by Laura Kaye
“Assuming you perform well on those, we’d have you attend one of our upcoming Prospect Days where you’d take the physical ability test, complete the screening process, along with fingerprinting, a polygraph, and medical and psychological evaluations.”
All SOP—standard operating procedure. “Understood.”
“It can then take anywhere from a few days to a month for the entirety of your application to be reviewed.”
A month. A rock took root in Jesse’s gut. But it was better than no chance at all. “Yes, sir.”
“To get just a little ahead of ourselves, our Experienced Officer Transition Program is an accelerated training at the Metropolitan Police Academy. Next one starts in April so this is opportune timing for the upcoming opening. There are separate SOD trainings you’d need, but those could be performed concurrently with an assignment to both the special tactics branch or the bomb squad.”
Okay, the fact that Officer Landers was talking about these assignments as if they were likely placements felt like more reason to hope. Didn’t it? Fuck, Jesse was almost restless with the need to get all of this underway. “I’m eager to get the process started as fast as I can.” Understatement of the damn century right there.
The officer stood and extended his hand. They shook. “Then they’ll see you Wednesday at the testing center.”
Now all Jesse had to do was nail every one of these tests like they were an op and his life depended on it.
Because to him, it did.
* * * *
Jesse had been acting weird the past few weeks. Tara couldn’t put her finger on why, but he hadn’t been himself.
He’d missed random days of work. Seemed pensive one minute, and unusually talkative the next. Snuck glances at her like he’d done during their first week working together, back when they were trying to stay away from each other even though they’d just been a collision waiting to happen.
A fatal collision if the way her heart hurt was any indication.
It’d been almost three weeks since that awful conversation in Jesse’s garage. Of course, Tara was doing what life required of her, but losing any chance at all with Jesse felt a whole lot like she was dragging around a lead blanket on her back. One that kept pressing her down and down.
God, falling in love sucked. The heart wanted what it freaking wanted whether it could have it or not. While she’d thought her one-night stand to be fun, this she could live the rest of her life without.
Which was why she was glad that today was Warrior Fight Club. Beating the shit out of something was exactly what she needed, even if the relief it provided would only be temporary. And it would only be temporary—she knew that. Because in the weeks since she’d pulled out of Jesse’s garage, the life she’d previously led no longer made her happy. In the wake of falling in love and getting her heart broken, she often felt lonely and unsatisfied, like there was more she could be doing. Should be doing.
She hated feeling that way when she had a good job, enough of the things she needed, and friends in the club. She should feel grateful for all she had. And she did, of course. But…
Something needed to give.
Tara just hadn’t figured out what it was yet.
So she went to fight club and found herself both relieved and disappointed that Jesse wasn’t there.
“Pair off,” Coach Mack called out after they’d warmed up.
Tara looked for Dani, but she’d already partnered with Noah. Sean held up his hands and grinned at her. “It’s your lucky day.”
Tara laughed despite herself. “Go easy on me.”
“Oh, sure, and then you’ll kick my ass and what will that do for my rep?”
She rolled her eyes and paid attention to Coach as he spoke again.
“We’re going to practice choke holds and joint locks. One of you will be the mount, and your goal is to put your opponent in a hold and keep him there, finishing the fight. The other of you will be the guard, looking to escape the hold, which passes the guard, or reverses your position with the mount. Colby and Hawk will demonstrate different joint locks and then you’ll take turns practicing them.”
Tara groaned when Colby demonstrated with the ankle lock, because it relied on upper body strength, and next to Sean she had no chance.
“Mount or guard?” Sean asked.
She smirked at him. “This is a David-and-Goliath situation here.”
He smirked back. “Yeah, doofus, but David won.”
She appreciated the sentiment. “Okay, I’ll mount then. Might as well start out on top.”
They sat on the floor facing each other, and Tara pinned Sean’s big-ass foot under her arm pit, using her grip on Sean’s shin and the tight press of her arm to try to trap his foot. “Hold on,” she said, adjusting her grip for a tighter hold.
