by Romi Hart
“He looks rough,” Nancy told her. “He’s not sleeping and has these huge bags under his eyes. He looks like he rolled out of bed and didn’t even bother to change clothes. And I don’t know when the last time was he shaved. He doesn’t talk much, either.”
Leigh had hung up and cried, then told herself she couldn’t take responsibility for it. She had to live her life the best way she saw fit and not worry about anyone else.
But she worried.
Yes, she’d showered on Monday, and she knew that because it had been the last time she’d gotten a text from Zeke. He had stopped after that. So, maybe that was why she’s lost track of time. Maybe she had been using his calls and messages to measure time. Or maybe, she hadn’t wanted to think about how long it had been since she’d heard from him. Sure, she needed him to forget about her and move on. But part of her didn’t want that.
She was still crazy about that man, and there was a part of her that wanted him to feel the same for her. His messages, his desperation, made her feel desired, like he missed her as much as she missed him. And that, in a terribly selfish way, felt good.
And then there was the piece of her that felt like she deserved the reminder because she needed to suffer the guilt of hurting someone like Zeke. So many people had walked away from him, so many had left him disappointed, and she had vowed never to burn him like this. Her selfish need to be certain of the future had allowed her to break that promise, and his attempts to contact her were salt in the wound that she needed to feel, a penance.
As she stepped out of the shower to towel off, she felt outwardly refreshed, but internally, she felt more soiled than ever. She was a terrible human being, and she should be punished for it. And what better punishment than knowing she would never find anyone who compared to Zeke? She would never feel that sort of excitement when another man walked into the room, never want so badly to crawl into bed with him, whether to be held or to be filled with his desire.
She would never yearn for anyone else when they weren’t together the way she had for Zeke, and she would never worry about anyone else’s well being with such intensity. Being with anyone else would be settling, and it would be a constant reminder of what she’d given up and who she’d hurt.
Dressed and combed, she headed back into the living room, throwing all the linens in the laundry and washing the pile of dishes. She set the trash out front, vowing to take it to the dumpster after dinner. In fact, she thought about actually cooking dinner tonight, sort of a thanks and apology to her friend for her hospitality.
“I’m going to move,” she announced to Rory, who came back into the room in workout clothes, looking like she expected Leigh to join her at the gym. Rory tilted her head in question, and Leigh chuckled. “You’ve been wonderful, and I am grateful for the hospitality, but I can’t sleep on your couch forever. And I can’t go back to that apartment without thinking someone’s watching me.”
“Someone like the bad guy? Or someone like Zeke?” Rory asked pointedly.
Leigh shrugged. “Either. And I’m going to sell all the furniture. I don’t need anyone following the moving van to the new place. Besides, I think I’m ready to buy, so I can have a brand new setup if I find the right decorator.”
Rory didn’t say anything, just staring at her. Sighing, Leigh stared back. “I thought you’d be proud of me for moving on. Why are you looking at me that way?”
She didn’t answer immediately, but then she shrugged. “Okay. I have to say, you had me worried. I thought your ass was putting down roots in that spot on the couch because you never move. And I can’t believe you let yourself start to smell instead of shower. If that’s what you want to do, I’m supportive. What about your job?”
That part was more difficult. “I still have two weeks off. And then I’m at the other center for a month. I have time to figure it out. Maybe I’ll put in for a permanent transfer to the other facility.”
“Great. Then I have an idea.” It was Leigh’s turn to stare skeptically as Rory practically bounced with inspiration. “There’s a speed dating event tonight. I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to show up alone. So, if you’re really ready to move on, come with me. You don’t have to commit to anything. Just play along, and we’ll have a good laugh afterward.”
A wave of nausea nearly knocked Leigh off her feet, and she shook her head. “No, thanks.”
Narrowing her eyes, Rory asked, “Why not?”
