by Dean, Ali
We introduce ourselves, but Devon seems to already know who we are.
Levi faces us. “Guys, I’m sorry I never got in touch after I moved. I was in a bad place then. As the years passed, it just seemed like too long had gone by to reach out. I didn’t know what to say.”
If he thinks there are hard feelings, he’s wrong. “I get it, Levi. We get it.” Levi heaves a deep breath and pulls me in for a hug.
“I’ve missed you, Jo Jo.”
“She doesn’t let anyone call her that anymore,” Phoebe teases.
“Babe, you just called her that,” Wyatt reminds her.
“Wait, Jo Jo, I mean Jordan, I thought you went to Summerside out in California. Are you still on break?”
“I’m taking the semester off.”
Devon winces. “Is it from that crash?”
“You know about that?”
“Oh yeah, we were following Beckett Steele and Griffin Perry first and now we follow you too,” Devon explains. “I skateboard too. Got Levi back into it when we met.”
“We really gotta catch up on, what is it now? Six years?” Wyatt asks.
“Seven, I think.”
Wyatt tells them, “We live across the street. You guys want to head over there? Alice’s place is so packed you can barely hear anything.”
My head definitely can’t handle going in there right now, even as the pulsing is dulling a tiny bit in the darkened stairwell.
“I should at least go up and say a quick hello,” Levi says. “Alice is a friend from my high school. Can we come over after?”
“Do we really want to deal with those guys if they’re still out there?” Phoebe reminds us.
“I’m happy to deal with them,” Levi says.
“Is he normally like this?” I ask Devon. “In middle school he wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“Oh, he still won’t hurt a fly. But there’s something about those guys that will make any pacifist want to throw a punch or two, don’t you think?”
“I think Alice carries a taser around!” Phoebe says, already moving up the stairs. “Before we go back to our place I’m gonna see if I can borrow it.” She rubs her hands together in anticipation.
“Yeah, taser might be more my style too,” I agree with a nod. “Let’s see if anyone else has one up there.”
Fifteen minutes later, we open the door to the street, ready for a fight.
“Aw man, they left,” Levi says. “Does he go to school here? Maybe we’ll get another chance.”
“I don’t think so,” Wyatt says. “I’ve never seen him around.”
Hanging at Wyatt and Phoebe’s studio apartment with this group is the most fun I’ve had in weeks. We talk for hours, catching up on everything. Well, just about everything. I tell them about Brazen, and my friendships with Griff, Beck, and their sisters, but I don’t get into the details. It’s not the kind of thing I can graze over lightly, and after the incident with Tanner, no one’s in the mood for heavy.
When Devon and Levi head out, I can’t believe it’s already 3 AM.
“I think I’ll like being a fifth wheel better than a third wheel,” I tell them happily as we hug goodbye.
“I still have no idea how you’ve managed to stay single so long,” Levi says, kissing me on the cheek.
Am I single? My hand goes to my necklace as the door shuts behind them. I definitely don’t feel single. Beck still has me, whether he knows it or not. He might not belong to me anymore after I let him go, but I still belong to him, with him. I wonder when that will change. If it ever will.
Beck
It’s midnight my time, 3 AM her time, when she finally gets back to me. I’ve never known Jordan to stay up so late, and since she told me she’s always tired and sleeping a ton, the middle of the night text messes with my head.
Sorry just getting back now! Ran into an old friend from home and spent hours catching up. Crashing now. I’m on their couch but it’s comfy.
I’d asked her if she’d get a bed or the floor and to text me when she was going to sleep. Tossing the phone aside, I get up and pace the bedroom.
I’m wound up, knowing I won’t be able to sleep, so I head downstairs, looking for a glass of milk.
It’s not an empty kitchen though. I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I don’t even process the sounds until it’s too late. Jessica Malloy, also known as Bikini Girl, is sitting on the kitchen counter while Tariq Minor pounds into her. I spin right on around, calling out, “You better sterilize that counter!”
“Beck, come join us!” Bikini Girl cries.
