“They found something!” Beau shouted and Alex took off after the sound of his voice.
I nodded for Alex to follow him as I holstered my gun in my waist strap and conducted a quick search of the boat. Other than an emergency kit strapped to the side, there was nothing that would help us. I could barely make Alex’s green jacket out through the trees. I exchanged a sorted look with Ross who was still angry at me for accusing him of having a part in it[SF177], and then jogged after Alex and Beau, weaving through the willow trees with Ross at my side.
“I told you,” I breathed. “I’m sorry. It was a feeling I’ve had it sense I got here. I thought—”
“Just thought your best friend could do something like that,” he bit out. “Yeah, I got it.”[SF178]
“Over here!” Beau said brusquely as he ran behind the wolves toward the road. There were tracks in the mud as we jogged through the trees. We didn’t know where they led or where we would end up, so a solid plan was impossible, but we were losing daylight and a plan would have to come later, once we knew what we were up against.
“Are you sure Thea’s okay with Bert?” I asked, and I didn’t blame him. Despite Ross’ reassurances, I worried the same.
“She’ll be fine, now do you want to worry about Bert and Thea or find Elle and Sophie?” he ground out.
As we broke through the trees at the highway, a rumble in the distance echoed through the still air. “Hold up!” I shouted. “Quick, into the forest.” Everyone began to dart inside, but something urged me to stay.
“Jackson!” Ross called. “Get your ass in here.”
But I couldn’t move. I knew I needed to stay as a beat-to-shit, lifted Chevy Blazer with blackened windows slowed to almost stopping.
I lifted my gun, hearing the others shift in hands, then bullets slide into their chambers. Whoever was inside wouldn’t be unscathed if they tried anything.
The passenger door swung open and two legs, followed by red and blonde hair jumped out[K179].
“Sophie!” Beau shouted.
Then Elle climbed out the backseat behind her.
It looked like her, but how? “Elle?” I breathed.
My feet moved beneath me and of their own accord. Part of my brain told me it was a trap, she wasn’t really there, or she was bait, while the other part had me pulling her into my arms before I knew what I was doing.
“I’m okay,” she whispered, warm and real against me. I gripped her tighter. I’d been terrified what might happen to her, but until that moment I hadn’t realized I thought I might never see her again. I balled my hands in her hair and lifted her face to mine.
“I’m okay,” she repeated, cheeks red and eyes shimmering. “He didn’t—”
I pressed my lips to hers with bruising force, needing to show her—needing her to see how much she meant to me. An almost imperceptible sigh hummed through her and I kissed her deeper.
Grasping for breath, I rested my forehead to hers, eyes shut as I breathed her in, willing her warmth to consume me. When I opened my eyes, she was looking at me, eyes wide as she cupped my hand in hers rubbing her cheek against it as she closed her eyes. He kissed the inside of my palm and looked up at me.
“Well, what do you know? I didn’t see that one coming.” My eyes shot to the man standing outside of the brown Blaze. “Who’s the animal whisperer. The kid?” He shook his head. “This just keeps getting better and better.” He stared at Beau and the wolves fanned protectively around him, their teeth bared and heckles raised.
I took a step forward and lifted my gun to aim directly for his head. Victory never felt so righteous as the amusement dulled from his face.
“Jackson!” Elle shouted, and she reached for my arm. “Stop—look at me,” she demanded.
“What?” I whipped around to glare at her. “He kidnapped you!” I shouted, my hand shaking with rage. I searched for Sophie, relieved to find she was standing beside Alex. Ross still aimed his rifle at the man, though the second one remained inside, frightened if his wide eyes were any sign.
“I know, but it was a mistake,” Elle said. “This is Woody, and you need to hear what he has to say.”
The End[LP180]
* * *
[LP1]Dr. Rothman was right, as much as I hated being here, perhaps this was what it would take for me to imagine my monster as nothing more than a childhood nightmare.
[LP2]Remove since I took out the poisoning part?
[LP3]Do guys say this?
[SF4]Here I wanted a little more explanation of how fast this happened and what he knows about it. Like the warnings to stay indoors and all that.
Let me “see” the apocalypse a little more. Because I really love that part. (See how I’m making this all about me?)
[LP5]Make sure you reference the time of day changing since it’s now the 9th around 1:30 AM
[LL6]I’m assuming he’s still in his uniform - this might change some of the interaction and reactions of others.
[LP7]Again, make sure his timing is still the 9th in the morning – this would be # hours after 1:30/2AM
[LP8]Add an action here? Something to break up the train of thought.
[LP9]Is this repetitive?
[LP10]Lauren, I know the dead body is still there, but I couldn’t find a “right” place to have him deal with it. Do you think it’s fine as it is for now?
[LP11]Look at Dennis’s gun
[LP12]Different word?
[LP13]Lauren, Did this Chapter feel rushed?
[JB14]I actually think this would make a great end to the chapter.
