by TJ Klune
He winced. “We made mistakes. All of us. It doesn’t make it right. It caught us off guard, and given all that we’d been through, it… I don’t know. We trusted people we shouldn’t have before.”
“And you thought I was the same as them,” I said dully.
He was frustrated. I could see it on his face, could smell it in his scent. His hands curled into fists. “I….”
I shook my head and forced a smile. “It’s okay. I don’t know that I would have thought any different had it been someone else.” I frowned. “And I mean that. I really don’t know what I would have thought.”
He sat back against the booth. “It’s not okay, Robbie. And we should have known better.”
“But….”
“But we were hurting,” he admitted. “And we put blame on people who didn’t deserve it. I know you don’t remember, but my father knew Osmond for a long time. He wasn’t great, but we thought we could trust him. And then Pappas after you. It turned out he knew far more than he was telling us. In the end, before he turned, he tried to make amends. But by then it was already too late. He was the one who bit Mark and spread the infection to him.”
“And Carter?”
Kelly’s mouth thinned into a white line. “When we were kids, Carter hated the idea of someone being hurt. He’s very protective that way. It was worse when he was shifted, because he would always try to lick everyone’s wounds to clean them.”
“Instinct.”
Kelly shrugged. “Maybe. And it’s something he never grew out of. He was there when Mark was bitten. He tried to clean the wound. It spread to him.”
“How do they fight it?” I asked. “How are they not completely insane by now?”
“Ox,” Kelly said.
“Because he’s different. That’s what you said.”
“He is. I think my father knew that. Saw something in him the rest of us didn’t. Oh, we loved him right away. He was this shy, awkward kid. Big, but awkward. And Joe…. Joe didn’t talk for a long time before he found Ox.”
“Because someone took him,” I said without thinking. “Someone hurt him.”
Kelly looked at me sharply. “How do you know that?” His eyes widened. “Are you remembering something?”
I shook my head, and I hated the way his face crumpled. “Something Ezra—” I caught myself. I coughed. “Robert Livingstone told me.”
The skin around his eyes tightened. “What did he say?”
I was about to tell him when a terrible thought struck me, one I wished I never had to have. And it tumbled out before I could stop it. “Is that what this is all about?”
He was quiet for a moment, like he was steadying himself. “What?”
“You,” I said, and I hated myself for it. But I had to get it out there. I had to know. “The others. The pack. All of this. Is this why you finally decided to come find me? So you could figure out what I’d learned in Caswell?”
“Is that what you really think?”
“I don’t know what to think,” I said roughly. “You said it yourself. You thought I’d betrayed you. You thought I was like this Osmond or Pappas. You let me go. Carter said the pack figured out where I was eight months after I was gone. Elizabeth said I was gone for thirteen months total. That means there was five months where you just left me there. Like you—”
Abandoned me is how I meant to finish, but I couldn’t get the words out through the lump in my throat. It made me sick to my stomach. The wounded look on his face only made it worse.
He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply through his nose. “Like the only reason we decided to rescue you was because we thought you could tell us what we needed to know about Michelle Hughes and Robert Livingstone.”
“Right,” I whispered. Then, louder, “I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Oh, Rico probably didn’t like it, which is why he’s acting like he is. But if I did hurt Chris and Tanner, then why the hell aren’t they terrified of me? Why are they acting like they give two shits about me?”
He slammed his hand on the table as his eyes flashed open. The noise of the diner died around us as people looked over. People who had waved enthusiastically at me when we’d come through the diner door. People who had told me how happy they were I was finally back and asked just where had I been all this time? Their eyes had shifted side to side, and they’d whispered pack business, right? like it was some great secret.
Dominique was behind the counter, watching me like she thought I would shift right then and there and attack.
The humans in the diner didn’t know what I’d done. But she did. That much was clear.
“They act like they give a shit because they do,” Kelly said through gritted teeth. “It took them time—hell, it took all of us time—but they know what happened wasn’t your fault. You had no control over your wolf.”
“How do you know that?” I asked angrily. “Maybe I did. Maybe if I get my memories back you’ll see I’m just like Osmond. Just like Pappas. Just like Livingstone or Alpha Hughes or anyone else who wants to hurt you. Maybe there was no magic at all and I did what I did because I wanted to.” I was panting by the time I finished, my throat raw.
“You weren’t,” Kelly said. “You aren’t. You’re not like them. You never have been. And you never could be.”
I laughed bitterly. “Sure, you can say that. But how do I know it? I don’t even know who I am.”
“He didn’t take everything.”
“He took enough.”
Silence fell over the table, awkward and heavy. I wished Kelly had never come to the garage, or even better, that I was still trapped in the basement behind a line of silver. It seemed safer down there.
Kelly said, “I knew. The moment I saw you standing on the porch when we came back from hunting Richard Collins. I knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That you were my mate.”
I hung my head.
