Definitely sounded like he’d wanted Lara to ask him, though. Or maybe I was imagining that.
“You wouldn’t want to miss it, Patterson,” she said, and Matt actually bit his lower lip while he held eye contact with her. I got the strangest feeling Matt was going to picture her saying that while making out with his pillow or something later that evening.
“So, anyway,” Will said without looking at me. “That new Marvel movie’s out this weekend. Anyone down?”
“What, you wanna go to the movies?” Matt asked. “Sure you don’t wanna just go with Jess?”
Somewhere inside of me, a dark cloud of wrath, rage, and indignation started twisting my intestines into sailor knots.
“No,” Will said.
“Besides, since when do we pay for movies?” Darnell asked around a mouthful of salad.
“Exactly,” Will said. “My parents just got a new TV, it’s, like, seventy-five inches or something ridiculous. We could stream it.”
“Are we invited?” Niamh asked.
Darnell brightened. “Ye—”
“Sorry,” Will interrupted. “Guys’ night only.”
“So, Ollie’s invited?” Lara asked with a pointed gaze.
Well, from the look on Will’s face, you’d have thought she’d suggested burning the place down in a crazed satanic ritual once the movie was over.
“Seems kind of rude to bring it up in front of us if you’re not going to ask us,” Juliette said mildly.
“Like we’d want to haul ass all the way out to Napier to watch a blurry camcorder copy of another superhero movie,” Lara said. “I’m sure we can find something actually entertaining to do with our Saturday night, girls.”
I wasn’t exactly sure if I counted as a girl in this scenario, but I nodded anyway.
After lunch, I caught up with Lara and walked next to her for a few steps, trying to get up the nerve to ask her.
She got there first. “You come here to dump me?”
“What? As my date, you mean?”
“Well I don’t mean as your girlfriend.”
I paused. “I wanted to know if you were serious.”
“Duh. Do you have anyone better to go with?”
She was walking faster down the hall now and I had to scramble to keep up. “Not really.”
“Yeah, well, neither do I. So let’s coordinate outfits and look better than both of them, all right?”
She stopped her near-sprint and turned to face me, one eyebrow raised in a challenge.
Well, shit. Who would’ve thought Lara would be asking me to a dance? And who would’ve thought I’d ever say yes?
But I was about to, wasn’t I?
I shrugged, and folded my arms. “All right.”
In my pocket, my phone buzzed, and I pulled it out while Lara blatantly peeked.
Friday, 12:32 PM
Meet me in the parking lot after
school?
The parking lot was mostly empty by the time Will sheepishly appeared and shuffled to my car. He offered me a weak smile that I didn’t return. I just leaned against my hood and waited.
“I wanted to tell you,” he said in a low voice as soon as he got close enough.
“Yeah, well, you didn’t.”
“I was going to next time I saw you.”
“You saw me yesterday. You didn’t say a thing. You didn’t have any trouble telling the guys.”
“I didn’t, I swear. Jess told Matt.”
“Why did she tell Matt?”
“I don’t know, Ollie!” he said, flinging his hands up in frustration. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“Sorry you didn’t tell me or sorry you’re going with her?” I asked, my voice hard.
He blinked at me. “It doesn’t mean anything,” he said. “I promise.”
“Yeah.”
“I would go with you if I could.”
I tried to smile, but my muscles worked against me. The thing is, he could. He was just choosing not to. And whether they were good reasons or not, he was still choosing not to go with me. And if he absolutely had to do that, fine, but couldn’t he go alone?
I probably should’ve said that to him, but I didn’t for two reasons. One, because I was terrified he’d hear me practically beg him to do something important for me and still say no. Two, because I didn’t want him to go alone because I asked him to. I wanted him to go alone because he truly believed that if he couldn’t go with me, he didn’t want to go with anyone.
“I can’t wait to see you all suited up,” Will said in a quiet voice. “I really do wish I could go with you.”
He was looking at me in this intense way. No one had ever looked at me like that before. Like I was the most special person in the world, and he’d only just realized.
