CHAPTER XXIV
A GATHERING OF CAT-SPECIALISTS
Master Maloney raised his eyes for a moment from his book as Psmithre-entered the office.
"Dere's a guy in dere waitin' ter see youse," he said briefly,jerking his head in the direction of the inner room.
"A guy waiting to see me, Comrade Maloney? With or without asand-bag?"
"Says his name's Jackson," said Master Maloney, turning a page.
Psmith moved quickly to the door of the inner room.
"Why, Comrade Jackson," he said, with the air of a father welcominghome the prodigal son, "this is the maddest, merriest day of allthe glad New Year. Where did you come from?"
Mike, looking very brown and in excellent condition, put down thepaper he was reading.
"Hullo, Psmith," he said. "I got back this morning. We're playing agame over in Brooklyn to-morrow."
"No engagements of any importance to-day?"
"Not a thing. Why?"
"Because I propose to take you to visit Comrade Jarvis, whom youwill doubtless remember."
"Jarvis?" said Mike, puzzled. "I don't remember any Jarvis."
"Let your mind wander back a little through the jungle of the past.Do you recollect paying a visit to Comrade Windsor's room--"
"By the way, where is Windsor?"
"In prison. Well, on that evening--"
"In prison?"
"For thirty days. For slugging a policeman. More of this, however,anon. Let us return to that evening. Don't you remember a certaingentleman with just about enough forehead to keep his front hairfrom getting all tangled up with his eye-brows?"
"Oh, the cat chap? _I_ know."
"As you very justly observe, Comrade Jackson, the cat chap. Forgoing straight to the mark and seizing on the salient point of asituation, I know of no one who can last two minutes against you.Comrade Jarvis may have other sides to his character--possiblymany--but it is as a cat chap that I wish to approach him to-day."
"What's the idea? What are you going to see him for?"
"We," corrected Psmith. "I will explain all at a little luncheon atwhich I trust that you will be my guest. Already, such is thestress of this journalistic life, I hear my tissues crying outimperatively to be restored. An oyster and a glass of milksomewhere round the corner, Comrade Jackson? I think so, I thinkso."
* * *
"I was reading _Cosy Moments_ in there," said Mike, as they lunched."You certainly seem to have bucked it up rather. Kid Brady'sreminiscences are hot stuff."
"Somewhat sizzling, Comrade Jackson," admitted Psmith. "They have,however, unfortunately cost us a fighting editor."
"How's that?"
"Such is the boost we have given Comrade Brady, that he is nownever without a match. He has had to leave us to-day to go to WhitePlains to train for an encounter with a certain Mr. Wood, afour-ounce-glove juggler of established fame."
"I expect you need a fighting editor, don't you?"
"He is indispensable, Comrade Jackson, indispensable."
"No rotting. Has anybody cut up rough about the stuff you'veprinted?"
"Cut up rough? Gadzooks! I need merely say that one critical readerput a bullet through my hat--"
"Rot! Not really?"
"While others kept me tree'd on top of a roof for the space ofnearly an hour. Assuredly they have cut up rough, Comrade Jackson."
"Great Scott! Tell us."
Psmith briefly recounted the adventures of the past few weeks.
"But, man," said Mike, when he had finished "why on earth don't youcall in the police?"
"We have mentioned the matter to certain of the force. Theyappeared tolerably interested, but showed no tendency to leapexcitedly to our assistance. The New York policeman, ComradeJackson, like all great men, is somewhat peculiar. If you go to aNew York policeman and exhibit a black eye, he will examine it andexpress some admiration for the abilities of the citizenresponsible for the same. If you press the matter, he becomesbored, and says, 'Ain't youse satisfied with what youse got?G'wan!' His advice in such cases is good, and should be followed.No; since coming to this city I have developed a habit of takingcare of myself, or employing private help. That is why I shouldlike you, if you will, to come with me to call upon Comrade Jarvis.He is a person of considerable influence among that section of thepopulace which is endeavouring to smash in our occiputs. Indeed, Iknow of nobody who cuts a greater quantity of ice. If I can onlyenlist Comrade Jarvis's assistance, all will be well. If you arethrough with your refreshment, shall we be moving in his direction?By the way, it will probably be necessary in the course of ourinterview to allude to you as one of our most eminent livingcat-fanciers. You do not object? Remember that you have in yourEnglish home seventy-four fine cats, mostly Angoras. Are you on tothat? Then let us be going. Comrade Maloney has given me theaddress. It is a goodish step down on the East side. I should liketo take a taxi, but it might seem ostentatious. Let us walk."
