"He will be afraid to expose himself for fear of being hurt," Kira speculated.
"What should I do?" I asked, frightened.
"Be honest and ask him if he's in love with you and if he wants to officially become your boyfriend," Kira proposed.
“ Easton would never do it, but Kira is right: ask him but don't expect him to say yes. Prepare for disappointment,” Felicity said.
"You have to decide if you want to continue like this and keep Easton, or if you prefer to steer your relationship with the hope of strengthening your union and making it even more solid," Kira told me.
“ I don't want to continue like this. Today I exploded because I am not good at carrying such stress for too long. However, I'm afraid of losing him. Forever,” I admitted.
"If so, then it means that it really doesn't prove anything important to him."
"This is exactly what I fear most."
18
ALICE
Three days had passed since that quarrel with Easton.
Three days when we avoided each other.
We both waited for the other to come forward, to put aside their pride and to apologize and forget what happened.
However, neither of us moved from our position.
Every day that passed was torture.
I had started to lose hope of being reconciled with Easton and in the evening, when I went to bed, alone, I often felt discouraged and would cry like a child.
Only the support of Kira, Lucas and Felicity gave me the strength to go on.
I had also tried talking to my father about it, but he had laughed, saying that he had never seen a boy more in love than Easton and that soon everything would be all right again.
Unfortunately, his words had not been enough to console me, because I considered my father too naive to understand the situation. Even with my mother, he had been the last to understand that it was over between them and that she would soon ask for a divorce.
One evening, I decided to cheer myself up by tidying the room while Kira and Felicity studied together.
I had amassed so much washing that I had to use two washing machines.
I looked at the time. It was late. At that time, the laundry room was always empty, and I needed at least two out of four empty washing machines to wash everything.
I took my bags and went to the basement.
I quickly said goodbye to Logan, Easton's friend, and roommate, who had just finished doing laundry and was already leaving.
From his look I understood that there was something he wanted to tell me, but I avoided talking to him, and he left without saying a word.
I was just starting to program the second washing machine when I felt a hug from behind.
For a moment I jumped in fear because I had thought I was alone, but then the scent of Easton's skin hit my nostrils and I calmed, although inside I felt the peace that I had been trying to regain crumble.
“ Tell me you want me, Alice. Tell me you're in love with me." His voice was hoarse and painful. It seemed a plea more than a request, as if he had an urgent need to find peace and comfort.
My heart broke in the face of the desperation that I felt in his possessive but rigid embrace. I couldn't look him in the face, but I felt the tension of his body against mine.
"Why?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady, despite the storm that was destroying my soul.
"Just say it."
"Do you want the truth?"
“ No, I want you to tell me what I said and then kiss me. I want you to smile at me like you did in Seattle and swear to me that you'll never smile at anyone else like that."
"I can't do it and you know it."
"I'm asking you please."
Please?
I was worried.
I tried to turn to face him, but he wouldn't let me.
"Easton, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just want to know you're mine."
Again, his need to possess me and control me!
"I understand."
"So?" He urged me.
"It depends."
"On what?"
"Are you in love with me?" I asked with my heart in my throat.
"No," he whispered, intensifying the embrace around my shoulders. His response was a real stab to the heart. I had known that he would answer me that way, but I had hoped to the end that he wouldn't.
"Neither do I," I replied with my last bit of dignity. "I care about you, but for me you're like a brother."
"That's not what I want," Easton frowned nervously.
"Be content."
"When we were together and I gave you pleasure, it didn't seem to me that you were acting like a sister," he tried to hurt me and to crack my self-assuredness.
"You are right. It was a mistake. It will never happen again,” I blurted, remaining rigid and taking an indifferent and haughty attitude. I was so hurt that I would do anything to hide my pain from him and the only thing left to protect me was my damned pride.
"You'll change your mind," Easton shouted at me furiously, walking away from me.
When I turned around, he was gone.
I went back to the room.
"What happened?" Kira asked, worried by the tears that began to streak over my face.
"I met Easton and ..." I explained, letting myself be comforted by Kira's warm and maternal embrace.
Eventually I was able to tell my friends everything that had happened in the laundry room.
"I warned you. Easton is an asshole. You have to find a man, Alice,” Felicity asserted convinced.
"I don't think I can do it."
"One nail drives out another, doesn't it?"
"That's not for me."
“ Alice, Felicity is right. You have to start looking around and having fun. Since I met you, all you have done is study or be with Easton. You need to meet new people,” Kira said.
“ A fraternity is having a party tomorrow. Why don't we go?” said Felicity.
“ I can only come if Lucas comes too. If he finds out I'm going to a party alone, then I'll have to deal with his temper," Kira replied enthusiastically.
"I do not know. I don't feel like it,” I sighed hesitantly.
“ You must come. You need to distract yourself,” Felicity tried to convince me, taking my hands in hers.
In the end I accepted.
