by Sarah Delany
We arrive back at JP’s house, and his mum and dad are there at the kitchen table eating breakfast. They have usually left for work by now so I suspect they want to talk to us.
“Boys,” my uncle Todd greets us.
“Hey,” me and JP say in unison. They put down their coffee mugs, giving us their full attention. Sharon turns to us and I can sense a talk is coming.
“First off, is Tanya’s daughter alright?” she asks, and we nod. “Good,” she says with a smile. “From what JP told me on the phone yesterday, it sounded like she needed your help. I’m glad you could be there for her and everything worked out.” We nod again not wanting to engage in talk about the situation. “Secondly, what happened to your face John?” she asks her son, taking in the bruising. It’s much more prominent after having the night to develop.
“I deserved it,” is all he says to her, and funnily enough she accepts the brief explanation, knowing how her son can be.
“Last question,” this statement comes from Todd, and he’s staring straight at me so I know I’m not going to like whatever is about to come out of his mouth. “Are you sure this girl is good for you right now Tate? From what I’ve heard about her, she sounds like Quinn.”
With the mention of the name I try to avoid at all costs, the air is squeezed out of my lungs and my ears block out all sound. My body takes me to my safe space of complete numbness. In this space I don’t think, I don’t feel. I don’t exist. It’s my body’s coping mechanism, protecting me from what hurts me most in the world so I block everything around me out. If I can block it out, it can’t hurt me. This is how I stay, until my mind senses it’s safe to come out. When I come out of the fog of numbness, I’m thrusted back into reality with three voices yelling at each other.
“What the hell, Dad?”
“Todd, we talked about it. You weren’t supposed to mention her.”
“I’ve got his best interests at heart. If this girl reminds him of her, it can’t be healthy for him to be so invested in her.”
“STOP!!” I scream at them. All three sets of eyes stare at me, anxiously waiting, not sure what I will do next.
“Tate,” my uncle says.
I push past him saying, “Don’t.”
On my way out of the room I hear JP say, “Leave it, Dad.” I go to the bathroom, strip Vince’s clothes off and get under the hot shower spray, turning it up hotter so it’s scalding my skin. I need the heat to burn my soul clean of all my pain, threatening to surface. I managed to keep it contained last night because JP told me to run. Tamsyn makes me feel what I don’t want to. For the life of me, I can’t bear to stay away from her though. I can handle it, can’t I? I stare at the wall, letting the water rain down on me. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think! I let the emptiness consume me again. Numb is what I need now. Numb keeps me safe.
Riding to school with the guys, I’ve managed to get myself into a state of detachment. I’m here but my mind isn’t; keeping the hurt at bay for as long as I need it. I know Tamsyn won’t be at school today so I don’t need to pull myself out of this state. I can cope better this way.
I’m distant all day. Going through the motions, letting my mind recover and take the rest it needs. I’ve made it all the way to lunch time without knowing what is going on, my body taking over for me. I’m in cruise control. I’m glad the guys haven’t pushed to know about my episode last night. It’s something at least. As we sit out in the sun in our usual seats, the guys’ voices drag me out of the haze back to the present.
“Did you get her number so you could check on her?” Rafe asks me, and I shake my head, forgetting I don’t have her number.
“Do you think she’ll be alright?” Scott asks me, and I know the others are staring at me too, gauging my reaction. They’re talking about Tamsyn.
“Yeah, I think she will be. We’ll be there to help her too, right?” I question them, hoping we are all on the same page when it comes to her.
“Definitely.”
“Sure.”
“Of course,” are the three answers I get from them.
“Has anyone mentioned her outburst yesterday?” I ask them, since I’ve been zoned out most of the day and haven’t paid attention.
“I’ve heard a few people talk about her and JP arguing but not about what was said so they can’t have been listening as intently as we thought,” Scott says.
