by Lexi Wilson
Not to mention the fact that I didn’t know what to do with Kellie herself. I found it surprising she was able to set up something like a date between her father and me, and it was obvious that she desperately wanted to have something she could call a family again.
I had noticed myself how tired she looked the day before, and I didn’t know what that meant. I had never taken the time to ask him about her illness, though I could only assume that her look had to be a result of that. If she had no hair, it had to be because she was going through chemo. That had to be hard on a child, and I couldn’t imagine what it was doing to Anthony.
The more I thought about it, the worse I felt for declining his invitation to lunch the day before, and the more I felt that I should make it up to him. Whether I had gone to lunch or not was irrelevant. All that mattered to me was that he knew I was there for him and his daughter. If not as his secretary, as his friend.
Finally, lunch rolled around, and I dashed out of the office, telling Molly I might be a few minutes late coming back.
“Don’t be too late; we’re going to need you this afternoon with Anthony gone!” she called after me. I didn’t answer. I didn’t have the time. I ran down the hall to the elevator, and once I was on the ground floor, I hurried out to the cab as quickly as I could. I didn’t have a minute to lose.
When I rounded the corner in Anthony’s apartment building to his door, I finally slowed my pace, taking a deep breath. I didn’t want him to know that I had run all the way through the hall to reach his place. I knocked on the door, squaring my shoulders and waiting.
He opened it, looking disheveled and tired. His eyes widened when he saw me. “What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to make sure you’re alright is all,” I said with a smile. He looked irritated and cranky; instead of being happy I was there like I thought he would be, he seemed annoyed that I had taken the liberty to show up on his doorstep.
“I’m fine. How are things at the office?” he asked, not bothering to soften his tone. I looked at him in surprise, with a little hurt mixed with my expression. I shrugged.
“I guess they’re going well. I just wanted to make sure things are okay with you,” I said again. I knew that I had already said that, but I wasn’t expecting the reaction he had given, and I didn’t know what else to say at this point. I wanted to make things better for him, but I didn’t know how. The only instinct I had left was to give him a hug, but that was the last instinct I would act on.
“I told you I was fine, and I really need you to get back down there. I can’t have all that work piling up without someone there to take care of it,” he snapped.
“Molly and Jace-” I began.
“Molly and Jace are in different departments than you are. The whole reason I hired you was so I could take days off like this and not have to worry about what was going on down there,” he said flatly. I squared my shoulders. I wasn’t angry, but I was hurt. I didn’t know what to say, and I worried that the words that were going to come out of my mouth would sound angry.
“Well, don’t you worry. When you get back to the office tomorrow, you are going to find things just like you left them,” I said. I knew my tone was flat, too, but I didn’t care. I was happy that I hadn’t snapped at him, and I hoped he could see he was being rude. I expected him to soften and apologize, but to my surprise, he didn’t. He looked up and down the hall with the same agitated look on his face, then he turned back to me.
“Good, that’s what I like to hear,” he said. Before I had the chance to say anything else, he closed the door once more.
I was angry. I wanted to knock again and ask him what he thought he was doing treating me that way, but I didn’t. He was clearly going through a lot, and for some reason, he didn’t want to open up to me about it. I couldn’t force him, and there was a part of me that blamed myself.
I could have been more supportive of him the day before, and I wasn’t. With a sigh, I shook my head and turned to go. I’d head back to the office and focus on work, seeing how much I could get done before he got back the next day.
It was all I could do.
Chapter 11
“Daddy, I don’t feel good,” Kellie moaned from the backseat. I looked in the rearview mirror, my heart aching for my daughter. I knew she wasn’t feeling well, and I finally decided taking her in sooner rather than later was the best idea. She had an appointment the next day, but I didn’t want to wait. I couldn’t wait.
The dark circles under her eyes were darker that morning, and she didn’t have much of an appetite. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she hadn’t had much of an appetite the day before, either. I worried I was being paranoid, but I didn’t care if I was.
This was my daughter, and it was my job to take care of her, no matter how crazy I looked in the process. I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t do something I could have done that would have saved her life — or even just eased her pain along the way.
“I know you don’t, sweetheart; that’s why we’re going to do the doctor,” I replied with a cheerful smile. Time had taught me to always be smiling and cheerful during times like this. The more upset I was with the situation, the harder it was for her to pull through.
I had to be her strength, though I felt far from strong enough to do that for someone else.
We drove along the freeway toward the hospital, taking the fastest route possible. I glanced back once more before connecting my cell phone to the Bluetooth. It looked to me like she was sleeping, though she might have just been resting her eyes for a few minutes before we got down to the doctor.
I felt bad knowing she was going to get jabbed with all kinds of needles, but I tried to focus my thoughts on the positive. I didn’t want to think that the cancer might be back or that her remission might be over. I wanted the doctor to tell me this was growing pains, made worse by the condition she’s in.
“Hello?” Maisie answered the phone, sounding irritated I had called her.
“Maisie, I’m on my way down to the hospital. Kellie’s not been doing well the past couple of days, and I wanted to get her looked at.”
