by Honor Gable
I can't fight the tears falling inside me. My entire body stiffens at the rips and tears I keep hidden from the outside. It's the worst kind of crying. When it hurts so much and is so private, you can't let out the pain.
The little faith and hope returned to me in the warm house with good food, disappears in the shadows of night, leaving only darkness and terror.
And I let it swallow me.
Audrey joins the dead haunting my sleep, her face turned into a ghastly skeleton, her voice joining the others asking why I didn't save them. Dorothy, the partisans, even the Germans I killed or watched die. Their taunts and questions and cries rise to a mass of screaming echoing in my head, shattering my brain. I'm lost in a sea of guilt and pain as I watch them die all over again.
And again.
And again.
My body shakes and I wake with a wheeze. Lois and Rivka clutch me on either side. My heartbeats slow and the tortured memories slip away, leaving me boneless and pliant. This time, the tears fall on the outside. They hold me so tight it hurts, but I welcome the pain providing comfort and soothing the loneliness. They help push away some of the shadows and ghosts until my body eventually calms and the leaking in my eyes shuts off.
I tilt my head and turn so I can see them. Rivka's eyes are red and wet, sorrow seeping from them. Lois's blaze with fury, but I know it's not directed at me.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, embarrassed they both caught me crying. I'm already the youngest everyone has to take care of. No need to prove it again and again.
Lois shakes her head, blonde tendrils wisping about her face. "Don't be. 'We need never be ashamed of our tears.'"
Lois quoting from Dickens surprises me. "He's one of my favorite authors."
"Mine too. He's an advocate for orphans after all."
"What did you dream about?" Rivka asks.
"The dead haunt me."
Rivka's brows furrow. "In your nightmares?"
They back away when I shift, curling my legs under me and wrapping the blanket around my shoulders.
"And sometimes when I'm awake. I can feel them, battering at me, watching me, blaming me." I rub the ache in my chest.
Rivka looks away, staring into the dark. "I see them too."
"Your ghosts?" Surprise causes me to drop my arms to my sides. She's always so strong and in control. I never would've guessed.
"Yes. The people I've killed or haven't been able to save. Every time I close my eyes, they're there." Her words echo my thoughts, shivering through me.
I shove the blanket off me, sweat breaking out over my skin. "I'm sorry."
Lois stays silent, listening to us both, but staring at her hands braiding pieces of straw.
Why am I so hot?
"I'm sorry too. We've all done things we'll have to learn to live with."
Lois snorts. "You two are looking at it the wrong way. You're acting like the pacifists ducking out of conscription back home, saying it's murder. War is nasty and ugly, but it isn't the worst way to die. For either side. Everyone who has died at our hands, has died well. Brave and fighting for what they believe in. It's an honor to die as a soldier fighting to change the world."
Her words clang within me as my heart eases and my brain tries to find holes in her logic. I wipe sweat from my upper lip.
Rivka smiles sadly and speaks, but her words don't reach me, the droning in my ears blocking out everything. I'm just so hot. And it feels like a panda sits on my chest. My hands cover my eyes and rub, trying to smooth away the ache pulsing through my head. Am I dying? Is the bracelet killing me? I grab at it, claw at it, desperate to rip it from my skin.
Rivka's worried face swims above mine, my arms trapped in her hands. My eyes squint to try to focus on her. "What's going on?"
It takes everything in me to rasp out my words. "I don't know. I think it's the bracelet. Help me."
Lois and Rivka's fingers fumble against my wrist, the stones yanking out of me with a sear of pain. I bite my lips against the scream, and wait out the waves of pain, crashing into me over and over, like the tide during a storm. Praying for it to end. To die. To slip away. Please God, help me.
The buzzing in my ears and the scorching fire racing through my veins fades bit by bit until I slump, my chest rising and falling with relief. My eyes open and my other senses return to me. They kneel before me, each of them clasping my hands.
I lick my lips and swallow to wet my mouth. "I'm all right."
Rivka snorts. "You are not all right. You're soaked through and the pain was so bad your screams didn't make any noise."
"I just meant the pain is gone. Once you took the bracelet off, it faded." I gasp. "Yours. Take them off now. It could happen to you too."
They let go of me and rip them from their arms, dropping them to the floor like they're venomous snakes.
"I noticed lately I'm able to move faster. Maybe I overdid it." My eyes focus past them, the streams of moonlight peeking through the window, casting a pale glow over us.
A string of curses makes my ears warm. "This is why they shouldn't have done this. Tried to play God. Just because M16 spies found out the Russians were experimenting with them too, England and America decided they needed to manufacture the same weapon." Spit flies from Rivka's mouth in her fury.
Shivers travel through me at being called a weapon. But that's what we are. An experiment. A weapon. A game.
And I didn't know the Russians had any of the meteorite.
"They threw us over here without nearly enough time to discover what exactly our powers do. And here we are, and you could have died if you were alone."
Lois rubs her chin. "Do you think we should experiment a bit on our own?"
THE MOON IS ALMOST full, but the night is cloudy so it's hard to see. We left the lantern behind to lessen our chance of being seen. This late everyone should be asleep, resting up for tomorrow's mission, but we can't take the chance. We slip around the back of the barn and into the trees, going another yard or so before we stop.
