by Lexi Wilson
I couldn’t get her out of my mind, and I didn’t even want to try. She consumed nearly all my thoughts, and I hoped that would never change. When I thought about being with Stella, I thought things would be okay. Suddenly, all the things that were so crushing before seemed bearable, and I knew we were going to pull through.
Even dealing with the cancer in my daughter didn’t seem as hard with Stella in my life. I no longer felt like I was alone. I didn’t feel like I was the only one fighting this. I felt like we were in this together, and I felt like I could go to her with anything and everything.
I turned to walk back into the hospital, thinking about the next time I would have that woman in my bed. I would pleasure her in every way possible, satisfying her until she could no longer stand up. For the first time in my life, I was with someone who made me want to give everything to her. I didn’t care about me at all.
As long as she was happy and Kellie was happy, then I was happy.
I walked back inside the building, heading up the hall toward my daughter’s room. Though I still worried about having her in the hospital, I was filled with a new kind of hope. It was as though Stella coming by had reminded me that things were going to be okay, and we were going to pull through this.
Perhaps one day the three of us would be living together under one roof, and we could call ourselves a family. It had been so long since I had what I could call a real family, I had almost forgotten what it was like.
Until I met Stella. Now, there was a small part of me that remembered.
And, it felt really damn good.
Chapter 20
I accelerated around the corner, feeling the adrenaline rush through my veins as I did so. I loved driving fast, and when I was happy, I went even faster than normal. I didn’t know what had happened, but it was as though my entire life had changed overnight. I was falling in love, and I was falling hard.
And fast.
I had always felt something with Anthony. Though it had only taken a few days of knowing him before I knew I wanted to sleep with him, I had thought he was incredible since the day he hired me. Sure, he came off as controlling and gruff, but the more I got to know him, the more I could see he was doing that to protect himself.
And, I couldn’t blame him.
He was dealing with a situation I never wanted to imagine myself in, though I knew I was putting myself there by stepping in to be with him. But, I still knew it was different for me than it was for him. He was there the day that child was born. He had held her. He had been there for her through her first words. Her first steps. The first time she had dressed herself. He had even been there for her when she found out she was sick.
I had been the stranger that stepped in, sure, but I was never going to know what it was like to be there for her throughout all the other things that had happened in her life.
Of course, I knew that didn’t make me any less, and I knew that I wanted to be there throughout all the new things she was going to experience. There was a part of me that knew the more I got involved in the situation, the harder it was going to hit me the next time she was hospitalized. And, of course, I would be there worrying and waiting with Anthony while she underwent treatment.
There was a time when I never would have thought I was capable of doing that for someone. But, the more I found myself in the situation, the more I knew I was going to have to rise to the occasions as they came. I was happy to do it.
No, I was proud to do it.
I couldn’t believe the shit that little girl had been through in her life. I couldn’t believe her mother had been so willing to walk out on her that she still hadn’t seen her since Kellie had been admitted. It was all more than I could wrap my brain around, and I didn’t even bother trying.
My heart was racing with the high I felt. I hadn’t been this in love with someone ever before, and I couldn’t stop imagining what our lives would be like. We would get Kellie healthy, and we would beat the cancer once and for all. I didn’t care how long it took. I didn’t care how hard it was for us to get there.
All I cared about was that the three of us were together, and we were a real family.
My heart sank, and my mood changed, however, when I pulled up in front of my mother’s apartment. I still hadn’t told her I was seeing Anthony. I knew she would accuse me of sleeping with my boss to get favors at work, and I didn’t expect her to understand that what we had was real.
It was just easier to avoid the whole thing, so I kept my mouth shut.
I walked up the walkway, Bella in my purse the whole time. She didn’t like being in my purse when we were at the hospital, but she certainly didn’t mind when we were at the house. She didn’t like being around my mother any more than I did. More than once, I had seen her kick my dog when she had gotten underfoot. More than once, I had fought with my mother about how she treated my dog.
It was part of the reason I had started to take her to the hospital with me. I didn’t know how my mother treated her when I wasn’t home, and it was bad enough I was leaving her there alone all day when I was at work.
I opened the door, doing my best to be silent. Things had been even tenser the past few days with my mother, and I didn’t want to get drawn into another argument. I could smell burnt pizza coming from the kitchen, and I rolled my eyes when I saw the mess she’d made. Clearly, she had passed out and forgotten she had put the pizza in the oven.
She was lucky it hadn’t caught fire, and she hadn’t burned the place to the ground. I worried that was going to happen one of these days, and she would be too drunk to realize it until it was too late. I wanted her to get help, but I worried something terrible was going to happen before she did.
I walked toward my room, but I stopped short when I reached the door.
All my things were gone.
The shelves were bare, and the dresser drawers had been opened and emptied. There was nothing left in the closet, and even Bella’s things were gone. I ran back out to the living room, my heart pounding.