“Mom always told me when it happened, I would know. She couldn’t explain how exactly, but she said it would be like this light. In my head and chest. The clouds would part and there would only be sun where there’d once been shadow.”
I blinked rapidly against the sting in my eyes.
He shifted in his seat. “And I guess it was like that. But I wasn’t in a position to do anything about it. I was different than I was before I left with my brothers and Gordo. Harder. Less trusting. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want you. I was too focused on trying to keep my family alive. I didn’t trust you, especially given all we’d been through. I told myself that I was pissed off about it because you were a stranger and you’d carved yourself a home in the hole we created when we left. It took me a long time to realize I was jealous too.”
I looked back up at him. “You were?”
He shrugged. “A little. I didn’t know what to make of you. You were always… there. There was this one day before the hunters came and tried to take over the town. It was just you and me. We were in the kitchen, and you said something that made me laugh. It took me a moment to realize I was the only one laughing, and when I stopped, you were staring at me like it was the first time you were seeing me. After that, you always found some reason to stand near me.”
“Wow,” I muttered. “So smooth. I don’t know how you were able to resist.”
His lips twitched. “I don’t know either. It was weird. Good weird, but weird all the same. And I didn’t know if I wanted to do anything about it. I knew who I was, and I knew who you were, and I didn’t know how to make it work or even if I wanted to.”
“The whole ace thing?”
He snorted. “Yes, Robbie. That was part of it.”
I hesitated. “I didn’t… force you?”
He shook his head. “No. Never.”
“Oh. That’s good.”
“It is.” He leaned forward, resting his hands on the table again. It wouldn’t take much for me to reach over and take his hand. I didn’t. “I know you can’t remember, and that’s not your fau
lt. But you can’t blame us for remembering. That’s not something we can control. We shouldn’t have done what we did. Or what we didn’t do. We should have believed in you more.”
“Why didn’t you?” I asked, needing to hear it from him. “If we were together, why didn’t you trust me? Why didn’t you do everything you could to get me back? I may not remember what we had, but I know I would do everything I could to get to someone I cared about. Nothing would have stopped me.”
He was at a loss for words.
I nodded. That was all the answer I needed.
Then, “I did.”
“What?”
“I did,” he repeated. “Gordo and me. We looked for months. And then Ox found out what we were doing, and he helped too. It took a long time, but we spread the word through the packs we trusted. This network we have, these wolves and witches and humans who believe in the Bennett pack, they kept an eye out, ears open, for any hint. Any rumor. Any sighting. It took eight months, but then we found you. In Caswell. There was a wolf who said he’d seen you in the compound. He was visiting, and he recognized you from your picture. He said he tried to talk to you, tried dropping a couple of hints, but there was nothing.”
I couldn’t think of who this had been.
“And it hurt,” Kelly continued, “because he said you seemed happy. And I almost convinced myself that maybe what we’d thought was right, that you had betrayed us. But then I remembered something, and I knew it couldn’t be true.”
“What did you remember?”
“The way you loved me.”
It was a punch to the stomach.
“You loved me,” Kelly said softly, “without reservation. Without expecting anything in return. You loved me, and I knew that you wouldn’t stop, not unless you were forced to. And I knew then that I wouldn’t stop, no matter what it took.”
“I wish you had,” I said hoarsely.
“Why?”
“Because you’d still be a wolf. You wouldn’t be stuck like you are. And now we can’t fix you, and it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
I scoffed.
“It isn’t. We’re—goddammit. It’s not just you, okay? Aileen and Patrice are right. We’ve lost our way. But that’s not forever. We’ll find out how to fix all of this. We’ve come too far, been through too much, to have it all end like this.”
“But you’re still a human.”
“And I hate it,” he said. I started to get up, but he reached out and gripped my hand tightly. His skin was warm, his fingers thin and bony. “I feel weak and tired all the fucking time. But it brought you back to me. And I would do it again and again and again. You said you would do anything for someone you cared about. Me too. My wolf was taken from me. I can barely breathe at the loss of it. I feel like I’m cut off from everything I’ve ever known, and there are days when I think I’m losing my mind.” He swallowed thickly. “But I got you back, so it was worth it.”
He turned his hand over, his fingers grazing against my wrist. His pulse fluttered just underneath his skin.
“Chris and Tanner have had time,” he said. “They’ve come to terms. And once they knew where you were, we had to stop them, physically stop them, from going across the country and storming the compound and killing everyone who stood between you and them. Jessie too. Rico…. It’ll take time, but I know he’ll come around. You’re home, Robbie. At last.”
I held on to him with all my might. I thought he would bruise, but he didn’t try to pull away. “What do we do now?”
He cocked his head. “Now? We try again. Maybe things won’t be the same, but you’re still you. Deep inside. You’re still the Robbie I know. And even if things don’t work out between us, even if we never get back to where we were, it’ll be okay because I’ll have you here. And that’s the most important thing.” He shrugged. “Who knows, maybe you’ll want to find someone else to—”
I shook my head furiously. “No. I don’t—that’s not what I want. I don’t want that. I want….”
