Pain creased the corner of his eyes before he glanced away. “I’m not leaving yet,” he said, staring at the cabin.
“Will you talk to them? Sophie feels responsible, and she knows you’re angry.”
“Not with her,” he said.
“Will you tell her that? She thinks I’m only saying it to make her feel better.”
“Yeah, I’ll talk to them,” he said. “I’ll talk to Thea and Beau while we’re at the lake.”
“You’re still going?”
His eyes narrowed, his expression one of stone and sadness. “Why wouldn’t I?”
I shook my head and lifted my shoulders, uncertain what to think anymore. “I don’t know. I guess I thought you might decide . . .”
“What?” He stared into my eyes. “That I would treat the kids like shit because you broke whatever pieces of me were left?” His chest heaved and his jaw clenched.
“I—” I had to catch my breath. “I didn’t want to lie,” I told him shakily.
“No, but you wanted my help more.”
“At first, maybe. But it got more complicated than that.”
He took a step closer, his hazel eyes fierce in the sunlight. “You had months to tell me, Elle, and you chose not to. I don’t care what your reasons are. You had Sophie lying to me.”
“I didn’t ask her to lie—”
“But she had to, don’t you get it? And the whole time you were judging me for being a drunk, meanwhile you could’ve—” He bit his tongue, but I would’ve rather him lash into me than stare at my gloved hands like they were disgusting.
“I could’ve what?” I bit out.
“You could’ve done much worse.” Every word was true. I was a liar, and I was dangerous, but he knew I would never intentionally hurt any of them, no matter how angry he was at me. He knew me well enough for that.
“Maybe I am dangerous,” I said as calmly as I could. “But what should I have done, abandon the kids? Should I have left them in Whitely to fend for themselves and hoped for the best?” I stepped closer, needing him to understand that everything was bigger than him and me. “You act like I asked for this. I woke up one day to a man in my house who was trying to kill me. I thought I was going to die and then a horrifying, miraculous thing happened.” The tears welled in my eyes, and I tried to blink them away. “You can be angry at me for not telling you what I did to your father[118]. And you can be angry for my not telling you what I can do, but you can’t be angry at me because of what I can do, and you can’t blame me for wanting to live. I did what I had to and I would do it again even if it haunts me every time I close my eyes. And even if it hurts you, no matter how much I wish it didn’t.”[LP119]
I wasn’t sure if Jackson’s eyes were shimmering with sadness for his father or if it was outrage, but I needed him to know everything before he left and it was too late.
“I didn’t tell you what I did when we met because it seemed impossible and you would think I was crazy like the rest. And you’re right, I was scared with four kids and I needed your help to keep them safe. But I kept it a secret because I didn’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks and took a step back. “If you want to hate me,” I said more calmly, “then hate me. I understand. But something crazy is happening, Jackson. Something I don’t understand, and it’s not just me. Beau and Sophie . . .” I shoved my hands in the back of my pockets. “They’re scared. I just hope you can find the time to say goodbye before you disappear.”
Having said enough, I turned back for the cabin. If Jackson was the man I thought he was, he’d make things right with them before he left. If he wasn’t, then five of us were back where we started: scared and determined, and we’d figure it out on our own.
Chapter 49
Sophie[SF120][K121]
They say an old soul is a person who has the knowledge and wisdom of someone much older than they are. The only person who ever told me I was an old soul was an elderly woman in my building who mistook me for Holly Lynch, a girl who hadn’t lived on my floor for over ten years, they later told me. But watching Elle and Jackson argue with each other made me feel like an old soul.
It was weird and not because if felt like they were a mix between pseudo-parents and older siblings to me. It was because it felt like I knew both of them better than they knew themselves sometimes. It didn’t know what they were feeling and thinking all the time or anything like that, my power didn’t work that way, but I’d learned plenty about them since it started four months ago, stuff I don’t think even they were aware of.
