by R. J. Lewis
“Of course you had a choice.”
I chuckled dryly, flashing him a sardonic smile. “No, Jem, I didn’t.”
Conor was a magnet. There was no justifying the way he drew people in. He just did without trying. I had never seen that kind of power before.
I could tell Jem understood my meaning. His jaw locked, and he looked at me with what I could only describe as loathing. I couldn’t let that look go without responding to it.
“You think I’m the worst thing to ever happen to him,” I stated, knowing this already. “I ruined everything for him, and you too, didn’t I?”
They were so close to pulling off that chop shop. Jem had so much riding into it, and while Locke hadn’t seemed desperate for the money, he was just as committed.
Jem had a dark side to him that I’d seen at rare times. He wasn’t a good person in the slightest. He was every shade of wrong, and he never tried to hide it. Next to Conor he was the most honest man I’d ever encountered. Unlike Locke, who hid truths behind an impossible to read exterior, Jem laid it out there and made your place in his life known. It, too, was magnetizing.
“What am I doing here, Charlotte?” he demanded, his voice hardly above a whisper now.
“I told you, I need help.”
“I can’t help you.”
Penny began stirring. I heard her quiet whimpers on the screen and let out a tired sigh. Her teething was going to be the death of me. I stood up on tired legs and stared directly at him with all my walls down. Goddammit, I let him see me, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because it meant letting him know my weaknesses. He saw my hurt and all my ugly. And I needed compassion. I needed to know it still existed in this black town with its black beating heart.
“You were a brother to Conor,” I said, my vulnerability present. “I want you to be a brother to me too, Jem. I need your help, and it isn’t for my sake, but for Penny’s sake too. I can’t do this alone. I tried, Jem, and I’ve got nobody to lean on.”
I felt his reluctance. His spine went straight, and he looked like he wanted to run as far away from me as possible, especially when he heard Penny’s soft cries as she flipped herself around on her belly and lifted her head.
“I’ll be right back.”
I walked past him and ran up the stairs. I knew he would flee the second I disappeared. I entered Penny’s room and picked her up. She clung to me, digging her fingers into my chest as her mouth opened greedily. I sat down on the rocking chair next to her bed and breast fed her. Midway through the feed, I heard the front door slam, and my shoulders slumped in despair. He left when I needed him the most. I cried softly, questioning my purpose, questioning whether I was fit enough to be a mom in the state I was in. The hole I was in was so dark and deep, and I was truly alone.
Maybe I needed pills.
Maybe there was something I could use to numb myself. To stop this hurt.
I needed to be a better mother. I needed to be there for Penny, and I wasn’t going to accomplish that by drowning in all this black hurt. But I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know how to navigate this path in the darkness.
I needed help.
I closed my eyes, feeling the sharp pain of Conor’s absence cutting into my chest. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I felt Penny stirring as she was coated in them. I opened my eyes to wipe them off her when I saw the figure standing by the bedroom door, and I stilled.
Jem was leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, looking defeatedly at me. I didn’t know how long he had been standing there, but the shock of his presence made more tears fall. I felt my heart squeeze in relief. As Penny began to whimper and throw her head around, he pushed off the doorway and came to us.
“Okay, Charlotte,” he whispered down at me, his hard eyes staring into my own with acceptance. Then he gently took Penny from me, holding her in perfect form in his arms. He paced the room and rocked her. He kept his back to me, and I couldn’t help but feel it was intentional. He didn’t want me to see him in this way.
For the first time in a long time I let out a long breath. My body relaxed into the chair as I watched them. It felt strange not having her in my arms. It felt strange to have help. She took to him immediately, cooing softly, her belly full, her movements slow.
“Go to bed, Charlotte,” he demanded. “I know you need me, but now’s not a good time. Get some sleep, and I’ll wake you at the next feed.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, holding my breath in case he pulled out.
“Just go.” His tone was flat.
