I was surprised when he answered fully alert. “Kat, is that you?”
I started crying immediately. “Yes. It’s me.”
“Please don’t cry.”
“I can’t sleep. All I keep thinking about is being without you. I feel so sick over it. My head is all over the place. I feel like everything is my fault, but I also know that there’s no possible way I could ever give up on us. I just feel so lost, Brooks.”
I wondered if he was rolling his eyes at my latest attempts at feeling sorry for myself.
“Babe, I’m not going anywhere. I promised you that no matter what happened I’d stick around and I meant it. You’ve got a lot going on, but in time you’re going to see the big picture. You’re going to know without a doubt that we should be together. I know I get hardheaded about you. It’s only because I’ve waited so long to start our life together. Now we’ve got a little girl to raise. As much as I hate that you’ve got baggage, it doesn’t mean I’ll give up. Nobody is going to come my way and take your place. You have my heart, Kat. You always have. Please calm down. I hate it when you’re so upset.”
He wasn’t helping me to stop crying. Instead, I was sobbing harder. “I know I love you and I know I’m supposed to be with you. That’s never been my problem.”
“Yeah, I know. I feel the same way.”
I missed him already. “Will I see you tomorrow?”
“Do you want to see me?” I hated that he even had to ask.
“Of course.”
The side door frightened me, especially since I wasn’t able to get up quick enough to see what was happening. I heard footsteps and looked up quickly to see who was coming through the doorway. Then I heard his voice, both on the phone and in the kitchen. “How about now?”
I smiled through my sniffles. “I thought you left?”
We both hung up our phones at the same time.
“I did. I drove around for a while and then came back, seeing as I had a feeling you were going to need me. I can see now that I was right.” He crossed his arms and stood there looking at me. It didn’t even bother me that he always knew what I was thinking. It comforted me and made me feel like I was never alone.
He didn’t come over and sit on the couch. Instead, he leaned on the doorframe separating the kitchen and living room.
“What if I didn’t call?”
He shrugged. “I’ve slept in worse places than a truck. I would have gotten up and drove in to work. I wasn’t leaving you three girls here alone. Since you obviously needed some space, I gave it to you.”
“Your mom was nice. We talked for a bit. I told her about Bobby. I may have left out a few details, but she knows everything there is to know. I can’t tell whether she hates me or not. I think I already hate myself enough for the both of us.”
“She doesn’t hate you. Didn’t she tell you that you were her daughter, just a few days ago?”
“That was before she knew I was a lying, married, awful person.”
“Do you hear yourself?”
“It’s true.”
“You lied because I asked you to. I told you to keep it from them, because I thought it would be easier. I didn’t know Bobby would show up, and if I had, we could have been prepared.”
Even though I still had pent up guilt, I had to focus on one mess at a time. I looked right at him, feeling upset at how we’d left things. “Will you come sit with me?”
“Will you let me?” He was seriously asking me, because I’d led him to believe that we couldn’t be together.
“I’ll always let you. Stop asking such stupid questions. You never have to ask me.”
He sighed and walked over, sitting down and kicking off his boots, before turning his attention to me. “Come here.” He put his arm around me and pulled me down against his chest. It wasn’t sexual or even romantic. Brooks wanted me to know that he was there for me. He was protecting me like he always had before. “Try to get some rest.”
I laced my hand inside of one of his. “Please don’t go anywhere, Brooks.”
“You are on top of me. I don’t see how I could sneak out without you noticing.”
“Will you tell me a story that I’ve never heard?” I kept my eyes opened, but listened to his heart beating in his chest.
“Let’s see. Can it be about anything?”
I nodded again and played with his fingers that were laced with my own.
“Before I left for boot camp, I asked Branch if he planned on marrying you someday. I don’t know why I did it. I guess maybe I just needed that push to tell me that I was doing the right thing by leaving. At any rate, he told me that as long as I wanted you, he’d have you. Do you believe that cock sucker said that?”
I laughed. “Yeah. I do.”
“Anyway, that’s not the best part of the story. While he thought he’d damaged my ego, I laughed, thinking about the two times that I’d been with you and nobody knew about. Then I said the first thing that popped into my head. I asked him if he was alright with knowing that when you were with him, if it bothered him that you pretended it was me.” He started laughing. “You don’t have to tell me if you ever did that, but it made me feel better saying it to him.”
“I’m sure it pissed him off.”
“Yeah. It didn’t matter. I left and he got to be with you. He got to live with you and spend countless hours in your presence, while I was so far away from everyone.”
I felt so sorry for Brooks, especially knowing that I’d never been truly happy with Branch. I knew that now. “How did you get through it?”
“I thought of you. I drew pictures of you and wrote you letters that I never sent. I hooked up with a few cadets, but they weren’t anything spectacular. To be honest, I stayed busy most of the time. It wasn’t until I was in bed thinking of you that it got hard.”
I looked right into his eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat. Sure, I heard the part where he’d hooked up with other woman. He had every right to, because I was involved with his brother.
“It broke my heart when you left. I felt like I was being punished.”
