I know, stupid thing to get annoyed about. Like slow drivers and people taking too long staring at a shelf in the supermarket.
I take my last bite of mince pie and feel a certain self-loathing for having eaten it at all.
The seat opposite me is pulled out and DI Gostkowski sits down. DI Gostkowski, with whom I had a brief fling earlier in the year. A low point for both of us. Well, certainly, for her it was. She could do a lot better than me. It was only a low point for me in that I was feeling low at the time. Having said that, not a lot has changed in that department.
'How are things, Tom?' she asks.
We haven't worked together since I got back. Indeed, we've barely spoken, just the occasional nod as we pass each other in a corridor.
'Much as they usually are,' I say. 'How are you?'
She dumped me, that was how it went. So there's that inevitable stiffness of conversation. The dumper and the dumpee. Technically, of course, we'd just been fuck buddies, so there shouldn't have been any actual dumping, but in reality, when it came to it, I didn't want to stop and she'd had enough. So she dumped me. As a fuck buddy.
'Good,' she says. 'You looked a bit rough this morning. Who was she?'
I hold her gaze for a moment and then laugh.
'Just, you know.... didn't know her name.'
'Was she worth it?'
I take a sip of tea. Still too hot, even though I've already finished off the two hundred and seventy-five calories of the mince pie. Candour bubbles its way to the surface.
'You know,' I begin, then look up at her again and let myself fall into her eyes, 'it did the job. I wanted to go home, I wanted to... God, what am I trying to say...? I didn't want to kill myself. I don't want to die. Not yet. I don't think so. Not yet. Some time soon. But last night, my head was right there, right there waiting to explode, and if I hadn't gone out and got drunk and found some girl throwing up on the street who was ready to be taken home and fucked, well I was going home on my own and I was going to take a knife, and I was going to slash the fuck out of... I don't know... my arms, my legs. I don't know. Then I was going to throw up and fall asleep in my own puke and blood, and I was going to wake up, if I actually ever woke up, at six a.m. feeling like utter, total fucking death.'
She doesn't say anything to that. I wonder if she sat down thinking she'd have a couple of minutes idle chatter. I wonder why she sat down at all.
'So, I never got her name, and I know I couldn't find her house again, but yes, she was worth it. She got me through the night.'
'Have you spoken to anyone yet?'
I'm about to ask what she means, but I know what she means and she knows I know.
'No.'
'What happened with the doctor? Dr Sutcliffe?'
'Shagged her,' I say bluntly. 'Thereafter it didn't work out so well.'
She smiles ruefully, but the smile dies quickly.
'What is it you're not talking about, Tom?'
'Don't,' I say. 'I can't.'
We stare across the narrow canteen table. I'd been doing fine today. I mean, it's not like a great fucking day or anything, but I'd got my shit together enough to be able to get through it. Enough to be able to contemplate a night sitting alone at home watching lousy TV that was going to end with me going to bed well before midnight and without any alcohol tripping through my system.
'The alcohol,' she says, not picking up on the fact that I desperately want her to stop talking, or else, choosing to ignore it, 'is one thing. You're in the west of Scotland. Ninety per cent of people in Glasgow with a problem exacerbate it by adding alcohol to the list. The sex addiction is much more suggestive—'
'I don't have a sex addiction!'
A little too loudly. There were probably about six women in here with whom I've slept who heard that. I lean forward and lower my voice.
'I don't have a sex addiction.'
'How many women have you slept with this year?'
'What does that matter? I'm a man. I'm not currently married. And yes, fucking boo hoo, I'm lonely. I need the company, and, yes, yes, I admit, having fucked up several marriages, I'm a bit of a commitment-phobe. So, what's the answer? Casual sex, that's what.'
'There's a gap, and it's a pretty big one,' she says, 'between casual sex, and you, who would have sex with every single woman you ever meet.'
'That's...' I start to say, but then cut it off. I can't say that's not true. I'd be lying.
'You're forty-five...'
'Six.'
