by Casey Peeler
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Christmas Break 2012
After our non-date at Lakeside Steakhouse, Cash has remained my rock, now I’m afraid I don’t remember how to be ‘just’ Charley. I used to be strong and able to stand on my own two feet but now I feel like I don’t know how to be that girl anymore and that’s why I have to let him go.
“Seriously, Char? I thought you were getting over this. What’s really going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
“Cash, I’m sorry. I love that I have you beside me because I know there are days I’d be a complete mess without you. But, I need to know I can stand on my own two feet. He hurt me, yes, but I just don’t know how to move on from everything that happened with you by my side,” I say as I hold his hand in mine.
“Hurt you is an understatement! He took total advantage of you in the worst way possible and left you there alone. If you hadn’t sent me to check on that damn goat, who knows what would have happened to you?”
We sit in complete silence for what feels like days. Finally, I decide to speak as my eyes begin to fill with tears.
“Cash, you have been my best friend since we could walk. You know everything about me. I love you more than life itself, but I know that I can’t love you the way you need to be loved right now. I have so much to work through on my own.”
“Char, you’re my best friend. Hell, we’ve been more than friends since all that shit went down. I’ve loved you my entire life, and now you’re telling me you don’t want me anymore?”
Pausing, tears begin to stream down my eyes. “I’m not saying I don’t want you anymore, but I’m broken, and I have to figure out how to fix myself on my own without help so I can be the Charley I used to be. Can you really say you want a girlfriend who is broken and used?”
Cash props his fishing rod against the wall and moves closer to me. He places his hand on my shoulder and turns me to face him. “Char, I do. You make me whole. From the first time I looked at you, I knew you were special. You have the most giving and caring heart I have ever seen. You take life by the horns and go with it. You aren’t afraid to make a mistake, but yet this is something I can’t let you do. You are what makes my heart beat. I love you. No matter what you say, I will always love you, and I won’t let you go. I will fight for you, now, tomorrow, and forever. Whether you like it or not, you are my Char-coal and I’m your Cash Money. We’re destined for each other; I just know it!”
I pull myself from Cash’s gaze and hands.
“See, Cash, that’s just the thing, I USED to be the girl who could be fearless and take life by the horns, but I’m not anymore and I want to be that girl again, but I’m afraid I can’t figure it out if I always run to you for help. I need to finish this school year on my own.”
I wait for Cash to answer as the wind blows through the trees. It reminds me of a thief in the night. Just like Dylan stole the most precious gift I ever owned. I’m pulled from my thoughts when Cash finally speaks.
“Charley, I don’t like it, but I do understand. Just know that when you are ready, I’ll be here for you. Take your time, find that piece of yourself you lost, and when you’re ready let me know. I love you.”
As the tears stream down my face, Cash takes the fishing rod from my hand and sits it to the side as he pulls me into his arms. Knowing I’m letting go of my constant, I hold on to him tonight for dear life.
After the tears have slowed, he stands and helps me to the futon. I curl into his side as he places a blanket over us, and we drift off to sleep knowing this is the last time we will spend the night in the club together.