“What did you do?” I demanded before I said anything else. The room reeked of alcohol, and I could smell she was drinking whiskey. She was drunker than normal, hardly able to look in my direction with her eyelids drooping low.
“What the fuck do you mean, what did I do?” she asked. Her voice was tight and nearly screeching, but I wasn’t going to be intimidated.
“Where are my things?” I demanded once more. She shrugged and turned her attention back to the tv.
“Mom! I asked you what you did with my things?” I snapped. She shot a look in my direction, then she made a show of turning off the TV. She rose from her chair and started stumbling to the kitchen, unsteady on her feet. Part of me wondered how she made it through the house without falling down, and I was glad there weren’t any sharp corners for her to hit her head on should that happen.
“What’s the difference? You’re never here anymore, anyway, so I thought I would pack up your shit and get it out of the way,” she drawled as she cut the burned pizza into slices. I shook my head in amazement.
“What do you mean, in the way? It was all in my room where it was just fine!” I snapped. I looked around the room, trying to find some clue as to what she might have done with my stuff. I didn’t have much. I hadn’t planned to be staying with her very long, so I really only had clothing and the things I needed for Bella. There were some things I had gotten for the bathroom, but one glance in there I could see all that was gone, as well.
“What did you do with my things?” I repeated. She was fighting with the pizza cutter and the pizza, but I slammed my hand down on the counter to get her attention. She jumped, nearly losing her balance as she did so. She whirled around to face me, fire in her eyes.
“I threw it all away! Is that what you want to hear?” she snapped. I looked at her with horror clearly written in my expression, and she laughed. “I put it in the bags and tossed it in the yard. You probably didn’t notice because all your stuff is trash, anyw
ay.”
“It’s not trash, and why did you put it outside?” I demanded.
“Like I said, you aren’t ever here anymore. I figured it would be better to have the space in the room than deal with you coming and going and pretending that I’m nothing more than a burden!” She shook her head and grabbed the whole pizza. She wasn’t able to cut it with her unsteady hands, and she was quickly tired of fighting with it. She shoved it on her plate and went back to the living room.
I heard her turn on the TV once more, but I merely stood in the kitchen, trying to figure out the right thing to do. I wasn’t going to stay here. I couldn’t. If she was throwing me out, I couldn’t trust what she might do to my dog when I wasn’t here. If she wanted me out of the house that badly, then I would go. I was tired of all the fighting, and I was sick of the way she treated me.
I looked around the house. She really had grabbed everything that was mine. I didn’t even have a pair of shoes left by the door. With a shake of my head, I made sure Bella was still secure in the purse, then I headed out the door. Suddenly, I saw the bags on the lawn. I hadn’t thought anything of them at first, thinking that they were trash.
She was always throwing things in places they didn’t belong; it wouldn’t have been unusual for her to put it out there when she should have taken it to the corner. Now, I was glad she hadn’t gotten that far, or I wouldn’t have anything to wear.
Tears had leaped to my eyes, but I was too angry to cry. I grabbed the bags and stormed down to my car, throwing them in the backseat. I opened the passenger door and set my purse inside, then hurried around to the driver’s door and got in. I wanted to cry, but I refused. I wasn’t going to cry over anything that woman did to me.
I left black streaks on the road as I pulled out into the road, screeching my way away from the house as quickly as I dared. I didn’t want to get pulled over, but I was so pissed at my mother, I could hardly see straight. I could hardly see, at all. It was like a flash was in front of my eyes, making it impossible for me to even realize what I was doing.
The thoughts were rushing through my mind faster than I could keep up with them. I didn’t have anyone I could turn to. I didn’t have any friends I could call. I didn’t know where I was going to go. A hotel room would be expensive, and I didn’t have the cash on me to get one.
With a sigh, I decided the best thing to do would be to go down to the office. It wasn’t the most comfortable place to be, but at least it was a roof over my head for the night.
I kept myself together as I carried my things upstairs. I sat down on the floor behind Anthony’s desk, and I grabbed Bella, pulling her close and holding her against me. It wasn’t until I was completely alone that the tears started pouring down my cheeks. They came slowly at first, but the more I held my dog and rocked back and forth on the floor, the more they sprang into my eyes.
For a moment, I thought about calling Anthony. But, I decided against it. I promised him I was strong enough to take care of myself, and I didn’t want to put this on him. He had enough on his mind with his daughter; he didn’t need to have my drama on him on top of it.
I laid down, bunching up a sweater and using it as a pillow. I would figure out what to do in the morning. For now, I just wanted to get some sleep. When I was asleep, I didn’t have to worry about any of this shit. I could forget that my mother even existed. I could be completely happy. I could dream of the life I wanted with Anthony, and I could pretend it was real.
Bella curled up on the floor beside me, sensing that I needed her. I sighed as I reached out and pulled her close to me once more. The tears continued to run down my cheeks, and I held her, sobbing until I was finally claimed by blissful sleep.