'You're forty-six,' she says. 'You ought to be at a stage where women are people, not just sex objects. You've worked with them, and worked for them, you've seen them as victims and as criminals, you've been married to them, and soon enough your daughter's going to be one of them. Women can be all things in life, just the same as men can be all things. Women aren't just there to have sex with.'
An intense look across the table. The narrow table. Her lips look great. Those are lips that have been everywhere on me. She's wearing a white blouse, open at the neck. My eyes start to drift.
I close them.
Jesus, stop it! It's not about her lips! It's not about her blouse! She's trying to talk to you!
'You need help, Tom,' she says.
Deep breath. I open my eyes. She's right. Jesus, of course she's right.
'Hey, guys, this is too funny, shouldn't laugh 'n' all, but you just can't help it sometimes.'
Morrow lays his tray on the table, sits down next to Gostkowski. God, here comes someone with even less empathy than I have. Even I'd have spotted that there were two people sitting in a giant bubble of fucking emotional tension.
He takes a spoonful of chicken, rice and plastic sauce then talks through it.
'Young Tommy,' he says, and he's smiling, 'was partial to granny porn. We got into his school locker, and there were, like, serious magazines in there. I mean, you know, it's pertinent to the investigation 'n' all, but it's too funny, man. You should see this stuff.'
Gostkowski gives him a glance, turns back to me, gives me one of those think-about-what-I-said looks, then gets to her feet.
'I'll leave you boys to your investigation.'
I watch her go. Morrow takes another mouthful.
'Man, and you know, I mean these days grannies can be anything, can't they? I mean, you get, like, thirty-year-old grannies, so actually granny porn needn't be all that bad. But young Tom, he liked 'em old. Old and wrinkly. And you should see some of this shit, man. Those grannies will do anything. Anything!'
16
Sunday morning. Church. Taylor is at St Mungo's. He chose that one as Connor would be there and he wouldn't want to risk his loose cannon of a Detective Sergeant anywhere near the superintendent. So, I get to come to St Stephen's at the bottom end of Main Street. The church that went rogue.
Not so far from the immaculately fragrant public toilets.
The fourth church, the small one at Halfway, on the road out of town, has already been sold off. It's currently being converted into a house, in a kind of Grand Designs affair. Taylor had a look round, spoke to the new owners, decided there was nothing doing of interest to us.
Morrow's already had the job of speaking to those from the St Stephen's congregation to whom Maureen had dispatched her missives in the past couple of years. Those had rather tailed off in recent months, however, with St Stephen's unilateral declaration of independence.
Maureen was obviously cheesed off when she discovered that the congregation owned the building and were therefore in a position to make the move, while those at the Old Kirk were wedded to the greater church. However, grumbling about that aside, it seems there might be little else for St Stephen's to contribute to the story. They've gone their own way, and perhaps there's reason for others to be resentful of them, but seemingly little reason for that resentment to go both ways.
St Stephen's are like the man in an unhappy marriage, beset with unhappy teenagers and an unhappy, miserable home life. The parents split up, the mum is lef
t at home with the kids, while the dad gets a job working in Boston or Singapore or Ouagadougou, buggers off on his own and gets to live the life of the merry bachelor, leaving the stresses, strains and aggro behind.
That's almost me in my marriage, without the moving to Singapore part.
So Maureen and some others at the Old Kirk were left bitter and resentful, while St Stephen's happily gets on with its life, a lone wolf among churches.
The word is that it's all the minister's doing, and I can see it now, sitting here, listening to the sermon. We've sung some songs, he's done his little bit for the kids – and there are lots of kids – there have been readings from the Bible, and I couldn't help but notice that one of the blokes seemed to affect a bit of a Sean Connery, and now the Reverend Jones is onto his sermon.
He's talking about God.
Usually I'd have switched off by now and would be letting my mind wander to get me through to the end. And yes, Detective Inspector Gostkowski, it's not entirely unlikely that I'd be thinking about having sex. That usual fantasy of mine, lying back on a sofa, one woman sitting on my face, another watching us, masturbating, before coming over and taking my aching erection into her mouth.
