by Lexi Wilson
“Okay,” I agreed. “Listen, I should get going. I have someplace to be.”
“With Matthew?”
“Yes.” No need for him to know we have a spa date. I’ll just let him think whatever he wants about us. “Don’t forget that she has to be dropped off at school tomorrow by 8:15.”
“Yep, I know.”
“And she has homework tonight.”
“I’ll help her with it.”
“And she needs a bath before bed.”
“I know, Evie,” he said gently. “I know. I got this, I swear. And if we get stuck, we will call you, alright?”
“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly. “Bye, Hannah!” I called out.
“Bye, mom,” she shouted without leaving her room.
I nodded politely at Brett and opened the door to let myself out. As I walked away, I heard the door close behind me, and there was a sense of finality in that moment. Everything about my divorce from Brett was now all too very real. It was truly done and over. It was the final nail in the coffin.
I probably should have felt like a weight had been lifted but instead, I felt more weighed down than before. Was I doing right by Hannah and our unborn child? So far Brett seemed committed to the idea of being a stay at home dad, but for how long? I feared he would become bored with this life and go back out on the road and put himself into another perilous situation and end up worse this time than before. I didn’t want that for my children, and I would protect them as best as I could.
I drove to Matthew’s and pulled into his driveway, tapping the horn to let him know I was there. He appeared a few moments later with a wave before he pulled his door closed and jogged down the driveway to my car. He slid into the passenger seat.
“Hey, mama,” he greeted me with a smile. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay,” I answered as I backed out of the driveway.
“How did it go dropping off Hannah?” I sighed. “That bad, huh?”
“It wasn’t bad at all. Brett purchased new furniture for his place, and he got Hannah an entirely brand-new bedroom set and decorated the room with hockey decor. He got all her favorite foods, and even remembered her favorite toothpaste.”
“Hannah has a favorite toothpaste?”
“Yeah, she doesn’t like the minty flavored ones, and there’s a particular fruit flavored one she likes. And he remembered. I never thought he cared to notice that stuff before. At least he never showed it. But he knew.”
“Guess he paid more attention than you knew.”
“He wants the three of us to go to a hockey game together. He knows someone who knows someone who got him tickets to see the women’s team in Boston.”
“That’s really cool, Ev. Hannah will love that.”
“I know, but I don’t want her to think if all three of us go that it means something. I don’t want to give her false hope about Brett and I getting back together.”
“What would be wrong with that?”
“Everything.”
“Explain, please. Evie, that man clearly loves you. It was written all over his face at Hannah’s play. And it sounds like he went to a lot of trouble to fix up the pool house at his parents to make it comfortable and homey for Hannah. He’s been home, what? Three weeks now? Don’t you think if he was getting antsy to get back out there he would have by now? I know that’s your fear and the reason why you’re hiding the fact that he’s the father.”
“He thinks it’s yours,” I admitted quietly.
“Of course he does,” Matthew replied, shaking his head sharply. “Because you’ve let him think we’re together instead of telling him we’re friends.”
“It’s not my fault what he thinks.”
“You could correct it though. Just because you aren’t outright lying to his face doesn't mean that you aren't still lying.”
“Can we just stop talking about this and enjoy the rest of our afternoon at the spa? I really need this since I can’t enjoy a glass of wine and I really wish I could have one right now.”
“Fine, but only because you’re pregnant and deserve a little pampering.”
“Thank you.”
When we reached the spa, we headed inside and were taken into rooms so we could change into robes before being led into another room where our massages would take place. An hour under the masseuses’ hands made my stress melt away, and I felt incredibly relaxed when Matthew and I headed to get mani/pedis after.
As we sat in reclining chairs and had our toes worked on, I leaned back with a happy sigh. “Thank you for being my friend, Matthew.”
“You’ve got my back, I’ve got yours,” he grinned in reply.
“Brett and I used to go get couples massages when we were first married. We had the best sex after,” I said softly, lost for a moment in my memories.
“What was your first kiss like?”
“With Brett?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“It was everything. It was at the end of our first date, and he parked a few houses away from our houses, so my dad wouldn’t see. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and then he leaned in and kissed me. He owned my heart from that minute on.”
“You knew he was the one?”
“Absolutely. He proposed to me in that same car, in that same spot we had our first kiss.”
“Really?”
“Yep. He was so nervous but so cute.”
“Sounds like you had some good times.”
“Very good times. When I would travel with him, we would have the most amazing adventures in foreign countries, just soaking in the culture. When I was pregnant, he was there for every part of it. He was so sweet and attentive.”
“You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think you still love him.”
“You don't just fall out of love, not after all those years. Not even when your husbands turns into a self-absorbed ass who only thinks of himself.”
“Ahh, there it is,” Matthew said.
“There what is?” I asked.
“The root of all your problems. You think Brett is a singularly obsessed workaholic, but you’ve never actually had a real conversation with him about it. You picked fights with him instead. And then you divorced him because you thought it was your only avenue.”
“I thought you said that you supported me.”