“Doesn’t she have an appointment tomorrow or something?” Maisie asked. There was something about her voice that made me wonder if she had been drinking. It was early, but then, she was never one to pass up champagne at brunch with her friends. I shook my head, though she couldn’t see me.
How did a mother not know when her own daughter’s appointment was?
“I didn’t want to wait,” I replied. “She’s got dark circles and no energy. If there’s something we can do for her, I think we should.” I looked back at Kellie as I spoke, and there was no response. I hoped she had fallen asleep and wasn’t listening in on this conversation.
Part of me knew it would be better to wait and talk to her mother when she wasn’t anywhere within earshot, but I didn’t have time. We were on the way to the hospital now, and I felt her mother deserved to know what was going on.
“Sounds to me like you just don’t care about throwing money at the medical field. You know they are a bunch of rip-offs,” she said dryly.
I grimaced. I didn’t want to have this fight with her. Not here, not now. Not with our sick daughter in the back of the car unable to even keep her eyes open from the exhaustion she was feeling.
“It’s really not that, Maisie. I really am concerned that she’s not doing well. Besides, it’s got nothing to do with you what I decide to spend my money on. If I’m going to do this for my own peace of mind, then that’s my decision, not yours.” I chose my words carefully. I wanted to get my point across, but I didn’t want to get into a fight. It took very little between the two of us to erupt into an argument these days, and that was the last thing I wanted to happen.
But, I wasn’t going to sit and let her accuse me of just throwing money away as though it were nothing. She was the one who was always after me for the money. I was just doing m
y best to keep her happy and make sure Kellie was getting what she needed.
“Okay, you say that, but I know how expensive they are. Don’t think that I’m going to just stand by and ignore the fact you are dumping hundreds of dollars down the drain while neglecting my needs!” I rolled my eyes. Of course, she was going to turn this back around on her and ignore the fact our daughter might very well have cancer once again.
“Look, Maisie, I didn’t call you to get into an argument about this. I wanted to let you know that I’m taking our daughter to the hospital just so you knew what was going on, that’s all. If you don’t have anything to add to this situation, then I’m going to hang up now and get back to what I was doing, alright?” I hoped my tone showed how put out with her I was, but I doubted she would care.
I glanced back at my daughter once more, wondering for the hundredth time how I ever made things work with that woman. She had been this way for as long as I could remember, and I couldn’t for the life of me recall why I had gone through with the relationship and the marriage in the first place.
“That’s why,” I muttered as I looked at Kellie’s angelic face. I would go through all of it again in a heartbeat if it meant that I could have my daughter all over again. I didn’t care that she had cancer. Cancer was the monster that was tearing her away from me; it wasn’t the inconvenience her mother was making it out to be. I guaranteed Kellie wouldn’t have chosen to be sick if she had any sort of say in the matter.
But, as it stood, she didn’t. She was a victim of the situation, and she was relying on us — on me — to fix it.
“What did you say?” she asked, and I realized she was still on the phone.
“I wondered if there was anything you wanted to ask before I hung up. There’s a few more calls I need to make before I get to the hospital,” I replied.
“No.” The word was spoken with a flat, deliberate tone, and I left it there.
“Alright then, I’ll talk to you later.” She said nothing in reply and hung up the phone, leaving me shaking my head. We were getting closer to the hospital, and I knew I needed to get those other calls out of the way. Those other calls, of course, being work.
“Hello?” Molly’s voice came through the phone.
“Molly, I need to talk to Stella. I didn’t have her extension,” I said.
“One moment.” She put me on hold for a moment, and I promised myself I would learn Stella’s extension as soon as I got back to the office. Or, better yet, I would get her personal number. She was practically my assistant — far more than just a secretary. She might as well have my personal number.
“Hello?” It was Stella’s voice, but it lacked the standard enthusiasm she often had.
“Stella, it turns out I’m not going to be back in the office today. Do you think you can handle it on your own?” I felt a twinge of guilt run through me. I shouldn’t have been such a dick to her.
“Yeah, I’ve got it handled,” she said. She didn’t pursue it, and I let the words hang in the air.
“Thanks, I’ll get back to you as soon as I know anything,” I said simply. I wrapped up the conversation quickly. She wasn’t asking for details, and I didn’t want to give any even if she did. This was my business, and I was going to take care of it the best I could on my own. I always did.
I hung up the phone and sighed, settling into my seat. I had to relax. I couldn’t remember the last time my stress was this high. I couldn’t let it go on like this. I had to get it fixed, or I was going to run into health problems of my own.
I had to.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Miller. I know this isn’t the news you hoped to hear. It’s not what any of us were hoping for.”
The doctor looked at me with compassion in his eyes, but I wanted to scream. He had just confirmed my worst fears. The cancer had returned — and this time, it looked like it had come back with a vengeance.
The remission she had been in for the past few months was gone, and we were back to square one. No more checkups with the hopes that we were going to walk out with a clean bill of health. No more telling her she had defeated cancer and didn’t have to worry about it any longer.