Lois goes first, disappearing in less than a blink. I squint, trying to make her out, but the darkness seems thicker than it normally is. Or she's already gone. Rivka and I wait for her for two minutes and Lois blinks back into sight, her eyes wide. "I went twice as far as I usually do. I was able to skip over shadows instead of traveling through each one." Normally, shadows for her are a little like hopscotch. She has to go in order, jumping one by one.
Rivka holds out her hand. "Try sharing your power and let's see if it's changed."
Lois grabs hold and they both disappear. I shift my weight back and forth, the sounds of the night more ominous when I'm alone. Rivka stumbles, eyes wide, when they reappear.
Awe thickens Lois's words. "I'm not shaking, and I was able to take her with me when I jumped shadows."
My stomach races with nerves and excitement. If our powers continue to grow, it means Audrey's will too. It means her chances of staying alive are even higher.
It's almost a minute before Rivka regains her sight.
And now it's my turn.
The awful and the terrifying and the hauntings and the nightmares stream along behind me, releasing me a little more with each footfall. And I experience pure joy and exhilaration as I circle Yvette's property. Everything is a blur as I race through the trees. I'm going so fast. I can't believe I haven't run straight into something. My powers rush through me, stronger than ever, sending me speeding through the forest.
Sight sharpens, letting me see everything with clarity, even spider webs dripping with moonlight. My feet sound like whipping winds instead of heavy steps. Somehow I miss the twigs and underbrush lying in wait to signal my approach. Somehow I'm able to duck and twist and dodge away from the branches wanting to slap me in the face or tangle in my hair.
When I hit twelve circles, I pop back to the girls. "Twelve." I'm not even out of breath.
Their eyes are enormous. "You were only gone five minutes. And we could barely see you and certainly couldn't t
ell you're a person."
"How long is the perimeter?" Rivka asks.
Lois snorts. "Around a mile I think."
My brows raise and I grip my stomach. Which isn't protesting with a raging hunger. I don't know whether to be terrified or thrilled.
Whatever happened to me, changed me. Changed us.
I refuse to dwell on the repercussions. What it will mean for my future after the war is over.
What it will mean if London finds out.
What it will mean for my body and health.
Right now, I choose to be grateful. It'll help me keep myself and the others alive.
And right now that's all that matters.
Lois cocks a brow. "Want to race? Around the property twice?"
My grin answers her and Rivka counts us off. The smile remains plastered on my face as I push myself harder.
Rivka jumps a bit when we show back up. At the exact same time.
"You were gone for forty-nine seconds."
This is madness.
With no announcement, Rivka's hands glow and she aims her energy at the bush in front of her. It shimmers with a sparkling yellow for a moment and then disappears. She frowns and aims at a small tree. Yellow coats the bottom two feet of the tree and we have to leap out of the way as it comes crashing down instead of disintegrating.
The tips of a few branches barely miss Rivka.
She stares down at her hands. "Why is mine acting the same?"
"Maybe because you haven't used yours as much. Lois and I have been using ours almost nonstop. Yours is so much more obvious you haven't had as many chances."
She sighs. "Well, that's frustrating."
"Are you sure you want to be able to do more? If yours grows you could level an entire forest." Or worse.
She grunts. "Maybe,"
With my adrenaline fading, the worries return. "London can never know about this."
They meet my eyes and answer together. "Hell no."
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
AUDREY
After a day spent with a twisting stomach, I hurry to our bunk. Henri is already there, half conscious and soft moans escaping from her. Guilt and violence shake my hands as I reach for her. I've thought about it all day.
Can I trust her?
It's my fault she's like this.
I'm going to fix her. Fix this.
She doesn't notice my presence, too wrapped up in the pain.
Please let this work.
I place my hands on her back and focus, my face flattening into lines. I probably look like I'm having a hard time relieving myself. Nothing's happening. Damn. I glance around, making sure no one's watching and take a deep breath. This needs to work before Nina and Lore return from the latrines. Thankfully, the lines are always long after appel.
I close my eyes and try again, the slightest sensation tingling through me. Furious tears clog my throat when I check her. Angry welts still cover her back.
Why isn't this working?
Voices press in on me, questions over what I'm doing trickling in. With a groan, I climb in beside her, careful not to jostle her. I rack my brain, trying to remember what I did with Theo. It was an accident and in the heat of the moment. But I was better fed then. Stronger. Life here has worn me to a shadow of myself. Even healing myself is taking longer than it used to.
I'm useless.
I take her hand in mine and bring it to my cheek. "I'm so sorry."
She doesn't answer me, still lost in pain and nightmares. I can't tear my eyes away from the marks on her skin. Ugly and oozing. Why did I have the stupid pencil with me? For a letter I'll never write, much less send? Why did she take the fall? If she knew what I could do, she wouldn't have been such a git. My eyes and throat and chest burn, a scream desperate to break free.
Lines of fire race across my back, and I almost allow the scream to escape. Henri's skin is smooth, nothing marring it but spots of blood. I bite my lip against the pain and fight to stay conscious.
