The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World

by Haemin Sunim

  but nothing interesting to watch.

  Too many choices make people unhappy.

  Are you feeling confused or conflicted?

  Allow yourself a good night’s sleep.

  When you wake up the next day, the problem will seem lighter.

  It works, truly.

  If you would like to sleep more peacefully,

  as you lay your head on your pillow,

  think of the people whom you are grateful to,

  or the times you helped others and felt good about yourself.

  It will warm your heart, gifting you with more peaceful sleep.

  With love in our hearts,

  we find even the most mundane things sacred and beautiful.

  With love in our hearts,

  we become kinder and gentler, even to complete strangers.

  Without love in our hearts,

  we find the world meaningless and random.

  Without love in our hearts,

  we become strangers even to our family and friends.

  When we are open to others,

  we dare to be vulnerable and honest.

  When we have goodwill toward others,

  we intend to be happy and connected.

  Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say,

  “May my friends and acquaintances be loved and protected!”

  With those words, you, too, will feel loved and protected.

  When we are comfortable with ourselves

  and have accepted ourselves wholly,

  others will find us approachable

  and will like us for who we are.

  I wish you could see my true nature.

  Beyond my body and labels,

  there is a river of tenderness and vulnerability.

  Beyond stereotypes and assumptions,

  there is a valley of openness and authenticity.

  Beyond memory and ego,

  there is an ocean of awareness and compassion.

  The wise do not fight the world.

  In the most relaxed and playful manner,

  they simply embody the truth that they are one with it.

  When Life Disappoints, Rest a Moment

  When trust is shattered, when hopes are dashed, when a loved one leaves you, before doing anything, just pause your life and rest a moment.

  If you can, surround yourself with close friends and share food and drink while slowly letting out the bottled-up stories of betrayal, disappointment, and hurt.

  Head to a movie theater, alone or with your best friend. Pick the silliest movie, even if you normally don’t watch comedies, and laugh out loud until it hurts, and shed a few tears, as if nobody is looking, like a carefree teenager.

  Find a song that speaks to your heart. Play it over and over, and sing along to it over and over, as though you are doing it for all the wounded souls.

  If none of that helps, use your vacation days to take a trip. Go somewhere you’ve always said you wanted to go—the Grand Canyon, the Camino de Santiago, Machu Picchu.

  All by yourself. Just you and the road.

  After spending time alone, go to your own sacred place. Close your eyes and clear your mind.

  Even if you are not that spiritual, invoke the heart of compassion and feel the embrace of acceptance.

  Downcast and heartbroken, I know you were once me and I was once you.

  So today, I pray for you.

  Love yourself despite your imperfections.

  Do you not feel compassion for yourself as you struggle through life?

  You are so eager to help your friends, but you treat yourself so poorly.

  Stroke your heart once in a while and tell yourself, “I love you.”

  On a piece of paper, write down everything that stresses you out.

  List everything you ought to do, including minor things—

  watering plants, replying to e-mails.

  The stresses are now contained on a piece of paper, away from your mind.

  So, relax tonight.

  Tell yourself you will go through the list tomorrow,

  item by item, starting with the easiest.

  When you open your eyes the next morning,

  your mind and body will be ready.

  I can guarantee that.

  Don’t give up in the face of criticism.

  Learn to brush aside what people who don’t know you have to say.

  Having critics means what you’re doing is getting people’s attention.

  Have courage, and continue down the path you’re on.

  Life teaches us through our mistakes.

  When you make a mistake,

  simply ask yourself what you were meant to learn from it.

  When we accept such lessons with humility and gratitude,

  we grow that much more.

  To be happy, it’s not necessary to expend great effort so we get somewhere else.

  Instead, relax into the present moment while finding humor in your life.

  With humor, life becomes light and leisurely.

  And laughter always brings people to experience openness and joy.

  Humor opens closed hearts.

  Humor can free us from the grip of our thoughts.

  When we smile, we feel we can accept things we previously could not.

  We feel we can forgive those who have wronged us.

  Humor is an essential part of life.

  When we are joyful, our heart opens up to new things.

  When we are in a bad mood, we can’t be open to new things,

  no matter how wonderful they are.

  Without joy in our heart,

  our progress in life is slow and uninteresting.

  Those who work in a playful, relaxed manner

  tend to work efficiently and creatively.