“More people are talking about the fact Scott punched JP. Now they think there’s some weird love triangle going on,” Rafe says with a cheeky grin on his face, trying to contain his laughter. I chuckle at him and it has Scott and JP joining in too. They carry on cracking jokes with light banter through lunch distracting me. I miss Tamsyn though and having human bio next isn’t helping.
As the bell rings signalling the end of lunch, we clear our trays, say goodbye to JP and rush to the science labs so we’re not late. Entering the room and seeing her empty seat leaves me disappointed. I know she’s at home but it’s as if my heart still hoped she might magically appear. I take my seat as Ms. Chadwick informs us we are going to continue learning about the structure of the eye and all the functions. I grab my things out of my bag and psych myself up to pay attention. The least I could do is get notes for Tamsyn so she doesn’t miss out on too much. I flip my book open to the next blank page and what I see sends warmth straight to my heart. Tamsyn’s written her number, wanting me to have it. She must have done this Monday night when she had my book. The fact warms my heart more. I’ve worried about how she was all day so I wait no longer to text her. I grab my phone out of my pocket and programme her number into it, then text her.
Tate: Sweetness, u ok?
I hold my phone under my desk hoping she will reply straight away. After a few minutes with no reply, I switch it to vibrate and put it in my pocket so I won’t miss it if she does text. I’m distracted the whole class waiting for a text but still nothing comes through. It’s not until near the end of class when my pocket vibrates. Eagerness has me whipping my phone out post haste.
Sweetness: Hi Tate, u found my number? I’m ok. Just woke up from a nap.
I quickly type out a reply but another text comes through before I send it.
Sweetness: How’s school?
Tate: Yes, it was a sneaky but welcome surprise.
Tate: Would b better if u were here. Human bio not the same without u.
Sweetness: I will def b there 2moro :)
The bell rings for the end of class so I throw my stuff in my bag. As we maneuver down the halls, I let Rafe and Scott know Tamsyn left her number in my book, I texted her and she was okay. They’re happy to hear that. I won’t be able to text her back now though as Mr. Barnes has a no phone policy. I don’t want to risk my phone getting confiscated if he catches me with it. Not when it’s my connection to Tamsyn now.
I catch a ride home with JP and manage to last all through dinner and completing my homework before the urge to text Tamsyn wins. I don’t want to bother her too much, in case she’s sleeping, so decide to keep it sweet and simple.
Tate: Missed you today. Cant wait 2 c u 2moro. Dream sweet xo
Chapter 14
---Tamsyn---
After a good day and night’s rest, I wake up refreshed and I’m ready to get back to school. I need to fix this Blake situation. The sooner, the better. I don’t want to see him this morning so I text him not to worry about picking me up again. After telling him I was sick yesterday, all I got was one text saying okay. That was it. He’s not a good boyfriend. Not to worry, because today I am breaking up with him. No point in dragging it out any longer.
I spend a good twenty minutes in bed, giving myself a huge pep talk. At the end of it, I feel as though I could take on the world. It all comes crashing down when I put my uniform on, my mum washed for me. It’s the same uniform I had absently gotten into the shower with on. Realisation hits me, going
straight through my chest. I unzip my skirt pocket, holding onto the smallest glimmer of hope but the last shred quickly evaporates when I pull out clumps of mushed up paper. Tate’s star. My lifeline. It’s gone. I’d forgotten I had it in my pocket. I can’t believe it. I got in the shower with it in there and ruined it. I drop to the floor, clinging to the clumps. It’s ruined. Exactly how I feel; destroyed and beyond repair. Every time I take a step forward, instead of taking two steps back, I’m thrown backwards over a cliff, trying to cling on with my bare fingers to save me and pull myself to safety. When I think I might be safe, something comes along to take the safety away. Wet tears drip onto my carpet. I’ve lost another piece of myself. This was the first note Tate gave to me and now it’s gone. Sadness wells up inside me.
