by Dora Hiers
Jillian smiled, soaking in the joyful sound, as she brought up the rear of the caravan of horses. It had been a long time since she’d heard Carson laugh with total abandon.
Muscles strained under his cotton pullover shirt as his wide shoulders moved in stride with the horse. One hand resting on his thigh, his denim clad legs stretched a long way to reach the stirrups.
When he’d left Harrison after graduation, he’d been thin and lanky, somewhat awkward in his own skin, impatient and indecisive. He’d come back home thin and gaunt, but somewhere along the way, he’d filled out the gangly spots with muscle and definition. He was kinder, more gentle with his words, and selfless with his actions. He seemed more satisfied with who he was and what his purpose was.
As if that wasn’t enough, now he was a man of faith.
She’d loved him then. But now? The man was literally driving her heart crazy!
She blinked, hoping to wipe away the image of him sitting confidently in the saddle from her brain. She’d had enough trouble sleeping lately.
As the leader of the caravan, he was too far ahead for her to hear his reply to Ben. Just then Carson laughed again and angled around in the saddle, caught her staring at him. His wink started a tingle from her boot-covered toes all the way up to the top of her head. Oh, she had it bad!
Carson seemed different today, acting rather strange, smiling as if he was hiding some big secret. What was up?
“Jillian, this has been so much fun today.” Shy, sweet Maria had slowed her horse to match Lightning’s plodding pace at the back of the pack.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” And she was. She still hadn’t dared admit to Carson, but she was glad that he’d talked her into being part of Beauty in the Scars. She hoped that they could make a difference in the lives of these teenagers, yearned to help them see that there was life after burn injuries.
“How much longer do you think it’ll be before the redness fades from my face?”
Jillian lifted a palm. “I couldn’t say, Maria. What do the doctors tell you?”
She shrugged and her puffy lips pressed together as she mimicked her doctor’s voice. “‘Every person’s body heals differently.’ And then he pats my shoulder and says to give it more time, that it’s just been a few weeks.”
Jillian nodded. “He’s right, but that doesn’t make it easier to accept, does it?”
“No.” Tears glittered from the girl’s dark lashes.
“It will get better, Maria. You’ve seen some of my scars. They never go away, but they will fade.”
The teen’s chest rose and fell as she stared straight ahead. “I’m thinking of dropping out of school.”
“Oh, sweetheart, no.” Dread pitted in her belly. “How do your parents feel about that?”
Maria shrugged again. “My mom doesn’t want me to. She says if I do, I’ll end up doing the same job as them, bending over all day, picking crops. Moving around from place to place.”
“And your dad?”
“He doesn’t care. I think he’d appreciate the help actually.” Maria glared at the ground as the horses meandered along. “My boyfriend ditched me.”
Jillian blinked. So now they were getting to the meat of the issue. How did she respond to that when the same thing had happened to her? Jillian’s gaze jerked ahead to Carson’s back.
“He may just not be ready, Maria.” Now that the words left her lips, she knew that to be true of Carson. He hadn’t been ready thirteen years ago. Was he now?
“Yeah. Or he may just be disgusted with my scars.”
“If that’s the case, then he’s not the right one for you, anyway.”
“True.”
“You’re still the same person inside, Maria.”
Maria’s dark head bobbed up and down, tears welling up in her espresso colored eyes. “I know. But why can’t he see that?”
“It may take him some time to come to grips with it.” Again, Jillian’s gaze flitted to Carson, sitting solid and straight in the saddle.
Just then, he angled around to check the line. His warm gaze settled on her, a sweet and tender look on his face, before turning back to lead the group. Had it taken the death of his friend for him to realize that Jillian was the same person underneath the scars she bore?
Or maybe it was that God had worked a miracle in his life. Carson had returned home with a different perspective, a new man almost, with the passage of time and the birth of a pure faith. He seemed so…at peace with who he was now. More settled and content.