No more sleeping well.
With the cancer back, I knew there was little I could do but start the treatment all over again. I could, and I would, do anything in my power to make sure my little girl pulled through this stronger than ever, but each time this happened to me, I panicked it was going to be the last time.
My mind went in a hundred different directions at once, and I worried about some of the places it landed. I refused to picture myself as the father standing next to his daughter’s grave. I refused to picture myself as having to make the decision of continuing treatment when it was no longer working or subjecting her to more pain than what was necessary.
I refused to think about any of that. In fact, all I could think about right now was that I wanted to see her myself. “Where is she?”
“She’s on her way to the oncology unit. We’re going to run some more tests and see what else we are looking at. Right now, we just know that the cancer has returned, and that’s it’s not looking good. But, it still could be better news than you think. No cancer would be ideal, but perhaps we are going to be able to clear this up with minimal treatment.” He spoke with an optimistic tone, but I could see in his eyes that he was far from optimistic.
So was I. I couldn’t be optimistic thinking about my little girl hooked up to all those machines, being subjected to treatment I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I thought about all the nausea we would be dealing with once again. I thought about the crying and holding her, and how I was going to be there for her through it all.
I felt anger rising in my chest. I wanted to let it all out. I wanted to blow up. But, I knew that wasn’t going to get me anywhere. There was nothing but treatment that I could turn to now. I nodded.
“Well, let’s hope for the best then. I’m going to go make a few phone calls, then can I go to her room and get things set up?” I asked. The doctor nodded. He reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. This wasn’t the first time this man had to be the one to give me the news.
“Take your time. Let one of the nurses know when you are ready, and she’ll take you down to the right wing. You can get everything set up in there and make yourself comfortable. Once the tests are done, we’ll have Kellie sent down there, and you can wait for the results.” He smiled, but it was a tired one full of compassion and understanding.
I stepped out into the waiting room, taking a deep breath and waiting for the lump to clear out of my throat before I called Stella once more.
“Hello?” her voice sounded different than before. There was clearly more compassion in it.
“Hey, me again. Listen, I’m not going to be back in for the foreseeable future. Something’s come up, and I’m going to be working from home for a while,” I said.
“Oh no! Is there anything I can do?” She didn’t ask for details, which I was grateful for, and she offered help. At that moment, I didn’t know if I wanted to break down in tears or if I wanted to hug this woman.
“You know, there is. If you could stop by the hospital during lunch and get my key, then go get a few things from my apartment, I would be very grateful. I will compensate you for the gas and the errand,” I said.
“No, no, don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it,” she said quickly. Again, I could hear the compassion in her voice. She almost sounded worried, and I felt tempted to tell her what was going on. The moment passed quickly, however, and I shook my head, bringing myself back to the present moment.
“Thank you, I appreciate it,” I said. We wrapped up the conversation, and I rubbed my eyes with my thumb and index finger. There were tears present, but I wasn’t going to cry. Kellie needed someone to be strong for her — and I was that person. I wasn’t going to break down in tears. I was going to be there for her.
I had so often told myself there was no one there for me, and I would be stron
g for both of us, but the fact of the matter was that Stella was changing that. For a brief moment, I felt she was there for me. And, it made me feel far less alone in the world. Far better able to handle this situation.
But, I wouldn’t let my mind dwell on that. More importantly, I needed to take care of my daughter.
I needed to get her room ready for her arrival.
Chapter 12
“So that’s what’s in here,” I muttered to myself as I glanced around Anthony’s bedroom. It felt strange being in his apartment when he wasn’t, and I wanted to grab the few things he had asked me to get and get out of there. It felt bigger, emptier without him, and I felt like I was violating some privacy by being inside, even though he knew I was there.
I had a short list of things he had asked me to grab, and I found the totes he told me he had in the kitchen. I filled it with the office supplies, then I went to Kellie’s room to grab the requested toys and blanket. I felt my heart racing in my chest. I didn’t know what was going on with her, and I was worried.
I didn’t like being left in the dark, and I had to remind myself that it wasn’t my business to ask what was going on, just to get the things that he asked me to get and bring them down to the hospital like he requested.
When I was in Kellie’s room, however, I couldn’t help but notice all the wigs she had lining the wall. There were shelves of mannequin heads, each one boasting a different wig — some brightly colored, some more natural looking. There were many different lengths and styles, but the one that stood out to me most was the rainbow one.
The wig was cut the same as my own hair, but it was a bright, beautiful shade of all the colors of the rainbow. I could only imagine how adorable she looked in it. I slipped the wig in the bag at the last second, then headed out the door, being careful to lock it behind me.
I knew where the hospital was, but Anthony had to give me very specific directions to get to the right ward. I had never been in the family ward before, let alone the ward with all the sick children. Although it was obvious the nurses and other staff members did everything they could to make the place as cheerful as possible, I could sense an underlying sadness about the place. It was as though everyone was forcing a smile when they wanted to cry.