‘DING DING’ I hear a text notification sound come from my phone. It’s probably Blake replying to the one I sent. I crawl to my bedside table and grab my phone. My heart skips a beat at the name on my screen. Tate. I open the message:
T: Good morning Sweetness. Me and JP are waiting outside to give you a ride to school so whenever you’re ready :)
I stand up, wiping my tears away and stumble to the window and peek through my curtains. There’s JP’s car like he said. I quickly finish getting ready, walk into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. It’s blotchy but I’m hoping they won’t notice. Grabbing my things, I race down stairs and call out to my mum in the kitchen.
“I don’t need you to give me a ride now, Mum. Tate and JP are outside waiting for me,” I tell her.
“That’s wonderful dear. Glad you’ve got great friends like them,” she says, with a huge smile on her face.
“Bye Mum,” I say, waving as I rush out the door, closing it behind me. As I get to the car, I notice Tate isn’t in the passenger seat next to JP, he’s sitting in the back by himself.
“Come sit by me,” he calls to me through his open window. Opening the car door I hop in next to him.
“Hi,” he says, when I look up at him.
“Hi,” I shyly reply back.
“Hey Tamsyn. You feeling a bit better today?” JP asks, from the front seat as he pulls away from the curb.
“Yeah a little” I tell him. But the all too perceptive Tate knows something is wrong. I’ve buckled myself in by the window so he buckles himself into the middle seat, wanting to be close to me and to offer us some privacy. He doesn’t want JP to hear us over the music. He grasps my chin pulling me to him and he doesn’t have to ask. I can see the question in his eyes along with his concern.
“I’m okay,” I tell him. And because there’s something about him which makes me blurt the truth without meaning to.
“You remember the star you drew for me? I ask, and he nods in reply, waiting for me to continue.
“Well I had it in my pocket the other night when I...when ...umm got in the shower.” I stammer, as I don’t want to burden him with those memories again. Understanding crosses his face.
“Is it ruined?” he asks, and my lips quiver as I nod. “Hey. It’s alright. I’ve got an idea,” he says, as he’s digging in his bag for something. Pulling out a black pen he grabs my hand, twisting it and drawing on it below my thumb. It tickles as he makes the little marks.
It doesn’t take long at all and as we are pulling into the car park he says, “Done.” He turns my hand over for me to see and there staring back at me is my star, shrouded by darkness but this one is different. One edge of the star is not connected and there’s no darkness surrounding it. It’s not a big gap at all but big enough to notice. I raise my brows and he smiles wide, leaning so close to my ear I can feel his warm breath and says, “It’s where you start letting the light in, little one.” My heart melts into a puddle on the car floor. Could he be any more perfect? A single tear escapes my eye and he brushes it gently away from my face saying, “That’s plenty of tears for today. You’ve got this,” giving my hand a gentle squeeze before we exit the car.
Breathe. You’ve got this. Breathe. I tell myself as I walk the halls avoiding people’s eyes, staring at the ground. I check my phone to see what the time is and notice the icon says I have an unread message. I scroll through until I find it. It’s from Tate. It says it was sent last night when I was sleeping. There must have been a delay in me receiving it. His sweet message gives me a burst of energy and I am ready to take on the day. I can do this.
The day is uneventful until lunch time. No one has said anything to me about the other day. It’s obviously not big news or else they’ve got something more exciting to talk about. Tate said he would see me at lunch time, if I’d like to sit with them. I didn’t hesitate; I told him I would be there.
I’m lined up, grabbing a tray when I hear a familiar voice say, “Hey T, haven’t seen you much today. How’s it going?”
“Hey Scott, I’m doing the best I can. How are you?’ I say with a smile, at his little nickname he has for me now.
“I’m good. Do you wanna walk with me outside? I think the guys are already out there, stuffing their faces like usual.”
I laugh as I say, “Yes, please.” I grab my usual sandwich and apple but the chocolate muffin was so good the other day, so I grab one of those too. Tate will be proud of me.
Scott, carrying his overflowing tray, is beside me as we start walking to the door leading outside when I hear, “Tammy,” being called. I turn in the direction it came from. It’s Blake. Ugh. Seeing his face makes my blood boil.
