by Sarah Delany
---Tate---
The vibration from my pocket has me distracted for a minute. Who could be calling me while I’m at school? I pull my phone from my pocket. It’s my dad calling. I still don’t want to talk to him, but I remember the day I didn’t answer his call and what it did to Tamsyn. I lift it up towards me and swipe across to answer it. As I’m raising the phone to my ear, I catch sight of JP running towards me with utter devastation on his face. What’s wrong with him? In a split second, I feel it in my gut. Unease settles in my stomach like a storm is coming my way ready to blow everything away and I’m stuck right in the middle of its path unable to move an inch.
“Hi Dad,” I say, as I watch in slow motion as JP struggles to get to me. My dad talks to me but two words are all I hear. Those two words change my life. They shatter me. I thought I was living in darkness before but those two little words have thrown me into a vortex with no end in sight. I’m falling with nothing to catch me. My world has stopped. Everyone around me moves but I am still. I can’t hear. My phone slips through my fingers drifting away from me. The tray of food crashing on the floor along with it. My survival mechanism is in overdrive. It’s never had to perform this hard before and I think it has broken itself with the extra pressure to keep me safe.
JP is bent down in front of me but I can’t hear him. Why is he bent down? When did I get on the ground? Wasn’t I standing? People are rushing around me. Why are they rushing around me? Why can’t I hear them? I feel as if I’m in an invisible bubble cut off from everyone else. It’s quiet here. My bubble doesn’t have much oxygen though. My throat is tight. I can’t breathe. I’m going to suffocate. I scratch and claw at my throat hoping it will help rip it open so I can get some air into my lungs. I suck in short sharp breaths. I can’t slow them down. I’m too far gone this time. As the world turns black, I see tortured blue eyes staring at me and my last thought is I want the blackness to swallow me and never release me. Those blue eyes can save me now.
I’m numb. People talk around me but I still can’t focus on their voices. I’m scared if I let their voices in, I’ll let the pain in along with it and that can’t happen. It will destroy me. I peel my eyes open, I don’t know when I closed them. I’m lying down now too. I don’t know how that happened or how long I’ve been in this position. Why are the guys looking so sad? Are they talking to me? I can’t comprehend what they’re saying. I sit myself back up slowly. I am broken. My shattered pieces have splintered yet again and this time I think they’re too damaged to put back together. Who am I kidding? They weren’t put back together properly the first time. I duct taped them up. But over time, the tape has gotten loose and come undone. It’s unwound piece by piece and left them dangling by a thread ready to fall at any time. Those two words ripped the tape to shreds and slashed the pieces right along with it.
Peaceful. It’s what I think of my new found bubble. Haven’t I been seeking peace this whole time? Embracing the numbness to keep myself safe. I think I’ve gone too far in that direction this time though. I don’t think I can come back from this hollowness. Nor do I want to. I’m safe here. Safe in the quiet. Safe in the bubble. Safe being neutral with no feeling. Can I stay here forever? JP slaps my cheek gently. Why is he doing that? I’m not here JP. I’ve gone far, far away. You can’t reach me no matter how hard you slap me so what’s the point? I’m safe where I am. I will not come out. Nothing can drag me out. I can’t remember what’s sent me into hiding but it can’t be good. If it was good, my body wouldn’t have sent me away, would it?
My vision is becoming blurry. What is wrong with my eyes? Why can’t I see clearly? Everything is hard to see now. Watery blue eyes are staring at me. Why are they looking at me? They’re distressed. Tears are streaming down her face but I don’t understand why. What’s making her cry? I hope I can stay here forever. Not feeling anything. Not hearing. Not being.
Why is she cupping my face? I’m staring at her but I don’t understand. I can’t hear what she’s saying. Her lips are moving but I can’t make out the words. The void has swallowed me like I wanted and I don’t want it to release me. My mind has shut down, stopping the attack on my heart. It needed to protect my heart. It can’t be good whatever it is. Sweetness. My best friend. My distraction. I forget what she was distracting me from.
