by Sarah Delany
As I get to her porch, I place her feet down while I stand on the path so we are closer in height.
“Tamsyn,” I call to her, trying to wake her. Her sleepy eyes finally peel open taking me in.
“Hi,” she shyly says, as she wakes up more.
“Hi,” I say back. “You’re home now,” I inform her, and she looks behind her recognising her house.
“Thank you,” she quietly says, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“You’re welcome,” I tell her, with a smile on my face. “I better go, JP is waiting at the car,” I wistfully tell her. Her face drops, her bottom lip has a slight tremble and she hugs her arms around her waist.
“You okay?” I quickly ask, worried.
“Yeah, I’m okay, I should probably get some more sleep,” she says, trying to act like everything is fine.
I see through it but I don’t want to push her so instead I say, “Okay then. Goodnight Tamsyn,” and I start walking backwards slowly.
With a shaking voice she turns and whispers, “Goodnight Tate.” I halt watching her slow steps towards her door. She reaches her hand out to turn the knob but then has second thoughts and twists around knocking the air from my lungs. Her face is wet from tears streaming down her face and without thinking my feet are speeding towards her with outstretched arms. When I’m within reach she leaps into my embrace, wrapping her thin arms around my neck holding on so tight, like she’s scared she might blow away. Her legs automatically wrap around my waist. My arms enfold her to me as I run one hand down her head trying to soothe her.
“Shh it’s okay. Shh, shh, shh,” I soothingly say. I turn around and see JP get out of his car with a worried expression. I hold a hand up to him so he knows to give us a minute and he hops back in the car closing his door quietly. I sit down on the top porch step, with Tamsyn wrapped around me, her wet sobs soaking my shirt. I try to comfort her by stroking her head letting her know it’s okay. “I’ve got you. You’re alright,” I reassure her as I gently rock her in my arms. Her whimpers quieten and I release my hold on her to place a hand on each side of her head, gently forcing her to look at me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, staring at her tear stained cheeks. She looks so miserable, with her eyes looking down. “We’re friends now aren’t we?” I try to cheerfully ask her. Staring at me she nods with a faint smile. “Well friend, I’m not going anywhere. If you need me for anything I’m here. Got it?” I firmly tell her.
“Got it,” she softly replies.
“Are you going to be alright this time?” I question her.
“I’ll be fine now,” she reassures me, as she lets go and unhooks her legs from me. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she places one leg on the step and swings the other leg over me to stand.
I follow suit and stand in front of her then say, “In you go this time.” She smiles at me one last time as she turns her back to me. She hurries to the door like she might change her mind if she hesitates, opens it and is inside before I know it, closing the door behind her.
I drag my feet to the car, glancing back at her house a couple of times in case she comes back out. Opening the passenger door, I hop into the seat next to JP.
“She alright?” his concerned tone has me turning to look at him.
“I hope so man. She may appear like an Ice Queen to you but she’s not. Could you try to put your previous perceptions of her to the side for me please?” I plead with him. He studies me for a bit before he answers.
“Sure. For you, I can do that,” he says, holding out his fist for me to bump. He starts the car and pulls away from her house and I look back one more time before it is out of view.
Silence fills the air for a moment before JP can’t help himself by saying, “Let me say one thing bro, then I won’t say anything about her again.” I nod at him letting him know to proceed.
“She’s with Blake. They’ve been together for a year. I don’t want you getting your hopes up, thinking she will magically break up with him and run into your arms. I want you to be prepared in case it doesn’t go the way you’re hoping for. I’ve said my piece. I won’t say anything else.” I let his words soak in, knowing he’s right. It is a lot to expect her to break up with him and run to me. To choose me, who she’s known a short while, over someone she’s been in a relationship with for a year. Anyway, we are both so messed up. I don’t think it would be good for either of us to get into a relationship right now. Friends are all we can be, I’ve decided. There’s no way I can go back to how we were before tonight so friends will have to suffice.
“I want to be her friend, man. That’s all. Just friends,” I try to convince JP, as he parks in our driveway.