“I’m fresh off the couch. I’m not ready to socialize. And I really don’t even want to consider men and dating, even in a casual way,” Leigh told her. It was all true, but even she knew how thin and weak the excuse sounded. “I don’t think I can hold up to the pressure, either. And I haven’t been to the gym in forever, so I’m not feeling particularly confident.”
“This is me, Leigh,” Rory replied, rolling her eyes. “You think I don’t see through the thin veil of excuses? I have known you for a very long time, and you didn’t even crash like this after you caught Chris with that slut in your bed. You still went to work, and you still went to the gym.”
Frowning, Leigh argued, “I didn’t have to hide from some maniac biker who probably wants to slit my throat to get back at Zeke and the others for taking me back without giving him anything in return.”
“Come on, Leigh. You know that, with a relationship or without, Zeke wouldn’t let that happen. He’d have men on your tail to protect you every day, all day. He’d have guards on your apartment.” Her face softened. “You didn’t want to move when you left Chris. You didn’t want to leave those memories behind, even if they were painful. I’m not the only one you’re trying to fool here, you know.”
Jutting her chin defiantly, Leigh held her ground. “I admit I still have feelings for Zeke. Do you expect those to go away overnight? I mean, I didn’t want to care at all, but he’s a wonderful man with a lot to offer. But there are so many reasons it can’t work, and I can’t put myself in that place. I have to stay away, for my sake and his.”
Rory scoffed. “You said that before. But do you really think you’re doing him a favor? You told me you didn’t want to be a distraction. You think he’s not worried about where you are and if you’re safe every day right now? And do you think he’s not grieving the fact that you aren’t there? Didn’t he have feelings for you, too?”
Leigh opened her mouth to argue, but she couldn’t find any words. Closing her mouth, she thought for a moment. Sure, Zeke cared. But he hadn’t been in love with her, not the way she loved him. He’d never said it, never used those words. And he was a strong man, who could get any woman he wanted. He didn’t need her, and even if he was upset, he’d stopped calling. He had to be over it by now.
To Rory, she said, “It’s better in the long run.”
Sliding into a chair at the kitchen table, Rory let out a long breath. “And what about you, Leigh? Is it really better for you? You’re getting ready to turn your life upside down and start over, just to get away from a man you’re crazy about. Someone who cares about you enough to put himself in harm’s way and save you. Zeke is everything Chris will never be, and you’ve had stars in your eyes for two months. I’ve never seen you happier. But you’re pissing it all away.”
“I’m being reasonable!” Leigh shouted, her heart aching. “I’m doing the right thing!”
“Are you sure about that? Because it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself and don’t quite believe it.” Rory’s tone was soft, her voice quiet, and it made Leigh stop and think.
Was she running away from the best thing that ever happened to her?
“It’s so hard,” she whispered, sinking into another chair and hanging her head in her hands. “I love him, Rory, so much it hurts. And when he left for that meeting, all I could think was that he might not come back. And that made me wonder how often I was going to have that neurotic fear, and how long it would be before the fear became a reality. And he was so adamant about protecting me, I imagined him getting shot or stabbed
again or something, trying to keep me safe, and dying in my stead. How am I supposed to deal with that?”
“With what? A loss that may never happen?” Rory asked, exasperated. “Come on, Leigh! Anyone could have a car accident at any moment, or a heart attack. They could trip and fall and hit their head just right. Is this really a reason to turn your back on something this epic?”
Leigh winced. “I don’t know whether to yell at you for being morbid or laugh at you for being a hopeless romantic.”
“Do both. I don’t care. But get your head on straight and realize that it’s not that much different from a normal relationship. And if you ask me, the adventure and the devotion make it even better. So, what are you going to do? Are you going to let your head keep pushing you to do the vanilla, boring thing, or are you going to listen to your heart? I hate to sound like some romance novel, but maybe you should take a chance on love.”