She can’t take it anymore. She climbs into my lap wrapping her legs around my waist and strangling my neck with her forearms. She’s squeezing me too tight. I can’t move though. Can’t hold her. My brain and heart don’t compute at the moment. I’m fried. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with her in my lap. My fingers twitch as if they remember something they want to do with her in this position but my brain won’t tell my arms to move.
A familiar scent tickles my nose. What is it? It travels through my nose into my lungs. Oh no, it’s broken me. I’m gasping for air again. I dig my nose into her neck breathing her scent in hoping to calm myself but it doesn’t work. I cling to her small body hoping she can save me from this pain. My glass heart has hit the floor and a million shattered pieces surround me. There’s no way I will ever put them back together now. What is the awful noise? My hearing is slowly coming back to me but I don’t think I like this sound. It pains my heart to hear it. It’s rattling my soul. Please someone turn the sound off.
“Sshh, Tate. I’ve got you,” the soothing sound of Tamsyn’s voice is a small reprieve from the gut wrenching sound. The cotton wool still blocks my ears so I can’t find the source. It’s getting closer though. My senses are coming back to me. Can someone shut up the noise, please. The pain of it is piercing through my soul.
Too late. My senses have returned enough for me to realise it’s me causing the god awful noise. My gut wrenching cries surround me and as my brain turns back on, my heart gets pieced back together and then shatters all over again as I cry out in pain for my Quinny.
Chapter 21
---Tamsyn---
My heart hurts for Tate. As I held him in my arms his heart wrenching sobs tore through me. It hurt to hear him in so much pain. It was as if he was dying himself. He couldn’t calm himself down so I stayed on his lap holding him together the best I could. JP’s parents arrived and they looked as wrecked as JP did. I didn’t understand what was wrong with Tate until JP told me Quinn died. He never got his miracle. Never got to say goodbye. I know how that feels. It nags at you constantly. It’s a moment you never had but you want so badly. A moment you keep chasing but you can never catch because the moment isn’t possible anymore. It doesn’t exist. So the pain in your heart expands, until it takes over and gets flooded with guilt. You should have known. You should have called them or been by their side. How could you know their final breath would be their last? I don’t know. I don’t think it’s possible but the guilt is still there. Eating away at me because I should have been there in my dad’s last moments. Knowing Tate, he will most likely be the same. He was already drowning in guilt over not paying attention to Quinn’s pain before. I hate to think what is going through his mind now. Will he survive this?
He didn’t register his aunt and uncle were there. I had looked over at Rafe and Scott and their faces contained so much worry for Tate. He was broken on the floor. He had collapsed from the shock. Luckily Rafe had caught him before he hit the ground, breaking his fall. With the help of his dad, JP had hoisted Tate up after I removed myself from his lap. As soon as I stepped away from him, his sobs quietened and the vacant look had returned to his face like he wasn’t there anymore. He looked like a zombie. With his arms thrown over their shoulders, they’d led him away from the cafeteria, taking him home.
The bell signalling the end of school is ringing and I wander out to the car park. JP left with Tate so I don’t have a ride home. I catch sight of Rafe and Scott coming towards me.
“Come on T, let’s walk home,” Scott sadly says, as he takes my hand. I like how he’s trying to comfort me but his hand is wrong in mine. It’s not the hand
that belongs in my grip. I hold on tight though, needing someone to help me keep it together. We walk in silence through the streets, all of us absorbed in our own thoughts.
“Do you think we should go check on him?” Rafe asks, breaking the silence. I stare at his crestfallen face not knowing what to say. I desperately want to see Tate and cradle him in my arms but I’m also scared. Scared of seeing the blank expression on his face and not knowing how to help him.
“We should give him some space to be with his family,” Scott suggests. I let my fear take control and agree with Scott so I don’t have to face it.
