“Holland! is the cab still there?”
“Yes, Miss Barbara.”
“Why don’t you go back in it now, Alex?”
“Tonight?”
“Why not? She says she’s waiting for you, and it would all be much easier than a lot of good-byes and things, with father and mother.”
“I couldn’t go without telling them.”
“I’ll tell them.”
Alex felt no strength, only a longing for quiet and for Mother Gertrude.
“Ask if I may,” she said faintly.
Barbara darted out of the room.
When she came back, Alex heard her giving orders to Holland to pack a dressing-bag with things for the night.
Then she hurried into the room again.
“They said yes,” she announced. “I think they agree with me that it’s much the best thing to do it at once. After all, you’re only going for a little visit. Mother said I was to give you her love. She’s lying down.”
“Shall I go in to her?”
“You’d better not. Father’s there too. I’ve told Holland to pack your bag. We can send the other things tomorrow.”
“But I shan’t want much. It’s only for a little while.”
“Yes, that’s all, isn’t it?” said Barbara quickly. “It’s only for a little while. Shall I fetch your things, Alex?”
Alex was relieved to be spared the ascent to the top of the house, for which her limbs felt far too weary. She sat and looked round her at the big, double drawing-room, crowded with heavy Victorian furniture, and upholstered in yellow, brocaded satin. She had always thought it a beautiful room, and the recollection of its splendour and of the big, gilt-framed pictures and mirrors that hung round its wall, was mingled with the earliest memories of her nursery days.
“Here you are,” said Barbara. “I’ve brought your fur boa too, because it’s sure to be cold. Holland has got your bag.”
Without a word Alex rose, and they went down the broad staircase.
“I hope it’ll be nice,” said Barbara cheerfully.
“It’s very brave of you to go, I think, Alex, and you’ll write and tell me all about it, and how you like poor people, and all that sort of thing.”
Alex realized that her sister was talking for the benefit of the servants.
There was a rush of icy, sleet-laden wind, as the front door was opened.
“Gracious, what a night!”
Barbara retreated to the stairs again.
“Good-bye, Alex. Let me know what things you want sent on.”
“Good-bye,” said Alex, apathetic from fatigue.
She turned and waved her hand once to Barbara, a slim, alert little figure clinging to the great, carved foot of the balustrade, the lamp-light casting a radiance over her light, puffed-out hair, and gleaming fitfully over the shining steel buckles on her pointed shoes.
Alex hurried through the cold evening to the shelter of the cab.
It jolted slowly through the lighted streets, and she leant back, her eyes closed.
A wave of sick apprehension surged over her every now and then, and she shivered spasmodically under her fur.
“Here we are, Miss. Shall I get out and ring, so that you won’t have to wait in this cold?” said the maid compassionately.
From the dark corner of the cab Alex watched the trim, black-clad figure mount the steps.
There was always a long wait before the convent door was opened.
But tonight it was flung back and warm light streamed out.
Alex, cold and frightened, stumbled up the steps in her turn.
It was not the old portress who had thrown back the open door.
The Superior was waiting, her hands outstretched.
“My child, my child, come in! Welcome home.”
Book II
XIX
Belgium
“Sister Alexandra, I have put a letter in your cell. And will you go to Mother Gertrude’s room after Vespers?”
“Thank you, Sister. I wonder if Mother Gertrude remembers that I have to go down to the children at five o’clock, though?”
“Oh, I dare say not. Perhaps you could get some one to replace you there. Shall I see if Sister Agnes is free?”
“Thank you, I will speak to Mother Gertrude first.”
The nuns separated, the lay-sister returning to her eternal task of polishing up the brasses and gilt candlesticks of the chapel perpetually dimmed by the rain and mists of the Belgian climate, and Alexandra Clare, professed religious, wearily mounted the steep, narrow stairs to the tiny cubicle in the large dormitory, designated a “cell.” There would just be time to fetch the letter and put it into the deep pocket of her habit before the bell rang for Vespers, otherwise they would have to wait till next morning, for she knew there would be no spare instant for even a momentary return to the cell until she went to bed that night, far too tired for anything but such rest as her pallet-bed could afford. She felt little or no curiosity as to her correspondence.
Nobody wrote to her except Barbara, who had kept her posted in all the general family news with fair regularity for the past nine years.
She recognized without elation the narrow envelope with the thin black edge affected by Barbara ever since she had become the widow of Ralph McAllister, during the course of the war in South Africa. It all seemed to her very remote. The fact that Mother Gertrude had sent for her after Vespers was of far more importance than any news that Barbara might have to give of the outside world that seemed so far away and unreal.
Sister Alexandra had not been very greatly moved by any echoes from without, since the sudden shock of hearing of her mother’s death, while she herself was still a novice preparing to take final vows.
Alex still remembered the bewilderment of seeing a black-clad, sobbing, schoolgirl Pamela in the parlour, and the frozen rigidity of grief which had masked her father’s anguish.
