100 Miles and Vampin'

by C. T. Phipps

  I started slashing at the base of the worm with my claws and biting chunks of it out with my teeth.

  Peter, that’s just pathetic, Gog said.

  “Screw you,” I said, attacking the monster with a vicious frenzied fury. “If you’re so badass, why do you live in hell?”

  I don’t know what it was about that statement that ticked Gog off but the demon possessing Enil let forth an inhuman scream and fire started flying up from the ground around us. I saw the Viking Dude, Odin, scream as he was incinerated. Wyatt fired a revolver repeatedly into the enormous monster. Each of the bullets struck with an explosion of lightning, ice, and fire. However, being a cowboy wizard didn’t mean much as Gog spun around its enormous body and swallowed him whole.

  “No!” Thomas, the Blade wannabe, cried out before charging at the monster and burying his sword into its side. It resulted in the vampire being carried along like a fly on its back before being thrown past the edge of the protective circle. What happened next was the vampire getting torn to pieces by the legions of the damned outside of it.

  Thoth tossed me his blood-sword, which I managed to catch. In my hands, the illusion dropped and the item he’d been using as a cane returned to its true form: The Tooth of Azazel. It was a big sword made of a demon’s literal tooth that pulsed with inhuman demonic power. Which, it turned out, was every bit as useful against demons as holy power.

  “Distract it!” Thoth shouted.

  “Wait, what?” I shouted.

  Mina kept shooting at the thing with her anti-tank gun like she was in a video game and trying to cherry tap the thing to death. I had to admit it was kind of hot. Even hotter was Yuki running up the back of the creature and slicing across its side.

  “Yeah, I think she should be using the sword!” I shouted back.

  “Do it!” Thoth said. “Or we’re all going to spending a very long time with all the people we’ve killed.”

  Dammit.

  Lifting myself up in the air with my flight abilities, I felt a strange new sense of control as I surged forward and sliced against the side of the monstrous worm. I spun around and sliced it again and again, maneuvering with much greater skill than I ever had before. It took a second for me to realize that was because I had a goddamn pair of bat wings growing out of my back. I’d also developed a nasty set of hair all over my face and arms.

  I was in hell, had wings, and facing an enormous worm. At that point, logic went out the window and I charged to impale the Tooth of Azazel into the bottom of the creature’s massive jaw, shouting, “Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, BATTTMANNNNNN!”

  The very pissed off giant monster hit me with a kind of weird psychic blast which sent me tumbling down out of the air. I thudded to the ground as the bones in my body shattered all at once. The worm above me opened its mouth, the Tooth of Azazel sticking out of the bottom of its jaw and descending upon me.

  “Dammit,” I muttered, unable to move or slow the creature down.

  David grabbed me and carried me away from the oncoming doom. It landed a few feet behind me, tearing up the ground around us. I owed David my life at that moment, and I vowed to make that up to him.

  “Thanks, man,” I said, glad I wasn’t literal worm food.

  “I’m trying,” David said, lowering his head. “But it’s not working.”

  The giant worm raised itself high, only to find itself bound in enormous thorny vines made of shadow that I assumed came from Lucinda. I noticed Lucien flying around, blasting it repeatedly with its dragon breath. He was badly injured, blood running down from a missing leg and one of his wings had a huge hole in it. Apparently, not enough to keep him down but a sign of this fight’s stress.

  “We are not winning this,” Lucinda said, looking like she was concentrating with every fiber of her being.

  “No shit!” I shouted, wondering if Yukie was doing any better. Looking over, I saw her on the ground and not moving.

  Mina moved over to her side and checked her pulse, shaking her head. Apparently, she’d run out of ammunition. She was soon joined by Sam, who’d done approximately jack all during this fight and I was doing my best not to resent.

  I’m sorry, Peter, Sam said, mentally. I think I know how to help now.

  Now would be a good fricking time, I replied.

  “Ah hell,” I said, unsure of what was going to happen next. “Thoth, if you’ve got any magic tricks left, now is the time to use ’em.”