“You like threesomes, baby?” I hear Tariq pant as I jog up the stairs. Unfortunately, the sound carries through the house, and he keeps going. “I can find someone else if Beck’s not in the mood.”
A door on the second floor opens before I can make it to my room. Sarah Kase steps out, in nothing but underwear and a see-through tank top. She rubs her eyes, but if I had to guess, she’s been standing by waiting for a moment to pounce. I thought her supposed friend Camila would be the one I had to stay away from, but Sarah’s been coming on strong.
“Man, those two woke me up. It’s kind of turning me on though, listening to them? How about you, Beck?”
I’m only wearing my boxers, having wrongly assumed the rest of the house was asleep, and she glances pointedly at my crotch.
“You can join them if you want,” I inform her before sidestepping and continuing to my room, my refuge in this sex-crazed place.
There’s only one woman I want. Jordan’s the only one I want to see naked, and I’d do just about anything to have her in this room with me right now. Well, maybe after Romeo gets kicked off the show. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but based on the skateboarding I’ve seen from him so far, I’m guessing I’ll have this room to myself soon.
As soon as I’m done getting through this filming, I’m going to her. If it makes me like my ex Kelly, I don’t even care anymore. It was stupid to compare the situations in the first place. I need Jordan, and I’m realizing that she needs me too, whether she’ll admit it or not.
Chapter Nine
Jordan
“You sure you don’t want to come with us to the park, Jordan?” Wyatt asks.
“It won’t be any fun going to Ripples if I can’t skate, Wyatt. Sorry, you guys are great company and all, but watching you do what I wish I could be doing sounds kind of like torture.” It’s not entirely true. It would suck going to my favorite indoor park and watching everyone skate, but not in the same way it has before. No, I’m in the mood to sit alone and obsess over what Beck is doing on film. A different form of torture that, for whatever reason, I’m more comfortable subjecting myself to than the skatepark. Beck’s been filming for a month now, and I’m starting to drive myself insane.
“The doctor still says no skateboarding?” Phoebe asks. “Not even the easy stuff?”
“We haven’t really talked about it,” I admit. “Anything where there’s a risk of falling or head injury, I can’t do. She did another round of testing last week and I’m still messed up.”
“There’s plenty you can do on a skateboard without falling,” Levi reminds me.
We’re at my parents’ house after spending the night here slumber-party style in the basement. Levi hadn’t seen my parents since he transferred to Hooper College, and after dinner, we ended up playing cards until late into the night. It was easiest for everyone to crash here. I guess when I do nothing much but sit around all day, I turn into a night owl.
“Yeah, I know,” I say vaguely, not wanting to get into a debate about it. What’s the point of driving all the way to one of the best indoor parks in the northeast only to do easy stuff? “I’m going to apply for some jobs today, anyway. I’ve got too much free time on my hands.”
“I thought you just started taking online classes?”
“I can only do a little at a time right now. Besides, I need a job that gets me out of the house.” With my friends back in classes, I usu
ally only see them on the weekends.
“Get out of here guys, I’m good.” I practically have to shove them out the door. I think I’ve accomplished it too, but Levi hovers after the other three leave.
“Hey, you can talk to us, you know? You really don’t want to go to the park and hit the smaller features at least?”
“Levi,” I say his name on a long sigh in answer, because I’m not ready to talk about it.
“I remember when you used to beg your parents to take you to Ripples. You’d scrub their toilets, mop the floors, anything to get a chance to go the best park around.”
“That was a long time ago.”
Levi studies me. “Is this about the assholes online?”
“Which ones?”
“The ones you told us about the other night. I’d seen some of the comments, but you said you got direct messages too.”
“I did. Some were pretty nasty, but that’s not why I’m not coming with you to the park.” I don’t even sound convincing to my own ears. Is that really all this is about?
