and say, “I’d like that.”
He reaches out, and touches my face like he’s touching a breakable doll. He leans closer, closes his eyes, and pulls my face to his. We touch lips and hold it there for only a second. Just about the time I close my eyes he pulls back again.
“There, that wasn’t so terrible,” he says, letting go of my face.
“No, that wasn’t so terrible at all,” I answer with a smile.
He leans closer and kisses me again. This time he opens his mouth to receive my waiting tongue. He holds my face and kisses me with such intensity that it sends my blood pulsing through my body. There’s no one watching, so our kiss lasts forever but it ends way too soon. After we stop, I take a deep breath to regain my composure. I take my thumb and gently wipe my red lipstick off his lips.
“So much for just being friends,” I say, looking into his eyes.
“Well, we can still be friends,” he laughs, “but we don’t have to be ‘just friends’.”
“Somehow, I knew we couldn’t be just friends,” I tell him.
He laughs again, and moves my hair out of my eyes. “You could’ve fooled me.”
“Seriously, everything I told you is true. I’ve kinda given up on dating. I’ve had my heart broke, and I’m still not sure I’ve gotten over it.” I stop talking for a moment when my eyes tear up, and my voice starts cracking.
“I understand,” he says reaching out and pulling me close. “I didn’t mean to bring up your marriage again.”
“No, not my marriage,” I let him know. When I feel like I can talk again without crying, I continue. “It was someone else. You know, Christian, I just don’t want to be hurt again.”
He looks down, and says, “I don’t think it’s you who’s gonna be hurt here.”
“It’s getting late. I really need to be going,” I tell him.
When I try to stand, he holds my arm so I sit back down. “Listen, Faith, I’m going back to New York for a week or so. I’d like to get together again when I return.”
I close my eyes, nod my head, and say, “I’d like that.”
He leans forward, gives me another kiss, and then takes my hand to help me up from the bench. When we get to his car, he lets go of my hand, holds my face in both hands, and gives me another kiss. His looks, his charm, and his sincerity melt my defenses.
“God help me,” goes through my mind as we drive away.
The evening couldn’t have been more perfect. Driving back, my all-time favorite song, Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing, is playing in his car. Back at my office, he gives me another quick kiss goodbye.
By the time I get home, I’m exhausted. I change into my nightgown and wash my face. I’m just about to climb into bed when I hear a text message come in on my phone.
Christian
-----------------------------------------------------------
Today: 12:34 a.m.
I’ve had the time of my life.
Same here. Sweet dreams.
Today, 7:02 p.m.
Sleep well pretty lady
– CHAPTER 32 –
For some reason, the next weeks seem a little brighter. I still go to work every day, I still come home to housework and busy kids, and I still have more bills than I have money to pay, but something has changed. Maybe it’s just dating someone new. Christian calls from New York from time to time to see how I’m doing. He always has such a wonderful outlook on life. Sometimes we often talk for over an hour. I keep reminding myself to take it slow. I tend to come on too strong, and throw caution to the wind, only to be disappointed later. Maybe I scare men away. I’ve got to stop making these same mistakes over and over again.
The further I get away from God, the more my life seems to spin out of control so I get back into church. I volunteer to help in the nursery while my kids are in Sunday school. It allows me to care for babies again, which I definitely miss. I also buy a daily prayer devotional, and spend a little time in prayer each night after the kids go to bed. It helps keep me grounded.
Even things with Ryan and I are also starting to improve. For five years, all he did was tell me how I’m messing up everyone’s lives. He swore God would punish me for the divorce and for taking his kids away. All we did was argue. He’d threatened to take me back to court. The thought of it terrified me. Now I see a big change. Our exchanges occur without the usual digs I’ve come to expect. It seems too good to be true. He even texts me one Monday morning after dropping the kids off at school.
Ryan
-----------------------------------------------------------
Today: 7:37 a.m. .
Hey. Hope you’re doing okay. Just dropped Grace off at school. Her lunch acct was empty so I added $50. Have a good day.
Hope you’re doing okay? Have a good day? Ever since our custody trial, I’m pretty sure all he’s wanted is for me to get hit by a bus or develop some terminal disease. Now he’s hoping I’m okay and wishing me a good day? What gives? This isn’t the first time one of the kids’ lunch accounts has been in the negative. He refuses to pay for school lunches, buy school supplies, or pay for any activities because “That’s what the child support is for.” Now he’s put money into their lunch account without complaining? It’s just too hard to believe. There’s only one explanation. I told my church prayer partners how difficult Ryan was during our marriage and how, despite my best efforts, we just couldn’t make things work. We’ve been praying God will bring peace and healing, and break the devil’s chains that bind me. They’ve been convinced God will deliver a miracle if I will just believe. This, however, is beyond anything I could hope for. God really is good!