I didn't sleep a wink that night and the next day I didn't meet Easton even in our American Politics class.
Although unwillingly, in the evening I prepared to go to my first party as a university student.
I dressed simply in a short blue satin dress, a silver blazer and ankle boots. I didn't even wear makeup.
Kira opted for a red dress that came to her knees but with a slit along the right thigh that made the outfit extremely sexy.
"Do you want to drive Lucas crazy with jealousy?" I asked, smiling.
"Maybe," Kira squeaked, amused.
Felicity also went to change and when she came back, she was almost unrecognizable.
Her usual nerdy look had been replaced with a black dress with a wrap skirt and V-neck. For once, she had gathered her hair into a single bun, although she had left several strands free around her face. She had also opted for contact lenses and makeup with shades of pink instead of blue or purple.
"You are beautiful!" I exulted, admired by her transformation.
"I hope so! Tonight, I want to have fun and impress some guy who is willing to appreciate me despite my extra pounds and my slightly frivolous and flirtatious attitude. "
"You're fantastic as you are, Felicity," Kira cheered her up, making her blush.
When we got to the fraternity, we found a hellish mess.
It was full of people, many in high spirits, all with a glass in hand.
And the music was deafening.
Just a glance at Kira's legs by some unwary person was enough to force her to stop and prevent a fight between Lucas and those present.
“ Lucas is a cool guy
, but he has to manage a difficult temper. Sometimes I think he's worse than Easton,” Felicity whispered in my ear.
"Lucas is better than he seems."
"I have no doubt. I take Psychology with him and I can't tell you how many girls would compete to take him to bed, but he doesn't even pay half attention to them. For him only Kira exists. How I would like to find a boy to love me that much,” Felicity sighed, before being able to stop and realize that she had just reopened a still fresh wound. "Sorry, I didn't want to ..."
"Don’t worry. Come on, let's have a drink!” I exclaimed, trying to eliminate the knot that held my throat. Even though I didn't know the place I immediately found the kitchen, where I pounced on the first full glass.
I drank it in one gulp, feeling the alcohol slip down my throat and burn my stomach.
"Take it easy, okay?" Felicity warned me. "You shouldn't even drink alcohol."
"Let's go dancing," I proposed, after draining a second glass and starting to feel the anxiety and all the worries that had been dragging me for days.
After an hour and another dose of alcohol, I was so excited that I started dancing and flirting with anyone who came across me.
Obviously, that was not me, because it was not like me to approach strangers or to show such confidence.
I was going wild, crazy, when I felt someone groping my butt persistently.
I was about to turn around to tell him to end it, when I saw someone get in the way and chase the offender, pushing him away from me.
"Come close to her and I'll cut your balls off!" he threatened.
When I turned around, I found myself lost in two beautiful sky-blue eyes.
They were similar than Easton's but darker, almost green. However, I couldn't be sure because the lighting was rather poor.
Easton ...
Thinking about him made me fall into the abyss from which I was trying to get out of by drinking and dancing until I lost touch with reality.
I looked back at the face.
It wasn't Easton, but Logan, one of his best friends.
I walked over to him and smelled the same scent as Easton's aftershave.
That smell was like yet another push towards the abyss.
I clung to him as if I were seriously afraid of falling, encircling his neck with my arms.
"Are you okay?" he asked worriedly, placing his hands on my hips. "Does Easton know you're here? Alone?"
I could hear his voice, but I was no longer listening to him.
In my clouded mind there was only Easton and everything I missed about him: his kisses, his caresses, his smiles, his laughter ...
As if driven by an urgent need, capable of stopping the wave of suffering that always overwhelmed me, I leaned forward and put my lips on his.
I let them flow, but my kiss was not returned.
Logan's mouth remained stiff and closed as his hands pushed me away from him.
I opened my eyes and finally saw him.
Logan!
Logan, not Easton!
I had just kissed the wrong person!
"Sorry, I didn't mean to," I stammered in total embarrassment. I had been drunk enough to kiss him, but not enough to not realize what I had done. "Please don't tell Easton," I whispered, feeling my tears wet my face.
"Don't tell him what? Did you kiss me or are you in love with him? Easton told me what you said to yourself last night in the laundry room and let me tell you: you are both fools,” he sighed, hugging me gently to console me, while I let myself go in despair.
I could not even answer him because of the unstoppable crying that shook me to the soul.
Yes, I'm in love with him! I love him! I love Easton!
"I'll take you back to the dorm before Easton arrives while you're in this condition," he decided, picking me up. He was muscular enough to make me feel feather-light as he lifted me off the ground.
"I don't want him to see me like that," I managed to say between sobs, holding on to him even more forcefully.
"Alice!" Kira was frightened.
"I'll take her to the dorm," Logan explained.
"Are you sure, Alice? Are you going with him or do you want us to accompany you and Lucas?” Kira asked me, worried.
