by Tahereh Mafi
I flinch as someone touches my shoulder.
Warner.
He leans into my ear, speaking softly so only I can hear him. “It’s getting late, love, and I really must get back to base.” A pause. “And I’m sorry to keep asking, but are you certain you want to stay here?”
I look up to meet his eyes. Nod. “I need to talk to Kenji,” I tell him. “I don’t know how everyone else feels anymore, but I don’t want to do this without Kenji.” I hesitate. “I mean, I can,” I say, “if I have to. But I don’t want to.”
Warner nods. Looks past me at a point behind my head. “Right.” He frowns a little. “I expect one day you’ll tell me what you find so incredibly appealing about him?”
“Who? Kenji?”
Another nod.
“Oh,” I say, blinking in surprise. “He’s my best friend.”
Warner looks at me. Raises an eyebrow.
I stare back. “Is that going to be a problem?”
He stares into his hands, shakes his head. “No, of course not,” he says quietly. He clears his throat. “So, I’ll come back tomorrow? Thirteen hundred hours.”
“Thirteen hundred hours . . . from now?”
Warner laughs. Looks up. “One o’clock in the afternoon.”
“Okay.”
He looks into my eyes then. Smiles for just a moment too long before he turns around and walks out the door. Without a word to anyone.
Ian is gaping at me. Again.
“I’m—right, I’m so confused,” Brendan says, blinking. “Right then—what just happened? Was he smiling at you? Genuinely smiling at you?”
“Looked to me like he was in love with you,” Winston says, frowning. “But that’s probably just because my head is messed up, right?”
I’m doing my best to look at the wall.
Kenji slams the front door open.
Steps inside.
Alone.
“You,” he says, pointing at me, eyes narrowed. “Get your ass over here, right now. You and me,” he says, “we need to talk.”
TWENTY-FIVE
I shuffle over to the door and Kenji grabs my arm to lead me outside. He turns back and shouts, “Get yourselves some dinner” to everyone else, just before we leave.
We’re standing on the landing just outside Adam’s house, and I realize for the first time that there are more stairwells leading up. To somewhere.
“Come on, princess,” Kenji says. “Follow me.”
And we climb.
Four, five flights of stairs. Maybe eight. Or fifty. I have no idea. All I know is that by the time we reach the top I’m both out of breath and embarrassed for being out of breath.
When I’m finally able to inhale normally, I chance a look around.
Incredible.
We’re on the roof, outside, where the world is pitch-black but for the stars and the sliver of moon someone has hung from the sky. Sometimes I wonder if the planets are still up there, still aligned, still managing to get along after all this time. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from them.
The wind tangles around us and I shiver as my body adjusts to the temperature.
“Come here,” Kenji says to me. He motions to the ledge of the roof, and sits down right on the edge, legs swinging over what would be his fastest path to death. “Don’t worry,” he says when he sees my face. “It’ll be fine. I sit here a lot.”
When I’m finally sitting next to him, I dare to look down. My feet are dangling from the top of the world.
Kenji drops an arm around me. Rubs my shoulder to keep me warm.
“So,” he says. “When’s the big day? Have you set a date yet?”
“What?” I startle. “For what?”
“For the day you’re going to stop being such a dumbass,” he says, shooting me a sharp look.
“Oh.” I cringe. Kick at the air. “Yeah, that’ll probably never happen.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Shut up.”
“You know,” he says, “I don’t know where Adam is.”
I stiffen. Sit up. “Is he okay?”
“He’ll be fine,” Kenji says with a resigned sigh. “He’s just super pissed off. And hurt. And embarrassed. And all that emotional shit.”
I drop my eyes again. Kenji’s arm hangs loosely around my neck, and he pulls me closer, tucking me into his side. I rest my head on his chest.
Moments and minutes and memories build and break between us.
“I really thought you guys were solid,” Kenji finally says to me.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Me too.”
A few seconds jump off the roof.
“I’m such a horrible person,” I say, so quietly.
“Yeah, well.” Kenji sighs.
I groan. Drop my head into my hands.
Kenji sighs again. “Don’t worry, Kent was being an asshole, too.” He takes a deep breath. “But damn, princess.” Kenji looks at me, shakes his head an inch, looks back into the night. “Seriously? Warner?”
I look up. “What are you talking about?”
Kenji raises an eyebrow at me. “I know for a fact that you’re not stupid, so please don’t act like you are.”
I roll my eyes. “I really don’t want to have this conversation again—”
“I don’t care if you don’t want to have this conversation again. You have to talk about this. You can’t just fall for a guy like Warner without telling me why. I need to make sure he didn’t stick a chip in your head or someshit.”
I’m silent for almost a full minute.
“I’m not falling for Warner,” I say quietly.
“Sure you aren’t.”
“I’m not,” I insist. “I’m just—I don’t know.” I sigh. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
“They’re called hormones.”
I shoot him a dirty look. “I’m serious.”
“Me too.” He cocks his head at me. “That’s like, biological and shit. Scientific. Maybe your lady bits are scientifically confused.”