I turn back to Scott quickly saying, “Wait for me,” as I march towards Blake’s table.
Leyla’s screeching voice pierces me to my core when she wails loudly, trying to cause a scene, “Ewww please don’t tell me the rumours are true and you’re getting it on with Snotty Scotty over there,” and it’s all I need to erupt at her.
“Firstly, his name is Scott, you bitch. You don’t need to make fun of him, to make yourself feel better,” I scream loud enough, the whole cafeteria has gone silent. Everyone looks our way, intrigued to see what will happen next. She tries to talk but I hold up my hand in her put off face, halting whatever she was going to say.
“Secondly, he’s been a better friend to me in the last few days than all of you have been to me in years,” I address the whole table, spinning my finger around to indicate all of them. Leyla, Chloe, Parker and Blake. They all sit there in stunned silence.
“Thirdly, Blake, this one’s for you. You and I are done. We haven’t been a proper couple in ages so let’s put a pin in it and pop this shit show we call a relationship.”
“Tammy?” He stares at me confused, not knowing what the hell is happening. I started going off at Leyla then turned on him.
“Lastly,” I add, “If I am with Scott, it’s none of your business. I can tell you, he would be a total upgrade from you.” And with that, I move to stand next to Scott who’s grinning ear to ear, enjoying me putting them in their places. To hammer the final nail in the coffin so Blake can’t try and pull off the good guy act anymore, I turn back to them.
“Oh, and I heard congratulations are in order on your three month anniversary Leyla and Blake. So congrats.” I spin around, addressing the whole shocked cafeteria and a pale Leyla and Blake, “My dad dies and you start screwing my best friend.” There’s more than a few oohs and sharp intakes of breath at the juicy piece of information. “So screw you all. We are done.” I add, turning on my heels and march out the door to my new friends with the gleeful Scott, hot on my trail.
My hands are shaking as I sit down, with the three unaware boys who didn’t witness my outburst. Scott sits there with the stupidest grin on his face, so it isn’t long before they are asking him what he’s so chuffed about.
“You guys missed the greatest show ever. Tamsyn kicked some serious butt,” he tells them enthusiastically.
“What happened?” All three of them direct their questions at me.
“Before the incident
in the car park the other day, I overheard Leyla tell Chloe how she’s been seeing Blake behind my back for the last three months,” I inform them. Tate and JP jump up ready for a fight.
“That piece of shit, I’ll kill him,” Tate says enraged, and he’s half way back to the door before I get to him. Blocking his way and putting both my hands on his arms, I put all my strength into pushing him so he will stop. He looks down at me breathing hard, trying to calm himself down.
“Hey, it’s fine. I took care of it. I broke up with him and dumped my useless friends in the process,” I tell him.
“They’re your friends though. They should have treated you better,” he says, still angry.
“Honestly, they were pretty useless friends. Like I said, you guys have been way better friends to me in the last few days than they have in years, so don’t sweat it. I have you now. I mean I have you guys; all of you. So I don’t need them,” I stumble over my words, while my face turns bright red. This has Tate grinning happily as he tries not to laugh at what I said. He leans in and lowers his voice so the guys can’t hear him.
“Yes, you do indeed have us. I mean, you have me,” he says, staring at me dead in the eye, with the perfect smile of his.
“Let’s go sit down now,” I quietly tell him, and he leads us back to our table.
As we sit down Scott says, “So T here, pretty much told everyone me and her are a couple.”
“What?” Tate screeches loudly. His outburst draws our attention to him and we can’t help but laugh at his shocked expression.
Scott lets him in on what was said, “She was defending me, man. Told them I’d be a way better upgrade than Blake.” Which has the whole table laughing again. Then behind his hand, like he thinks he’s being discreet but he’s being blatantly obvious, he says to Tate, “Don’t worry, we all know whose girl she is.” He gives Tate a couple of winks, for good measure. I swear my face burns up more. I want to crawl under the table and hide. Tate gives me a shy smile which I can’t help but return.