Being only eighteen, I wasn’t supposed to know those types of things. A person was supposed to accumulate knowledge over the years and gain wisdom in their old age through experience. Instead, it was like reading sections of a biography in a single touch, absorbed into a photographic memory complete with live action, color, and all the feels. Good or bad, each glimpse became part of the library, all because I let someone pat my shoulder or grab my hand when I wasn’t expecting it and there was a spark of a connection. When it happened was out of my control, so was what I saw.
Stretching my legs out on the porch step, I stared at the skinning shack across the yard where Alex and I played butcher-the-caribou last night. I’d hunted—I’d shot an animal. I didn’t see that one coming.
The day I’d gotten sick I was worried about teen pregnancy, now I was learning how to live off the land like Swiss Family Robinson—six survivors living in a wild world wrought with dangers.
Day one had been awkward. Week one had been eye-opening, to say the least. Week two you bought into the dynamic of staying together—love them or hate them—and everything else was history. The difference was everyone saw Sophie Collins, the strange girl who liked to cook and acted crazy sometimes, and when I thought of Elle, Jackson, and Alex, it felt like I’d known them a lifetime.[122]
There wasn’t a TMI switch you could shut off when you were on overload, and those were the days I wanted to disappear in a dark cave and hide. Forever.
The door to Took’s cabin opened, and Alex stepped out onto the porch. “I thought you’d be out doing . . . whatever you do when you’re not cooking.”
“Yeah, well, there’s no reason to hide anymore.” The cat was out of the bag.
Alex crouched down beside me, a waft of wood smoke filling my nose.
“You could’ve told me, Soph,” he said softly. “I wouldn’t have thought you were crazy.”
“You wouldn’t?” I knew him well enough to know that was true though.
“I would rather know why you were keeping your distance than assume the worst.”
“I already feel crazy enough,” I admitted. “I didn’t want you of all people acting weird around me . . . or for you to look at me differently.” Alex had been an unexpected gift since the day I’d met him, even before our entire apartment building was infected with the virus. I hadn’t known him a day, and he’d saved my life in more ways than one.
“You don’t have to worry about that.” His voice was like a lure that hooked me and pull me out of whatever fog I was in.
My gaze found his. “I believe you.” I didn’t have to guess or reach out and touch him to know he meant it. I could see it in his green eyes, always reassuring. He had a humbled strength that came with years of relying on himself. He’d been beaten all his life, but he wasn’t broken. He was the strongest of all of us, and he was beautiful, and he didn’t know it. I glanced away.
“Did you have a girlfriend, before I mean?” [LP123]I asked, staring at my broken nails. I’d come a long way from the mayor’s groomed and picture-perfect daughter.
Alex smiled. “No. Why, are you interested?”
“No, of course not,” I said too quickly. “That would be weird, right?” I tried to laugh it off.
“Yeah, I guess,” so he said, but he didn’t laugh with me.
In December I had a subpar boyfriend and was on the brink of an emotional breakdown, and that was befor
e the virus. After was even worse. Alex had been my rock, and he’d seen me at my absolute worst, weak and desperate. Even though I knew he felt something for me, I didn’t want Alex to want me because I was a girl he liked to save. I wanted him to like me because I was strong and useful and came with a TNT Flammable label, not Fragile - Handle With Care.
“What sort of stuff do you know?” he asked, and I felt my face flush as I scooted around to face him, one leg crossed over my lap. He wasn’t asking about Elle and Jackson, I knew him well enough to know that. Alex was private even if he was confident his past wasn’t who he was now; the past still hurt sometimes though.
Did I tell him the truth? I knew he has burn marks on his arms from his mother. I knew the hair-thin scar on his right temple was from being bullied when he was little because he was poor. “Random stuff,” I said which was true. There was no rhyme or reason. “Personal stuff,” I added.