“There you go,” Sean said, tugging and twisting.
Tara held on tight as Sean attempted to break the hold, gritting her teeth as her grip started to slip. Still, she held on.
“See, T? You’re tougher than you think.”
She tried it a few more times, and she had to admit that it felt good to no longer be the newbie here. Her skills had improved a lot since she’d joined early last summer. Even when she got beat, she usually knew what mistake she’d made.
Annnd of course that felt like a life lesson. Tara sighed.
“Okay, my turn,” Sean said, grabbing her ankle.
“Dude, your biceps are crazy. Like, if you flexed hard enough, that thing could snap my ankle.”
He chuckled. “You ain’t that fucking fragile.”
She rolled her eyes, and he made her pay for it by twisting her leg, which forced her hips to rotate and made her roll onto her side. “Okay, asshole,” she said, laughing.
The next two holds Tara enjoyed more, even if for different reasons.
She was much better than Sean at the straight armbar because she was more flexible and her smaller stature made her more agile, but she was no competition at all against his rear naked choke. Worse, he was so bulky and she was so short that it was hard to get her legs around the front of his to fully hook him into the hold. They’d both ended up laughing.
When they were done, Sean held out a hand and pulled her off the floor. “Good working with you.”
“Thank you for not breaking me.” She withdrew her hand.
But he held on and cocked his head. “You doing okay, T?”
“Yeah, why?”
His gaze lingered on her face until she almost wanted to squirm. Finally, he let her go and shrugged. “I don’t know. Just a feeling.”
Gah, she wasn’t sure she could take the big lug being sweet. Her heart was too fragile for that right now. But she also didn’t want to blow him off. “Well, your radar isn’t wrong, but I’ll be okay.”
He gave a nod. “You know where to find me.”
“At the firehouse?” The guy was well known for picking up overtime, so it was a safe bet.
Grinning, Sean nodded. “Almost always. But you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, thanks,” she said, really appreciating him looking out for her.
The rest of WFC passed in a bit of a blur. Tara just wasn’t into it the way she usually was. She knew she was in a bad place when beating on things didn’t make her feel better. For crap’s sake.
Tara was almost relieved when it was time to clean up. While she showered, Dani told her about how her boss at work was trying to pressure her into a promotion that came with a lot more responsibility but almost no additional pay, and Tara was glad to have someone else’s problems to focus on. “How can that be fair?” Tara asked.
“It isn’t,” Dani said from the neighboring shower stall, “which is why I turned him down.”
“How did that go over?” Tara asked as she rinsed. She shut off the water and grabbed her towel.
A rueful chuckle sounded from Dani’s stall. “He acted like I’d said I wanted to think about it.”
“In other words, he’s
going to keep bugging you.” Tara wrapped a second towel around her wet hair.
“Exactly.” Dani’s water shut off, and soon they were at their lockers in the same little hall getting dressed. “How come Jesse and Jud didn’t come today?”
The question hit Tara right in the gut. “Oh, uh, I don’t know.”
Dani frowned. “Huh.”
Don’t ask, don’t ask, don’t ask. “What does that mean?”
Stepping into her jeans, Dani shrugged. “I guess I just thought you and Jesse were close.”
Now Tara was the one shrugging—and kicking herself for asking. “I thought we might be, but it didn’t work out.”
Dani froze with her sweater in her hands. “Shit. Why? What happened?”
Tara turned away and made a little project of finding her shirt in the locker. “We work together. It got complicated.” She couldn’t help but wonder if things would’ve worked out the same way if Tara had agreed to give them a try the night she’d brought Jesse home to her apartment. Never know now, of course, but the second-guessing was a futile game her brain wouldn’t stop playing.
A game that made her know into her very soul that she’d nearly had something amazing.