Up ahead, the last bend in the path would take them back to the barn.
“Is that what happened with you and Carson?”
Jillian’s head whipped around to face the teen. “Wh-what do you mean?”
Maria’s puffy lips pressed firmly together. As if she knew Jillian wasn’t being upfront.
Jillian gulped. The girl deserved to know what she was up against.
“Maria, we both had so many issues to work through, and not just my scars. High school’s a tough time to deal with powerful topics like this.”
“Tell me about it.” Maria rolled her eyes, her fingers gripping the reins so tight, her knuckles turned white.
“Neither one of us was ready. We were both so young and had a lot of growing up to do.” At the time she thought she’d been ready, but looking back, she knew otherwise. “If we’d have committed to each other back then, it would have been a disaster.”
“And now?” Maria’s expression appeared rather sly, almost sneaky. What was up with that?
“Now?”
“Are you both ready now?”
Her horse stumbled and readjusted his footing. Jillian used that second to compose her answer. “That’s up to God and Carson.”
Maria grinned, secretive-like. First Carson, and now Maria? What was up with them?
Then, just as quickly, Maria’s lips clamped firmly together, and her face clouded over. “I don’t think I’m ever getting married.”
Jillian smiled at her new friend. “Oh, I imagine you will. Some guy will come along who knows that beauty is far more than skin and a curvy body. A man who will love you and treat you like a princess.”
Exactly like Carson. Checking on her house after the storm and repairing her broken window. Rescuing Purrtygirl and gifting her to Jillian with a sweet explanation as to why he’d chosen her. Holding down a job and settling himself securely in Harrison. Organizing this group of burn victims to encourage and inspire them, to give them a renewed sense of confidence and self-worth, to see themselves as beautiful, as loved.
Had he done all of this for her? To show her that she was loved and beautiful to him? Did Carson love her? He’d never said those specific words yet, but he had told her over and over that she was beautiful.
****
Carson led the motley crew of riders into the yard, the leather of the saddle creaking as he turned around to count heads, making sure nobody had veered off track. Really, it was just an excuse to latch gazes with Jillian again.
Every time he turned around, he caught sight of those smoky eyes staring in his direction from underneath the cute cowboy hat he’d settled on her head this morning. Then, her lips would curve in a delightful smile, so shy and sweet, so innocent.
Looking at her would never grow old.
Excitement, anticipation for their future, bubbled up in his gut as he turned back around to face the front.
Remi stood next to the fence, elbows parked on the rail, her hat slung low over her head. She nodded at him, the prearranged signal that everything was ready. The posters were stacked against the fence next to her, the blank side facing outward.
God, please let Jillian say yes. Help us to move on with our lives. Let this be the first day of a new beginning for us, the dawn of a new life.
“Whoa!” He tugged at the reins, stopping his horse near Remi, and dismounted.
His sister took the reins from his hand and gave him a quick hug around the neck. “I love you, Carson.”<
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“Love you, too, Remi.” He squeezed her back, his heart banging rather loudly against his chest, the swishing sound in his ears drowning out the commotion of teens dropping off horses and moving over to the fence. Sweat dampened his palms.
He rubbed them against his jeans and whispered another quick prayer for peace. With You, God, all things are possible, if I just trust Your plan, and I do. I know You’ve got this covered.
His gaze skittered over the tops of the horses as he scoped out the status of his helpers. The group had secured their mounts by looping reins over the fence rail. Five girls looked expectantly at him, waiting for the signal, posters in their hands, hiding the written side against their chests.
Jillian dismounted. She stood next to Lightning, rubbing the horse’s flank. When she turned around, her sandy brows arched as she took in the group huddled by the fence until her gaze settled on him, questions clearly visible in her expressive eyes.
“What’s going on?” she mouthed, her head tilted at an adorable angle.
“Trust me,” he mouthed back. His lips twitched.
He flicked his head once. Let the proposal begin.
