“So?” Travis answered. “Did Moses know what he was getting himself into when he saw the burning bush? Did the disciples know what they were getting themselves into when they started following Jesus? Or, more appropriately, did Adam know what he was getting himself into when he took a bite of Eve’s apple? No. But Adam didn’t leave Eve after he ate the apple. And Moses still went back to Egypt, knowing he could be charged with the murder of a guard and put to death. And the disciples still spread the word of Christ, knowing their lives would be in danger for as long as they walked the earth. Why? Because it was the right thing to do in life. They did it because it was right and it honored God.
“Do you understand how comforting it was that it honored God that I didn’t leave my girls when they needed me most? That I wasn’t some sort of idiot for staying with Lexi? That I had served a higher purpose in life by staying and dealing with Lexi, and protecting my children? That I wasn’t alone in my situation? Another man would’ve beaten Lexi, most every man would’ve abandoned my girls, and few would’ve blamed the men for their actions. But God knew I could handle the situation, and I thank God that He put me in that position and not someone else who would’ve struggled.
“My favorite passages from the Bible are:
Ephesians 5:25: ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her’
1 Peter 3:7: ‘Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.’
Mark 10:9: ‘Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’
Proverbs 3:3-4: ‘Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.’
Proverbs 31:10: ‘A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.’
Proverbs 30:18-19: ‘“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.’”
“I can’t tell you how great it was to learn in the Bible that I wasn’t alone in my struggles, that many guys had struggled before me, and my struggles were minor compared to some of them. My struggles now had meaning and were respected, by no other than Almighty God. I no longer felt alone. I felt like a man with a purpose.”
Ready for another round, Travis signaled Mac with an outstretched arm.
“I never realized, Travis,” Ava confessed. “I knew you loved God, and you loved me, but I never realized how much God had helped you in life, and how much you needed God. I was just a child who saw a gifted golfer who had it all. I never realized how much you struggled. You hid it well.”
“God has a plan for everyone, Ava, but sometimes His plan is hard to understand. The key is not fighting His plan, but trying to recognize it as you go through life. Sometimes you can’t see how God is working in your life, especially in hard times, but you realize years later what God was doing. See, God can give you struggles, other times blessings, but at the time He gives them to you, it can be hard to tell the difference between the two. I’ve found most of my struggles in life have ended up being my greatest blessings, but I definitely didn’t recognize it at the time when God gave them to me.
“You were one of my greatest blessings from God, Ava, and I recognized that it was my job to take care of you. You were exactly what I needed on that day, and I was exactly what you needed to help you before you went to college. We were just lucky to let God work in us and that we recognized that we needed each other. We both needed each other, even if we didn’t know it at the time.”
Smiling, Travis stared at Ava now, fond memories racing through his mind. Then, just as quickly, he became melancholic, glaring into the distance, his mind drifting off into a darker world. Trying to snap himself back, Travis, a little tipsy, stood, looked up and raised his drink high in the air.
“All I know is God has a terrific sense of humor, but a horrible sense of timing,” Travis said, laughed to himself, then fell back down into the booth seat. “But I love Him dearly, and I am truly blessed. So I tried to be the best husband that I could from that point on.”
“Wait,” Ava said. “You found God and decided to become a better husband?”
“Lexi was my wife,” Travis said. “God wanted me to treat her like a queen, so I decided to start treating her like a queen.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“No. I got up early the next morning and made Lexi coffee before she left at 5:30 am. I hugged her, thanked her for all she did as a provider for the kids and me, and told her to have a great day.”
“Are you crazy?” Ava asked.
“Yes, he is and was,” Mac said, reloading the drinks and disposing of the pizza boxes.
“She cheated on you daily,” Ava said. “Trapped you. Ruined all your dreams. She didn’t even wear a wedding ring. So you woke up early and made her coffee?”
“She’s got a point,” Mac blurted out as he left.
“Well, yeah. But Lexi was my wife, and I was sick of hating her. I just wanted to be friends. Plus, the Bible said to honor and cherish her, until I die.”
“Travis,” Ava mumbled, shaking her head. “Well, ok. What did Lexi say?”
“She asked what I wanted, thought I was pulling a con on her or something. After a week, she said I was acting like a pussy and to stop. But I didn’t. I made her coffee in the mornings, made her bed every day, and made sure the girls hugged her when she got home.
“On Shelby’s fourth birthday, we had a little party at the house. I bought a cake, and Shelby asked Lexi to cut it for us. Lexi cut the cake, then handed Shelby the first piece. Shelby said thank you, and I love you, Mommy. Lexi was startled, then she looked at me.
“We all love you, Lexi,” I said. “Thanks for a great birthday for Shelby.”
“We sat there eating birthday cake, like a real family, then Shelby asked Lexi when her birthday was. Lexi said she couldn’t remember. Then Charlotte asked her also, saying everybody knows what day their birthday was on.”
“Ok,” Lexi said, still rattled by all this. “My birthday. Um. My birthday is on the 21st, in three weeks. That’s my birthday, July 21st.”
