by René, Dani
Rearing my hand with a growl, I fling the device against the wall, watching it shatter into pieces as it falls to the floor, just like the pieces of the heart I once had. Because the moment she hit send on that message, I know I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
Through the searing pain that rips into my chest, I breathe, I focus, and I close my eyes. I haven’t ever cried. I don’t remember as a child feeling the need to cry. Even when we buried family members—my uncle, my grandfather, my grandmother, and even my sister—I stood in solidarity alongside my mother as she bawled her eyes out. My father, ever the stoic man I grew up knowing, never shed a tear, and neither did I.
Perhaps Autumn is wrong. In her perception of me, she always believed I’m good, that I’m nothing like the man who raised me. Maybe she didn’t see me for who I truly am.
I’m my father’s son—cold, aloof, and broken.
Chapter Seven
Autumn
No response.
Nothing at all.
It’s been hours.
I don’t know why this hurts so much, but it does. It feels like I can’t breathe. It’s as if my chest has been ripped open. My stomach feels like there’s a heavy weight inside it, dragging me down.
I haven’t stopped crying. My eyes are puffy, my chest hurts so badly, and I can’t breathe properly. It’s the first time I’ve ever had my heart broken because I never gave it away to anyone but JD. And now he’s gone. I don’t know why he’s decided to do it on my birthday, but my gut instinct is that it’s his father’s doing.
I don’t believe for a second JD would hurt me like this. Curling farther under the covers, I pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes. I want to run away, to go to him and ask him what the hell he’s doing. I want to punch him, to make him hurt just like I’m hurting, but I know nothing can ever ache as much as a broken heart.
“Sweet girl,” my momma calls to me from the doorway, but I can’t bring myself to lift my head. I don’t want to see the sunlight. Being here in the dark is where I want to spend the day. I don’t care if it’s my birthday, and I definitely don’t care if I’m finally eighteen. Nothing feels real anymore. Perhaps just focusing on school, like I have done all my life, is the way to go.
The last time my heart hurt so much I said goodbye to my father. And now I say goodbye to another man I loved with my whole heart.
“Something arrived for you,” momma says with a sigh when I don’t move. But her words have me pushing the blanket off and scooting up in bed. “I think he sent it, but I can’t be sure. It was delivered by a courier.”
She hands me the envelope. It’s thick, and I wonder what could be in here. Ripping it open, I find a small USB with a note that reads "Watch me" and nothing else.
Momma grabs my laptop from my desk and hands it to me. She looks as concerned as I feel. I know she loves JD like a son. When she accepted our friendship, it was the second happiest day of my life. The happiest would be the day I met him.
Inserting the USB into my computer, I wait for it to power up. I inhale a few deep breaths, needing to calm down. My heart ricochets against my chest painfully. Even through the puffiness of my eyes, I can see the screen. I tap on the icon, and a video pops up along with a full screen of JD’s handsome face.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Momma tells me as she leans in to press a kiss on my forehead. “If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen.” Once she shuts my bedroom door, I blow out a breath and hit play.
“I shouldn’t be doing this, but I couldn’t let you think I don’t feel the same. Autumn, you’ve been my best friend, my light when I needed it most. You’ve gotten me through dark times I never thought I would see the end of. It’s always your face I’ll see when I venture off onto this stupid mission. My father is sending me away. He wants me to spend a couple of years with the SEALs, just like he did.”
There’s a slight pause as he reaches on the bed for something. Then he lifts it, and I notice it’s a small sculpted bird. A gorgeous blue jay, which is what the other object in the envelope is. Wrapped in a handkerchief that smells just like him, I find the delicate ornament.
“I’ve wanted to give you this for so long, and tonight would’ve been perfect. I’m sorry I can’t be there. I would if I could. Please be careful when you’re out, or alone. I don’t think he’ll do something, but my dad wasn’t happy when he spoke to me earlier. He knows about us, Autumn. Be careful. And I love you. I always have. I’ll always love my songbird.”
The video dies, the screen goes black, and I can’t see JD’s face anymore, which brings tears to my eyes. They burn, and I blink, allowing them to fall. It feels like someone has taken a knife and stabbed me. The blade twisting in my gut, making it difficult to breathe.
Curling my legs up, I wrap my arms around my knees, needing to feel smaller, hoping that curling up like this will calm the pain currently shooting through my chest. It’s almost as if I can hear the crack of my heart. He did something he shouldn’t have done. JD’s dad had forbidden him to talk to me, and now that he knows about our friendship, I’m worried about JD. He took a chance to send me this video. He said he shouldn’t be doing it, but he still did. Which has two warring feelings rushing through me—sadness and happiness. They meld together, making my heart ache, yet soar because he does love me. If he didn’t, he would never have said goodbye.
I don’t know how I’ll survive this. It feels as if the air has been knocked from my lungs, and I’m empty. I’m nothing more than a shell. I know I’m overexaggerating, but I can’t help it. He’s been my world for so long, ten long years, and now, he’s gone.
I hear the door open and close. I feel my mother, and then I don’t. I sleep, and then I wake. Time passes, but it feels like none at all because when I open my eyes hours later, the luminous sky is peeking through my bedroom window.