  “No more rabbits out of my hat, Peter,” Thoth said, missing an arm. “I can seal its power or get us home, but it will just ride back with us.”

  I looked over at him. “Kill this fucker.”

  Lucinda looked over. “It has been an honor sharing part of eternity with you, husband.”

  David looked over, and there was a look of happiness at that. As if the prospect of imminent death wasn’t something to be feared.

  Thoth nodded and cast a series of spells in a language I didn’t understand, invoking that same terrible noise that was apparently Gog’s true name and then another name that sounded like two rocks banging together. I could see why Enil changed his name. No sooner was the spell over that the worm creature smashed its way out of Lucinda’s cage of thorns.

  “I shall take an eternity to know your pain!” Gog’s all-too-human voice came from the giant worm.

  Somehow, Gog didn’t feel quite as intimidating as he used to, though. He didn’t feel as powerful as Enil either. I didn’t know, exactly, what sealing a possessed vampire’s power meant but I guessed it wasn’t good for the thing. With any luck, Thoth’s spell meant we could kill both, and his statement that he didn’t have enough juice to get us out of hell wasn’t true. I knew Thoth and he always had another plan.

  He dissipated the protective circle around us and let in all the hundreds of thousands of souls surrounding us. If I had a wall, I would have banged my head against it.

  Sam pulled out a pocket knife and cut Yukie’s arm, causing a glowing white light to cover us all.

  It burned like a mother.

  Above our heads, I saw an ocean of souls sail over our heads, grabbing the side of Gog’s worm form and biting into it. Gog thrashed and screamed but was torn into thousands of pieces, devoured alive. It let out nightmarish wails while it died, exaggerated by the fact it was an inhuman beast. Then, in an instant, the souls parted, and there was no sign of the creature. I would have rejoiced if not for the fact we were still in hell.

  Much to my surprise, Sam and a now-human shaped Lucien picked up the slack and cast the exact same spell Thoth had used to transport us here. I was stunned they knew spells to get a person out of hell but, then again, both were Thoth’s Bloodsworn apprentices. This might have been a day trip for them.

  The dark red skies of hell vanished, and the twisted parody of an amusement park reverted to its previous form. The ground, utterly torn up by the giant earthworm we just fought (weird even by my standards), was left completely pristine. For a second, I saw two final ghosts stare at us with judgmental eyes. One was Enil, and the other was a handsome, depressed looking boy who I suspect was the real face of the guy I’d killed in the bathroom. Neither of them looked like they were happy to let me go.

  But go we did.

  “Like a Bat Outta Hell” by Meatloaf started playing on the Halloween Island speakers and I burst out laughing.

  “I think we’re going to make it,” I muttered.

  David collapsed on the ground and started rotting.

  “No!”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I rushed to David’s side and grabbed his hand. It already felt squishy in my grip, and I could smell the decay moving through his body at an expanding rate. Whatever magic was keeping him alive and allowing him to walk around as one of the undead was failing now, and he was returning to the Earth.

  Screw that.

  “I’ll get Thoth, and we’ll figure out how to fix this,” I said, not sure what could have triggered his failure. Did he need to eat more people? If he did, I
was happy to find some more people for him to eat.

  “No,” David said, looking up into the smog-filled skies above the amusement park. “It’s cool.”

  “What?” I asked, looking at him. “You’re talking crazy, man.”

  David turned his head, one of his eyes hanging out of his sockets in the grossest thing I’d seen since, well, the radio station I’d been in a half hour ago. He pulled his hand away and shoved the eye back in, badly. “I don’t think I’m meant to be a monster.”

  “You’re not a monster,” I said, lying. We were both monsters, and I’d hoped we could be monsters together.

  “I killed a bunch of Federal agents and ate human flesh. I got Sam killed. Plus, I just saw hell. I don’t want to go to hell. You know it’s going to be nothing but high school over and over again. I don’t want to be condemned to an eternity of high school.”

  He was babbling now. Either that or high. I wondered if zombies could get high and if not then whether that was contributing to David’s decision to let go of the mortal coil. “You’ve got a lot to live for.”