I opened my mouth, and a whole bunch of really appropriate things were supposed to come out. Something along the lines of “Thank you,” or, “I’ll text you later,” or, “It’s super cold out here, huh.”
But then my mouth—completely of its own accord, may I add—did something really stupid.
It said, “I love you.”
Will and I both froze. I don’t know which of us was more shocked, to be honest. Where the hell had that even come from? Of all the times I could’ve picked, and I’d gone with “right after being told he’s going to the dance with his ex-girlfriend.” I didn’t have a clue why I’d said that. Why did I say that? I was so angry, and hurt, and I came out with that? If your meal has a freaking toenail in it, you don’t ask for a dessert menu. If your not-really-boyfriend does something selfish that makes you feel worthless, you don’t tell them you love them.
I guess I’d wanted to hear him say it back. Because as long as he loved me, then the other stuff didn’t matter, right?
Right?
He gave me a sort-of-smile, but it was more of an “I don’t know how to make this less awkward” smile than an “oh my God the guy I love loves me back” kind of smile.
Mayday. Time to bail out. Immediately. “Well, anyway, I—”
“I really, really like you,” Will said at the same time.
“Oh.” Wow, that came out more high-pitched than I’d hoped. “Cool. That’s really—”
“I care about you a lot.”
“Awesome.” I had to leave right now or it was going to be super obvious I was upset. “Thank you. Wow, it’s, uh, super cold out here, huh? Hey, I actually have this huge essay due Monday and I really need to get home and start on it. So, I’ll text you later?”
Nailed it.
Will studied me for so long I thought he was going to try to let me down easily. I sent him a firm message with my eyes. Don’t. Do not. Please pretend I never said I love you. Please ignore it for me.
“Yeah, sounds good,” he said finally. “I’ll see you later.”
Then we walked away from each other.
Wait, so he was just going to ignore it? The audacity. I tried not to look like I was stalking my way to my car, even though that’s exactly what I was doing.
Okay, so maybe I didn’t want to pretend I’d never said it.
But I didn’t want to hear how much he liked me, either.
I wanted to hear he loved me.
Why didn’t he say it?
Had I said it too soon? How soon were you supposed to bring that up? Why hadn’t I done some research on this first? I’d never said I love you before, I didn’t know how it worked. I mean, we’d been a thing for seven months now, on and off. It was reasonable to love someone by seven months, right? Wasn’t it weirder that he didn’t love me yet?
Oh my God, he didn’t love me.
My hands were shaking as I got out my keys, and it took me three tries to slot one into the ignition. As soon as the car started, a Letlive song blasted out at full volume. I smacked the power button so hard I hurt my hand. It didn’t matter, though. I just needed to leave. Now.
I got out of the parking lot and drove over several streets. I didn’t know which way Will took home, bu
t there was no way he’d come down this many side streets. Still, I weaved my way through a few more to be safe. I drove aimlessly for a while, then my breath started catching in my throat. I managed to pull to the side of the road, swore as loudly as I could, and then smacked my fist against the dashboard.
But yelling and hitting things didn’t make it go away. Images started swirling around and around and around. Will screwing up his face at the thought of dressing like me. Turning his back on me at the beginning-of-school party. Looking at me across the cafeteria then looking away. And those endless weeks of silence after summer.
He could’ve logged into his accounts on someone else’s phone, I realized suddenly. I’d accepted his excuse at the time, him being grounded and all. But so what? Why didn’t he try harder? If he really cared about me, why didn’t he find a way around the rules, even if it was only to let me know why he’d be AWOL? Surely he’d realized what I’d be thinking when he disappeared. How I would’ve felt. Why didn’t he care enough to find a way to reach me?
That was the point. He didn’t care enough. Because he didn’t love me then.
And he didn’t love me now.