I don’t know how many hours have gone by, but I know the moment I move from this bed, everything will be much more real than I want it to be. Perhaps I can lie here, pretend nothing happened. But when my mother walks into my room holding a plate of waffles meant to cheer me, I know I have to survive this.
“Sweet girl,” she calls to me in a soft tone. “I’m starting work early. Have these; they’re warm, drenched in syrup just how you like them.” I nod, but I don’t know if she sees me. She must because she presses a kiss to my head and leaves me alone again.
I feel like Bella Swan after Edward leaves. I never understood why she acted like that, why she was frozen in the one place he would be strongest in her memory, her bedroom. But now I get it. It’s because she just couldn’t believe he was ever in her life.
I can understand it.
I feel it right down to my very soul.
And I don’t know how to get through it.
Chapter Eight
JD
“James Dylan.” The deep growl of the man who is here to welcome me comes from behind me. When I turn to regard him, I straighten my spine. He looks like a man who doesn’t take shit. Even though I’m still reeling from the past twenty-four hours, I know I need to get my shit together, or I’ll be sent packing before this shitshow has even started.
“Good morning, sir,” I greet him, noting his crow’s feet at the corner of his eyes. He’s dressed in his uniform with medals adorning his chest. The man before me served with my father way back, and even though Dad left the navy after only four years, Captain Renard is still here, doing his duty.
“It will be good to see another Montagu in uniform once you’ve started the program. But I have to remind you, it doesn’t matter what your name is, who your father is, you’ll be treated just like any other recruit. Do you understand me?” He regards me all dressed up, and I don’t know why, but pride fills my chest for a moment before the searing agony takes its place.
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” I respond with a respectful nod. I never saw myself here. Ever. When my father agreed to let me go to Jackson and see if I was able to get a job with
Cole Security, I was over the moon. And now that I’m here, I feel like a child being punished by his parents for misbehaving.
“Are you ready for this?” he asks in a gruff tone. When they informed us about the training we were about to embark on, I knew I was in for it.
I want to say no, to tell him I’m not meant to be here. That I should be back home in New York, but if I said something like that, my father would hear about it.
“Yes, sir.” I was already informed of the strenuous training I have to look forward to. But even with my body here, having to go through this, my heart and mind are a million miles away.
On the flight here, I told myself I’ll complete my basic training, and then talk to Dad to see if he’ll allow me to come home. Perhaps if I can stick it out for that long, he’ll appease me. But that still means I’ll be away from Autumn for far too long. It feels like a lifetime. But I trust my girl. Once this shitshow is done, I will go back and claim her. She knows I love her, and I will make sure she knows it for the rest of her life.
Obeying my father’s wishes is one thing, and completing my training will certainly make him happy, but I didn’t agree to anything more than that. The moment I’m back in New York, I’ll get my girl, and we will head to Virginia where I can meet with Jackson.
“Grim will show you where you’re meant to go. He’ll talk you through everything,” Renard tells me. “Don’t disappoint, Montagu. This is something I know your father will be proud of. And if you feel like a pussy and you want to run home, then you tell me.”
“I’m here, sir. I’m not leaving,” I tell him, keeping my shoulders squared. Either he wants me to fail, or he’s ready to send me packing. My father’s friend will, of course, be keeping an eye on me. I’m sure Dad’s filled him in about what I’m supposed to go through, and I don’t doubt Renard will ensure I’m put through my paces.
I look over at Grim. The man looks like a fifty-ton block of cement.
“What’s your name?” he questions, looking at me as if he’s ready to toss me over his shoulder and fling me for miles.
“JD.” I offer my hand, which for a moment, I’m sure he’s going to ignore, but seconds later, he takes it, and we shake. His grip is tough, serious, and I can’t help but feel comfortable in his presence.
“So, what brings your skinny ass here?” This time, he chuckles. It’s strange to see someone who looks like that laughing. He looks formidable rather than friendly.
“My dad thought I needed toughening up because I didn’t obey his rules,” I tell Grim as he leads us through the grounds and into a building which looks like I’ll be missing a lot of creature comforts while I’m here.
“Ah, yeah, been there, done that. Folks can be assholes when they want to be,” he tells me before nudging his head to the right, and I follow along with my suitcase and a smaller backpack weighing me down.
After walking down a long hallway, he stops and pushes open a door and steps aside. The large open space is filled with bunks in neat rows against the walls, along with wall lockers and trunks at the foot end of each bed. No privacy, no solitude.
“That’s your one,” Grim points out to one closest to the back of the shared space. He follows me deeper into the room, and I take in my new sleeping quarters. I’m in the thick of it now.
I dump my bags on the floor, sitting on the bunk bed that’s clearly not been used in a while from what I can tell.
Grim settles on what I’m guessing is his bunk which is opposite me. “So, tell me what’s really brought you here? Most of us are here because we’ve wanted this our whole lives; others are here to prove something to themselves. You don’t strike me as the type to willingly put yourself here.”
“I’m here because my father was a SEAL. When he left, he started working as an operative. The man knows everything and can find out anything. I can’t really talk about his work because he’s never told me anything.”