Maria held up the first poster so that the dark bold writing faced Jillian. Jillian turned to read the sign.
“A very long time ago lived two best friends.” Having memorized the phrases on each poster, Carson said the words aloud, his focus on the one he loved.
Jillian stood motionless next to her horse. Shock spread across her face.
Amanda stepped forward with the next one. She held up the giant board so that it covered her face. Carson heard her crying. In the edge of his vision, he saw Maria’s arm reach out to stroke Amanda’s back.
He mashed a hand across his own eyes, barely checking the tears from flowing.
“One friend was young and stupid. He left to find his way in the world, to discover who he was and what he wanted out of life.” Struggling to keep the moment memorable for Jillian, Carson wrestled the words out, past a scratchy throat, his voice husky with emotion.
Soft clicks from the camera on Remi’s tablet interspersed with the swishing of horse’s tails, the occasional hum from the llamas, and sniffles from the girls.
Cassie’s sign was next.
“The other friend stayed right where she belonged. She already knew who she was and where she was meant to be.” He cleared his throat, the moment that would make or break their future drawing near. He licked his lips as Sasha stepped forward, lining up with the other girls holding their posters.
“It took a little longer, okay, a lot longer, for the other one to realize who his heart belonged to. But he finally came to his senses and…”
Jillian’s cheeks scrunched, and she swiped at a trail of tears.
Joi was next to move up to the line.
“He returned home. To God, and to his beautiful, sweet treasure, Jillian Sutthill.” His voice broke on Jillian’s name, and he stepped forward, a perfect peace blossoming in his heart. He was confident that God would continue to nurture the tiny mustard seed of faith that He’d planted in Carson’s heart. He trusted that God was stronger than the events in his world and that He would see them through until the end.
He dropped to one knee and took hold of Jillian’s hand. In the background, Remi’s camera clicked.
Jillian’s eyes were wide pools of molten emeralds. Twin trails of smudged mascara lined her cheeks. She was never more beautiful to him than this moment.
“Jillian Sutthill, your friendship has always been a precious gift, but I hope, I pray, we can expand and build on that friendship. You are beautiful, Jillian.” His eyes dared her to say otherwise. “And I want to say those words to you every day for the rest of our lives. I want to show you that I find you as perfect as God does until one day you finally believe it. I love you, Jillian. Will you be my beloved? Will you marry me?”
Her free hand cupped his cheek, and he covered it with his, holding his breath for her response. “Yes, Carson. I will marry you.”
He let out a whoop and shot up to wrap her in a hug. He lifted her off the ground and spun her around until her boots dangled in the air and her sweet laughter spilled out.
The girls screamed and the guys high-fived each other with big old grins on their faces. Remi kept snapping the camera.
All he could think about was waking up every day to the sunshine of her smile. Going to bed every night with her snuggling next to him. Making babies and watching them grow. But when their lips connected, all thoughts fled except for that moment.
Exactly where God wanted him to be.
Epilogue
The day was finally here.
Jillian wished that she could say she always knew that it would eventually arrive, that she’d trusted God with Carson and with her childhood love. But, truthfully, more days than not, she’d lost faith that this day, this event, would ever actually happen.
Mellow tunes drifted in from hidden speakers in the bridal room at their small church, but the soft music did nothing to soothe her busy hands or to still her pacing. She stepped over to the full-length mirror and smoothed her hands down the luxurious gown, the one Remi had insisted was perfect for her.
Jillian hadn’t been so sure of it.
It was strapless, and that meant some of her scars would show. And it cost a few dollars more than she’d budgeted. Since they’d invited just a handful of close friends and family for the intimate ceremony, Jillian hadn’t wanted to splurge on such an extravagance, but Remi was right.
She loved the way the soft folds of the satiny white gown swirled around her sandaled feet, but more than that, her heart rate sped up, remembering the appreciative gleam in Carson’s eyes when she showed it to him online.