Barbara and Ralph McAllister had been recalled from their honeymoon — he still rapturous at a marriage which had been deferred for nearly two years owing to Sir Francis’ objection to his profession, and Barbara drowned in decorous tears, through which shone all the self-conscious glory of her wedding-ring, and her new position as a married woman. Alex had been thankful when those trying interviews had come to an end — she had been sent to Liège just before her religious profession. It had mitigated the wrench of a separation from her Superior, although the first months spent away from Mother Gertrude had seemed to her unutterably long and dreary. But less than a year later Mother Gertrude had come to the Mother-house as Assistant Superior, and the intercourse between them had been as unbroken as the rule permitted.
It was eight years since Alex had left England, but, except for the extreme cold of the winter, which told upon her health yearly, she had grown to be quite unaware of the surroundings outside. The wave of rather febrile patriotism that rolled over England at the time of the Boer War, left her quite untouched, and no description of Barbara’s conveyed anything to her mind of the astoundingly wholesale demolition of old ideals that fell with the death of Victoria, and the succession of Edward VII to the English throne.
For Alex there was no change, except the unseen progress of time itself. She only realized how far apart she had grown from the old life when the news of her father’s death reached her in the winter of 1902, and woke in her only a plaintive pity and self-reproachful wonder at her own absence of any acute emotion.
No one came to see her in the parlour after Sir Francis’ death. For one thing, she was in Belgium and too far away to be easily visited, and the South African casualties, amongst whom had numbered Barbara’s young husband, had familiarized them all with the ideas of death and parting, so that there was little of the consternation and shock that Lady Isabel’s death had brought to her children. The house in Clevedon Square knew no more big receptions and elaborate At Home days, but Cedric, already of age, had taken over the headship of the household, and Alex had been conscious of a vag
ue relief that she could still picture the surroundings she remembered as home for the boys and Pamela. Even that picture had become dim and strangely elusive, three years later, at the thought of Cedric’s marriage.
Alex had accepted it, however, as she accepted most things now, with a passivity that carried no conviction to her mind. What her outer knowledge told her was true, failed to impress itself in any way upon her imagination, and consequently left her feelings quite untouched. To her inner vision, the life outside remained exactly as she had last seen it, in that summer that she still thought of as “Diamond Jubilee year.”
Inside the convent, things had not changed. Looking back, she could remember a faint feeling of amusement when she had returned to the house at Liège at twenty-two years old, believing herself to be immeasurably advanced in years and experience since her schooldays, and had found that scarcely any alteration or modification in the rule-bound convent had taken place. She now sat among the other nuns at the monthly réclame and watched the girls rise one by one in their places, their hands concealed under the ugly black-stuff pèlerine, their hair tightly and unbecomingly strained back, their young faces demurely made heavy and impassive, as they listened to the record read aloud just as unrelentingly as ever by old Mère Alphonsine.
Sister Alexandra very rarely contributed any words of praise or blame to the judgment. At first she had been young, and therefore not expected to raise her voice amongst the many dignitaries present, but even now, when by convent standards she had attained to the maturity of middle age, her opinion would have been of little value.
She was seldom sent among the children, although she gave an English lesson to the moyennes on two evenings a week. In her first year at Liège, there had been an American girl of fourteen who had taken a sudden rapturous liking to her, which had never proceeded beyond the initial stages, since Alex, without explanation, had merely been told to hand over the charge of the child’s English and French lessons hitherto in her hands, and had herself been transferred to other duties. Since then, she had been kept on the Community side of the house, and employed principally by Mother Gertrude to assist with the enormous task of correspondence that fell to the share of the Assistant Superior. She was taught to sew, and a large amount of mending passed through her hands and was badly accomplished, for Lady Isabel Clare’s daughter had learned little that could be of use to her in the life she had selected. She was not even sufficiently musical to give lessons in piano or organ playing, nor had she any of the artistic talent that might be utilized for the perpetration of the various pious objects d’art that adorned the walls of the parlours or the class-room.
Nevertheless, Sister Alexandra was hard-worked. No one was ever anything else at the convent, where the chanting of the daily Office alone was a very considerable physical strain, both in the raw cold of the early morning and at the dose of the ceaselessly occupied day. Many of the nuns said the Office apart, owing to the numerous duties that called them from the chapel during the hours of praise and supplication, but Sister Alexandra had so few outside calls upon her time that she was one of the most regular in attendance.
At first her health had appeared to improve under the extreme regularity of the life, and later, when her final vows had been made, it was no longer a subject for speculation. She was not ill, and therefore need never reproach herself with being a burden to her Community. Anything else did not matter — one was tired, no doubt — but one had made the sacrifice of one’s life.... Thus the conventual creed.
Time had sped by, with strange, monotonous, unperceived rapidity. It was all a matter of waiting for the next thing. At first, Alex Clare had waited eagerly and nervously to be taught some mysterious secret that would enable her to become miraculously happy and good at home in Clevedon Square. Then she had gradually come to see that there would be no return — that her home thenceforward would be with Mother Gertrude, and in the convent. Her novitiate days had come next — strange, trying apprenticeship, that had been lightened and comforted by the woman whose powerful and magnetic personality had never failed to assert itself and its strength.