“But like what, exactly? My favorite color? The first time I smoked weed in middle school? Or like, the crazy shit?” He knew it was more than colors and rap sheets, but if I didn’t tell him something, the curiosity would eat away at him.
“I know you always marked ‘Other’ on intake forms instead of Hispanic because you don’t know who your dad was.” I told him. “And I know that you’ve always wondered if you had any siblings. And I know why you bought me that pregnancy test the day we first met.”
The amusement dulled in his eyes and he pursed his lips.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I promised.
His face softened. “I know.”
We stared at each other for a few long moments, the cool morning breeze was refreshing against my warming skin.
“What about you?” I asked, glad I wasn’t the only screwed up one. “I know you feel something too, something different inside you. What is it?”
He let out a breath and leaned back the porch post. “I have no idea, but it’s different around you and Elle.”
“Is it a feeling?”
He shook his head. “It’s more than that. With Elle it’s obvious, but it’s only happened twice and now I know what Elle can do, it makes way more sense.”
“How do you mean?”
“When I touch her, I can feel the fire inside her. Not like her touch is hot, but I feel it inside my body, in my blood. Whirring. It’s only a spurt and then it’s gone.”
“I wonder what it would be like if you held her hand,” I thought aloud. “More than a shoulder brush or whatever.”[LP124]
He nodded.
“Maybe you can do what she can do.”
He laughed and drug his fingers over his head. “This is so crazy. We’re talking about this shit like it’s normal.”
“Yeah, trust me, it feels anything but normal.”
“With you—” he started. “I’ve felt your fear once, when I was holding you.”
My gaze shot to his.
“I thought it was my fear, even if it didn’t feel like it was.”
“How would you know?”
He grinned. “I don’t worry about what my hair looks all right in the morning or if[K125]—”
I smacked his shoulder. “Shut up. That’s not what I worry about.”
“Sometimes you do,” he said with a wink. “Admit it.”
“Well, I don’t want to look like a bush woman.” His smile was infectious, and I laughed. “Stop staring at me.”
“I can’t help it. Now it’s all I can think about—Sophie the Alaskan bush woman.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m glad to see you’re having so much fun with this.”
He shrugged. “What else is there to do? We can’t change what’s happening. We have to learn how to use it—to accept it. Otherwise things will be harder than they already are.”
I looked at him, studying the verdant depths of his eyes.
“What?”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re an old soul?”
“Oh boy. Now we’re getting too deep,” he teased, jumping to his feet. “Come on, let’s go get some breakfast. My treat.”
“Oh, a granola bar. Lucky me.”[126]
Chapter 50
Jackson
“I’ve never fished before,” Thea said, peering out the window of the truck. I glanced at her in the mirror, then at Beau.
“Well, hopefully you’ll have fun,” I told her. “I enjoyed fishing when I was your age.” I hadn’t ice fished in years, but soon the ice would melt completely and they might miss their chance to try.
Beau was quiet in the back. He stared out the window, his mind somewhere else. “How about you, Beau? Are you excited to try fishing for the first time?”
“I went once, with my dad,” he mumbled.
“Good, maybe you can teach me. I’m rusty.”
He leaned back in his seat, his head bouncing as we drove through the woods. “What’s eating at you, kid?”
He met my gaze in the mirror. “Are you and Elle still fighting?”
I cleared my throat. “We’re not fighting, we just disagree on some things.”
“It sounded liked you were fighting,” he said. “Is it because of me?”
“No, bud,” I told him. “We aren’t fighting because of you or anyone else.” Elle hadn’t told me what was going on with Beau, but I guess things escalated quickly and there hadn’t really been time for that. “Why would we be fighting about you, bud?”
“She doesn’t like the wolves.”
“What do you mean?”
He sighed. “She thinks they’re dangerous and doesn’t want me around them.”
“They’re really nice,” Thea chirped. “I like the black the best.”
Beau smacked Thea on the arm and glared at her.
“Hey, no hitting.”