She hadn’t been able to bring herself to buy the dress that day. And when she’d gone back later, it wasn’t there. Three days later, Lessa and Ryan presented it to her as a gift, saying that if Jillian’s parents had been alive, they’d have bought it for her.
Jillian knew otherwise. The fire had ripped away her parents long before they’d died.
“Pinch me, would you?” She had to be dreaming. Now that it was here, she wasn’t sure it was real.
Remi laughed. She slipped her sandals off and nudged a stool in front of the mirror, then stepped up on it, pins in her hand. “Now would you please stop pacing for a few minutes so I can put these in your hair?”
Jillian stood in front of the stool, willing her legs to stay in one place.
Remi stuck a pin with delicate little flowers accentuated with pearls through her hair then mumbled past another pin pressed between her lips. “I don’t need to pinch you, Jillian. It’s really happening.”
“Has Carson—” Jillian hesitated, rubbing her moist palms together.
“And yes, before you ask, Carson arrived at least a half hour ago.”
“Really? He’s here? You sure you didn’t mistake him for Camdon?”
Remi leaned around to stare in the mirror at Jillian, her dark eyebrows arched, her tone dripping sarcasm. “Can’t you tell them apart?”
Jillian nodded, gushing. “Of course. Carson’s always the one who makes—” She moaned, finishing the sentence silently. My heart race. Camdon had never even caused her pulse to skitter.
Well, maybe he did the first few times she saw him after Carson had vanished. But that’s all it was, just that immediate rush of pleasure, thinking that Carson had returned. But, her heart had always yearned for Carson, never his brother.
“I’m sorry, Remi. I just—” She had been so afraid to voice her deepest fear. That the past would collide with their future, and he wouldn’t show up.
Remi stepped down from the stool and pressed a hand against Jillian’s arm, peering at her with soft eyes. “I know.”
A knock sounded on the door. Lessa breezed into the room and stood beside them, slinging an arm around both their backs and gazing into the mirror. Smiling, her eyes softened with tears. “Oh, Jillian! You’re so beautiful, hon
ey.”
“Oh, Mom, please don’t cry.” Remi ripped a couple tissues from a box and handed them to her mother. “You’ll ruin your makeup.”
“I know.” Lessa dabbed at the moisture rimming her eyes then tossed the crumpled tissue into the trash container. Convenient. Probably for just that purpose.
“You don’t want Jillian to start crying, do you?” Remi scolded, a pout transforming her normally sunny face. “Or me?”
“No.” Lessa wagged her head back and forth, her grip tightening around them. She squeezed Jillian’s shoulder, a sweet smile lighting her face. “God’s blessings are spilling over on me today. Jillian, I couldn’t love you anymore if you’d been my own biological daughter. You’ve always been a part of our family, but now it’s official. Welcome to our family. Oooh, I better leave because I don’t think I can stop.” Lessa planted a soft kiss somewhere in her hair and when she pulled back, tears now trickled down her cheeks.
“Love you both!” Carson’s mother ripped a couple more tissues from the box, and then hustled from the room, leaving behind a faint whiff of lavender.
Jillian’s chest lifted and fell as she sucked in a giant gulp of air. This dear, precious woman would soon be her mother!
Another knock sounded on the door. “Jillian?”
Carson?
Remi hurried over to crack open the door. “Carson? You know you’re not allowed to see Jillian. What do you need?”
“Whose rule is that, anyway? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!”
Jillian smiled. She’d always wondered the same thing.
“I’d like a moment with my almost-wife.” His tone sounded slightly exasperated. “Sweetheart, can you just come to the door? I promise I won’t peek. Not that I don’t want to. Just can’t see through this tiny sliver.” Carson’s voice zoomed in and out. As if his face was plastered to the opening in the door then moved away.
Jillian grinned. Yeah. Camdon had never made her heart zig and zag or sing for joy.