A fist squeezed Leigh’s chest, and she couldn’t separate her fear from her desire. She was petrified of an uncertain future, but she was just as terrified of never seeing Zeke again, of something happening to him when she wasn’t around. What if he had an accident, and she didn’t even know about it? Wouldn’t that be just as bad as losing him?
The question was, what chance did she have now? She’d done her level best to erase him from her life. She’d run away, hidden out, and refused his attempts to contact her. And he’d finally lost interest, if his lack of calls and texts were any proof. Wouldn’t any attempt to speak to him be humiliating? He’d just turn her away. He probably hated her now, never wanted anything to do with her again. And she might have ruined the good man he worked so hard to bury beneath the gruff exterior.
But as much as she hated to admit it, Rory had a point. She couldn’t go on like this. She was dying slowly, fading into a dark, hollow place. And she didn’t know if she’d be able to crawl out of it. She’d get stuck, if not next time, then eventually, and she might not recover. She’d treated suicidal patients in the hospital, had first hand experience with their hopelessness. And for a moment, she’d felt very close to that.
She couldn’t give up now, not if there was any chance. She had to swallow her pride, swallow her fear, and remind herself that every day was a joy. And if she wasn’t clinging to all the wonders of life in that moment, what was the point of worrying about the future? “I don’t even know what to say,” she whispered, more to herself than to Rory.
But her friend replied in a low voice. “Don’t overthink it. Go find him and say whatever you’re feeling. Let it come out naturally, for once in your planned out, perfect life.”
Yes, Leigh was tired of planning ahead. She was tired of always worrying that things wouldn’t turn out the way she planned. That’s what had happened with Chris. She’d met him, seen the potential, and planned it all out. Even falling for him had been part of a plan, not something she’d done because he was the right man. With Zeke, that was different. Nothing about their relationship had been planned, and the spontaneity was thrilling, made her love him even more.
So, if she wanted to get him back, what better way than to be spontaneous? Finally lifting her head, she told Rory, “I was going to make dinner. But I can’t. I just can’t do this. I’ve tried to let him go, and I probably still should. But if there’s a chance we can make it work, I have to step off that cliff and hope we have at least one working parachute between us.”
Rory laughed. “Well, there’s an image anyway.” She stood and came over to Leigh, who also got to her feet. “Listen, you go take care of business and don’t worry about me. Maybe I’ll meet some stud at the gym, and we’ll go to dinner together at some healthy restaurant. And if things don’t go well, you text me, and I’ll leave Mr. Muscles and head here with ice cream and tissue for reinforcement, okay?”
Leigh laughed, near tears herself. She was anxious, in both a good and bad way, about this. What if she got to the clubhouse and he wasn’t there? She could go to his house, but that would be even more difficult. And what if…
She stopped herself. She was future tripping again, and she had to stop. Just for today, she told herself, repeating something she’d heard addicts in recovery say to themselves to get through difficult moments. She could do this, and she wasn’t going to make a mess of things, whether it went her way or not.
Grabbing her purse and keys, she headed out into the bright sunshine, blinking against it. Yes, even if this went disastrously, she had to get out more. She was going to turn into a cave troll. Hopefully, Zeke was receptive and gave her another chance. She could handle a ride on the bike in this sort of weather.
19
“You should stop drinking.”
Zeke raised an eyebrow at Harrison, standing in front of him with his arms crossed. “Leave me alone, brother.” He wasn’t drunk. He didn’t want to be. But he had to do something to numb the pain. Without a single response from Leigh, he’d finally backed off a few days ago, and the agony had been so acute, so overwhelming, he couldn’t function. He’d barely made it out of the bed into the bar to pour himself a shot.
He hadn’t been home since the night she’d left.
The only distraction had been the raid against the Ravens, and Zeke had thrown himself into the effort, using his defeat and his rage to tear into the club. It was a blur, but he’d taken out at least four men without a single injury. And his knee hadn’t even given him an issue.