* * *
They found Mr. Jarvis in his Groome Street fancier's shop, engagedin the intellectual occupation of greasing a cat's paws with butter.He looked up as they entered, and began to breathe a melody with acertain coyness.
"Comrade Jarvis," said Psmith, "we meet again. You remember me?"
"Nope," said Mr. Jarvis, pausing for a moment in the middle of abar, and then taking up the air where he had left off. Psmith wasnot discouraged.
"Ah," he said tolerantly, "the fierce rush of New York life. How itwipes from the retina of to-day the image impressed on it butyesterday. Are you with me, Comrade Jarvis?"
The cat-expert concentrated himself on the cat's paws withoutreplying.
"A fine animal," said Psmith, adjusting his eyeglass. "To whichparticular family of the Felis Domestica does that belong? Incolour it resembles a Neapolitan ice more than anything."
Mr. Jarvis's manner became unfriendly.
"Say, what do youse want? That's straight ain't it? If youse wantto buy a boid or a snake why don't youse say so?"
"I stand corrected," said Psmith. "I should have remembered thattime is money. I called in here partly on the strength of being acolleague and side-partner of Comrade Windsor--"
"Mr. Windsor! De gent what caught my cat?"
"The same--and partly in order that I might make two very eminentcat-fanciers acquainted. This," he said, with a wave of his handin the direction of the silently protesting Mike, "is ComradeJackson, possibly the best known of our English cat-fanciers.Comrade Jackson's stud of Angoras is celebrated wherever the King'sEnglish is spoken, and in Hoxton."
Mr. Jarvis rose, and, having inspected Mike with silent admirationfor a while, extended a well-buttered hand towards him. Psmithlooked on benevolently.
"What Comrade Jackson does not know about cats," he said, "is notknowledge. His information on Angoras alone would fill a volume."
"Say,"--Mr. Jarvis was evidently touching on a point which hadweighed deeply upon him--"why's catnip called catnip?"
Mike looked at Psmith helplessly. It sounded like a riddle, but itwas obvious that Mr. Jarvis's motive in putting the question wasnot frivolous. He really wished to know.
"The word, as Comrade Jackson was just about to observe," saidPsmith, "is a corruption of cat-mint. Why it should be so corruptedI do not know. But what of that? The subject is too deep to be gonefully into at the moment. I should recommend you to read ComradeJackson's little brochure on the matter. Passing lightly on fromthat--"
"Did youse ever have a cat dat ate beetles?" inquired Mr. Jarvis.
"There was a time when many of Comrade Jackson's felidae supportedlife almost entirely on beetles."
"Did they git thin?"
Mike felt that it was time, if he was to preserve his reputation,to assert himself.
"No," he replied firmly.
Mr. Jarvis looked astonished.
"English beetles," said Psmith, "don't make cats thin. Passinglightly--"
"I had a cat oncest," said Mr. Jarvis, ignorin
g the remark andsticking to his point, "dat ate beetles and got thin and used totie itself into knots."
"A versatile animal," agreed Psmith.
"Say," Mr. Jarvis went on, now plainly on a subject near to hisheart, "dem beetles is fierce. Sure. Can't keep de cats off ofeatin' dem, I can't. First t'ing you know dey've swallowed dem, andden dey gits thin and ties theirselves into knots."
"You should put them into strait-waistcoats," said Psmith."Passing, however, lightly--"
"Say, ever have a cross-eyed cat?"
"Comrade Jackson's cats," said Psmith, "have happily been almostfree from strabismus."
"Dey's lucky, cross-eyed cats is. You has a cross-eyed cat, andnot'in' don't never go wrong. But, say, was dere ever a cat witone blue eye and one yaller one in your bunch? Gum, it's fiercewhen it's like dat. It's a real skiddoo, is a cat wit one blue eyeand one yaller one. Puts you in bad, surest t'ing you know. Oncesta guy give me a cat like dat, and first t'ing you know I'm in badall round. It wasn't till I give him away to de cop on de cornerand gets me one dat's cross-eyed dat I lifts de skiddoo off of me."
"And what happened to the cop?" inquired Psmith, interested.
"Oh, he got in bad, sure enough," said Mr. Jarvis without emotion."One of de boys what he'd pinched and had sent to de Island oncelays for him and puts one over him wit a black-jack. Sure. Dat'swhat comes of havin' a cat wit one blue eye and one yaller one."
Mr. Jarvis relapsed into silence. He seemed to be meditating on theinscrutable workings of Fate. Psmith took advantage of the pauseto leave the cat topic and touch on matter of more vital import.