“That sucks.” Dani’s voice was full of sympathy. “Your team at CMDS is really small, isn’t it?”
Swallowing around a sudden knot in her throat, Tara agreed. “Yeah. Anyway.” She tugged a slate blue V-neck over her head, grabbed her bag, and went to the counter with the outlets.
Dani joined her, and their gazes met in the mirror. “I’m sorry about Jesse.”
Opening her make-up bag, Tara nodded. “Thanks.” She appreciated her friends checking in on her. She really did. But she also didn’t want to talk about Jesse anymore. Didn’t want to think about him. Didn’t want to remember his dark eyes looking at her, his voice in her ear, his hands on her skin.
She didn’t want to want him. Because, oh God, she still did.
Fifteen minutes later they were finished getting ready and walked out into the gym to join the guys so they could leave for dinner. But none of them were there yet.
“How did we get ready before them?” Dani asked. “Both of our hair is like down to our asses and we still beat them.”
“I don’t know,” Tara said, chuckling. Then she glanced at the door and froze.
Jesse.
Jesse was standing on the other side of the windows peering in. What was he doing here? Tara’s heart tripped inside her chest. And then she put the kibosh on her runaway expectations and realized that he might not be here for her at all. Just like she’d expected, he’d hit it off with Noah and Sean. So….
Right. Be cool.
Which was so not her strong suit. Obviously.
But she had to at least try, which was why she just waved and then turned away from him. She wasn’t letting her stupid heart get her hopes up.
Not this time.
Chapter 18
The door swung open behind her, and like a glutton for punishment, Tara turned to see Jesse heading right for her—six-foot-two inches of confusingly determined hot man coming at her five-foot-four inches of cluelessness and heartache.
“Hey, Dani,” Jesse said, his eyes locked on Tara’s.
“Uh, hi, Jesse. Whatcha doing?” Dani asked, coming to stand right beside her.
“Hi, Tara,” Jesse said. “Can I talk to you?”
She blinked out of her shock. “You joining us for dinner?” Because she couldn’t think of any other reason he’d be there. “You missed training, so I didn’t think…”
He shook his head. “No, I’m here for you.”
Tara’s belly did a nauseating little loop. “Uh, I don’t…”
“Can I please talk to you?” he asked again, those dark eyes burning with an intensity she didn’t understand. God, why did he have to be so beautiful?
“Sure,” Tara finally said.
“You sure?” Dani asked.
Managing a little smile at her friend’s protectiveness, Tara nodded. “Yeah, I’m good. Um, I’ll just meet you at the restaurant.”
Dani nodded, her gaze going from Tara to Jesse and back again. “Okay.”
“Can we…is there a private place to talk here?” he asked.
“Um. There are some classrooms down the hall that might be open,” Tara said mechanically as they pushed through the door leading to the hallway.
They closed themselves into the first empty room.
Tara hugged herself and turned toward Jesse. “So, uh, what’s up?”
He blew out a breath and came closer. “Shit. I raced over here so fast after I heard that I forgot to plan what to say.”
“Heard what?” Tara was utterly confused—not just by his words but also by the almost frenetic energy coming off of him. Positive energy. Gone was the distance. Gone was the wall behind his eyes.
“I got a new job. I didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t come through, but—”
“Wait. What?”
His smile was so freaking beautiful. “I got a new job. I’m joining the DC Police’s Special Tactics Branch as an EOD specialist.”
The room spun around Tara until it felt like the floor was wavy beneath her feet. “I…but you…you said if I got a new job, I’d resent you for it. I don’t want you to change jobs because of me.”
Jesse grasped her gently by the arms. It was the first time he’d reached for her in weeks, and it made her ache with remembered want. “Tara, I’m doing this for me. I like CMDS, but this law enforcement position…it brings me back to what I’m passionate about. To what I didn’t think I could do anymore. But I was wrong. I was wrong about so much.”