I might have lingered around if I wasn’t so tired, but I could barely keep my eyes open a moment longer. I got up and left the room, and he circled his body so his back kept facing me. When I got to my room, I collapsed in bed, blacking out before my head even hit the pillow.
I ended up sleeping six hours straight. I woke up to the sunlight pouring through the window and found Jem had set the baby monitor on the night table beside me. Thinking he had left, I quietly left the room and checked in on her. She was sleeping soundlessly. I knew this form. She was out hard, like she’d finally given up the fight. To my complete surprise, beside the crib, Jem was on the rocking chair with his arms crossed, dead asleep.
He had stayed.
I had plucked him out of work and pleaded for his help and he had listened. Hard as nails as he was, I knew right then I had someone who was going to be there helping me through the fog. I breathed for the first time in a long time, and the weight on my shoulders didn’t feel so heavy.
The room was still dark, so I left them to sleep. I changed into loose pants and a baggy top. I washed my face and put my hair up, staring at my reflection for the first time without feeling like I was racing around. As my eyes lapped up the face staring back at me, I smiled sadly. I didn’t look the same. I…I wasn’t a girl anymore.
The last year had aged me. I felt…older inside.
I didn’t know what growing up too fast meant. Throughout my pregnancy the nurse had warned me how much a baby would change things. I thought she had meant the normal things. Like having no sleep, or not being able to go out whenever I wanted to. But it was so much more than that. My spirit was altered. Caring for another human being put things in perspective. The shit that mattered before seemed so little and trivial now.
Keeping a baby alive was more than just feeding and cleaning up shit and vomit. It was providing warmth, both physically and emotionally.
Looking away, I paced the house, quickly tidying up. In the kitchen, I cleared off the countertops and packed away a week’s worth of dishes into the dishwasher. It was cathartic being ahead of the curve than behind. Housework was no joke, and I was certainly not a domestic goddess.
I was brewing coffee when I heard heavy footsteps approach.
I turned just as Jem entered the kitchen. His hair was in all directions and he looked like he slept for a whole minute last night.
“You got the monitor?” he asked, the sleepiness heavy in his voice.
I nodded. “On the island.”
He glanced at the island where it sat, showing Penny in bed, still dead asleep. I watched him carefully as he nodded back at me and ran a hand over his face, smoothing out the tired lines.
“She’s a handful,” he remarked, gruffly. “I see what you mean about needing help.”
I smiled softly. “It wasn’t just about the sleep.”
He glanced at me briefly, determined not to look at me long. “I know.”
“Thank you, Jem.” My gratitude couldn’t be showed with words. “I need to repay you for taking her last night.”
He shook his head, dismissing me. “No, I don’t want anything.”
“I can make you dinner –”
“Charlotte,” he cut in severely, flashing me his solemn eyes. “I said no.”
I swallowed, feeling embarrassed for pushing it. Pretending to be interested in the coffee, I turned away and fetched a mug from the cabinet. I heard him shuffle his feet around, k
nowing very soon he would be leaving.
“You want coffee?” I offered, knowing the answer already.
“No.”
“Okay.”
I mean, he drank coffee. I’d seen him guzzle it before. Clearly, my coffee wasn’t good enough. I was kinda offended. Like…at least try a cup. Don’t just write off my coffee making skills.
Alas, I was getting a little carried away.
I poured myself a cup, acutely aware he was still behind me, and I didn’t know how to bridge the awkwardness. Jem was a puzzle to crack. Stirring the creamer in with a tiny spoon, I turned around to say something mundane to him when he beat me to it.
“I have a girl,” he said, looking straight at me. He didn’t look so annoyed anymore. He swallowed thickly as his eyes flashed to the monitor again. Something dark passed through them. “I had a girl…” he amended in a whisper, speaking to himself now.
My heart took a nosedive in my chest at the wretched look that flashed in his expression. It came and went so quickly. I knew a look like that. I knew it like the back of my hand.