  Those who work nonstop, driven only by stress,

  work without joy.

  To keep doing your work for a long time,

  do not treat it as just work.

  View it as a source of enjoyment and growth.

  The road to happiness lies not just in finding a good job,

  but also in learning to enjoy what you are asked to do.

  Do you feel unsettled or depressed?

  Then look at a child’s sleeping face for one minute.

  You will soon feel ripples of peace.

  A family takes a walk amid fallen autumn leaves.

  Dad lifts up his five-year-old son,

  and the boy showers him with kisses.

  Mom watches with a smile on her face.

  If we take time to look around,

  we see ourselves surrounded by lovely moments.

  Would you like to make your child happy?

  Then get off work a little early today.

  Wait for your child in front of school.

  Horse around together on the playground.

  Let your child choose where to go for dinner.

  And shower your child with your loving attention.

  On your way home, pick up ice cream for the family.

  Your child will remember this day forever.

  Before your children are all grown,

  travel as frequently as you can as a family.

  Although we see our family every day,

  we don’t really get to be with one another.

  A change in environment can do wonders

  and can bring families closer.

  A good family trip can prevent divorce.

  What makes music beautiful is

  the distance between one note and another.

  What makes speech eloquent is

  the appropriate pause between words.

  From time to time we
should take a breath

  and notice the silence between sounds.

  When you have to make an important decision,

  don’t lose sleep over it.

  Just take the special medicine called “time” and wait.

  Your subconscious will search for the answer.

  Two days later, or three,

  the answer will dawn on you

  as you are waking up, taking a shower, or talking to a friend.

  Put faith in your subconscious mind and give yourself time.

  If something goes wrong,

  we often turn inward and blame ourselves.

  But is it really our fault?

  For example, if I were James Taylor

  and someone were looking for Pavarotti,

  then naturally I wouldn’t be chosen.

  But this does not mean I lack musical talent.

  It means only that I am not the right match.

  So be more confident, and please stop beating yourself up.

  Even if you are having just a bowl of cereal for dinner,

  eat it with the loving attitude of nourishing yourself.

  Isn’t it tiring to constantly have to care for your body?

  Pat yourself on the back for the hard work you are doing.

  Then go to bed one hour earlier

  as a gift to your body.

  Do you have something on your mind?

  Then take a walk in the sun.

  Under the warmth of the sun,

  your brain will release serotonin, which calms the mind.

  If you let your mind linger on the question

  without trying too hard to find the solution,

  an answer will emerge on its own.

  If you keep hoping to be comforted by others,

  you can feel weighed down by that need.

  If you have a constant need to be heard,

  nobody can meet that need to your complete satisfaction.

  Rather than always seeking comfort from others,

  offer your comfort and listen to others.

  In the process of helping,

  you will be healed.

  Instead of a lottery ticket,

  buy some flowers for yourself and your family.

  If you buy flowers and place them in the living room,

  you will feel like a winner every time

  and find abundant beauty

  whenever you pass by the living room.

  Has something disappointed you?

  Has something made you sad?

  It’s the school of life trying to teach you an important lesson.

  When you feel ready, take the time to understand the lesson.

  The world will keep turning even without you.

  Let go of the idea that your way is the only way,

  that you are the only one who can make it happen.

  The more grateful we feel, the happier we become.

  This is because gratitude helps us realize we are all connected.

  Nobody feels like an island when feeling grateful.

  Gratitude awakens us to the truth of our interdependent nature.

  If you genuinely care for others and look for ways to help others succeed,

  you won’t need to look for ways to boost your mood.

  A selfless and kind act will lift your spirit and self-worth.

  If you are having a bad day, see if you can find a way to help someone else.

  Even a small gesture of help will make you feel better.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Mindfulness

  Befriend Your Emotions

  EVER SINCE I became active on Twitter and Facebook, people have been sending me messages asking for my advice. The most frequently asked question is how to deal with strong negative emotions, such as anger, hatred, and jealousy.