17
“Now we need one in front of the fireplace,” Mom said, dropping her phone down by her side. Lara and I were standing in the living room, ready to head to the dance, and we were quickly realizing the dance was still quite a while away at this rate. Mom had already taken photos of us on the front porch (to take advantage of the golden hour), by the back door (because the pane has a really lovely design), and sitting together on the couch (because I just like the way those kind of photos look, Oliver). “Oh, but just wait, I need to put the vase back up. I took it down to dust, now where is it?”
“No one’s going to be looking at the vase, Cathy,” Aunt Linda said from the couch, cuddling the faux mink blanket around her. “Not with these two sexy young things front and center.”
Lara grabbed her powder-pink skirt and ruffled it for Aunt Linda, posing for a picture no one was taking. Aunt Linda held up a finger and pulled out her own phone. “Hold on, we need some photoshoot music if we’re taking this seriously.” A few seconds later and the opening bars to “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” played.
“Little vintage, don’t you think?” I asked.
“Watch yourself, I danced to this at my prom,” Aunt Linda said.
“Exactly. Vintage.”
“I’m ignoring that.”
Mom came back into the room with a vase full of fresh flowers she’d stolen from the neighbor’s yard that had grown over into ours. “Here. Perfect. Now, I’ll just get you two to stand over here.”
Mom adjusted us like props while Aunt Linda merrily belted out LeAnn Rimes in the background. She was in particularly good spirits today. Aunt Linda, I mean. Mom was a ball of stress.
Mom took a few more photos of us—flash on and off— while instructing me to smile “more naturally, no, naturally, you look like you’re in a political hostage video.” Lara got no criticisms or critiques. Lara was made for the camera, apparently.
“Ollie couldn’t have gotten a more beautiful date, Lara,” Aunt Linda said when we were finally set free.
“She means because you’re beautiful, I assume, not because I’m so hideous you’re the best I could possibly do,” I said.
“You sure she didn’t mean because I’m hopefully the last time you’ll have to take a girl to a dance?” Lara asked innocently.
“Partly,” Aunt Linda replied, holding up a finger. She struggled to sit up straighter on the couch for a moment, then, panting, she clasped her hands together. “But also, Ollie, are you hoping to get married one day?”
“Ah, yes, ideally, but we’ll see. Why?”
She paused and turned LeAnn off. Apparently she meant business. “Because one day you’ll be all dressed up and taking photos with the person you love more than anything in the world. And I just want you to know that I’ll be there. Maybe physically, maybe not, but I’ll be there either way. So when the day comes, you’ll be getting a huge hug from me at some point. Be on the lookout for it.”
“I won’t need to be on the lookout for it, because you’ll be there physically, and I’ll know exactly when you’re hugging me.”
“You’ll know either way,” she said. Her voice was strained, and her eyes were glassy.
Seeing Aunt Linda cry made me tear up a little.
“It’s okay, I’m okay,” she said, flapping her hands then wiping under her eyes. “Argh. Sorry. You’re just so handsome. I’m glad I got to see it.”
Okay, so I was tearing up more than a little now. “I’m glad you did, too.”
Even Lara’s bottom lip started wobbling a bit. Huh. So she did have a heart. Then she smacked my arm. “Come on, perk up. You don’t want to be blotchy in the photos, do you?”
Ah. That was more like it.
Lara and I managed to arrive fashionably late.
The school gym was spilling over with students, and the room was a sea of color. Interestingly, that color was mainly yellow. Dresses and ties, not decorations. Apparently it was the shade of the season. Not that I’d gotten the memo with my cobalt-blue tie.
Most of the room was dimly lit, with disco balls set up to mimic the effect of snowflakes falling. Along the walls hung glittery white flower arrangements, and about twenty large round tables filled the far end of the room. Half the seats were taken already, the places held by strategically placed clutches and handbags.
Not far away from us, Renee stood with a group of her friends. She was wearing a form-fitting, honey-colored dress, and had her auburn hair curled and scooped into a half-ponytail.
“A lot of people, here,” I commented to Lara, who was too busy objectifying Renee to reply.