It’s also possible that Ryan has fallen in love and he’s getting over me. The kids finally met his girlfriend. I see her when I go to Colt’s baseball games. She’s young, pretty, and full of energy. She wears cute little clothes that fit her figure like they were made for her. I’m sure Ryan bought them. She hangs out at the fence the whole time he’s coaching and brings him water or whatever he needs. It’s really pathetic. She stays so close to him as if to tell me loud and clear that he’s now taken. She looks at me like Ryan told her a lot of lies about our marriage. I never speak to her because I have nothing to say.
It’s obvious to everyone that she’s way too young for Ryan. She has this little boy that both my girls dote on like he’s their little brother. His name is Timmy or Benny or some silly name. They walk him around the park, play with him on the swings, and bring him to the concession stands. Ryan gives them money to get whatever they want. Ryan picks him up just like he picks up his own kids. Obviously, this little boy really takes to Ryan. The three of them stand together like they’re a family now.
I’m surprised they’ve lasted so long. From the outside, he looks perfect. He’s good-looking, he’s a lawyer, he has a good sense of humor, and he loves kids. Yes, they post lots of great Facebook photos, but I know better. One day, she’ll see the Ryan I know and run for her life.
Ryan may look like he’s into this girl but I know better. One day, after dropping off the kids, he asked if we can talk and then said, “Faith, we were together for a long time.”
This is not what I was expecting. “Oh my God,” I say turning away.
He puts his hand on the door to keep me from closing it. Almost begging, he says, “Hold on a second, Faith. Just listen to me.”
When I turn back to him, he takes a deep breath like he’s having a difficult time finding the right words. After a moment, he continues: “All I’m saying is that sometimes things get out of control and go past the point of no return.”
“Things got out of control a long time ago,” I assure him, shaking my head.
“Faith, I’m not trying to argue with you.”
I put my hand on my forehead, shake my head, and say, “Ryan, I’m so tired of all this. I can’t do it.”
“Faith, please listen—”
“No Ryan,” I interrupt. “I’m in love with someone else. You and I are never getting back together again. Do you understand? Never!”
“Faith, I’m not trying to get—” he begins.
“I don’t care what you’re trying. We’re done!”
“If you’ll just listen to me.”
“Ryan, I don’t care,” I say as firmly as possible. “It’s not going to happen.”
Suddenly the conversation takes a turn – Ryan’s tone changes. “Faith, you run around here and there with one gay after another. How many times have I come to your house to pick up the kids and no one is there? I have to track you down or can’t find you at all. Faith, I know you leave the kids at home all alone.”
This takes me back to the days of our marriage. Back when he’d argue about everything. “It’s none of your business,” I shout. “How many times do I have to tell you – my life is none of your business.”
“These kids are my business,” he shouts back.
“Whatever,” I say regaining my cool.
“Keep on Faith,” he warns with the same “Ryan” look I’ve seen more times than I can count. “If you keep pushing me –”
Ryan stops but I know exactly where he’s going with this. This isn’t the first time he’s threatened to take me back to court. The truth is, I’m so afraid one day I’ll answer the door and be served with custody papers. It’s my greatest fear. For now, all I can do is slam the door between us and end this ridiculous conversation.
– CHAPTER 33 –
I’ve been so busy with my kids, church, and Christian that I haven’t talked to Sharon in months other than a few texts here and there. She knows I’m dating Christian but not much more. The kids are gone to their father’s house for the weekend, and Christian’s out of town so I ask her if she’d like to meet and catch up. I can no longer afford happy hours at a fancy restaurant, so I go to her house with two bottles of wine, crackers, and cheese. As soon as she opens the door, she hugs me and says, “Hey girl, how you been?”
“I’ve been really good,” I answer.
“Really good? Really good?” she repeats. “Who are you, and where is Faith?”
I laugh, point to myself, and say, “I’m here … I’m me.”
“Stay right here,” she tells me and hurries off to her bedroom. She returns with a freshly rolled joint. “Do tell,” she says, holding the joint with a smile.
I shake my head, hold up my hand, and say, “I can’t. I’ve really been looking at my life lately, and I don’t like where it’s been going. I’m trying to get right with God.”