[LP15]Remove?
[LP16]Add details about the house, smells, lighting, little knickknacks from their life together.
I would also like a few more details – remind me what Ross looks like, tell me about the smell of the house, note something on the wall to make it feel more real. The more details you can weave in, the more the story will resonate. I like that Jackson’s path clearly shifts in this chapter. Throwing out the bottle of tequila (wine?) is powerful and symbolic. It’s also a nice sendoff to Hannah, since it is her memory that convinces him to do that.
[LP17]Make sure Alex’s character and Sophie’s is fleshed out a little bit more.
[JB18]This confused me. She called her child, Bryron, a few sentences ago, but then she mentions “My Ted,” and then says, “Isn’t he handsome?” Referring to the baby. This made me think that the baby’s name was Ted. I then got confused when a grown man was referred to as Ted later.
[JB19]What men? Isn’t she standing across the room? Could the group hear her from all the way over there? I guess I’m having trouble picturing where everyone is in the scene and what the room is like.
[JB20]Who is saying this? Elle or the guy from the Coast Guard?
[JB21]Who’s gun is pointed at him? Elle’s gun?
[LL22]Is this Jackson? Did he shoot crazy baby lady?
[JB23]I’m feeling a little fuzzy in trying to picture what’s happening. There are a lot of different people in the room, including two who are referred to just as “men.” Didn’t Elle mention that there were random people sleeping on cots and wandering around? I’m trying to figure out what everyone is doing.
[JB24]As a reader, I had trouble picturing this scene.
[MOU25]There should be some explanation of why Jackson is here. Before part II starts, Elle could ask him. I would maybe include more description of Jackson earlier in his chapters if you want the reader to put together that it’s him at this point. I like they mystery, too, though!
[K26]She killed Thomas & Ted, but who was the third man?
[LP27]How much time has passed? I think, as a reader, I would have preferred to have seen some of this, rather than hear about it after it was done and the guy was gone.
[LP28]I have a million and a half questions for this guy. Why was he at the building? How did he know to save them? Why did he save them?
[K29]I like that you didn’t reveal that it was Jackson until this chapter.
&nb
sp; LP – Need to include why he was there
[LP30]I’m curious about all the maps and planning. Is this Jackson who did that or Ross? It seems like Jackson wouldn’t have had time to do all this planning. He went to his father’s place then came down to Anchorage just in time to rescue Elle. When did he do all this planning and drawing on maps? Also, I don’t know how far away Elle’s house was from Anchorage. Things are feeling a little fuzzy again.
[LP31]Rocky sentence
[LP32]What was true?
[LP33]One thing to mention is that I don’t feel like Sophie has a very strong character. What makes her special and unique? What is her drive? What beliefs and perspectives drive her?
[LP34]I want to see him make this decision in his mind, weigh the pros and cons, recognize that bringing them along would make his trip much more difficult and risky but decide to do it anyway, because he’s a good guy and that’s what heroes do. This could be a good chance to burnish his hero bonifides.
[MOU35]This seems like a LOT of time to skip. Make sure there’s plenty of explanation of how things were going during this time we’ve missed. The monotonous survival things, getting to know each other, whatever. f
[MOU36]I think keeping the ongoing date in the chapter heading was helpful to keep in mind what time frame we’re in with the story.
[LP37]Why would they stay in Slana instead of going on to Whitehorse?
The floor creaked as I made my way through the house. We’d been preparing to leave since we arrived, knowing the day would come when the snow stopped falling and the ice melted.
[LP38]Maybe add one more line here with one piece of description about the room? It would help give us readers a sense of place.
[LP39]Add - It had been nearly five months since the outbreak. I no longer kept track of the days we’d been in southeast Alaska, but I knew how many nights the six of us had made it without freezing and how many days it had been since we’d seen other people—186 and 97.
[LP40]Are they in a really big house? I’d like a little more description so I can picture it.
[LP41]I thought they were going to Whitehorse. Also, if their goal is to get the Hartley Bay, why have they stayed in Slana for so long? Do they need to wait until the weather becomes warmer?
[SF42]How does she feel about this? Aside from not trusting being right—but also not right because he CAN trust her.
[LP43]Can you describe them more? I don’t know what Haida creatures look like.
[SF44]Okay, so you’ve read my email and crazy ramblings about the time jump. Ha. I came back and re-read, and this is good.
If you want to add more, I would like to know about where he goes for seclusion, or something like that. How she feels about it when he disappears. Is all the work left up to her? In contrast, I want to hear more about how he’s been thoughtful/quiet during this time, maybe?
Kind of like a “snapshot” of daily life.
Not necessary--just suggestions!
[LP45]Reword this?
[SF46]Why? I mean, I think I know why. I want to hear it.