I had to scan the room for a surprisingly long time before I spotted Will. He stood over by the tables with Matt, leaning against a chair and laughing about something, with Jess nowhere in sight. He’d paired a tailored blazer with dark gray pants and a light gray T-shirt. Even though I wouldn’t have dreamed of wearing a T-shirt to a dance, he didn’t come off as informal, somehow. Just sexy as hell. Why was it that guys like Will were able to play chicken with the rules and come out on top? If I wore a blazer and a T-shirt, I’d look like I’d gotten disoriented halfway through dressing.
When Will glanced up, he happened to look straight across the room at me. I got the feeling he’d already known where I was standing. As soon as he caught my eye, his smile changed to become a little shy, and he ducked his head, still smiling.
I was giving him what was probably the dopiest stare I’d given anyone in my life when Lara yanked me by my elbow to cross over to the refreshments stand. Darnell and Niamh were standing closely together, and their hands kept brushing. It was extremely intimate, and romantic, and oh, look, Lara was leading us over there to break it up, how nice.
“Hey guys,” Lara said. “Don’t you both scrub up well.”
I’d lost sight of Will on the way over here. As I tried to super-casually search for him again, I drifted out of the conversation. It was mostly small-talk, anyway—I got the feeling Niamh and Darnell were hinting that they wanted to be left alone for a bit. I’m sure Lara got the hint, it was more that she didn’t so much care, was all.
The dance floor was pumping already. From the way some of the kids were dancing, it was pretty obvious at least some of them had pre-gamed in someone’s backyard before coming here. In fact, now that I thought about it, Lara had more than likely smuggled her flask along somewhere. I guess she’d just figured I wouldn’t say yes to any. Which, fair. I wouldn’t say yes.
I was so busy people-watching, though, that I totally missed the part of the conversation where Lara excused herself to go talk to Renee. Except she must have, because suddenly she was over with Renee, and they were walking off somewhere together.
Which meant I was an unwilling third wheel, didn’t it?
I turned slowly to Darnell and Niamh. Oh shit. I didn’t know a
nyone else. I had no one I could go talk to. But I definitely wasn’t wanted here. I cleared my throat. “So, how long have you two been here?” I asked.
“I’ve been here for about twenty, but Niamh got here a minute before you two,” Darnell said. Like Niamh, Darnell didn’t seem to possess the nastiness gene, and he said it with such a genuine, friendly smile I couldn’t possibly feel awkward about it.
Except, yes, I could, because it was me, and I would probably feel awkward at my own ninetieth birthday party, surrounded by a room full of people that I’d loved and raised.
“You didn’t come together?” I asked.
Apparently, that was the exact wrong thing to ask. Darnell pursed his lips and cringed, while Niamh opened her mouth into an O shape of doom. “Well, I don’t know, I just think maybe it’s a little early—”
“Right,” Darnell added, when he clearly meant wrong.
“For that,” Niamh finished.
“Okay, gotcha, cool,” I said. “Cooooool.”
This time, when I looked up, Will was standing about four feet away from me. I blinked and took a step back in surprise. “Um, hi?”
“Hey,” he said. “What’s up? Remember what we were talking about earlier today? It’s over here. Wanna come see?”
I did not remember what we were talking about earlier today. Mostly because I was quite sure we did not talk at all earlier today. And talking to Will wasn’t the kind of thing I tended to forget about. At least, I couldn’t remember ever forgetting him.
Well, this was a bother. Frying pans and fire and all that. Niamh and Darnell were only too happy to wave me off, though, so off I trailed after Will to check out the thing we never talked about, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I have never seen anything more uncomfortable in my life,” Will said. “It was like watching a donkey trying to make friends with some unicorns.”
“Are you calling me a donkey?”
“A really, really amazing, awesome donkey. And if you weren’t a donkey, I don’t think I’d like you as much, because unicorns seem like they’d make a lot fewer jokes than donkeys,” Will said, still walking. “Can you imagine a quirky unicorn?”
Only Mostly Devastated Page 16