“I mean, it’s not that I’m worried I’ll stir up more comments and messages. I don’t even have social media anymore,” I clarify, for myself as much as Levi. I open my mouth to explain what exactly is the hold up, but nothing comes out. How do I articulate that it’s all in my head, my chest, my veins? It’s a tension inside me, a darkness that takes over and paralyzes me, and sometimes suffocates too. There’s nothing tangible about it, all I know is that it flares right back up when I try to get on a skateboard, or even watch others skateboard. My heart rate picks up just talking about it. It’s like I’ve got anxiety about having anxiety.
“Which messages are the ones that get in your head the most?” Levi asks, and my eyes snap up to meet his. After years remembering Levi as a victim of bullying, I’ve nearly forgotten about that part of his past entirely over the past month. The guy doesn’t seem capable of being brought down by another’s nasty words, not anymore at least.
“One account said she wondered if Beck or Griff would have given me the time of day if I couldn’t skateboard. That she wished I’d break my legs so I couldn’t skate anymore. Another actually took a picture of me going into Beck and Griff’s building and warned me to stay away.”
Then I admit something for the first time. “That person’s probably more dangerous, but it’s the messages that go after me personally or after my relationship with Beck that get in my head the most.”
Levi places his hands on my shoulders. “People will tell you, don’t let those stupid insults get to you, and they’re right. But for me at least, I couldn’t help it. The taunting about my sexuality back in seventh grade got to me. I didn’t want it to, but it did. That’s because coming out was still new to me, and I wasn’t sure what it meant about my self-worth. Before I could say, “Fuck them,” I had to come to terms with what it meant to me to be gay, accept it, get confidence in it, own it. Maybe it’s the same with you.”
I think about what he’s saying, because I want to be like Levi. He used to cry when guys like Tanner said mean things to him, and now he laughs it off.
Levi keeps talking. “I know what you’re dealing with is different, but instead of avoiding situations that will make the words come back, whether in your head or on social media or in person, maybe you need to come to terms with your self-worth. Or your value when it comes to Beck and your friends. Or your identity as a pro skateboarder. Maybe it’s about your confidence in your relationship with Beck.”
I’m already shaking my head at this last statement because I know it’s not about me and Beck. At least not about us being together. I’ve got confidence in the two of us, there’s no doubt there. Levi’s right, this is about me.
Levi must know what I’m thinking because he smiles a little. “Or maybe your relationship with Beck is just fine, you just need to accept it.” He shrugs. “I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what’s getting at you the most, but I know for me, I was never gonna be able to face the world or the bullies if I didn’t get some confidence behind being gay. It didn’t happen overnight, but once it did, I could honestly brush off the haters without it getting to me. Maybe there won’t always be mean people trolling social media for you, but for me, unfortunately there will always be homophobic assholes like Tanner.”
I’m getting too emotional and choked up to talk so I just open my arms for a hug. When we pull away, I do shove him toward the door this time. “Thanks, Levi. You’re right about all of it. Now go get in the car. I’m sort of surprised they haven’t started honking.”
“Wait, that didn’t get you to want to come with us after all?”
“No, I really do want to apply for an opening at The Swirl.”
Levi shakes his head. “You’ve been saying you want to work there since you were ten. Guess you never give up on your goals, huh?”
“I’m no quitter, Levi.”
There is a honk then from outside and Levi finally jogs over and gets in the back beside Devon. Phoebe rolls down the passenger side window. “What were you guys doing in there if he didn’t even get you to come with us?”
“He was giving me pointers on how to get a job at The Swirl. Scooping techniques and such!” I call back.
As they pull away, waving, only a small part of me wants to go back to my room and drive myself crazy thinking about Beck and all the girls he’s living with right now. Most of me though is pushing that idea aside. I don’t know if I’ve got a chance with Beck again, or if he’s moving on as we speak. Sometimes I worry he’s only still talking to me on the phone because he feels bad for me. But that’s the part of me that also lets comments like bubblerollie’s knock me off my game mid-air. If I want to be able to get back on my board without the taunts replaying in my head, I’ve got to come to terms with who I am, who I’m becoming, and who I want to be. I thought I’d figured that out and accepted it already, but I’m not so sure anymore.