I wanted a pack who loved me.
Who trusted me.
Who never wanted to let me go.
Who missed me when I was gone.
Who thought about me and smiled.
I wanted a home.
He watched me as I struggled to put into words this overwhelming desire, this thing within me that I had dreamed about for as long as I could remember. I’d had it once. I wanted it again more than anything.
He said, “Then we start again. We take it one day at a time, and we start again.”
“How?” I asked helplessly.
He pulled his hand away, and I bit back a protest at the loss.
I was bewildered when he held it out to me. “Kelly Bennett.”
I stared at it. And him.
He wiggled his fingers.
I took his hand carefully. He was breakable. He was soft. I didn’t remember him, but I wished I did, because I thought maybe he could be everything. He was a summer filled with green, like so much relief.
It was preposterous. This moment. Him. All of it. But he shook my hand up and down.
“I’m Robbie Fontaine,” I managed to say, feeling stupid. “It’s nice….”
“To meet me?” He sounded amused.
I shook my head. “No. Well, yeah. But it’s just… nice.”
“I think so too,” he said, and instead of letting me go again, he kept his hand on mine on the top of the table.
“What if this doesn’t work?”
“Maybe it won’t,” he said slowly. “But that won’t be because I didn’t give it all I had. I will fight for you, Robbie. No matter what.”
I was speechless.
Dominique came then, carrying two plates. “Sorry about the wait,” she said. “You looked like you weren’t ready yet. You good now?”
“I think we are,” Kelly said, and he never looked away from me.
She leaned over, set the plates on the table. Before she stood back up, she kissed Kelly on the cheek. He grinned.
It was breathtaking.
Dominique glanced at me as she turned to leave. She stopped. She said, “We haven’t had a chance to talk. I’ve heard about you.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Is that bad?”
“Nah,” she said. “At least not about you. It was bad. For them.” She nodded at Kelly. “I came after everything. Just passing through.”
“But you stayed.”
She nodded. “Green Creek does that to you. It’s not like anywhere else I’ve been.”
“And Jessie’s here,” Kelly teased her.
“She is,” Dominique agreed. “Probably more than I deserve once we figure things out, but she’s foolish and doesn’t see it.” She looked at me pointedly. “I’m not one for pack. Always been a bit of a loner. But it’s good having one so close. It takes the edge off, especially with Ox. Got me this job and everything. Said I could make something of myself. I figured why the hell not. I didn’t have anything else to lose. It stuck.” She patted Kelly on the shoulder before she turned away.
I watched her leave. “Jessie, huh? I thought she and Ox were… whatever, at one point.”
Kelly snorted. “Sexual fluidity is a thing that exists. You lost your virginity to a woman.”
I blinked in surprise. “How did you—oh. Right. What about you?” I balked, horrified. “Oh my god, ignore me. What the hell is wrong with me?”
He laughed until I thought he would pass out. I wanted to hear that sound for as long as I could. For a moment it was like this was a first date, like we were relative strangers just getting to know each other. Like we had all the time in the world.
We didn’t, but I could pretend. Because there was a man like sunshine sitting across from me, acting like there was no place he’d rather be than here with me.
Everything would come to a head at some point, and I thought it would be soon.
For now, though, Kelly Bennett was looking at me with such a spark in
his eyes that I could barely function.
I said, “So, a cop, huh?”
And he said, “Yeah. A cop. It’s not bad. I actually like it more than I expected to. And it helps to have one of us patrolling through town in an official capacity. Makes people here feel safe. And we can keep an eye on things.”
“The uniform,” I said, feeling my face grow hot. “It suits you.”
He grinned as he looked out the window. “Thanks, Robbie.”
And on and on it went.
fireflies
The guys gave me shit when I turned up at the garage a half hour late.
Gordo told me not to do it again.
Tanner said that was only because Gordo hated answering the phones.
Chris waggled his eyebrows.
Ox wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and I breathed him in.
Rico shook his head but didn’t speak.
It felt like enough.
* * *
That night I started back down toward the basement when Mark stopped me, his hand on my arm.
“It’s not punishment,” he said, “being down there.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“You can’t trust me. Not yet.”
He shook his head. “It’s not—come with me.”
I followed him down the stairs.
The silver was gone. Granted, no one had closed the line the night before, but still.
He knelt next to the cot and pulled my backpack out from underneath. I barely kept from grabbing it away from him. But he didn’t look inside. Instead, he handed it over.
“Let’s go.”
And then he left the basement.
The stairs creaked under him as he climbed. He paused at the top. “Robbie.”
I sighed as I followed him.
He didn’t speak as he led me through the house. Kelly and Carter were clearing the table in the kitchen. Elizabeth sat on the back porch, watching the stars come out. Ox and Joe were near, their heartbeats in sync. The others were at their own houses, and I knew Mark should have been on his way home to Gordo, but here he was, with me.