  “No, you do,” David said, smiling with a slightly unhinged jaw. “You’re a hero, man. You canceled the apocalypse.”

  “Maybe,” I said, wondering if destroying Gog’s avatar did anything but ensure there was just one less jerk in the world. I didn’t know if demons worked on D&D rules and whether we killed him forever by wiping him out on his home dimension or whether he’d just rebuild himself in a thousand years or so. I did know I wasn’t going to tell David that killing Gog wasn’t necessarily a game-changing event.

  “It was totally fucking awesome,” David said, chuckling. “Like the ending boss fight to a video game. But it’s not me.”

  “It’s not me either.”

  “Yeah, it is,” David said. “You’ve killed like a hundred people, Peter. You’re a stone-cold killer. You just look like a nerd pretending to be a gangsta.”

  I frowned. “I do not pretend to be gangsta.”

  “Do me a solid,” David said, now looking like a skeleton with a cover of flesh. “Don’t stop being a nerd. Also, get a—”

  There was nothing left of David a few seconds later. He’d turned into a fine white powder that I recognized from the radio station. Apparently, this was part of the magic that Thoth did to corpses and left not even a body to bury.

  “I’m sorry, Peter, I failed,” Thoth said, behind me. He’d need a couple of days to regenerate his missing arm.

  “What happened?” I asked, not looking up from the white powder. “I mean, you managed to defeat Gog. Why not save David?”

  “I had three weeks of forewarning,” Thoth replied. “You told me about his coming at the party so I consulted with my old teacher, Kim Su, as well as the Scholomance in Transylvania. The price for Gog and Enil’s true names was high, but he’s weakened now. It’ll be a good couple of thousand years before he’s able to make a new avatar. I may even be able to bind his spirit like I did Magog’s and seal him away longer.”

  “So, all that bit about learning it from the angel of death?”

  “Also true.”

  I was too upset to think about the fact I’d traveled back in time and changed the past. “So, you just didn’t have the juice to save David?”

  “I thought I could keep him from decaying to nothing as normal zombies do. I was wrong.” Thoth leaned down and placed two coins on the ashes where David’s remains used to be.

  “What’s that for?” I asked.

  “Think of them as a get out of hell free card,” Thoth said. “I have a few spared for you, me, and Lucinda.”

  “Man, you think of everything, don’t you?”

  “I try,” Thoth said, sad and beaten. “I’m probably going to have to leave town for a couple of centuries, though.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Killing Enil is not going to be without consequences. He’s only been Second Eldest since the Middle Ages, an eyeblink for most Ancients, but the death of any of any Ancient is enough to warrant the Council’s ire. It’ll be best for me to dwell in territory outside their purview until it all blows over, or I can bribe them enough to not care.”

  I looked up at him. My eyes felt puffy and red fluid leaked down from them. David’s death had reduced me to tears, something I didn’t think was possible until now. “Didn’t you save all their asses last year?”

  “Yes, which is probably why they’ll let me have a head start,” Thoth said. “It’s not as bad as you might think, I’ve been driven from other vampire’s domains in the past. Lucinda has also agreed to put up with me for the time if I want a position by her side.”

  “Or under her,” I smiled.

  “Vampire marriages are cyclical,” Thoth said, smiling. “You spend a couple of decades absolutely giddy in love, get really hateful, then you part for a century, so the ardeur builds itself back up. It also makes your other spouses jealous.”

  “Vampires are damn weird, man.”

  Thoth handed me a handkerchief to wipe away my bloody tears. “I’m leaving Mina in your care. Dracula’s granddaughter is a white elephant on her own but one that has her own uses. I’ll also see that my physical properties and my non-transferrable fortune are placed in your care.”

  “You’re just giving me half-a-billion dollars?” I asked, not even able to feel happy about the action.

  “More like fifty million,” Thoth said, shrugging. “The rest I expect you to administrate. Don’t trust rich white people, really rich white people with fangs, fundamentalist hypocrites, or politicians.”