His words sank into me.
My stirring slowed and I felt a little weak.
“I didn’t know,” I replied, hesitantly.
He had a girl. Had.
Jesus, I didn’t know.
“Yeah, well.” He still lingered there, looking unsure now.
“What was her name?” I asked.
“Addison.”
I wanted to ask him what happened, but that was too quick, too personal. There was a heavy sadness in the air now. Keeping it simple, I remarked as best I could, “Beautiful name, Jem.”
He nodded and then shrugged, glancing at me again. “I wasn’t trying to be a dick last night, Char. It’s just…it was pushing my limit. You were asking for an impossible thing.”
I nodded in understanding. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I should have accepted it –”
“You didn’t know, and that’s alright. I’m just explaining that it was hard for me to take her and…relive something in my past. It…It had nothing to do with you, Charlotte. When I…” he paused, searching for words, looking conflicted. “When I get angry, or when I feel challenged, I shut down. I push people away and I say some shit I don’t mean. I know I’ve been an asshole from the start, but it’s only to keep certain people away.”
“What people?”
“Good people. People like you. People who talk…feelings. It’s easier to stay shut off with my kind of people. It’s…simpler.”
God, I felt guilty. I shouldn’t have called him. I couldn’t imagine the pain he must have endured looking after Penny and being reminded of his own girl. I spent a second just imagining what losing Penny would feel like, and I couldn’t stomach it.
“I get it with Conor,” he said just then with a look like he was coming to peace with something. “I didn’t get it when it came to you. He threw everything to the wayside like it didn’t mean a damn thing. I was so angry at him. But…seeing Penny up there, and seeing you with her, I get what he was fighting for. I guess along the way I tried to bury the heavy shit deep, and I could have been more understanding. I don’t know.”
I tried not to get emotional. It took everything in me to swallow the lump in my throat and act casual. I took a few steps to the island and set the mug down. Talking about Conor made my legs wobbly. I stared at the monitor and blinked back tears.
“I don’t know why Billy showed up that day,” I whispered, brokenly. “It makes no sense, does it?” I felt Jem’s eyes on me, and when he didn’t answer, I shrugged weakly. “He was away for so long, I don’t know what changed. What sort of punishment is this, Jem?”
He stayed quiet, but his brows were furrowed like he was thinking about it. When you put aside the missing Conor part and looked at the whole picture, it didn’t make sense. I had dissected that day every night before I fell asleep. Billy had come out of nowhere, and he had been completely unhinged. More unhinged than he had been already.
“I tried talking about it to Megan,” I muttered, unable to hold back now. “I told her Billy was mental, but it had been way out of the norm for him. She just thought he snapped.”
“What do you think?” he asked.
“I think something pushed him.”
“Something or someone?”
I shrugged again. “God, I don’t know. Maybe someone was in his ear.”
“Like Reid?”
I felt a shiver run down my spine at the mention of his name. Reid was poison. Seeing him around town was inevitable, and while I pretended he didn’t exist every time that rarity happened, I felt his eyes on me. I never felt good about it, but he still didn’t strike me as sinister enough to convince Billy to come back around again. I didn’t even think Reid knew the extent of what Billy did until after he’d died.
“Maybe,” I finally whispered. “But I don’t think so.”
He nodded, taking in my words, actually listening to me. I hadn’t felt heard in so long. It was so good to talk to someone about this. About Conor. About Reid and Billy and that day. Megan didn’t like that conversation, and Laura tip-toed around the topic like it might trigger me.
Don’t get me wrong, I was emotional and fragile, but I could handle talking about Billy. Maybe it would drive away the Billy I was manifesting in my everyday life.
“Is it something you want to explore, or have you put it to rest?” he wondered just then, studying me. “Because I can ask around, Charlotte.”
I went still, surprised by his offer. “That would be tough to dig around for, don’t you think? How could you get a straight answer?”
Jem just watched me, an unspoken answer behind his gaze. “I have ways of knowing.”