“Come on?” she questions. “It’s you and me here.”
“I’m serious, Sharon. Look at us. Somehow we got so off track.”
She puts the joint away, and asks, “So talk … What’s all this God stuff?”
“I got back into church. I work in the nursery now. I got in a prayer group. We’ve been praying and I think it really works. I can see a difference lately. God is really at work in my life.”
“Really?” she asks.
I tell her about Christian, how he has a faith similar to mine. “He never stops surprising me,” I begin. “He’s delivered flowers, balloons, and candy to my work. He gave me the sweetest card. It’s more than just fuzzy feelings. He likes the food I like, listens to the same music I listen to, and he likes doing the same things I enjoy doing. He even likes to dance. Usually, when I go to a movie with a guy, we end up watching some horror movie, a stupid comedy, or a shoot-em-up movie. Christian likes the same movies I like to watch. You know, a few weeks ago he asked me to go to New York with him but I couldn’t go.”
“Why not?” she asks, confused.
“I had the kids.”
“So what!” she shrugs. “Give the kids to Ryan for a few more days.”
“Sharon, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of leaving my kids so I can go out.”
“How is he in bed?” she asks.
“You know, we haven’t had sex.”
“Is he gay or something?” she asks as she finishes her glass of wine.
I laugh, and almost spit my wine everywhere. “He’s not gay. That’s definitely not a problem. It’s not him. I’m tired of relationships based on sex. Been there, done that.”
“How do you do it?” she asks. “I can’t go that long without sex.”
“That’s what I thought too but I pray about it. You get used to it after a while.”
“I don’t want to get used to it,” she says. “God or no God, I’ve got to have sex.”
We both laugh. It’s been a long time since we got together and just talked. Everyone needs one friend who’ll always be there no matter what happens in life. I know Sharon is there for me if I ever need her.
“How’s things with Ryan,” she asks. “Is he still being an asshole?”
“It’s weird. Even things with him have calmed down.”
“Well, that is a miracle,” she laughs. “Hallelujah!”
“For years all I’ve heard is what a terrible wife and a terrible mom I am. Now he acts like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t ask me what I’m doing … where I’m going … nothing.”
“Good,” she says. “Maybe he finally got it through his thick head that it’s over.”
“Maybe … maybe not,” I say. “I think he’s in love. I see his little girlfriend at the ball games walking around in her tiny shorts and spaghetti string tops. She hangs all over him in front of me as if I want him back or something.”
“She’ll learn. He can’t play the good guy forever,” Sharon says.
“I’m sure she’s just there for his money,” I say, half-joking. “He probably bought her a boob job. No woman has a body that perfect.”
&n
bsp; “I told you to make him pay for yours before you left. That’s what I did. Maybe you’d still have a little money left from your divorce.”
“He might be dumb but he’s not that dumb,” I laugh.
I finish my glass of wine, and continue. “She’s got this little boy. He’s so cute but what the hell is Ryan doing raising another kid? He’s got three. The girls act like he’s their little brother. I tell them he’ll never be their brother.”
“It’s a bunch of shit,” Sharon says. “For years he makes your life hell. Now he gets to act like it never happened?”
“It really doesn’t matter now,” I tell her. “I’m tired of fighting. I’ve gotten too far away from God, and I’m trying to get back. I really think God is answering my prayers.”
“Wow!” she says. “Maybe I should give it a try. I can use some miracles in my life.”
I knock three times on the table, and say, “I don’t know. I think God is looking out for me. I just don’t want to screw it up.”
Saying these words reminds me of the angel in the park. So many years, so many men, so many mistakes, and here I am. After a long pause, I continue. “You know Sharon, I’m not sure I even know who I am anymore. There have been so many twists and turns along the way. It was once so simple. I was a wife and a mom. I think I lost myself somewhere. I’m trying to find myself again.”
– CHAPTER 34 –
When I was with Ryan, so much of our life centered on him. I was the beautiful wife who was always at his side. When he got home from work, he’d ask how my day was but I rarely had anything new to say. I made breakfast, cleaned the house, washed clothes, read baby books, and bathed the kids. The highlight of my day was when the kids got home from school and Ryan got home from work. The kids and I always rushed to the door to be the first to greet him after a long day at work. Our whole world revolved around him.
The Killing of Faith: A Suspense Thriller You Won't Soon Forget. (The Killing of Faith Series Book 1) Page 17