Church. We're talking about church.
I probably shouldn't be thinking stuff like that in church, should I? There's bound to be a commandment covering that. Because there weren't just ten commandments, you know. I think I learned that on QI. There were like fifty or something. Or fifteen. Can't remember exactly. But one of them was pretty much guaranteed to be along the lines of, when you're in the house of the Lord, thou shalt not fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time.
Anyway, I don't even need to let my head disappear into the usual clouds to get me through the sermon. This guy is good. I mean, he's still talking about God as if he actually exists, and he talks about Heaven as though it's an actual place where people end up, so you know, the subject matter is bonkers, but he knows how to hold an audience.
It's a bit like listening to Hitler. What he's saying is nuts, but you can't help but admire the delivery.
Usually on Sunday mornings I have other things to do, like lie in bed, or crawl to the bathroom to vomit, but if I didn't, I can think of worse things than coming to listen to this fellow. This guy is charisma in a dog collar.
He almost has me believing that if I devote my day and my life to helping others, and think not of myself, that I will sleep more easily at night. Weird.
However, like all these people, like all leaders whose attraction is based on charisma, there's something about him. Something that doesn't quite click. I wonder how many don't like him, how many people decided to switch to the amalgamated churches.
And yet the attendance here belies the feeling about the church in general that we've been picking up the last few days. This place is almost full. And the notices that are read out at the start, and that are also printed at the back of the order of service, list all sorts of other services and events around the church. A Sunday evening service. A Wednesday morning service for young mothers. The Church Guild meeting. The Bible Group. The Sunday school. The monthly Sunday school outing. The church trip to York Minster. Choir practice. And that choir at the back isn't the usual collection of octogenarians, slowly dying off as the years pass. There are teenagers in there.
Coming to this place is like hoofing it back to the 1930s.
The service ends with a call to arms, or at any rate, a call to a cup of tea in the halls at the back. I have my orders. And where else am I going to go this afternoon?
Well, I'm going to sit in a pub and watch Dundee United versus Kilmarnock, that's what. Dundee United versus Kilmarnock. Booyah! What choice have I got in this empty, unrelentingly miserable life? Sit in the pub watching lousy football – with Newcastle United versus West Ham to follow! – or sit at home and chew my leg off.
Nobody would sooner chew his leg off than anything. Not really.
THE COFFEE IS PROVIDED by Costa. Really. They have someone from Costa serving hot drinks at the back. I guess the church picks up the tab. I wonder if anyone just pitches up after the service to grab a latte. It's the kind of thing that people do.
The hall is pretty busy, and there are people grabbing a coffee and going to stand outside. Lovely autumnal afternoon, slight chill in the air, but just the right amount of chill. Beautiful day.
The minister is doing the rounds. Not sure if I'm going to talk to him here. Playing it by ear. We'll come and have a chat with him in the next day or two.
I stand on the periphery, taking in the scene, but it's not long before someone comes to talk to me. These church people have an eye for the newbie. There's a stranger in town, so they want to talk to him, and establish whether he's passing through or whether there's an opportunity to absorb him into the collective. Sure, the Church of Scotland aren't Scientologists, they're not going to get psychotic on me or try to plant a chip in my ass, but it's similar.
'Hi,' she says.
See, they know who they're dealing with. They sent over an attractive woman in her thirties as their envoy. Attractive women in their thirties are my kryptonite.
No, really. Even more than all those other attractive women. Still got the body, but not stupidly young, not inexperienced, less likely to be hurt by my commitment-phobia, more likely to be attracted to my seeming indifference and that strange melancholic quality.
Hey, it is what it is.
'I'm Philo Stewart. I run the Bible study group with my husband on a Saturday evening. How are you?'
Bible study group on a Saturday evening? Holy shit. Never realised this place was such a party town.
And Philo? Hmm. The fuck kind of name is that? Short for Philippa, maybe? Shit, a, that'll be it. Jesus, poor bastard.