The idea of hiding out here forever, even transferring to Hooper, never competing again or dating a skateboarder, it all sounds safe, comforting even. But it also isn’t what I really want; it isn’t the path that makes me feel alive, that makes me feel like me. Like the best version of me, the person I want to be. It feels a lot like quitting. And like Levi reminded me, I’m not a quitter. For now at least, I’ll start by giving my best shot at getting a job scooping ice cream and making hot chocolate at The Swirl. After that, I’m not exactly sure how to go about figuring out the rest, but it’s not by hiding or picking the safe route.
Chapter Ten
Beck
I’ve finally found a place to hide that’s not my bedroom. With the pool, deck, hot tub, and skatepark all located around the back of the house, the front yard doesn’t see much action. There’s a hammock set up and I’ve spent the last hour lying in it texting Jordan. I’d call her, but I’m too paranoid about someone eavesdropping or a hidden camera.
“Hey man, I see you found the best spot on set.” I poke my head up at the sound of Moses’s voice.
He’s got a camping chair in one hand and two beers in another. “Want one?” He holds out the beers as he takes a seat beside me.
I take one and sit up so I’m out of my cocoon. “How’d you know it was me? I thought I was safely tucked in there out of sight.” It’s one of those canvas hammocks that sort of folds around your head and body when you lie back in it.
“Your shoes.” He nods to the ground where my Brazen sneakers are sitting underneath the hammock.
“I gotta work on my stealth skills. But happy it’s you, man,” I add, because that’s true at least. “Not that we can talk real to each other with the cameras lurking.”
“I haven’t seen any out here,” Moses says, looking around. “But they’ll do just about anything to get some drama from you at this point, Beck, so probably smart to watch your back.”
“What about you? You’re not giving us anything screenworthy, or do I just not know about it?”
He lau
ghs. “I’ve been hooking up with Lennon, so that’s enough for them. She’s a cool girl I’d like to hang out with after this is over, so hopefully they won’t twist it into anything on air.”
Before I can respond, the feel of two hands landing on my shoulders makes me jolt in surprise, spilling beer on myself but thankfully not falling out of the hammock. “You two need to loosen up. They can’t do much twisting with the footage. Just enjoy yourselves. Come hang with the rest of us out back.” It’s Camila, and now I’ve got to find a new hiding spot. Fortunately, my roommate got kicked off last week so I’ve always got my bedroom. She squeezes my shoulders, and when she starts to massage them I move my legs over to get out.
Camila, however, thinks I’m making room for her. “Oh, can I get in with you?” She slides her ass in front of my face and starts to lower herself on top of me.
“Uh, let me just get out first, you can have it to yourself.”
I don’t even care how awkward it must look as I maneuver getting out of the hammock while she’s trying to get in on top of me. I manage to do it all while holding a beer, but Camila doesn’t take the hint. She never takes the hint.
Moses shoots me a sympathetic look as he gets up from his chair and we walk back into the house together. I’m sure Camila is right behind us but I’ve learned that even being polite to this girl is too much encouragement. She’s on a mission to make something happen with me, and it’s starting to really weird me out. I keep hoping the next competition will be her last on the show, but she’s still here.
“Oh, Beck! I heard you’re really good at fixing stuff and the temperature thing on my shower isn’t working right. Can you come look at it?”
Moses starts laughing as he opens the door and I glare at him.
“What’s so funny? Is yours broken too?” Camila asks.
Moses doesn’t stop laughing as he answers. “Yeah, mine broke and I fixed it. I’ll come up and help you.”
Camila juts out her lower lip in what I guess is supposed to be a pout. “Okay,” she concedes as she walks through the door. She brushes against me before I can establish more space between us, and tilts her head up to mine. “You can come up to my room anytime to help fix something, Beck.” Camila uses this sultry voice that sounds as if she’s mocking someone, except she’s being serious. Moses drops his hands to his knees behind her and practically dry heaves in silent laughter.