I thought about his question. If it was something I had put to rest, I wouldn’t have mentioned it.
Vibrating sounded from his pocket just then. He pulled out his phone and gave the screen a quick glance before sighing slowly. I knew he had to leave. His movements slowed down as he looked up at me with a forced smile. “I gotta go, Charlotte.”
I felt a pang in my chest. Loneliness beckoned to me. “I know.”
This time his stare lingered on me, sincerity pooling in his eyes. “If it gets too much, you give me a call, okay?”
I nodded. “I will.”
“Anytime, Char. Day or night. Today, tomorrow, next week. I made a promise to Conor to look out for you. I’m not going to let either of you down.”
I smiled, giving him a warm look. “Thank you, Jem.”
He nodded and started to walk backwards. “You know my number. Keep me updated on your gremlin upstairs, alright?”
“I will.”
“And let me know if you want me to look into Billy.”
He was gone as swiftly as he’d come. I didn’t know how much I had needed the company until he was gone, leaving me alone in the kitchen to my thoughts.
“Did you really have to bring me up?” Billy asked, appearing from across the island. “You really think someone sent me to you?”
I took a sip of my coffee as I looked him over. He always looked the same: black shirt over dark jeans, black hair long enough to cover most of his forehead, skin so pale it made his haunting blue eyes look like diamonds. This was what he looked like on that day.
He shook his head at me, disappointed. “You just can’t stop thinking about me, can you? You can’t stop to consider no one sent me to you that day. Because a part of you still cares for me. On some base level, you remember me before I turned black, and it fucks you up.”
I took another sip and redirected my gaze to the monitor, watching as Penny began to stir.
“You know the truth,” Billy continued. “You know it was all me.”
I shook my head, refusing to believe that. “No, it wasn’t.”
“Denial is your heart telling you you’re not ready to accept the truth, even if it’s staring at you in the face.”
“Then why did you come back?” I challenge
d, glaring at him.
“Because I loved you.”
“Bullshit.”
“I had a sickness in my head. I was never like this.”
“You were a monster,” I snarled, tears stinging my eyes. “I trusted you once!”
Now he looked wretched. His eyes pleaded for me, pleaded for me to remember.
For a flash of a second, I shut my eyes and did.
I remembered being dumped at Mom’s on weekends Dad had to work away.
I remembered…
The summer day was humid.
Billy had ridden in the back seat with me, kicking the car seat in front of him, pissing Mom off. My stepdad was too happy that day to tell him off.
“Stop that,” Mom growled, huffing in the front.
I held my breath so I wouldn’t laugh.
I liked Billy.
Mom had just gotten married and it was my first time hanging out for so long with Billy.
Billy glanced at me, smiling cheekily. “What’re you reading, Charlotte?” he asked.
I showed him my book and he sat close to me, looking over it. “Those are big words,” he stated, frowning.
“My teacher said I’m three reading levels ahead of where I’m supposed to be,” I explained proudly.
“Wow,” he exclaimed, stars in his eyes as he glanced up at me, his stark blue eyes shining. “You’re so smart, Charlotte.”
Mom scoffed from the backseat. “Yeah, let’s see how long that lasts.”
My cheeks burned, my eyes pricked with tears as she looked disgustedly at me, muttering under her breath, “Intelligence won’t get a girl far in this world.”
Billy scowled at her before grabbing at my hand, clasping it tightly. “I think Charlotte will be super-duper smart.”
My heart softened at his encouraging smile.
When we got to the camping grounds, Mom and Paul dumped us at the pebbled beach alongside the bay. Then they grabbed their fold out chairs and disappeared in the bush, holding a bag of the things that made them happy.
Billy and I splashed in the water along the shore of the beach, throwing rocks into the water.
“You’re so good at throwing,” he said with a smile. “I wish you were here all the time, Charlotte. We would have so much fun. It gets lonely in that house all day.”