“My brother fooled us both. Don’t let it get to you. We’re together now, Kat.”
“Please be patient with me, Brooks. I know I said I couldn’t move forward, but I also can’t lose you. I just feel like I ended his life. I feel responsible and I’ve got to work that out on my own. You understand don’t you?”
“You hurt me earlier. I keep letting myself fall harder for you each time. The thing is, when I do that and you push me away, it hurts worse.” He shook his head. “All I can tell you is that no matter how many times I’ve tried to not love you, it’s never happened. So you can push me away. You can tell me you don’t want to be with me, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stalk you if I have to.”
I giggled. “I told you where I hide the house key. You’ve been invited in.”
“Good because I was planning on having a copy made in the morning.”
“Promise?”
He looked right at me and smiled. “Yes, I promise.”
It was the reassurance that I needed. Things certainly weren’t worked out for either of us, but at least we knew that neither of us was giving up.
I closed my eyes, feeling comfortable against his body. Falling asleep was easy, even after he started to snore.
His alarm on his phone woke us both up and I realized that we’d slept the entire time. Brooks slid off the couch and covered me back up with a blanket. He kissed my forehead. “I need to go to work.”
I grabbed his hand as he started to walk away. “Will you be back later?”
He raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got a hard day ahead of you. Are you sure that’s what you want?”
I nodded.
He let out an air-filled laugh and scratched his head. “Woman, you’re so confusing.”
“Please?”
He leaned over and kissed me again. “I’ll see you later. I love you. Give B a kiss and tell her I’ll be here af
ter work.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. No matter what happens, you’re always there to protect me. Sometimes I think my parents made you that way, like they somehow connected us so I’d never be alone.”
“I hate to break it to you, but I loved you way before they died and I promise that they didn’t put any spells on me. It happened because I wanted it to. There’s no other reason that I want to be there for you. No one makes me do it. I do it because it makes me happy. It makes me feel close to you, even when you’re not paying attention.”
He winked at me before walking out of the room.
I watched him go out the door before I closed my eyes again. Brooks hadn’t left me like I’d thought. He’d come back just in case I needed him, in which I did. I would always need him and knowing that made me more determined to get through whatever was happening with me.
Chapter 55
B woke me up a few hours after Brooks had gone to work. She came running up to the couch and started poking at my face. “Mama, get up.”
I sat up before I remembered that my body was still in a bit of pain. The first thing I noticed was that my head was pounding. I scooted my feet to the floor and grabbed the sides of the couch to pull myself up. B watched and waited for me to go into the kitchen.
I had no idea that Danica would be sitting in there already waiting for me. “Good morning, Katy.”
I smiled and looked down at the floor, unable to hold my emotions in at all. “Good morning.”
“Did Brooks get off to work okay?”
She knew he’d been there the whole time and had probably heard our entire conversation. “Yeah. He said he’d be back when he gets off.”
I put my coffee cup under the instant maker and pushed the button before I could turn and look at her. She came over and waited for me to be finished making it before she carried it over to the table. After making B some oatmeal, she joined me back at the table. “I was wondering if you’d like us to come along today when you visit your friends?”
I shrugged and traced the outside edge of the coffee cup. “I don’t know. The truth is I don’t even think we’re friends anymore. Sarah made it clear that she wants nothing to do with someone that runs away from her marriage. They weren’t even on my side when he used to hit me. I’d just assume to not contact them after all this is over.”
“I’ll keep B here and get some more cleaning done.”
I reached for her hand. “Danica, you don’t have to do that. I’ll call a company to come out and clean and then another to start doing repairs.”
“If you fill out a police report your insurance would cover the damage.”
I smiled and thought of Bobby. “No. This was his way of punishing me. I don’t want to put a claim in so soon after moving in. It will only hurt my premiums. I’ll deal with it. Mostly it’s cosmetic. We can fix the walls and replace the carpet. I can buy new furniture and curtains.”
Danica squeezed my hand. “I hate that this has happened to you.”
I looked over at B, who had no idea what was happening. Not only had she never mentioned or looked for Bobby, but even after hearing other people talk about him, she seemed unfazed. “I’m just glad she’s too young to know what’s going on. He was good to her, even when he wasn’t to me. He really loved her.” I started to tear up. “It really breaks my heart.”
She scooted her chair closer to me and pulled me into her arms. I couldn’t stand crying in front of my daughter and lately she’d seen too much of it. I grabbed the remote off the table and turned on the small kitchen television for her to be occupied with. When she saw the cartoons it was as if she were alone in the room.
“You’re going to get through this, Katy. I’ll stay here as long as you want me to.”
I shook my head. “You don’t have to. I know I’ve only brought you disappointment. I could never expect you to forgive me.”
“I’m no saint. None of us are, I suppose. I won’t abandon you just because you made some poor choices. We’re family, you know that.”
I closed my eyes, imagining my life without them in it. I’d gone for too long feeling like I had nobody. All the while, they’d been there waiting for me to come home. “Thank you. I appreciate that. Sometimes I just wish I had my parents here with me, especially when I slept with Brooks the night before the wedding. I felt so awful and so in love at the same time. The conflict that I was having with myself sent me over the edge. I had to run, because I couldn’t face any of you. Besides, I knew Brooks was leaving and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.”