The boys kindly walk me home. They said they would meet me at my house tomorrow morning a bit earlier so we could all walk to school together again. We don’t expect JP and Tate to be there. I’m guessing Tate will fly home for the funeral. As I open the door to my house, I can’t hold myself together and I fall to the floor. My mum hears my cries and comes racing towards me holding me in her arms and in between sobs I tell her what happened. I’m not sure how long we sit there on the floor in the entryway to my house but mum doesn’t make me hurry. She lets me be until I’m ready to move.
“I might go take a shower Mum. Clean myself up a bit,” I tell her, as I trudge towards the stairs.
“It’s a good idea, love. I’ll put dinner on while you do that, in case you get hungry,” she says, as she turns to go into the kitchen. I drop my bag in my room and continue on to the bathroom. I yank my shirt over my head and unstrap my bra, dumping them both on the floor. I kick off my shoes and peel off my socks, then unzip my skirt and remove the safety pin letting it fall to the floor along with my underwear. I step into the shower turning it on, not caring the water is cold at first. I let the water wash away my tears with it as I crumble to the ground. Unable to hold myself up anymore and letting my grief take over. Grief for Tate’s loss and grief for my dad. It all consumes me and I stay under the water until my tears have run dry.
I manage to pick myself up, wrap a towel around me and shuffle back to my room. Without putting on clothes, I climb into bed in my towel feeling exhaustion take over. I close my eyes, hoping I will drift off to sleep for a moment, needing a minute to breathe.
---Tate---
The numbness switch is easier to flick on now. I think I’ll keep it on this time. It hurts too much when it shuts off. Tamsyn caused it to turn off. She makes me feel when I don’t want to. I need to be numb now. Unfeeling. If I feel all this pain boiling inside, I don’t think I will recover from it. How can I when my other half has gone from this world? Am I still a twin now my twin has gone? Do I still have a sibling if people ask or am I now an only child? How easily two became one. Now I’m half of a whole. If I let myself feel this, I will shatter. How can I put myself back together, when the other half of me has gone forever?
My dad was going to hop on a plane and come get me, but I convinced my uncle I could get on a flight tomorrow by myself. I’d be fine. So he conveyed my message to my dad. I’ll be fine as long as I stay numb. I should never have left Quinn. I should have stayed by her side. I should have been there. The nightmare I had a few nights ago comes back to me. Was it Quinn’s way of saying goodbye to me? Did she know she was going to die? Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. Thoughts cause you distress and this agony, you cannot handle.
Time escapes me. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I can hear JP and his parents talking outside my door, wondering if they should come in to check on me. They decide JP should come in alone, so he knocks softly on the door before he opens it, letting himself in. He sits on the end of my bed, not saying a word. It’s a first for him. I don’t think it will be long until the silence gets to him. He surprises me by lasting longer than I thought. He doesn’t know what to say. I don’t think there’s anything I want to hear. Nothing can make it better.
“You okay, bro?” There he goes, I knew he couldn’t handle the silence too much longer. I turn my gaze his way and he must see the answer written on my face because he drops his eyes to the ground.
“Have you heard from Tamsyn?” he asks, and the sound of her name has my heart picking up speed. I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t let her in. I won’t. She weakens my survival mechanism. She makes it faulty. Blue eyes flash behind my tightly shut lids then they switch to green eyes. It’s like they are one and the same. Two broken girls I couldn’t fix. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. I press my palms firmly to my eyes trying to erase the images. I can hear my once relaxed breath increasing again. Damn it. Not now. JP is shaking my arm trying to get my attention.
“Tate?” he yells at me, trying to draw me back to him. I try to quiet the thoughts working their way in. “Mum? Dad?” he calls, and his voice is already fading as my panic attack takes hold. He has his phone to his ear now but I can’t hear what he’s saying or to who. The numbness in my hands arrives and tingling shoots up my arms. It won’t be long now. It doesn’t matter who he’s talking to as the darkness is creeping in on the edges of my vision, soon it will take me.
---Tamsyn---
My phone ringing draws me from my sleep. I stumble over to my bag by the door and fish it out before the caller hangs up. It could be Tate. I answer without looking at the caller ID.
“Tate?” I ask.