“Whatever you say,” he replies, in an unconvinced voice.
“Fine, I admit I want to be for her what I couldn’t be for Quinn. I can’t let history repeat itself.” He doesn’t respond, I don’t think he knows what to say. We head inside to the quiet house. As we open the front door, JP taps me on the shoulder.
“Anytime, you want to talk about Quinn, I’ll listen.”
“Thanks, man,” I say, and go to my room. I pull my phone from my back pocket to check the time. It’s nearly four in the morning and I’m exhausted. Kicking my shoes off, I unbuckle my jeans and drag them off throwing them in the corner. I grab the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head but catch a whiff of Tamsyn’s lingering scent. Letting go, I scrunch the front of my shirt and lift it to my nose for another smell. Taking a deep inhale and closing my eyes, it’s like she’s in the room with me. I decide to leave the shirt on and sleep in it. I switch on my bedside lamp; turn my room light off and then pull back the blankets and slide into bed, covering myself. I flick the lamp off and I’m cloaked in darkness. I breathe in deeply of my new favourite scent, and it’s with thoughts of Tamsyn in my arms I manage to lull myself into a dreamless sleep. For the first time in a long while, I sleep without haunted memories and am at peace.
Chapter 7
---Tate---
Sunday passed uneventfully. I did manage to figure out where to start with my English assignment so it was productive at least. Later in the day JP and I lay around on the couches playing on the Xbox. It helped take my mind off Tamsyn for a while but thoughts kept creeping in. I wondered what she was doing and how she felt about Saturday night. Did it mean as much to her as it did to me? I’m an idiot, I should have asked her for her digits then I could have set my mind at ease. I couldn’t wait to see her on Monday and anticipated what she would do. Are we friends now? All these unanswered questions plagued my mind.
When I arrive at English Monday morning, she is already seated in her usual spot at the back. I walk in and can’t help but look at her. She doesn’t see me enter as her focus is directed out the window. Her friends are busy laughing with each other to notice her lack of interest in their conversation.
“Hey man,” I greet Scott.
“Hey,” he replies, a bit more sullen than his usual chipper self.
“You good?” I ask.
“Still getting over my hangover. I’m never drinking again. Can’t remember half the night. I didn’t do anything stupid, did I?” he cautiously asks.
“You threw up next to the bonfire pit and had to be dragged in your house by JP and I. Otherwise, I think you were fine,” I tell him, laughing at his horrified expression.
Hanging his head in his hands he mumbles, “I’m never drinking again.” I pat him on the back, chuckling at his somber mood. Class begins and brings both our thoughts back to English instead of worrying about Saturday.
I get held up by Mr. Barnes after class, asking him for help with our essay question so when I walk into human bio, class had already started. I apologise to Ms. Chadwick as I enter. Hurriedly, I take my seat and notice something is off with Tamsyn today. She’s not lying down on her desk like she usually does. She’s agitated. Her right foot is tapping h
er chair making her leg shake. She’s restless in her seat, wriggling every so often like she’s trying to get comfortable but can’t. She’s tapping her fingers on her thigh. What has got her so strung out? She’s extremely focussed on something at the front of the class, she doesn’t notice me blatantly watching her. I take my focus off Tamsyn and glance in the same direction as she is. At the front of the class, there’s a couple of eyeballs in a glass container with ‘Dissection’ written on the board behind them.
It must be the eyeballs causing her to get worked up. As Ms. Chadwick continues talking, Tamsyn becomes more agitated. We are going to be discussing cow eye dissection today. Her leg is now shaking uncontrollably with her hand tapping in rhythm on her thigh. I want to calm her down so I instinctively grab her wrist on her thigh to stop her. She jolts from my touch and looks at my hand wrapped around her tiny wrist.
“Breathe Tamsyn, it’s okay. I’m here,” I whisper, so only she can hear. She visibly draws a breath into her lungs and raises her head to look at me. Pain is all I see. How can I take her pain away? “Don’t think Tamsyn, it’s what I do. Don’t think,” I whisper my motto to her. “Turn your brain off, push it aside and don’t think.”