Belgium, and the anguished waiting and hoping for orders to return to London, and the growing certainty that those orders would not come, had culminated in the rush of relief and joy that heralded Mother Gertrude’s unexpected transfer to the Mother-house. After that, her first vows, taken for a term of two years, had inaugurated the long probationary period at the end of which a final and irrevocable pledge would bind her for ever to the way of the chosen few. Those perpetual vows were held out to her as the goal and crown of life itself, and her mind had speculated not at all on what should follow.
She was twenty-six before she was allowed to become a professed religious — according to conventual standards, no longer a very young woman. The delay had inflamed her ardour very much. It was characteristic of Alex to believe implicitly in an overwhelming transformation which should take place within her by virtue of one definite act, so long anticipated as to have acquired the proportions of a miracle.
It sometimes seemed to her that ever since the embracing of those perpetual vows, she had lived on, waiting for the transformation to operate. There was nothing else to wait for. The supreme act in the life of a religious, to the accomplishment of which her whole being had hitherto been tending, impelled at once by precept and by example, had taken place.
The next initiation could only be obtained through death itself, yet Alex was still waiting.
She would tell herself that she was waiting for the children’s summer holidays for the beginning of the new term, then for the season of Advent and the Christmas festival, for the long stretch of Lenten weeks, with its additional fastings and fatigue, and still as each year slipped by the sense of unfulfilment remained with her, dormant but occasionally stirring.
In the last four years she had become additionally sensible of a growing exhaustion, that seemed to sap her spirit no less than the strength of her body. She had waited for her weariness to culminate in a breakdown of strength that should send her to the convent infirmary, when the rest that her body craved would be imposed upon her as an obligation, but no such relief came to her.
It sometimes struck her with a feeling of wonder that such utter lassitude of flesh and spirit alike could continue with no apparent and drastic effect upon her powers of following the daily rule. But she had no time in which to think, for the most part, and the example of Mother Gertrude’s unflagging energy could always shame her into un-complaint. Her devotion to the elder nun had inevitably increased by the very restrictions that the convent rules placed upon their intercourse.
Even now, after so many years spent beneath the same roof, the thought that she was summoned to a private interview with Mother Gertrude could still make her heart beat faster. Since the days of her novitiate, there had been few such opportunities, and those for the most part hurried and interrupted.
Sister Alexandra went downstairs with a lightened heart.
The bell from the chapel rang out its daily summons, and she mechanically took off her black-stuff apron, folded and put it away, and turned her steps down the long passage.
Her hands were folded under her long sleeves and her head bent beneath her veil, in the attitude prescribed.
Barbara’s letter lay in the depths of her pocket, already forgotten.
Her thoughts had flown ahead, and she was hoping that the Superior would allow her to send Sister Agnes in her stead to the children at five o’clock.
In the chapel, she raised her eyes furtively to the big, carved stall on a raised daïs where the Assistant Superior had her place during the frequent absence of the Superior-General.
Mother Gertrude was very often claimed in the parlour or elsewhere, even during the hours of recital of the Office, and Alex was always aware of a faint but perceptible pang of jealousy when this was the case.
Tonight, however, the stately black-robed figure was present. She was always upright and immovable, an
d her eyes were always downcast to her book.
Alex went through the Psalms, chanted on the accustomed single high note, and was hardly conscious of a word she uttered. Long repetition had very soon dulled her appreciation of the words, and her understanding of even Church Latin had never been more than superficial.
She had come to regard it as part of that pervading and overwhelming fatigue, that she should bring nothing but a faint distaste to her compulsory religious exercises.
Towards the close of Vespers she saw a lay-sister come on tiptoe into the chapel, and kneeling down beside Mother Gertrude’s daïs, begin a whispered communication.
Immediately a feverish agony of impatience invaded her.
No doubt some imperative summons to an interview with the parents of a nun or a child, or consultation in the infirmary, where two or three little girls lay with some lingering childish ailment, had come to rob the Superior of her anticipated free time.
Alex, in nervous despair, saw her bend her head in acquiescence.
The lay-sister retired as noiselessly as she had come, and Mother Gertrude closed her book.
The concluding versicles and prayers were spoken kneeling, and Alex was compelled to turn towards the High Altar.
She was quivering from head to foot, and gripped the arms of her stall in order to restrain herself from turning her head. Every nerve was strained in her attempt to hear any movement at the back of the chapel, but she could distinguish nothing.
The few minutes that elapsed before the bell sounded for rising, seemed to her interminable.
She had grown accustomed lately to the grip of these nervous agonies, to which she became a prey for the most trivial of causes.
The modern exploitation of hysteria, however, was still in its embryo stage, half-way between the genteel hysterics of the ‘sixties and the suppressed neuroticism of the new century. She did not diagnose her complaint. With the sensation, familiar to her, of blood pumping from her heart to her head, making her face burn, while her hands and feet remained dead and cold, she rose from her knees.
Collected Works of E M Delafield Page 112