“My lady bits?”
“Oh, I’m sorry”—Kenji pretends to look offended—“would you rather I use the proper anatomical terminology? Because your lady bits do not scare me—”
“Yeah, no thanks.” I manage to laugh a little, my sad attempt dissolving into a sigh.
God, everything is changing.
“He’s just . . . so different,” I hear myself say. “Warner. He’s not what you guys think. He’s sweet. And kind. And his father is so, so horrible to him. You can’t even imagine,” I trail off, thinking of the scars I saw on Warner’s back. “And more than anything else . . . I don’t know,” I say, staring into the darkness. “He really . . . believes in me?” I glance up at Kenji. “Does that sound stupid?”
Kenji shoots me a doubtful look. “Adam believes in you, too.”
“Yeah,” I say, looking into the darkness. “I guess.”
“What do you mean, you guess? The kid thinks you invented air.”
I almost smile. “I don’t know which version of me Adam likes. I’m not the same person I was when we were in school. I’m not that girl anymore. I think he wants that,” I say, glancing up at Kenji. “I think he wants to pretend I’m the girl who doesn’t really speak and spends most of her time being scared. The kind of girl he needs to protect and take care of all the time. I don’t know if he likes who I am now. I don’t know if he can handle it.”
“So the minute you opened your mouth you just shattered all his dreams, huh?”
“I will push you off the roof.”
“Yeah, I can definitely see why Adam wouldn’t like you.”
I roll my eyes.
Kenji laughs. Leans back and pulls me down with him. The concrete is under our heads now, the sky draped all around us. It’s like I’ve been dropped into a vat of ink.
“You know, it actually makes a lot of sense,” Kenji finally says.
“What does?”
“I don’t know, I mean—y
ou’ve been locked up basically forever, right? It’s not like you were busy touching a bunch of dudes your whole life.”
“What?”
“Like—Adam was the first guy who was ever . . . nice to you. Hell, he was probably the first person in the world who was nice to you. And he can touch you. And he’s not, you know, disgusting looking.” A pause. “I can’t blame you, to be honest. It’s hard being lonely. We all get a little desperate sometimes.”
“Okay,” I say slowly.
“I am just saying,” Kenji says, “that I guess it makes sense you’d fall for him. Like, by default. Because if not him, who else? Your options were super limited.”
“Oh,” I say, quietly now. “Right. By default.” I try to laugh and fail, swallowing hard against the emotion caught in my throat. “Sometimes I’m not sure I even know what’s real anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know,” I whisper, mostly to myself.
A heavy pause.
“Did you really love him . . . ?”
I hesitate before answering. “I think so? I don’t know?” I sigh. “Is it possible to love someone and then stop loving them? I don’t think I even know what love is.”
Kenji blows out a breath. Runs a hand through his hair. “Well shit,” he mutters.
“Have you ever been in love?” I ask, turning on my side to look at him.
He stares up at the sky. Blinks a few times. “Nope.”
I roll back, disappointed. “Oh.”
“This is so depressing,” Kenji says.
“Yeah.”
“We suck.”
“Yeah.”
“So tell me again why you like Warner so much? Did he, like, take all his clothes off or something?”
“What?” I gasp, so glad it’s too dark for him to see me blushing. “No,” I say quickly. “No, he—”
“Damn, princess.” Kenji laughs, hard. “I had no idea.”
I punch him in the arm.
“Hey—be gentle with me!” he protests, rubbing at the sore spot. “I’m weaker than you!”
“You know, I can sort of control it now,” I tell him, beaming. “I can moderate my strength levels.”
“Good for you. I’ll buy you a balloon the minute the world stops shitting on itself.”
“Thank you,” I say, pleased. “You’re a good teacher.”
“I’m good at everything,” he points out.
“Humble, too.”
“And really good-looking.”
I choke on a laugh.
“You still haven’t answered my question,” Kenji says. He shifts, folds his hands behind his head. “Why do you like the rich boy so much?”
I take a tight breath. Focus on the brightest star in the sky. “I like the way I feel about myself when I’m with him,” I say quietly. “Warner thinks I’m strong and smart and capable and he actually values my opinion. He makes me feel like his equal—like I can accomplish just as much as he can, and more. And if I do something incredible, he’s not even surprised. He expects it. He doesn’t treat me like I’m some fragile little girl who needs to be protected all the time.”
Kenji snorts.
“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.”
“Nice.”
“I’m here for you.”
“I can tell.”
“So that’s it?” Kenji says. “You just like him for his personality, huh?”
“What?”
“All of this,” Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, “has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and him being able to touch you all the time?”
“You think Warner is sexy?”
“That is not what I said.”
I laugh. “I do like his face.”
“And the touching?”
“What touching?”
Kenji looks at me, eyes wide, eyebrows up. “I am not Adam, okay? You can’t bullshit me with your innocent act. You tell me this guy can touch you, and that he’s into you, and you’re clearly into him, and you spent the night in his bed last night, and then I walk in on the two of you in a freaking closet—no wait, I’m sorry, not a closet—a child’s bedroom—and you’re telling me there has been zero touching?” He stares at me. “Is that what you’re telling me?”