“Don’t think,” she repeats, as she slows her breathing. After a couple minutes of her being more relaxed, I ease my grip on her wrist and break contact but startle her and she grabs my hand in hers. “Could you hold on a bit longer?” she pleads, her voice laced with sadness.
“Sure I can,” I say, softly smiling at her. I lace my fingers through her soft ones and hold her tiny hand in mine and move our hands against my thigh instead. I’ve calmed her down but her tight grip never softens. I think it’s her way of letting me know she’s not ready for me to let go yet. I’m fine with that. I cling to her hand and comfort her. I run my thumb back and forth over the back of her hand to try and calm her some more. Our hands safely hidden from view under the desk, no one else knows what’s going on except us. It’s nice to be in a bubble with her. And this is how we stay for the rest of the class. Tamsyn clinging to me like an anchor to keep her grounded and me selfishly not wanting to let go because when I do, the moment will be lost... like she is.
---Tamsyn---
His blue lifeless eyes. It’s all I see. I shudder. Seeing them took me back to the moment when I found him. I’d come home late from school, hanging out with Blake like I usually did after school. We were always too busy making out in his car to care about the time. As soon as I opened the door, it’s like my body could sense something was wrong. The hairs on my arms stood up sending a chill up my back. It was Thursday so my mum was working late at the office which wasn’t unusual. It meant she wouldn’t be home until late. Something in the air felt off though. Like the house was too quiet.
“Dad?” I called out. No answer so I walked down the hall to the kitchen. At first I didn’t see him, but feet sticking out behind the kitchen bench caught my eye. I ran to him and he’s slumped on his side. I shake him but he doesn’t answer me. “Daddy?” I plead with tears streaming down my face. I grab the home phone to call an ambulance and as the operator talks to me over the phone I stare at his blue unseeing eyes, and can tell there is no life left behind them.
A hot grip on my wrist brings me out of my trance and I’m back in human bio. My eyes find the source of heat and follow it upwards until I’m staring at concerned green eyes. Tate has a worried look on his face. He tells me to breathe. I can do that. I inhale deeply not realising I must have been holding my breath.
“Don’t think Tamsyn, it’s what I do. Don’t think,” he whispers. It’s what he does? Does he know something about my pain? He instructs me on what to do so I push the thoughts aside and focus on Tate instead.
“Don’t think,” I repeat. I stare at his emerald eyes and slow my breathing by studying his face. He has thick brows framing his eyes and are a couple shades darker than his light hair. Furrows on his forehead lead down to a crooked nose like it’s been broken before. Soft lips with the bottom lip hanging out a bit more in worry. His sculpted jaw makes his pointed chin stick out, with a dimple right in the middle of it. I’d never noticed these things about him before. Breathe Tamsyn, breathe I tell myself.
His grip on my wrist loosens and I get a flash of blue eyes so I grab hold of him tighter. I must look crazy to him but I beg him to hold on a bit longer as his touch keeps the thoughts away.
“Sure, I can,” he softly replies, smiling sweetly at me. With our fingers intertwined, he rests them on his thigh while his thumb absently strokes my hand. I focus on the strokes, repeating don’t think to myself and it’s how we stay for the rest of the class.
The ringing of the bell alerts me to the end of class. Ms. Chadwick lectured today and we were supposed to take notes. I didn’t want to let go of Tate’s hand so I didn’t get anything written down.
“Tomorrow we will pair up and start the practical part of the dissection and put our theory work to use so I hope you were listening today,” she tells us. Tate tugs my hand and I turn to face him. We are both still seated at our desk while everyone around us is packing up.
“Hey Tate, you coming man?” Rafe calls from the doorway, where he’s waiting with Scott.
“I’ll meet you guys there,” he yells back, turning to give them his attention. I look at the guys and they both glance at me, smiling they nod at Tate like they have some inside joke and walk away.