“I do, but it doesn't mean I still don't think it is a mistake. I’ve been in a loveless relationship but you and Brett, you don't have a loveless relationship. Yes, you felt neglected, and rightly so, but there is still love between you both, whether you want to admit it or not. You need to tell him the truth, and you need to give your marriage a fighting chance.”
“We’re already divorced, Matthew.”
“Remarrying your husband is not unheard of. Lots of people do it.”
“Can we talk about anything else?” I pleaded. “Please.”
“Fine, but one day I’ll be telling you I told you so.”
After our mani/pedis were done, I drove Matthew home but opted out of our dinner plans, claiming that I was tired. At home, I got a carton of ice cream out of the freezer and climbed into bed with it.
Mathew’s words replayed in my head, and I pondered them. Did I still love Brett? Of course, I did. He was the father of my children, even if he didn't know about both of them. I had tried to harden my heart since his return, but I could not simply turn off and forget all of the years we shared. We had been together for a very long time, and with that came a lot of memories. Aside from the last few years, they were all good memories too. And even in the more recent years when I felt alone and adrift without my partner, there were still lots of happy memories to recall. I could not look back though. I had set my life on this path, and I would see it through. I had to learn to be Evie without Brett. I had to for my own peace of mind, and to preserve my heart.
Chapter 17
Brett
After Hannah got settled in at my house, we worked on her homework, which was simple addi
tion and subtraction. I talked her through the problems, and she was able to answer most of them with little help. I was amazed listening to her, and so impressed by the smart little girl in my presence. She also needed to read for ten minutes, and she brought two books from her book bag to the couch and curled up beside me and read to me.
After she read, it was time for us to have dinner. “What do you feel like eating tonight, Hannah Banana?” I asked her.
“Pad Thai!” she shouted enthusiastically.
“Pad Thai? Really?”
“Yeah! Mommy has been craving it.”
“And you like it too?”
“I love pad Thai, Daddy!”
I was impressed that my six-year-old little girl loved pad Thai, and hoped this meant she had inherited my adventurous spirit. “What else do you like?”
She thought for a minute before answering. “Sushi! Mommy lets me get the octopus. But we have to wait until the baby comes before we can eat it again.”
I laughed. Evie hated octopus and was grossed out by it, so I never ordered it even though I loved it too. “I can take you for sushi when you’re here, princess. Now, how about we order in some pad Thai for dinner, yeah?”
“Yay!”
She ran off, and I pulled out some takeout menus and called in an order to a place nearby. I started thinking about that first time I introduced Evie to pho and wish I could have been there for the first time Hannah tried pad Thai. I hope there are other things I can introduce her to now that I am home. When I tried new things in countries I visited, I did whatever I could to learn how to make it also, so I could come home and cook it for Evie. I used to love cooking for her, and she used to love every time I came home with a new recipe, until that love turned to resentment. I had made her a dish I learned in India, masala dosa, a crispy crepe stuffed with a spicy mix of mashed potatoes that is dipped into the most amazing sauces. I was so proud of myself for getting it right, but when I set the plate of food in front of her, she shoved it away and told me all that she could see was my not being there with her and that it just made her dislike me.
That was our first fight about my job. If I had listened more closely, I would’ve heard her, and I would have stepped back and started trying to fix things, slow down at work, but instead, I pressed on. I couldn't understand why she didn’t see how important my work was, but I also couldn't understand how much she needed me and how I was making her feel. I turned a blind eye to it.
I wanted to be a better father for Hannah, and I wanted Evie back in my life where I knew she belonged. For the time being though, I had to focus on Hannah and making up for missed time with my daughter. This was our first night living our new normal, and I wanted to make sure it was special for her.
We left long enough to pick up our dinner and bring it back home. I grabbed forks and drinks for us, and we settled in at the table to eat. Hannah told me about her day at school, and all about the songs they were learning in her music class. She also told me about her hockey team and asked me to come to her game that weekend. Of course, I agreed to attend and hoped Evie wouldn’t be too annoyed by my presence.
After we ate and washed the dishes, Hannah changed into her pajamas, and then we settled onto the couch to watch a movie together. Hannah was absolutely flabbergasted to learn that I had never seen Despicable Me, so we started the first one. About halfway through, I realized that Hannah had fallen asleep against my shoulder, and I smiled to myself.
I had missed so many of these moments that I let the movie finish and just watched her sleep. When she began to snore softly, I gently lifted her up and carried her to bed. Once she was tucked in, I leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead and brush the hair from her face.
“I will never let you down again, Hannah Banana,” I whispered in the darkness. “I have a lot of making up to do as a dad, but I will always be there whenever you need me from now on; I promise.”
My alarm went off early the next morning, and I rubbed my face in my hands before heading to the kitchen to make breakfast. I grabbed ingredients and bowls and started heating up the griddle to make chocolate chip pancakes for Hannah. As the smell of bacon started to fill the room, she woke up and came into the room.
“Good morning, Daddy,” she said sleepily.