“No,” I whisper, face on fire.
“You’re just growing up so quickly. You’re getting all excited about being able to touch shit for the first time, and I just want to be sure you are observing sanitary regulations—”
“Stop being so disgusting.”
“Hey—I’m just looking out for y—”
“Kenji?”
“Yeah?”
I take a deep breath. Try to count the stars. “What am I going to do?”
“About what?”
I hesitate. “About everything.”
Kenji makes a strange sound. “Shit if I know.”
“I don’t want to do this without you,” I whisper.
He leans back. “Who said you’re going to do anything without me?”
My heart skips a few beats. I stare at him.
“What?” he asks. Raises his eyebrows. “You’re surprised?”
“You’ll fight with me?” I ask him, hardly breathing. “Fight back with me? Even if it’s with Warner?”
Kenji smiles. Looks up at the sky. “Hell yeah,” he says.
“Really?”
“I’m here for you, kid. That’s what friends are for.”
TWENTY-SIX
When we make it back to the house, Castle is standing in the far corner, talking to Winston.
Kenji freezes in the doorframe.
I’d forgotten Kenji hadn’t had a chance to see Castle on his feet yet, and I feel a true ache as I look at him. I’m a terrible friend. All I do is dump my problems on him, never thinking to ask him about his own. He must have so much on his mind.
Kenji moves across the room in a daze, not stopping until he reaches Castle. He puts a hand on his shoulder. Castle turns around. The whole room stops to watch.
Castle smiles. Nods, just once.
Kenji pulls him into a fierce hug, holding on for only a few seconds before breaking away. The two stare at each other with some kind of silent recognition. Castle rests a hand on Kenji’s arm.
Kenji grins.
And then he spins around and smiles at me, and I’m suddenly so happy, so relieved and thrilled and overjoyed that Kenji gets to sleep with a lighter heart tonight. I feel like I might burst from happiness.
The door slams open.
I turn around.
Adam steps inside.
My heart deflates.
Adam doesn’t even look at me as he walks in. “James,” he says, crossing the room. “Let’s go, buddy. It’s time for bed.”
James nods and darts into his bedroom. Adam follows him in. The door closes behind them.
“He’s home,” Castle says. He looks relieved.
No one says anything for a second.
“All right, we should get ready for bed, too,” Kenji says, looking around. He walks over to the corner and grabs a stack of blankets. Passes them out.
“Does everyone sleep on the floor?” I ask.
Kenji nods. “Yeah,” he says. “Warner wasn’t wrong. It really is like a slumber party.”
I try to laugh.
Can’t.
Everyone gets busy setting up blankets on the ground. Winston, Brendan, and Ian take over one side of the room, Alia and Lily the other. Castle sleeps on the couch.
Kenji points to the middle. “You and me go there.”
“Romantic.”
“You wish.”
“Where does Adam sleep?” I ask, lowering my voice.
Kenji stops midway through
tossing down a blanket. Looks up. “Kent’s not coming back out,” he says to me. “He sleeps with James. Poor kid has really bad nightmares every night.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised and ashamed of myself for not remembering this. “Of course.” Of course he does. Kenji must know this firsthand, too. They all used to room together at Omega Point.
Winston hits a switch. The lights go out. There’s a rustle of blankets. “If I hear any of you talk,” Winston says, “I will personally send Brendan over to kick you in the face.”
“I am not going to kick anyone in the face.”
“Kick yourself in the face, Brendan.”
“I don’t even know why we’re friends.”
“Please shut up,” Lily shouts from her corner.
“You heard the lady,” Winston says. “Everyone shut up.”
“You’re the one talking, dumbass,” Ian says.
“Brendan, kick him in the face, please.”
“Shut up, mate, I am not kicking any—”
“Good night,” Castle says.
Everyone stops breathing.
“Good night, sir,” Kenji whispers.
I roll over so I’m face-to-face with Kenji. He grins at me in the dark. I grin back.
“Good night,” I mouth.
He winks at me.
My eyes fall shut.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Adam is ignoring me.
He hasn’t said a word about yesterday; doesn’t betray even a hint of anger or frustration. He talks to everyone, laughs with James, helps get breakfast together. He also pretends I don’t exist.
I tried saying good morning to him and he pretended not to hear me. Or maybe he really didn’t hear me. Maybe he’s managed to train his brain not to hear or see me at all anymore.
I feel like I’m being punched in the heart.
Repeatedly.
“So what do you guys do all day?” I ask, trying desperately to make conversation. We’re all sitting on the floor, eating bowls of granola. We woke up late, ate breakfast late. No one has bothered to clean up the blankets yet, and Warner is supposed to be here in about an hour.
“Nothing,” Ian says.
“We try not to die, mostly,” Winston says.
“It’s boring as hell,” Lily says.