It takes what seems like an hour for the pain to fade to a dull ache, and then to disappear completely. I probe my back with careful fingers, discovering raised scars. How are we going to hide this?
Henri stirs beside me, and I hurry to cover her up so her back isn't showing. And I lay flat on my back so she can't see the blood that's certainly on my clothes. Her eyes open, foggy with confusion. "When did you get here?"
"Few minutes ago. How are you feeling?"
She frowns. "Fine actually. I don't hurt at all." She reaches for her back and freezes. "What happened? Did I dream this morning?"
Her hysteria guilts me into giving her part of the truth. "It happened. I have some...experience in healing."
"Experience? This is more like witchcraft, not something you learned at medical school. Or from your grandmother's herbs."
"Can we just leave it at that? Please? And don't tell the others. Don't tell anyone."
Her mouth opens and closes like a fish, thousands of questions trembling on her lips. She grimaces. "Fine. I'll keep your secret and leave it. For now."
"Thanks."
It's all we have time for. Nina and Lore are back and asking how she's doing, wanting to look at her wounds. Henri would make an excellent actress.
"Oh, one of the other girls brought me some medicine and I'm feeling much better. Just already took a look at it and it's doing much better."
Nina raises a brow, but doesn't argue.
And I breathe a little easier.
CHAPTER FIFTY
VIOLA
Lois and I travel to the drop sight separately from the others. Xavier is paranoid, but he refuses to share over what. I guess since our powers are a little more helpful for this mission, he didn't want Theo, Axel, and the others getting the chance to see.
Hoping Lois will stop me if I veer away from the path, I let my body and subconscious take over.
My legs slow down before I realize I've reached the edge of the woods. I stumble to a halt barely in time, Lois appearing beside me with outstretched hands in case I didn't. There's no sign of the others, though I suppose that's a good thing.
We yank out our pistols, and take a moment to catch our breath.
Turns out, we don't need much of a break, our bodies straining to continue. With a couple hand signals and brow raises, we take off again, circling the perimeter of the field, checking for anything suspicious. Over and over, waiting for the others to arrive.
I almost don't believe it when we stumble upon Germans.
They've staged themselves almost right where we started. Why didn't we hear them arrive?
And there are our people, lighting up their lights.
It's hard to swallow as we ease back to a place we can talk.
"What are we going to do?"
She purses her lips in thought. "Let's try to end this before it starts." The roar of an engine cuts off the rest of her words, so she speaks louder in my ear as she explains her plan, her hand on my wrist taking away my sight.
It takes longer than usual for my sight to return once she releases me. Her powers are definitely growing.
Don't think about it.
Focus.
After a deep breath, I push off the ground with every bit of strength.
I'm a blur as I knock into the first Nazi, slamming the butt of my gun into the side of his head, and knocking his weapon to the ground. From the corner of my eye, I see his weapon rise into the air and vanish. The next one puts up a harder fight. He gets in a lucky shot, his fist grazing off my shoulder. It almost knocks me out of my speed. Instead, I use the momentum to spin and crash my elbow into his nose. It gives with a sickening crunch, and I bite back bile at the warm, wet blood soaking through my shirt.
The rest of the Germans are shooting and swinging blindly. It's amazing we aren't hit, but I'm glad of the ruckus because it'll give our people a chance to escape. Lois and I battle through the rest, her taking away their sight and I disable them.
They cry out in fear, scre
aming about demons as we bowl them over one by one until we're left with a pile of Nazis.
We meet back at the rendezvous point. Their vehicles.
Where, with utter glee, we slice tires and smash windows and cut wires under the hoods.
We dump their weapons in a thicket and race back to the farmhouse, needing to beat the others back so there's no suspicion we had anything to do with saving them.
WE'RE BOTH SHAKING and breathing hard once we're inside the barn. With slightly hysterical laughs, we collapse onto our makeshift beds, bits of hay flying up and floating back to the floor.
I'm bursting with things to say, but I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to bother. Rivka and Xavier will be back soon enough and we can talk then. My thoughts ramble around until they settle on home. I miss my family so much there's a constant ache. Right beside the one for Audrey. But the ideas I used to have about what I was going home for are hard to remember now. Rather like a faded photograph.
Can I really go back to being a maid in someone's house? I long for boredom and safety, but once I have it, will it be enough?
What do I want out of life now?
Images of Audrey back safe and the four of us racing about London helping people flashes through my mind.
I snort.
Lois frowns in question, but before I decide whether or not to explain, the door slams open. Rivka and Xavier rush in, stopping with relief clear on their faces at the sight of us.
"We were worried you wouldn't make it back in time. Xavier drove as slow as he dared." Rivka joins us on the hay, her eyes tired and drooping.
Xavier is all grim business as he paces along the floor. "What happened?"
I let Lois explain since he directed the question at her anyway and snuggle farther into the hay, a little of the tightness in my chest releasing. Memories and hopes swirl as pictures in my mind, melding into each other. Everyone I love together and happy. Nothing haunting us, no danger. All of us playing in the meadow I used to play in when I was small. In a place it's always the colors of sunrise. Where no rain or grey is allowed. Or tears or pain.