Beau crossed his arms over his chest. “You have such a big mouth,” he muttered.
“Nuh-haw.”
He rolled his eyes.
I slammed on the brakes of the truck and turned around in my seat. “You’ve been playing with the wolves?” My heart was pounding in my chest.
“They won’t hurt me,” Beau said.
“Beau, they’re wild animals.” I pointed to Thea. “What about your sister? They aren’t pets. You guys could get hurt.”
“You don’t understand,” he growled. “How come Elle can use her power but I can’t use mine?”
His words were slow to sink in and formulating an answer felt impossible. “Your power?”
“Yeah, Elle killed that guy with her bare hands and she’s not in trouble.”
“Elle did what she had to do to save you,” I reminded him. “She didn’t want to hurt those men.”
“Well, I know the wolves won’t hurt me either. It’s like the same thing.”
The image of a wolf mauling Beau made my stomach churn and the hair on the back of my arms stand on end. “How do you know they won’t hurt you, Beau?”
“I just do,” he said voice sharp with impatience. “Why won’t you trust me?”
“I’m sorry kid, wolves aren’t known to be cuddly animals. They’re not pets.”
“Well, mine are.”[127]
Mine? I rubbed my forehead and continued down the trail left by the snowmobile toward the water. It was getting weirder by the hour and I didn’t know how to navigate questions about how baby caribou are born let alone super powers. “Does Elle know you’ve been playing with them?”
He met my gaze again and regrettably shook his head.
“I’ll tell you what,” I started, grasping at straws. “Tonight we’ll talk about it, okay? All of us together. We’ll figure out what’s going on and we’ll get some ground rules in place. But until then, no more playing with the wolves, okay?”
I brought the truck to a stop at the water’s edge and turned around to face him. “Do we have a deal?”
Reluctantly, Beau nodded.
“If you promise, I’ll take you hunting before I leave.”
His brow furrowed.
“What, sudde
nly you don’t want to go hunting anymore?”
“I do,” he said. “But when are you leaving?”
My throat constricted, and I hated that it was becoming so difficult to talk about. “Soon,” I admitted. “But not for a few days at least. I’ll take you hunting before I go, okay?”
Beau nodded, but his heart wasn’t in it, and I felt the excitement of the day officially dampened. “Do you guys even want to fish anymore?”
“I do!” Thea chirped and flung open the door. I looked at Beau. He studied me for a few heartbeats. “Yeah, I want to fish,” he said. He climbed out the backseat after Thea and shut the door.
Turning toward the front, I scrubbed my face as hard as I could and ran my fingers through my hair. Nothing was easy anymore. Everything that was supposed to be good was complicated, everything that was meant to be easy was problematic. The plan had been the same since day one and suddenly I had a churning knot in the center of my stomach telling me it was wrong to leave. My best friend was alive and yet that didn’t feel right either[SF128]. Elle killed my dad, which shouldn’t have felt okay, but I was glad she did[SF129]. He would’ve killed her instead, and I would’ve never known her or the kids; they’d never have been a part of my life. I wanted to hate Elle for lying because it was easier to be angry than it was to admit I cared about her in a way that made me feel like a disloyal piece of shit.[130]
Beau stepped in front of the truck and tapped the hood. “Come look!”
I climbed out of the truck, grabbed the tackle box from the back of the truck and the poles, determined to enjoy the day like we’d come out to do. The rest would wait for a few hours.
“It’s so pretty!” Thea squealed.
Took stood at the bank, pointing at a patch of sunlight. Ice crystals floated in the air around them like suspended, blinking diamonds.
“They’re called dust diamonds,” Took said. He was smiling. “We only get ‘em a couple times a year, when the weather clears up. It’s one of Jade’s favorite things.”
“I’ve never actually seen it before,” I admitted. “My mom used to tell me stories about it though,” I remembered. “She said the ice danced to the silent song of sunlight.”
The Darkest Winter Page 26