Danica looked away, which I thought was weird. “I miss your parents, too. I think about them every day.”
“I guess things happen for a reason. They picked the right people to raise me at least.”
Danica started to cry and I felt sad that bringing up my parents hurt her so much. They’d been friends for so long.
Finally she calmed down and since it was getting late in the morning, I needed to get moving. I had a lot of things to do to make arrangements for Bobby’s service. After crutching my way into my half-charred bedroom, I closed the door and got situated on the bed with the phone in my hand. I called church first, hoping they would be able to do a memorial without a bunch of drama.
When all was agreed upon and I received way too many condolences, I called to order flowers and double checked with the funeral home that Bobby’s body was being delivered the next day. His family had little money and his life insurance would only pay for a regular funeral. I wanted it to be special, as sort of a final plea for his forgiveness, so I paid for it to be as beautiful as possible. I ordered him a nice headstone that stated ‘Loving Father’. It was difficult, knowing that I’d been the reason for his death, and yet I was planning to have him put into the ground. I felt evil, as if everyone around me would accuse me of wanting him dead.
As much as I wished things would have been different, I never wanted to hurt him like I had. Not only had I ripped apart his heart, but I’d also caused his death. I felt wretched inside, like I wasn’t worth the love that I was receiving.
They couldn’t understand what it felt like knowing that I’d swung that bottle at his head and knocked him unconscious. They weren’t hearing the sound I heard when it made contact with his jaw. They didn’t see his eyes when he barely opened them moments later.
Over and over it was all I saw and I couldn’t get it out of my head.
Then there was Brooks; committed to us no matter what I decided, or how long it took me to come to grips with my actions.
Having so much on my mind did nothing for the pounding headache I’d woken up with and I knew I couldn’t drive anywhere without it being complicated.
I was going to have to ask Danica to take me and I didn’t want to, so I dialed Sarah’s number and took a deep breath, knowing I was taking the cowardly approach to telling them that their best friend was gone.
“Hello?”
“Sarah, it’s me, Katy. I’ve got some bad news.”
She started crying immediately. “Bobby’s cousin saw Dave last night at the gas station. We heard about the accident.”
“I wanted to come tell you in person, but I can’t get around easily. I’m so sorry, Sarah. I know you both loved him very much.”
The line got quiet and I didn’t hear her sniffles anymore. “And what about you, Katy? Did you ever love that man at all? What was he in Washington, D.C. for in the first place?”
I stared at the charred ceiling and started to cry. “He was furious with me for serving him papers. Sarah, you might not believe this, but he was going to hurt me again.”
“Bullshit!” I’d never heard her use profanity, which could only mean she was irate with me. “That man loved you more that his own life. How dare you sit there on that pedestal and act like he wasn’t a fine person. He gave you everything and he died because of it. I hope you’re happy with yourself, when you’re walking around town with your soldier boyfriend.
Just know that when you feel like people are talking about you, they will be.”
“Sarah, I’ve never lied to you. I swear.”
“Save it. I don’t want any more of your excuses. You don’t know how hard it’s been to live with knowing that I brought you into our lives. You ruin everything you touch, Katy. I should have left you at that store and kept driving.”
I was crying so hard that Danica had come running to the room. The phone was still in my hand, but the line had gone dead. Sarah, my only friend that I’d relied on since arriving in town, not only hated me, but wished she’d never met me.
Danica held me and let me cry. She didn’t ask questions, or try to talk to me. There wasn’t a way that I could even express my feelings any other way. I felt like I wanted to die myself. I’d taken away a man that my town considered the ideal person. They’d never know what he was like behind closed doors. They’d never understand that I’d tried to be good to him, even after so much pain.
Finally, she climbed off of the box spring and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
When the phone started ringing, I jumped. Thinking it was Sarah or maybe even Dave, calling me to give me another bout of verbal torture, I answered as calm as possible. “Hello?”
“You’re crying? What’s wrong?” Hearing his voice made me cry harder. There he was calling me at that exact moment where I felt so helpless.
“I just got off the phone with Sarah.”
“That bad?”
“Well, they all loved him. They could never believe the things that I said he did, and of course, I got blamed for everything that happened, including him coming to D.C. and losing his life. She even said that the whole town was going to hate me and I needed to prepare myself for it.” I started to sob so loudly that I couldn’t hear him talking.
“Kat, listen to me. You’ve got to calm down.”
Finally, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Sorry.”
“We’re going to get through these next couple of days. Mom and I will be by your side the whole time. I don’t give a shit what those people think of you. I know the real Katy; the one that cares about other people and leaves her life and everything behind because she’s disappointed them. I know the girl that lost her parents and somehow grew up to be an amazing mother. And last but never least, I know the woman that loves someone with her whole heart, no matter how far away they might be. Please, try to calm down. I’ll be there around four. I’ve got to stop and do something first.”
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