  The good news is that those raising this question are already halfway there. The fact that they are asking the question indicates that they are mindful enough to notice the negative state of their own mind, which is not an easy thing to do. Most people are completely absorbed in their emotions and have limited self-awareness. The people who have asked me this question noticed what was happening in their minds as they were being swept into a whirlwind of negative emotions, slowed down, and then sent me a message. When people sense a negative emotion coming on, their first impulse is to control it so that they do not feel overwhelmed or threatened by it. If they can, they would like to get rid of it immediately or flee from it; they rarely think it merits deeper understanding. This is probably why people use such expressions as “managing anger” or “overcoming hatred” instead of “befriending your emotion.”

  It is difficult to quickly control a strong negative emotion; the more we try to control it, the more it becomes agitated and resurfaces. Even if we control it, we may end up merely suppressing it, only for it to reemerge later. Imagine that a strong negative emotion is like mud swirling inside a fish tank. To get the mud to sink to the bottom of the tank so you can have a clear view of the fish, the last thing you want to do is submerge your hands in the muddy water and try to push the mud to the bottom. The more you try to push it down, the more you churn it up. Similarly, in an attempt to control a negative emotion, you may try to push it down. Unfortunately, the harder you try, the more it resurfaces.

  So what should we do? How can we better understand our negative emotions and try to resolve them instead of suppressing them? The answer is fairly simple. All we have to do is separate the raw energy of negative emotions from linguistic labels like “anger” or “hatred” and then witness it calmly until the energy morphs into something else. What is important here is not to get attached to words like “anger,” “hatred,” and “jealousy,” and instead to witness the raw energy behind the labels. Although it may be subtle, the energy constantly changes while the label remains static. If you peel the label off and get in touch with the raw energy, you soon realize that the negative emotion is only temporary, one that changes without your efforts. Therefore, much like a mirror reflects what is before it without judgment or identification with the image, simply reflect the negative emotion—let’s say it’s anger—and watch dispassionately. You will see the anger slowly changing shape, either revealing a deeper layer of emotion or disappearing on its own. If another layer of emotion is revealing itself, attend to it the way you did with your anger.

  When you try to understand something, it’s often most effective to set aside your preconceptions and observe it quietly so that the object of your examination reveals what needs to be understood. Instead of diving into the muddy water of your emotion as a way to conquer it, you should observe it from the outside and let it settle down and transform on its own. As the spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti said, pure attention without judgment is not only the highest form of human intelligence, but also the expression of love. Observe the changing energy both attentively and lovingly as it unfolds in the space of your mind.

  I can imagine someone wondering, “What is so great about just observing? Isn’t it avoiding reality?” The answer is quite the opposite: You are not avoiding it; you are actually staring straight into it. Rather than getting caught in the emotion without any self-awareness, you are inquiring and then feeling what is there. As you get better at it, you will realize that the negative emotion is not a fixed reality. It naturally emerges and retreats within the space of your awareness, regardless of your will. Once you awaken to this truth, you will not be swayed by negative emotions and can regard them as a passing cloud instead of identifying with them as a defining part of your self. Do not fight your negative emotions. Observe and befriend them.

  If you want revenge because your feelings are hurt,

  all you can see is your own suffering.

  But if you calm yourself and look more deeply,

&nbs
p; you will see that the person who hurt you is suffering, too.

  In the chambers of our heart,

  we have two tenants living side by side:

  Adolf Hitler and Mother Teresa.

  When we are overcome by insecurity and fear,

  we feel the inner workings of Hitler.

  When we are in touch with love and connection,

  we hear the gentle voice of Mother Teresa.

  We lose interest in movies or TV series

  in which good characters are always good and bad ones are always bad.

  This does not match up to reality.

  No person is always good or bad.

  “No person can be found

  Who has been, is, or will be

  Only criticized

  Or only praised.”

  —THE DHAMMAPADA*

  A moral purist who is quick to judge others

  often fails to see the flaws within himself.

  When someone criticizes another,

  you might think he deserves it.

  But if you look more closely,

  you’ll see that the critic is complaining because he did not get his way.

  So do not be so easily swayed.

  When you attack someone,

  it is often because you are afraid.

  A friend starts talking ill of someone you don’t like,

  and you agree wholeheartedly.

  But then you can’t help but wonder,

  “When I’m not around, does she speak ill of me too?”

  Gossip can be cathartic in the moment,

  but it travels fast and can bite you back.

  The reason you regard me as pure and compassionate

  is that you are pure and compassionate yourself.

  When people who don’t know you well admire you,