[LP47]Why have they been in Slana for four months, and why haven’t they made it to Whitehorse yet? I’d like a sense of what’s happened in the past four months. How are they traveling? Have they gotten into a groove? Also, do they know about the powers yet? It seems really strange that they haven’t discovered it in four months? In the previous chapters, it has seemed like Elle’s fire is always trying to burst out of her. Has she never lost control of it? Something tells me that Alex knows he has a power and he knows how to use it, but he’s just not sharing it with the others.
[LP48]Turn this to “Day 187,” transition into Alex had been counting the days with me initially, waiting for his birthday
[LL49]I think this info needs to be early on in the previous chapter.
[LP50]I’m having trouble pictureing this. Where is Elle? Where are Alex and Sophie. Is she outside and they’re striding up to the yard? I’d like more details on where everyone is in this scene.
[LP51]What is different?
[LP52]Show us this. What does it mean that she’s keeping her distance? How does Alex feel about this? Does he have a crush on her? That isn’t clear to me.
[LP53]How would she know? Are they getting electricity so she can charge her phone, or does she have a watch with a battery?
[LP54]Whatever she was doing.
[LP55]Maybe clarify that it’s because of the gloves she’s always wearing.
[LP56]I’d recommending adding some atmospheric details. What is it like outside? Cold? Can Elle see her breath? Is she swaddled in a thick coat? Do her boots crunch through the snow?
[LP57]How far away is the shop from the house?
[SF58]I might have missed it before now or after, but I wanted more of a visual of the town. I had trouble picturing it.
If you put it in and I missed it, I’m sorry I’m an idiot.
[SF59]So, as I got deeper into this part, I started to want more info about what happened in those missing five months. Yes, I know that’s totally annoying. I’m sorry.
I’m not sure exactly what I want, but definitely more about the flesh-hungry lunatics. (Does she mean the Coast Guard guys being all rapey? If not, I need more explanation!)
[LP60]JB – Doesn’t seem like he’s much of an expert
[LP61]It’s still not clear to me how they are traveling. Are they hopping from town to town? Are they walking or driving? I guess driving, because the mention of fuel stabilizers. By the way, is fuel stabilizer something that’s easy to come by in a town like this? I have no idea. I would like more details in this chapter. Tell us about the weather. Describe what the kids are wearing, what Sophie and Alex look like. I want to be able to picture what’s happening.
[LP62]Day 187 since the fever
[LL63]I didn’t pick up on the fact that they were eating people. You might need to make that clearer.
[LP64]Make sure Elle mentions they’ve got most of the food stocked up at the house, but they still come to the market for the funner, less important necessities as needed. Alex’s birthday is such an occasion.
[LP65]Work on transition
[SF66]Tell me more! What announcements? Do you mean aside from the original Safe Zone announcement? Has there been more news? More things from the missing time period that I’d like to know. Or tell me if there’s been nothing and they’re worried about that…
[H67]I thought Sophie was the one who cooks mostly, so why is Elle getting all the credit? Is it because Jackson is developing feelings for her or is it because she genuinely has made progress in the kitchen? Only a few pages back, they all knew Elle wasn’t great as a cook.
[LL68]This seems strange to me. She clearly knows he has a problem, and it must be obvious to me that he’s trying to quit. It doesn’t really seem like the kind of thing she would overthink.
[LL69]Is this Alex?
[LL70]I think Elle needs to have some sort of an internal reaction – like thinking that it was impossible that Sophie could know. Sure, Elle has a crazy power, but she doesn’t know that other people have crazy powers, and she has no reason to suspect that people would have different kinds of crazy powers.
[71]I don't think you need to say this... how could they know that this is what was bothering her?
[LL72]I think we need to know what Elle is feeling at this prospect.
[LL73]I still think there needs to be a bit of shock and some internal struggle with accepting this – some sort of an internal reaction beyond acceptance. Feels too quick and easy.
[LP74]Does this jive?
[LL75]A follow up note about Sophie’s Ability – and maybe you address this in the next chapter or two - wouldn’t she have some idea as to what Abilities the others might be experiencing, as well? I would think that they would all be experiencing some strangeness at this point, and Sophie might be looking for it in the others (like with Elle) to help her understand what’s happening to her, too.
It seems like there’s som
ething with the kiddos and animals, from what we’ve read so far.
[K76]“I shook my head” I assume this is Jackson talking
[SD77]This seems weird so I’m apprehensive about whats going on here
[K78]I had a weird thought. Does Alex have money? Do people carry money in the apocalypse? Did he break the glass? That would be loud.
[SF79]I want more about these lunatics. (This sentence makes me feel they know of more than just the ones they’ve encountered.)
I keep saying I want more. I know this is an early draft, and so you likely plan on doing that anyway. Maybe it’s helpful to see where I wondered about stuff? I hope so!
[LL80]Just a thought – since clearly these men, or at least some of them, have Abilities, might they suspect that others do as well and tread cautiously because of that? Their bravado seems a little blind.
The Darkest Winter Page 33