“You okay now?” Tate kindly asks me
“Yeah. Sorry. The eyeballs triggered something,” I explain, while staring at the desk, not able to look him in the eye.
“You don’t have to apologise for anything. I’m glad I was here to help. I’m happy to lend my hand any time you need it,” he says, lightly chuckling. I look up into his eyes and see the sincerity on his face and can’t help but smile back. Warm strokes glide across the back of my hand and it’s then I realise we are still holding hands. I freeze and he must see something on my face as he looks worried again.
“Tamsyn, don’t freak out. I’m going to let go of your hand now,” he says. I nod and he gently peels my tight grip away from his hand. I didn’t realise I was holding onto him so fiercely. Weird. I feel the loss of contact instantly, like he took all the warmth in the room with him. I wonder if he feels it too?
“Are you gonna be alright? Do you need me to walk you somewhere?” he asks me. I stare at him blankly, trying to remember what day it is and what I have next.
“What period is it now?” I ask him, having lost track of time.
“It’s third period now. Do you need me to take you? What have you got?”
He’s concerned again and I don’t want to bother him so I say, “No, it’s okay, I’m gonna get myself together a bit and then I’ll go. You can head off to your class now Tate. Honestly, I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl.”
“If you’re sure?” he questions, with the worried look still on his face.
“Yeah go ahead. I won’t be too far behind,” I tell him encouragingly, so he will go. He packs up his things, picking up his bag from the floor and putting his books into it. I place a big, fake smile on my face to show him I’m recovered and he returns it with a small smile of his own.
“See you later, Tamsyn,” he adds as he walks towards the door to leave.
“Tate?” I call out to him, making him turn around. He raises his eyebrows in question. “If we are doing the dissection tomorrow, could I, umm, borrow your hand again if I need it?” I suggest. Suddenly, his face transforms into the happiest I’ve ever seen him.
Beaming at me, he answers, “Anything you need Sweetness, I’m here.” And with that he swiftly opens the door and rushes off to class. Leaving me to ponder about the fact he called me ‘Sweetness’. I find my smile now isn’t so fake; it’s the first genuine one in a while.
I’m still shaken up so I collect my things slowly. There isn’t a class in here this period so I’m not ru
shed out of the room but I’m still not ready to go to my next period either. I glimpse at the clock on my way out and see I’ve already missed a quarter of the class. If I enter now, I’ll have to get a late slip so I might as well not go to class at all. Trekking down the quiet hall, I come to my new sanctuary which I use when I need to pull myself together. Pushing open the bathroom door, I check it’s empty. Dragging my feet to the last stall I enter, locking the door behind me. I hang my bag up on the hook, close the toilet lid and sit down pulling my legs up into my chest, hugging them tightly. Now all alone and unseen I fall apart. I let the images of my dad’s lifeless body pound into my head. There’s glimpses of him laughing and smiling but my mind always reverts back to when I found him lifeless on the floor. It’s the image that haunts me the most.
My overwhelming heartache consumes me in my quiet hiding place. My heart wrenching sobs are all that can be heard around me. I let it all out in hopes it will leave a void inside. I want to be numb again. I don’t want to feel. Lately the floodgates have been smashed open and I’m crying at every turn. Pressing the sides of my head with my palms trying to squeeze the images out of my mind doesn’t work. It’s getting harder to turn my numb switch on. My switch has started to glitch and I can’t control my emotions like I could before. They’re pushing to the surface, trying to get free and I’m struggling to keep them contained. Breathe, just breathe. I try to calm myself down but my sobs turn into blubbering hiccups. Focussing on my breath is not working. I will need to try something else. I hastily unzip my pocket, searching for what I need. Grasping it between my fingers I pull it out, unfolding it. There, staring at me is my star. Welcome thoughts of the boy who gave it to me fill my mind instead and slowly I am able to calm down. His bright green eyes, and lips turned up with perfect teeth, showing in a brilliant smile replace my tormenting thoughts. ‘Sweetness’ it’s what he’d called me. I focus on him and my heart is lighter.