"Tense and exhilarating as is this discussion of the opticalpeculiarities of cats," he said, "there is another matter on which,if you will permit me, I should like to touch. I would hesitate tobore you with my own private troubles, but this is a matter whichconcerns Comrade Windsor as well as myself, and I know that yourregard for Comrade Windsor is almost an obsession."
"How's that?"
"I should say," said Psmith, "that Comrade Windsor is a man to whomyou give the glad hand."
"Sure. He's to the good, Mr. Windsor is. He caught me cat."
"He did. By the way, was that the one that used to tie itself intoknots?"
"Nope. Dat was anudder."
"Ah! However, to resume. The fact is, Comrade Jarvis, we are muchpersecuted by scoundrels. How sad it is in this world! We look toevery side. We look north, east, south, and west, and what do wesee? Mainly scoundrels. I fancy you have heard a little about ourtroubles before this. In fact, I gather that the same scoundrelsactually approached you with a view to engaging your services todo us in, but that you very handsomely refused the contract."
"Sure," said Mr. Jarvis, dimly comprehending.
"A guy comes to me and says he wants you and Mr. Windsor putthrough it, but I gives him de t'run down. 'Nuttin' done,' I says.'Mr. Windsor caught me cat.'"
"So I was informed," said Psmith. "Well, failing you, they went toa gentleman of the name of Reilly."
"Spider Reilly?"
"You have hit it, Comrade Jarvis. Spider Reilly, the lessee andmanager of the Three Points gang."
"Dose T'ree Points, dey're to de bad. Dey're fresh."
"It is too true, Comrade Jarvis."
"Say," went on Mr. Jarvis, waxing wrathful at the recollection,"what do youse t'ink dem fresh stiffs done de udder night. Startedsome rough woik in me own dance-joint."
"Shamrock Hall?" said Psmith.
"Dat's right. Shamrock Hall. Got gay, dey did, wit some of de TableHillers. Say, I got it in for dem gazebos, sure I have. Surestt'ing you know."
Psmith beamed approval.
"That," he said, "is the right spirit. Nothing could be moreadmirable. We are bound together by our common desire to check theever-growing spirit of freshness among the members of the ThreePoints. Add to that the fact that we are united by a sympatheticknowledge of the manners and customs of cats, and especially thatComrade Jackson, England's greatest fancier, is our mutual friend,and what more do we want? Nothing."
"Mr. Jackson's to de good," assented Mr. Jarvis, eyeing Mike infriendly fashion.
"We are all to de good," said Psmith. "Now the thing I wished toask you is this. The office of the paper on which I work was untilthis morning securely guarded by Comrade Brady, whose name will befamiliar to you."
"De Kid?"
"On the bull's-eye, as usual, Comrade Jarvis. Kid Brady, thecoming light-weight champion of the world. Well, he hasunfortunately been compelled to leave us, and the way into theoffice is consequently clear to any sand-bag specialist who caresto wander in. Matters connected with the paper have become sopoignant during the last few days that an inrush of these samespecialists is almost a certainty, unless--and this is where youcome in."
"Me?"
"Will you take Comrade Brady's place for a few days?"
"How's that?"
"Will you come in and sit in the office for the next day or so andhelp hold the fort? I may mention that there is money attached tothe job. We will pay for your services. How do we go, ComradeJarvis?"
Mr. Jarvis reflected but a brief moment.
"Why, sure," he said. "Me fer dat. When do I start?"
"Excellent, Comrade Jarvis. Nothing could be better. I am obliged.I rather fancy that the gay band of Three Pointers who willundoubtedly visit the offices of _Cosy Moments_ in the next few days,probably to-morrow, are due to run up against the surprise of theirlives. Could you be there at ten to-morrow morning?"
"Sure t'ing. I'll bring me canister."
"I should," said Psmith. "In certain circumstances one canister isworth a flood of rhetoric. Till to-morrow, then, Comrade Jarvis. Iam very much obliged to you."
* * *
"Not at all a bad hour's work," said Psmith complacently, as theyturned out of Groome Street. "A vote of thanks to you, ComradeJackson, for your invaluable assistance."
"It strikes me I didn't do much," said Mike with a grin.
"Apparently, no. In reality, yes. Your manner was exactly right.Reserved, yet not haughty. Just what an eminent cat-fancier'smanner should be. I could see that you made a pronounced hit withComrade Jarvis. By the way, if you are going to show up at theoffice to-morrow, perhaps it would be as well if you were to lookup a few facts bearing on the feline world. There is no knowingwhat thirst for information a night's rest may not give ComradeJarvis. I do not presume to dictate, but if you were to makeyourself a thorough master of the subject of catnip, for instance,it might quite possibly come in useful."
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