No one had gotten to Gomez, though. He’d gone underground, and that worried Zeke, especially since he had no leads on where Leigh was. She hadn’t returned to work, hadn’t been to the gym, and hadn’t been home, either. None of her neighbors had seen her, and while he thought she might have gone to stay with that friend of hers, he couldn’t track Rory down, either. He didn’t know her last name or where she worked.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” Harrison said, sitting down and popping the top on a beer. “You’re a good man, and you deserve better.”
All but growling at his brother, Zeke slammed his palm on the table. “There isn’t better out there, Harrison. Especially not for me. I hit the jackpot and squandered it. Or maybe I just had a hole in the bank box, and it slipped out of my fingers because I’m not good enough to hold onto anything worth keeping.”
Harrison didn’t speak at first, spinning his beer around. Then, he sighed heavily. “Did you ever stop to think that it’s normal to get cold feet and run scared? Or that a woman who’s never seen this sort of life might be overwhelmed? Maybe she just needs time, and you’ve been smothering her with all your calls and texts and trying to hunt her down.”
Zeke shook his head. “I’ve only called or texted once a day, and I haven’t done either in days now.” He had kept an eye on her usual haunts, setting up prospects to watch round the clock at her apartment and during the day at the hospital, but he’d made sure they were discreet. And he’d only asked two neighbors and Nancy, each of them once, if they’d seen or heard from her.
“Then you should try to find someone else, or let it go,” Harrison said, sounding as defeated as Zeke felt. “Maybe you just needed to figure out what you were looking for in a woman. And now that you know, you can find one in the MC community with the same qualities.”
With a sarcastic chuckle, Zeke shook his head. “I appreciate you trying to help, Harrison, but it’s obvious you don’t have the first clue what the hell you’re talking about. You’ve never been in love, have you?”
Scowling, Harrison shook his head. “Is that what’s going on, Zeke? Are you actually in love with the girl?”
Shooting him a warning glare, Zeke asked, “Are you going to flip me shit about that, too?”
He held up his hands in surrender. “I just didn’t realize it had gotten that far. I guess I’m used to you having a new babe on the back of your bike every couple of days, and maybe you just wanted to slow down a little. I knew you liked her, but I didn’t know you were in love with her.”
“You’re not the only one,” Zek
e admitted. “I never got a chance to tell her, and that’s one of the worst things about this situation.”
“No, the worst thing is that you look like hell,” Rafe said, drawing up next to them and pulling up a chair. He flipped it around and straddled it, folding his arms over the back of it. “I’m staging an intervention.”
Grunting, Zeke shook his head again. “Why can’t everyone just leave me the hell alone? I’m not drunk, I’m not drinking myself into oblivion. I’m just trying to take the edge off so I don’t end up in a padded cell.”
“Well, it’s only going to work if you don’t marinate in your own filth,” Rafe argued. “If you sit here and turn into some funky piece of garbage, Corey’s going to kick your ass to the curb. And no one’s going to follow you to save you because you’ll be contaminated. Besides, I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat anything. Why don’t you come over for dinner? Kira’s cooking up a pot roast.”
Normally that would have sounded amazing, but his appetite had died, along with his heart. “Thanks. No thanks. I don’t need the two of you showing me an example of a perfect union. It’s adorable and nauseating.”
“Then come get some barbecue at Sam’s,” Harrison offered. Sam’s had the best ribs in Texas, and it was tempting, but the idea of showering and shaving – which was part of this whole intervention, Zeke was sure – and then having to go out in public sounded like a bit much.
“I’m not leaving the clubhouse,” he told them. “And I showered this morning, asshole,” he launched at Rafe. “I’m not foul.”
“Okay, I’ll give you a fifty-fifty,” Harrison said. Zeke narrowed his eyes, skeptical of what he meant. “We’ll flip a coin. Heads, you shave and come with me. Tails, we send someone to pick up some food and bring it back. Either way, you’re going to eat.”