  “Oh, like I needed you to tell me that.”

  Thoth put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ll stay a little while longer. Ashura will need help covering up the deaths of so many BOSS agents. I can put her in touch with the Star Chamber and Hoover Circle. The mages will purge any remaining Hollowed as well as Satan worship in BOSS.”

  “What? We have Harry Potters in the government now?”

  “I remind you, I’m one of those Harry Potters in addition to being a vampire. They are the most powerful faction aside from vampires and have constantly swerved between policies exterminating the other supernaturals or allying with us against the forces of darkness.”

  “Sound like a great bunch. Real tolerant and enlightened. Less Gandalf and more Saruman.”

  “I’m still invited to their parties. Just not allowed to date their daughters.”

  “Date ’em anyway,” I said, smiling. “It’s what I did.”

  Well tried to.

  Okay, failed miserably at, but whatcha gonna do?

  Thoth smiled.

  “Have fun with Lucinda too,” I said, smiling back before cleaning off my face. “One last question, though.”

  “Yes?”

  “How long do zombies normally last?”

  “Three weeks.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “That was more time to enjoy with my best friend.”

  “You are the master of time, Peter,” Thoth said. “Vampire powers are nothing more than forcibly awakened magical ones by demon blood. Time is your gift, and you will someday learn to master it. Also, becoming something other than a cute little dog.”

  I gave him two flipped birds.

  Thoth laughed and turned into a bat before flying off.

  “Show-off!” I said, watching him disappear.

  At that point, Lucinda walked over to us, leading the women of our group. Mina, Sam, and Yukie stood behind her. I really only wanted to speak to Yukie.

  “I am sorry your slave was killed,” Lucinda said, softly.

  I felt my head. “Uh-huh.”

  “Back when I was the bastard son of a vizconde and kept as his depraved wife’s concubine, I prayed to Dark Masters of the Night to deliver me and change me into a girl,” Lucinda said as if this was the most normal thing in the world. “They agreed, and I have eternally served them ever since, protecting the human race and seeking to master the power of sciomancy or shadowmancy.”

  “
Is this going someplace, Luci?” I asked.

  “Your friend was a good man, and I am sorry he is dead,” Lucinda said. “If you ever wish to host a bacchanalia in his honor, I will gladly make all the arrangements and sacrifices.”

  “That’s great...thanks.”

  Lucinda then grabbed me and picked me up in her arms, giving me a tight hug that almost crushed me. “Know that you are Vampire and that is something to be proud of! A warrior’s death is the highest honor any Bloodsworn can aspire to after becoming a god of the evening. They shall toast him in the First Circle of Hell where the righteous damned feast with succubi and the old gods.”

  “I am completely consoled!” I said, really wishing she’d go away.

  “Excellent!” Lucinda said, putting me down. “I shall send over a slaughtered bull and a Ferrari to you later this evening. Ciao.”

  She walked away.

  Sam, Mina, and I watched her disappear into the shadows before vanishing completely.

  “Am I crazy or is she a thousand-year-old vampire Luna Lovegood?” I asked, shaking my head.

  “I have no idea what that means,” Yukie said.

  “She risked a lot to come here,” Sam said, looking depressed and worn out but feeling better than earlier. “The Mexican Catholic Church has broken away from the main branch and declared war on the vampire race. Coming here may have cost her the voivode-ship of the region.”

  “She knows family is what’s important,” I said, looking over at Yukie. “So, how are you doing?”

  “I’m sorry about David,” Yukie said.

  I waved my hand. “Nope, can’t deal with it. I’m going to pretend he’s still alive for the next few hours until sunrise. Then when I wake up in the evening, I’m going to completely collapse. Until then, he’s off getting some finger food.”

  Yukie gave a bitter smile. “Thank you for your help. I wished I could have participated in destroying Magog but stopping Gog made me realize there’s more to my life than revenge. I can give back to this world and hunt the world’s demons.”

  I stared at him. “So, no chance of you staying in town?”