“What about a girl? You got one back home?” Grim smiles, his eyes filled with humor when I sit back and sigh. “I knew it.”
“Yeah, she’s perfect. But we only just admitted we loved each other, then my dad decides to send me away.” The bitterness in my tone is clear. The anger drips from my words, but I can no longer hide it.
“So, you’re a lover boy,” Grim says with a chuckle. “Listen, if she’s as perfect as you say, she’ll wait for you. I know most girls do. Granted, I’ve heard some sob stories from men who go back after serving, and they find their girl bouncing on another dick.”
I can’t help but wince. I can’t imagine Autumn being with anyone else. When she told me she loved me, I could see the truth in her eyes. Even though I couldn’t answer her text messages, I’ve tried to let her know I’m not leaving voluntarily.
“She’s not like that,” I tell Grim. “She’s a good girl. One of those who comes along once in a lifetime.” He looks at me for a long moment before he nods. “So, why are you called Grim?”
“Well, Renard reckons I could kill anything I put my hands on. The Grim Reaper.” He chuckles. “We all have our call signs here. Most of the guys are young, eighteen, so they’re all for it. I happily took on Grim because, at times in here, I feel like it.”
“How long have you been here?”
He pins me with a stare. “One week.” There’s a sadness to him. Like he’s battling something internally. “I came here to escape the shit I’ve been dealing with back home. All my life, my stepdad thought it’d be good to beat up the boy who isn’t his son. When I turned eighteen, I fought back.”
“Shit.”
He nods. “Anyway, when my mother died, I figured I could walk out. The asshole still called me back, told me he’d change. People don’t change. They’re set in their ways.”
“Yeah, they are. There’s no excuse to be a bastard though.”
He shrugs, leaning back with his hands behind him. He looks me dead in the eye. “You better toughen up, Lover Boy. You’re in for quite an intense few weeks.” He smirks at me, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Lover Boy?”
“Yeah, suits you. Far too pretty to be here. But then again, women love a man in uniform. Don’t they?
“They can love all they want. I’m taken, man.” I push off the bed and start unpacking. I’ll be here a while, so I may as well get comfortable. We settle into an easy conversation about food, drink, and women. It seems Grim enjoys his uniform and the women who love it far too much. But I can’t fault the guy. If I were single, I would too.
Even though Autumn and I didn’t actually confirm we’re together, I’ve got my mind set that we are.
Nothing will change my love for her. Not this stupid fucking distance. Not my overbearing father. Not the time I’ll be away from her.
“Listen,” Grim says after a while. “I know she’ll be on your mind for a while. But if you keep your head in the game, work hard, he’ll probably allow you to go home for a week to see her.”
“I can do that?” With the thought of possibly seeing her soon, I’ll do what Grim says. But what worries me is—will she wait for me?
Chapter Nine
Autumn
Time has passed. Too much time.
I haven’t heard from him since he left, and it’s been months. I haven’t counted the days because it seemed pointless. With each week that slipped by, I knew I wasn’t going to see him anytime soon.
I haven’t ventured to the places that reminded me of him. I focused on school. Now that I’ve chosen to study music, to follow in the footsteps of my mother, I feel like perhaps there’s a chance I can heal.
My momma was glad to see me leave my bedroom, to hear that I wanted to go to college. Even though I still felt like a shell of who I was with him, I know I can’t sit frozen in place for the rest of my life.
Even though I want to.
Even though I’d love to spend my days crying in my bedroom, the world is still spinning, and it’s going to leave me behind if I don’t force myself out every day.
All I can do is attempt to continue on and pray that sometime soon, he’ll return.
It’s my first day of school at the incredible Manhattan School of Music. The same place my momma studied when she was my age, and I feel aimless and lonely. Even though the other students have been welcoming, I still miss him so much. I can’t mention his name. Just the thought of him, his smile, his laugh, even just the utterance of him makes my chest ache.
I feel as if I’ve been pushed into a dream, and I’m not escaping anytime soon. My mother says I’ll grow out of it, that I’ll get over him, but I don’t see how that’s possible. He’s been my life for so long, and perhaps it’s a bad idea to even think that way. I’m young, but I can’t stop my mind from replaying our life together.
“Hi.” A voice startles me as I make my way through the doors. I turn to find wide blue eyes staring back at me. The boy looking at me is the complete opposite of him, and I nod in greeting. “You’re Autumn?” he asks, looking at me expectantly.
“Yeah.”
I must look confused because he tells me, “I’m in your classical piano class.” The blue in his eyes flickers when he stares at me. His smile brings dimples to his cheeks, and his tousled blond hair hangs over his forehead. He looks like a nice person, but I’m most definitely not in the mood to be friendly.
“Okay.”
“I just wanted to say hi. I notice you’re alone, and I hope you don’t mind me being so nosy, but don’t you have any friends here?”
He’s right. I am always on my own. It never occurred to me that people would notice. Everyone always seems to be on their own mission, and I figured I could be too. “Yeah. I mean, I haven’t had a chance to meet anyone yet. It’s my first day.”