"I'm going with Logan. You guys have fun, "I murmured, wiping away my tears. Kira had been with me for days instead of Lucas. It wasn't fair that they were sacrificing their time together for me.
"It's all right," Logan whispered to me, when I started crying again, before getting into the car.
"What the hell…? Alice?!" At Easton's voice I stiffened and curled up in Logan's chest to escape him. I closed my eyes so he would not see that I was crying.
“ Alice isn't feeling well, I'm taking her to the dormitory. You have fun without me,” Logan explained.
"Aren't you coming back here?" Ryo asked.
"No, I don’t think so."
"What the fuck does that mean? Aren't you going to be with Alice?!” Easton became furious as he approached. “Put her down. I'll take care of her."
I shrank even closer to Logan. I didn't have the strength to face Easton. I was in pieces.
In my mind he kept hammering his "No" after I asked him if he was in love with me.
“ She’s drunk, Easton. I’m only taking her to her room so she can recover from the hangover. Nothing will happen to her,” Logan justified in a calm voice to reassure his friend.
"Drunk? Alice, what the hell is going on? What are you doing here? Why were you drinking?” Easton attacked me with questions, shaking me and pushing me to face him. "Why are you crying? Has anyone hurt you?” he went on, noticing my tears.
Through the misty view, I barely saw him. He looked shocked, frightened, and furious.
"Alice, I'll take you to the dormitory," he offered when he noticed I didn't answer him.
“ I prefer Logan. Sorry," I whispered, crying again at the thought that I had just kissed his friend thinking it was him, and then realized I loved him so much that I got drunk to bear the pain of his absence and my unrequited love.
I miss you so badly, Easton. Why can't you love me as much as I love you?
"Is this a joke?" He was furious, but Logan no longer listened to him and loaded me into the car.
Only when Easton's voice was lost behind us did I start breathing again.
“ When I met you, I told you that you were taking it out on the wrong person while making Easton's life hell. Today I’m telling you that you are destroying your life and that of my friend, because you do not have the courage to step forward and admit that you love him,” erupted Logan.
"He doesn't want me."
“ What nonsense! Since he met you, he has been talking about you and lately he has been staying with you. He hasn't been to these parties for months. We only convinced him tonight because he was out of sorts lately, even if he didn't tell us why, but I already know you know. Let me guess: that's what you said to yourself last night, isn't it? "
“ I love him, but he doesn't love me. I asked him if we are a couple, what he feels for me and him ...,” I tried to explain, but the pain from that memory blocked the words in my throat.
“ Easton has been my friend for ten years and I love him. I have fun with him, and I know I can count on his friendship. However, there are limits, shortcomings that his tormented personality cannot fill. Over the years I have learned that he will never tell me how important my friendship is to him. But it is, I know. I'm sure. I don't need to hear him say it to confirm it. He shows me every day when we're together and talking or doing something together."
"And you? Did you tell him you love him? "
"No, because he already knows. But we’re boys and there is a different understanding between us than he has with you."
"What is the difference?"
“ The difference is that you are unpredictable, stubborn and what you make him try leads him to feel confused, happy and crazy at the same time. Easton has come to understand that between you there is so
mething that goes beyond friendship, something that is changing him from within, and that scares him and leads him to the last person he loved and who abandoned him before he died. "
"His mother," I understood.
"Exactly. I know you girls have this fixation on love, but if you want Easton you have to be willing to give yourself to him without the security of receiving anything in return. "
"I just wish he would fall in love with me ... like I have with him."
“ Alice, he has been in love with you for a long time, but he is too afraid to get involved, especially because he is afraid of losing you. Someone like Easton would not be able to face another abandonment and he knows it. That's why he decided not to let go anymore. "
"Then I have to give up ever having it reciprocated by him?"
“ I didn't say that, but don't expect him to take the first step. He has too many demons in his past to change overnight. You must give him time, but above all you must be willing to throw yourself into the void for him, offering him all of yourself and what you feel with the awareness that he may not reciprocate. Not immediately, at least. "
"I'm afraid, Logan."
“ Trust me, Easton is more afraid of you, although he would die rather than admit it. It's difficult, I know. That is why it is important that you really know how you feel about him. Only if you love him from the bottom of your heart and are willing to put your pride aside for him, can you have any hope of having Easton. But if you are not sure of your feelings, I advise you to leave him alone, because you would only hurt him and waste your time. "
"I love him," I confessed.
"I know, but how far are you willing to go to be with him?"
"I don’t know. I too am afraid of what I feel for him, and that blocks me. "
"Until you get past that stumbling block, I warn you that things between you and Easton will only go badly, if not worse."
Logan's words hit me like a punch in the stomach, but I knew he was right.
I wanted to be loved by Easton but, when he asked me, I had denied it for fear of later feeling rejected, because I knew that he didn't want ties.
Broken Rules (Love Storm series Book 2) Page 13