“Tamsyn, it’s JP.” I let out a breath at it not being who I thought.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
“No he’s not. Could I come pick you up and bring you to him please?” he pleads, like he thinks I might deny him.
“Of course. I’ll get changed,” I tell him.
“I’ll see you in a minute,” he says, and I hear his car starting before he hangs up the phone. I rush to my dresser, grabbing the first clothes I lay my fingers on not caring at this point what I put on. My first thought is I need to get to Tate. After I’ve got clothes on, I run to my mum’s room and explain to her where I’m going.
“Ring me if you need anything please,” she tells me, as I hurry down the stairs and out the door. JP is pulling up near the footpath as I close the door behind me. I hop in the car and he pulls away, while I fiddle with my seat belt, trying to buckle it.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, as he’s in such a hurry and the expression on his face isn’t good.
“He’s been in his room since we got home from school. When I went in to talk to him, it sent him into another panic attack,” he tells me. He pulls up to his house and we jump out. I’ve never been inside JP’s house before so I’m nervous for a moment before my need to see Tate overrides every other emotion. He swings the door open and I follow his quick steps into a lounge area and down a hallway. He enters an open door and talks to his mum and dad who are standing there. They all move to the side and I catch a glimpse of Tate lying curled up on a bed with his eyes closed. He looks like he’s sleeping.
“Tate,” I say to myself, as my body takes over and leads me to his side. I crouch down in front of him and wipe his hair off his face. He stirs and slowly wakes.
“Sweetness?” he questions, as if he’s unsure I’m here.
“I’m here. It’s okay,” I try to soothe him, but as I’m looking into his eyes, I see the exact moment something in him changes.
He pushes his palms into his eyes screaming, “No, no, no.” His breathing is speeding up and I can tell he’s on the verge of another panic attack.
“Tate,” I call to him, as tears stream down my face, my heart breaking as I watch my sweet boy suffering.
“I can’t, I can’t. No. I won’t,” he’s mumbling now, not making sense.
“What is it Tate? What’s wrong?” he stabs me in the chest with his response.
“You. It’s you. I can’t do this. I can’t be around you. You make me hurt too much, make me feel too much.” He tucks himself into a ball and is rocking back and forth. I’m hurting him? I want to help him. How can I be making his pain worse? T
hen it dawns on me. He told me he saw Quinn’s pain in me. It’s what drew him to me. He saw Quinn in me and now she’s gone and I’m a reminder of her. I’m drowning him without meaning to.
JP places his hand on my shoulder and asks quietly, “Maybe I should take you home Tamsyn?” Rivers of tears roll down my cheeks.
“Tate?” I beg. He stops his rocking and is still for a few moments. When he raises his head, I know he’s cut himself off from me. He’s gone again. His eyes blank. There’s no hurt behind them, no life. He stares at me then slices my heart in two.
“I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m going home and I’m not coming back.”
“What?” Both me and JP say in unison, both in shock at his admission he’s leaving for good.
“I’m no good for you Tamsyn. You’re better off without me. I’m no one’s saviour.” It’s a sucker punch to the gut when I hear my name on his lips, and not the use of ‘Sweetness’. I don’t know how to help him.
“Tate, it’s your grief talking. You don’t mean that,” I try to reason with him.
“Bro don’t do this,” JP tries to talk to him on my behalf, but I can tell it’s no use. He sits there with his wall firmly in place, with his mind made up about me. There’s nothing I can say to change his mind, I know this from my own experience with my grief. My heart cracks knowing I’m not strong enough to save us both. I’ve been where Tate’s been. The void. The hollowness. I’ve barely managed to claw my way halfway to the top of my own darkness and still there’s days where I plummet to the bottom, having to climb my way back up. I selfishly can’t save us both but I can stop him from hurting more.
With tears streaming down my face, I break both our hearts by saying, “I can’t shine enough for the both of us Tate. I see you need to be hollow right now to survive. I more than most understand but please don’t let the shadows consume you. There’s going to come a day when someone will offer you a lifeline, please take it. Let them save you like you saved me. Remember to shine, Tate.”