“Good morning, baby,” I told her. “Why don’t you go get dressed for school while I finish breakfast and then we can eat.”
“Okay.” She wandered out of the room, and I finished making breakfast, putting the food onto plates and setting them on the table before she returned.
“Eat up, and then I’ll drop you off at school.”
She dug into her food with gusto, and I asked her about what she would be doing at school that day. Her day was pretty structured, and they had a routine for the day that started with the whole class sharing on the carpet before starting to break into smaller groups for lessons. She had letter land where they worked on learning new words and spelling, and readers workshop in the morning, and then after lunch, there was math and recess and science and social studies before they went to their special for the day. It would be art that day, and she was really excited to get back to work on a special project they were doing for the school.
I lost track of time as Hannah talked and I listened, and before I knew it, we had twenty minutes to get to school on time. I did not want to have Hannah late to school on my first day of our custody arrangement, so as she brushed her hair and her teeth, I threw our dirty dishes in the sink and gathered about Hannah’s backpack. We rushed out to the car and made the drive to school with only a couple of minutes to spare. Hannah hopped out of the car with her bookbag and waved.
“Bye, Daddy!”
“Have a good day at school, Hannah Banana!” I called back.
She blew me a kiss as the teacher helping the car riders closed the door before she ran inside the building. I pulled away and started the drive back home. After parking in the driveway, I trudged inside and started cleaning the dishes from breakfast. The house was silent save for the running refrigerator, and it was such a stark contrast to the night before when it had been filled with Hannah’s laughter. I wish instead of this empty house that I had gone home to the house I used to share with Evie and my daughter. Where was the do-over button when I needed it most anyway?
After the dishes were done, I collapsed onto the couch with my laptop to go through my email, which I had left mostly unattended since my return home. Most of the messages were from colleagues happy to hear that I had been rescued and wishing me well. There were a few from people I had freelanced for in the past inquiring as to whether I was interested in getting back out there, but I sent them short but polite thank you but no emails back.
Towards the end of the unread messages was one from my book editor friend and I clicked to read it.
Brett,
We all were so happy to hear that you had been found and rescued. We all followed the news hoping and praying each day for good news to come out. I can only imagine what you must have gone through.
We still very much want to go forward with the coffee table book of your work, but also would like to sit down with you to discuss the possibility of you writing a memoir of your experiences. We think there is a market to tell your story and would love the opportunity to discuss this further with you.
Please let me know when you are ready to proceed with the photography book and if you are at all interested in hearing our ideas for your memoirs, we will set up a meeting convenient to your schedule.
Best,
Elaine
I pondered Elaine’s message. Was I ready to tell my story or did I even want to share it? I knew I did not want to write about my experience as a captive of war, but I would be willing to discuss it as a part of my whole life and the struggles and successes it took for me to even be at that place. I wasn’t sure I was ready to write it now, but I would be interested in hearing Elaine and her team out.
Elaine,
Thank you for your m
essage and the prayers you offered during my time being held in Syria. It was quite the experience, and there were certainly days that I didn’t know if I would come out on the other side or not.
I am not sure I am ready to tell my tale yet, but I would be interested to hear what you have to say. I know that if I was going to write a memoir, I would like to talk about my entire career and not just that small part of it.
I am settling some things in my life here, but I should be ready to get back into getting things together for the coffee table book in the next couple of weeks. Perhaps we can set up a meeting to discuss everything in about a month? I am not working at the moment and am not planning to go out on any jobs, so my calendar will be wide open.
Brett
After I sent the email, I closed the laptop and looked around the room. It was nine in the morning, and I had no idea what to do with myself. I knew how to be a really great photojournalist, but I had no idea how to be anything else. It was time for me to learn my life all over.
Chapter 18
Evie
It was almost Thanksgiving, and we had gotten through the first week of Brett and I sharing custody of Hannah. So far things had been going well, but his first weekend with her was coming up and I knew that was going to be an adjustment, but we would get through it. At least that’s what I kept telling myself. I wasn’t looking forward to the weekend alone where I would have to try and keep busy, so I wouldn’t dwell on the current state of my life. It had been weird enough not having her in the house the first two Wednesday nights she had spent with Brett, but Hannah was enjoying spending time with her dad, so I couldn’t complain even though it had made me feel incredibly sad and lonely.
Since Thanksgiving was coming up and then Christmas, the school was promoting a week of giving back to the community. All the classrooms were participating in different projects every day and Hannah had been adamant that Brett help her with her projects. When Hannah had asked him to come over and help, I had been a little annoyed that he had so eagerly accepted without asking me first if it was okay but for Hannah, I was going to suck it up. For the past week Brett had come over after school and had spent a couple hours at our house in the early evening, and the three of us together worked on Hannah’s projects. We went through our pantry and cupboards and collected non-perishable food items to donate to our church’s food bank. We went out and purchased items to fill several shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. We made cards to mail to deployed service members. Hannah even made one for the soldier Brett had met in Syria that had been a part of his rescue and that he still kept in contact with.