Chapter 21
I sighed, closing my laptop and looking up. I had been talking to Kellie while working, but her replies had been getting slower and slower until she stopped altogether. Glancing up, I suddenly realized she was asleep. It didn’t surprise me; she hadn’t been sleeping as well on her new medication, and I found she’d been sleeping more during the day, rather than through the night.
Her breathing had deepened, and I smiled to myself as I watched the slow rise and fall of her chest. The doctor encouraged sleep, but there was only so much I could do to get her to. I didn’t want to give her more medication than she was already on, but I was starting to wonder whether I had the choice.
Seeing her sleeping soundly now gave me hope that she would adjust to the new meds without having to start taking something else. There wasn’t much hope in my days, but this shred of hope was enough to brighten my mood slightly.
I sighed, considering taking a nap myself. I knew it would be the smart thing to do. I was up with Kellie most nights, so I was running low on energy, too. At the same time, I knew that now would be a great time to get some extra work done. I felt bad Stella had to shoulder as much of the burden at the office as she had, and I knew I should step it up some.
It was my publishing company, and I didn’t pay her enough to run it for me. To help me run it, yes, but not to do as much work as she had been. I sighed. I had to give that poor woman a raise, I told myself.
I got up and silently grabbed my keys off the table in the corner of the room. If I were to hurry, I knew I could slip out of the room and make it down to the office without Kellie waking up. By the time I got back, it would be close to breakfast, and the two of us could order out again. Kellie liked it when I did that, and it made me feel good to do small things that brightened her day.
I stepped into the hall, nodding and smiling at the nurses who made eye contact with me on my way by. I had grown to be on a first name basis with many of them, and there were times I wondered how many of them fantasized about having more of a relationship with me than just taking care of my ailing daughter.
When I got to the parking lot, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a minute. It was a good feeling to sit down and not have anyone around. It was a rare thing for me to be alone these days. Even though I didn’t mind spending the countless hours in the room with Kellie, it didn’t change how hard it was for me to never get a second to myself.
Finally, I sat up and inserted my key into the ignition. My car roared to life, and I was glad I was far enough away from Kellie’s room to not bother her. The last thing I wanted was to wake her when I was leaving. I always felt bad when that happened, and I avoided it whenever it could.
There wasn’t much traffic on the way down to the office, and I took a deep breath as I pulled into my parking space. Although it was Wednesday, it was still early enough in the day I knew no one would be there yet. Molly was usually the first to arrive — at least, she had been before Stella got a job working for me.
Either way, I knew it wouldn’t be likely either one of them would be there before seven, and that gave me two hours to get what I needed, check on a few things, and get out of there before anyone else arrived.
I opened the door to the office, almost dropping my keys at the sound of a dog barking.
“What the fuck? Bella?” I asked as the little dog came running over to me.
“Anthony?” Stella’s voice was surprised, but I could hear she was also startled. I looked up and saw her peeking over at me from behind my desk. Her eyes were bleary and her hair disheveled, and she looked as though she were entirely disoriented.
“Stella? What are you doing on the floor? What are you doing here? What the hell?” I looked at her, then the dog, then her again, shaking my head and clearly trying to make sense of the situation. She rubbed her eyes as she got up, brushing at the front of her clothing and clearly doing what she could to make herself look more presentable.
“What are you doing here so early? Aren’t you supposed to be at the hospital?” she asked, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She looked at me from head to toe, but I merely shook my head as I looked at her.
“That doesn’t answer my question. What are you doing here?” I asked.
She looked down at herself, then
at the things she had thrown around my desk. I could see the embarrassment in her eyes, and it was clear she didn’t know what to say. I tried again “Come on, Stella, you can tell me anything.”
She smiled and looked down, then she looked at me once more, but I didn’t see any humor in her smile. It was as though she was trying not to break down in tears. She opened her mouth to speak, but shook her head as she closed it again and looked the other way. I could see the tears brimming in her eyes now, and I tried once more.
“Stella?”
“My mother kicked me out,” she said at last. I raised my eyebrows. I had no idea she was even living with her mother, let alone that her mother had the power to kick her out of the house.
“What? What do you mean?” I asked I didn’t want to pry, but I also didn’t understand. She was a grown woman, and she didn’t strike me as someone who was hurting for money.
“Things haven’t been the best for me lately, and I found myself in need of a place to stay. I didn’t want to, but I had to move in with my mother. It was supposed to just be temporary, but it’s hard to get ahead. We’ve never gotten along, but I guess I was hoping things would be different this time, you know?” She looked at me with a smile, but I only shook my head slightly.
I didn’t know what she meant. This was all entirely new to me, and I had no idea how to even respond to what she was saying.
“She’s an alcoholic. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself, and well… I don’t know. I was on the verge of moving out anyway, but I guess she beat me to the suggestion.” She smiled, but it was a pained, weak smile. There was a look in her eyes which led me to believe she wanted to say more, but she wasn’t going to. It was clear she didn’t fully know what to say, or perhaps how to even say it.