“So the girls and I planned a big night. On the 21st, we got balloons, streamers, a cake, presents and everything. We waited all evening, but Lexi never showed. I told the girls that she had to work late or something, and put them to bed. I stayed up a little longer, but nothing, so I went to bed also.
“I was falling asleep, then I jumped up, scared out of my mind because I saw someone next to my bed. It was Lexi, and it was 3:00 am. She had black tearstains on her cheeks and stunk of brandy. I told her Happy Birthday and asked if she was ok.”
“Stop it,” she said. “You have no right to fuck with me like this. I don’t want your fake love or your little games. I control all of this, and I don’t even know why. It’s who I am, and it’s what I do.” She leaned forward, really pissed. “I hate my life. I just wanted to have a child and to be left alone. Why don’t you hate me? You should hate me now.”
“I don’t hate anyone, Lexi. I never have. You know that. You knew that when I married you. Plus, you’re the mother of my children. I can’t hate you.”
“Just Charlotte, you asshole. Shelby isn’t even yours. You are meaningless and a red herring, all in one. God, why can’t you understand your purpose? Grovel, grovel, grovel, gone. Why won’t you leave!”
“What’s wrong? What have I done?”
“I don’t need anyone,” Lexi said, standing up. “I can ruin you, and I don’t need the girls anymore. All your reasons for existing are done. So if you want to fuck wi
th me, I can end all this. You exist at my pleasure. This isn’t stickball and hockey sticks. This is real life, you bastard. Garbage in, garbage out. Do you understand me?”
“No. I’m sorry, I don’t. I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lexi. I think you’re drunk.”
“Do you understand me now, Daddy!” Lexi yelled, grabbing his hair.
“I almost punched her. I wanted to badly. It hurts when someone pulls your hair. But nothing good would’ve come from it, so I composed myself.”
“Sure, I understand you,” Travis answered.
“I’ll take the girls away if you make me, I don’t care,” she said, giving me a sarcastic air-kiss, then she let go of his hair and walked toward the door. “Pleasant dreams, unless I change my mind. Horror stories always end up in a house, and nobody cares. They just keep building them, bigger and bigger.” She turned and glared at me again. “Death doesn’t scare me, but you do. You better watch out. I’ll fuck you up.”
“She walked downstairs, got in her car and drove away. I have no idea where. That evening she came home like normal, acting like nothing happened.
“I never made her coffee again.”
“What did it all mean that night, Travis? What was Lexi trying to say?”
“I have no idea,” Travis said, taking a big swig from his drink. “But it definitely was the first time I noticed that Lexi was losing it.”
Chapter 10
Tough Questions
“Were you scared of Lexi?” Ava asked.
“Scared? Oh, I don’t know. I was scared that she would divorce me and I would lose my girls. I had no money to fight her with in court, all the divorce laws were against me because I was a man, and she was a lawyer. I’d be screwed in a court of law if she dumped me.”
“No, I mean did you feel like you were in danger, physically?”
“I didn’t lock my bedroom door at night, if that’s what you mean.”
“So Lexi never hit you or the girls?”
“Before her birthday party, not really. She slapped me if I screwed up or said the wrong thing, but not every night or anything. And she was never around the girls before that night. Hell, sometimes Lexi forgot her own daughters’ names.”
“How about after that night?” Ava asked.
“Lexi was more physical. The girls were afraid of her.”
“Did she hit the girls?”
“Not a lot. It was more like disciplining them. If there were toys on the ground that were no longer being played with, she spanked them. If they didn’t hear Lexi or did directions wrong, Lexi would pick them up, yell at them and shake them. If the girls laughed and Lexi didn’t know why, or worse, if she thought they were laughing at her because she was drunk or something, Lexi would slap them.”
“Why Travis? What was the change after that night?”
“Lexi was just pissed.” Travis sat back, trying to arrange his thoughts. “I think Lexi thought things at home were going to be different. She wanted chaos and misery. She wanted me to be unhappy as a caregiver and utterly dependent on her in every way. But I didn’t break, and worse, I wanted to be her friend instead of hating her.
“She wanted the girls to be a mess, but the girls were polite, well-kept, and smart for their ages. Both learned to read by age four. They were thoughtful, kind and good little Christian girls. So Lexi felt wronged, unneeded, and unappreciated.”
“I don’t understand,” Ava said.
“Welcome to my world.”
“Welcome to my world?” Ava asked, frustrated. “What does that even mean, Travis?”
“It means maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Lexi was mad at something else. Maybe she didn’t care about the girls or me. I truly had no idea, Ava. I was living with madness. Her madness and I had no idea what was going on. Nothing made sense, and I’m trying to explain that to you. I didn’t know how to make her happy or help her, and I had no power to do so. I couldn’t commit her, I couldn’t run away, and I couldn’t kill her. I had to protect my girls and survive. That was all I could do in my situation, a situation that I had entered into willingly. I asked Lexi to marry me, and now I had to face the consequences that came with such a horrible mistake. And I didn’t want to ruin my daughters’ lives because of my big mistake.”