I hope all that runs through my head without getting anywhere near my face, but my history in that respect ain't so great.
As she speaks she indicates a fellow in a shirt and tie in deep conversation with a couple of old women. He's not looking over.
Unlike some, I see marriage making the woman even more attractive.
'Very well, thanks. Great coffee,' I add. Bibble babble.
'Yes, isn't it? It's only been going a few weeks, but it's a great idea.'
'Seems kind of odd. I presumed there'd be tea and biscuits made by old women with blue hair rinse, wearing tweed.'
She glances around her, presumably checking that none of that lot are listening – she needn't worry as most of them will be deaf – then smiles as she turns back.
'Well... it was like that until fairly recently. But with this whole merger thing... You know, sorry, I didn't get your name? Are you new to the area?'
Rats. It was all going so well. A decent cup of coffee, kryptonite-lady, and there she was, starting to burble on about the merger, which was why I'd come. And she's just caught herself in the act, and stopped her tongue before it picked up a head of steam.
As discussed with Taylor, there's no point in pretending to be something I'm not. No point in being undercover. It's a small town, with every chance of stumbling across someone that we know, or someone that we've arrested.
'Detective Sergeant Hutton,' I say.
The cloud crosses her face. Such a shame.
'You're working?'
'Not really. I mean, I'm not here to interview anyone, nothing like that, but equally I'm not here because of religious reasons. Just... my boss wanted me to check things out.'
'Related to the suicide of that old woman?'
'Yes.'
'Or was it murder?'
I smile but don't answer. She seems to relax a little, glances around the busy room of churchgoers. She gives me a look that seems a little conspiratorial. Bang on, that's what we need.
'You think someone here might have had something to do with her death?'
'Not really.'
'OK... so why the visit?'
'Covering all angles,' I say.
'Due diligence?'
She smiles. Naturally I smile back. Grateful that I didn't drink anything last night, so consequently don't look like three kinds of shit this morning.
'So,' I say, because I might as well run with this to see where it gets me, 'you know everyone here? Is there anyone who, if you suddenly heard they'd been arrested for the murder of old Mrs Henderson, you wouldn't automatically think, holy shit, I didn't see that coming? You know, someone who'd have you nodding sagely and saying to your husband who runs the Bible group, I said, didn't I? I said he had the cold eyes of a killer.'
There's the smile again.
'I run the Bible group, and my husband helps,' she says.
I nod, but leave the conversational stick in her hands.
'Not here,' she says. She glances around the room, turns back, shaking her head. 'It's not like I'm going to say to you, oh yes, old Mr Crackjaw, he'd been banging old Maureen for years and wanted her dead. Just... I think we've talked enough. We're in the phone book. Top end of Glenvale Road. Give me a call, and maybe you could come to the house.'
I nod, stop myself saying anything which implies that I like the fact she's inviting me on a date.
'Would you like me to introduce you to the minister?'
What the Hell. 'Thank you.'
IN THE OFFICE OF THE Reverend Jones. Unfortunate name for a vicar. I keep thinking of Jim Jones, and all those poor fuckers he had put to the sword in Guyana. Maybe that's just me. There are probably hundreds of Reverend Joneses around the world who have never been responsible for the deaths of nine hundred people.
Like this guy.
'But you didn't know right from the off that you'd be able to break away? You were in the mix for the amalgamation at the start?'
He considers this for a while as he lightly plays with the teaspoon in his saucer.
'I think I always knew. I know what you will likely think, that I didn't actually know, not in the way in which I was in possession of the facts. But I knew. We never really got involved with the project, not in the manner in which the others did. They fought it out between themselves while we remained on the periphery. I think they believed that we were trying to be above it, that we would bide our time and then produce some Machiavellian masterstroke, borne of artifice and deceit, to win the contest. Church of the Year 2013. Ha! It wasn't for us. No, I think we always knew that something would come up, that the Lord would help us in whatever way he saw fit.'
DS Hutton Box Set Page 59