“Jesse, I…” He was leaving CMDS? So now she’d almost never see him… “Um, congratulations, then,” she said lamely. “Did you tell Boone yet?”
“Yes, he knew I was looking. Because of my military experience, I can do an accelerated police academy, and the next one starts April 15. I’m going to keep diving until then.”
“Wow, Boone knew? How did he react?”
“Disappointed at first. Until I explained that I wanted to stop running from EOD, because that’s what I’d done. I told him I needed the chance to make that right, and he understood.”
Pride and respect welled inside her chest. “Jesse, that’s amazing.”
He nodded and stepped closer. “All thanks to you.”
Tara’s belly flipped, and she hugged herself. “What do you mean?”
“Watching you face your fears made me realize I wasn’t facing mine, and I… Shit, I’m handling this all wrong,” he said, frowning.
“Jesse—”
Suddenly, he was right in front of her, so close she had to tilt her head way back to meet his gaze. Those dark eyes absolutely blazed at her. “Tara, fuck. I’m just gonna say it straight out. I love you. That’s where I should’ve started all this. I love you. I probably fell in love with you after that first nacho. If not then, when you suggested a kiss was the best cure for the cold. And if not then, definitely when you jumped into a stormy sea to save a man’s life.”
Tara’s mouth fell open as her mind struggled to process the words she thought she was hearing. He loved her? Had he really said that?
“I’m sorry we had to go through hell to get here—or, at least, I know I did. But now you can do what you love without compromising what’s important to you. And I can return to what I love. And…and we can be together. That’s what I came here to say.”
Her heart beat so hard and so fast that it made her head spin. “Oh, my God…”
He cupped her face in his big hands. “Fuck, did it take me too long to fight my way back to you?”
Tears sprung to her eyes as what was happening finally sank in. He loved her. Jesse loved her. And he’d made it so they could have a chance. “No,” she said as the first tear fell. “Not too late.”
“Aw, don’t cry,” he said. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
She shook her head. “None of tha
t matters, Jesse. I just…all that matters is that I love you, too.”
Sheer relief. That was the only way she knew to describe the wide-eyed expression that settled onto his handsome face. “Say it again,” he whispered.
More tears fell. “I love you, Jesse. So much.”
He kissed her then, slow and deep, a tender reunion that made her feel like she was floating. He loved her. When the kiss ended, he pulled her in for a hug and held her so damn tight.
“Don’t let me go,” she whispered, needing his arms around her so much. Now and always.
“Never again.” After a long moment, he released her just enough to look her eye to eye. “I know you were planning to go to dinner. Did you want to—”
“I just want to be with you.”
Jesse took her by the hand. “Done, baby. Let’s go home.”
* * * *
They went back to Jesse’s suite, because that was where it had all started.
They didn’t rush. They weren’t frantic. They took their time, exploring and indulging. Because they finally had a future in front of them.
When they were both naked, Jesse laid Tara out on his bed, hardly able to believe that she was his. That he’d laid all his cards out and finally won a hand. That she loved him, too.
But she did. And that…that meant everything. Hope and possibility and maybe even forever. At thirty-seven, Jesse was a man who knew what he wanted when he found it—and he had every intention of making Tara Hunter his in every way he could. When the time was right. And if she would have him. For the first time in a long time, he had hope—hope that she would.
But all that was for another time. Now, Jesse needed Tara in his arms. He settled between her soft thighs, their mouths claiming each other, their hands holding so damn tight. Being inside her felt like finally coming home, especially when she came with his name and her love for him on her lips. And he did the same.
Afterward, they lay cuddled for a long time. “Is this a dream, Tara?”
She settled her chin on his chest and smiled. “No, Jesse, this is our real life.”
Out of nowhere, he got choked up. He pressed his fingers to his eyes and heaved a deep breath. It was just, he’d been alone for so long that finding Tara and being loved by her meant the world to him. Because he never thought he’d find this—this happiness. “What if I’d never run into you?”