“You thought about killing Lexi?”
“No, I was just explaining to you—,” Travis said, a little embarrassed, realizing what he had said. “Look, I was trapped, and I was just saying that it was not an option. I didn’t want to kill her, but it would’ve ended the madness. No, I never thought about killing her.” He grabbed Ava’s hand. “I never wanted to kill her. I just wanted it to end.”
Chapter 11
The Chance
“So then, out of nowhere, a week after Lexi’s birthday, Kevin asked me to play golf.”
“Play golf?” Ava asked. “Who’s Kevin?”
“The father of Anna, Charlotte’s best friend at school. On a Tuesday morning, as I was dropping the kids off at school, Kevin asked if I played golf and if I could play in a scramble with his team that morning. One of his partners had canceled the night before, and he needed a body. It was all paid for, and it was at Memorial Park.”
“No way. Memorial Park. You played, right?”
“I said that I had to pick up the girls after school so I couldn’t play, but he said his wife could pick up my girls and she would take care of them. Charlotte already had a play-date at Anna’s home before and said it was a blast, so this was a legitimate answer. I was a little worried leaving Shelby there also, she being only four years old and not having a child her age at their house. But I decided to go for it and said yes, I’d play. I raced home, changed, and found my clubs in the attic. I got to the course and had only thirty minutes to warm-up. Gently swinging so I wouldn’t get hurt after a six-year layoff, I couldn’t believe what was happening.”
“What Travis?”
“My swing was perfect,” he answered, staring right into her eyes, with a knowing smile that she had never seen before. “You see, my swing was pretty good when I stopped six years ago, but I had a fatal flaw, especially under pressure: I brought the club back too far on my backswing when I got excited or tried too hard, so I’d get stuck at the top and hit a weak fade. Under pressure, I had to intentionally stop my backswing short, which was tough to repeat. It was my biggest weakness, and I was always fighting it when a match got tense or close. It felt natural to swing hard when my adrenaline flowed, and sometimes I couldn’t resist going too far back. It kept me from being a consistent high-level golfer.
“But now, after the layoff, I was less limber on my takeaway. I think holding an infant on my right shoulder all those years lessened my range of motion, making me take the club back to my perfect swing position instead of too far, so my swing was, well, it was perfect. After twenty minutes, I was swinging a golf club better than I ever had in my life. I ran off the range, hit a few putts and couldn’t wait to hit the course.
“So you’re a 25 handicap now, huh?” a voice said out of nowhere.
“I turned, and it was my old buddy Glenn, the head pro at Memorial Park. We hugged and caught up real quick. I explained that Kevin had never played golf with me before, that I was a late addition this morning, and I had no idea that he had written me down as a 25 handicap. We both laughed, he wrote me down as a scratch, and we promised to catch up after the round.
“I played lights out that day. I can’t tell you how much fun it was: relaxing on a weekday, the smell of the grass, the feeling of hitting a golf ball, and the enjoyment of adult male company. Kevin spent the whole day getting drunk and bragging to his buddies about how he had brought me and what a genius he was. By the end of the round, everyone was playing well. We shot 17 under, and with their handicaps, we won the tournament easily. I fell in love with golf all over again. This time harder.”
“You really hadn�
��t hit a golf ball for six years?” Ava asked.
“Physically, no,” Travis answered, obviously proud. “But mentally, I had played thousands of rounds in my mind. Hell, I practiced every night in my dreams. You’d think that wouldn’t matter, but it helped immensely. Maybe it was just getting older and the natural maturity as you age, but I can’t tell you how relaxed I was on a golf course now. I hadn’t hit a golf ball in six years, but I felt like a seasoned veteran who hadn’t missed a day.
“It’s funny. I read a story a few years ago about an American POW who played golf in his mind while he was imprisoned. As a kid, he belonged to a country club and loved playing golf, so to escape his misery in captivity, he played his home course every day in his mind for hours. He literally would play different shots on different days, and hit from different tees, experimenting and working on his game in his mind to stay sane. After they rescued him and he came home safely, he played his home course and shot even par for the first time. Maybe that was like what happened to me in some way, I don’t know, but I did come back mentally stronger.”
“So we got our trophies at the awards dinner, and after, I continued to catch up with Glenn. I explained to him that it was my first round in six years, that I had a blast, but I was trapped right now with my daughters.”
“Can you escape for the Houston City Amateur in late September?” Glenn asked. “It’s almost two months away. You can train here for free. The guys really miss you, we all do, and we’d love to see you playing again. What can I do to help?”
“You’re great, Glenn. But I don’t have time for the qualifier, and it would be almost impossible to escape for a long weekend to play the Houston Amateur.”
“Don’t worry about the qualifier, I’ll take care of that,” Glenn said. “You’re in right now. And one of the boys will pay your entry fee. You just figure out a way to get off that Friday through Sunday for the tournament.”
Disappearing like the Wind Page 6
