Immediately, she clamps her trembling lips together. This is Yuri and Sage. This is us. And before this moment, before I forced myself into her life again a month ago, before I didn’t give us a chance four years ago we were an unstoppable force. We knew one another inside and out. And although this is new, and this scares the hell out of me. This is still Sage. My Sage. The girl I’ve cared for from the moment I laid eyes on her.
“Don’t try to explain.” I tell her, and she nods quickly squeezing her eyes shut. “Look at me.”
I tilt her head and watch as she struggles to meet my gaze. Her swollen, puffy eyes does my head in. I’m lost for a moment. By hurting herself, Sage is hurting me. And although the pain sears across my heart, this isn’t about me. She is self-harming. So, fuck how I think or feel at this point. This is about her and what she needs.
“Sage, if you want me to be here, I’ll stay. If you need to be alone…I’ll go.” I whisper, as every cell in my body screams for me to not give her the choice. The pad of my thumbs clears the tears from beneath her eyes as I continue. “We can talk. We can get you help. Just tell me what to do for you.”
Her teary hazel eyes capture me as she exhaustedly peters out her words. “I…want to sleep…I’m so tired.”
Enough said. I gently scoop Sage into my arms. Her hands come up and loop around my neck as I carry her to her bedroom. In the dark, I feel myself to her bed. Then I lay her down softly. When I go to pull away she keeps me locked to her with her hold around my neck.
“Don’t go.” She pleads. “Please, I’m scared.”
My body falls beside her, and I draw her closer. I press my lips to her ear and murmur to her softly. “I’m here.”
This all feels familiar. It’s because we’ve been here before. In bed, holding another for dear life. There’s no place, I’d rather be. I’m here for her. I came back for her. I’m not going anywhere.
“If you leave again,” she murmurs. “I won’t be mad.”
“I’ll never leave you again.” I promise.
Sage drifts off to sleep clinging to me, with her fingers tracing circles over the tattoo bird. Hours later, the ticking of the analog clock blurs with the rest of the room. I’ve cleaned the cut and bandaged her arm but the white gauze doesn’t make me forget. She needs me like I need her, and I should never have left.
Chapter 11
Sage
When I open my eyes, I’m in my bedroom. The weight of Yuri’s arm keeps me pinned to him. At his side, my body awakens. I’ve molded myself to fit beside him so that I can feel him closer to me. The heat pouring from his large frame has my temperature up. I can sense his hard-masculine smell dropping my control threshold. I am aware of every part of me and its relation to Yuri and that’s dangerous.
I feel his thigh crossed over mine. Heavy, thick and muscular. I gradually become aware of Yuri’s fingers in my hair. I smile when I remember drifting off to sleep with the sensation of them pulling gently at my curls. I can feel his lips touching the nape of my neck as he breathes softly there. The feeling ignites goosebumps down my shoulders. My nipples pebble into hard peaks and my stomach tightens.
I grip the sheets when the pulsing starts to drum into a constant throb between my legs. Groaning inwardly, I move my face into my pillow, thinking somehow that will save me. But when I do, I smell him even more deeply. It’s an intoxicating dose of air, that forces my breathing to change. Fast. Rough. Like I’ve been running a race instead of begging myself to find a sense of control.
“God,” I moan breathlessly.
What the hell is wrong with me? I fight to pull my body away from his. It’s a desperate attempt to get my head above water. But in his sleep, he isn’t going to let me go. Yuri holds me tighter and pulls me closer and damn it, I’m drowning now. There is no escaping. I bite my lip and shudder. It’s another struggle to keep the moans at bay. Where’s my control? After all, I’m an athlete. Body control is vital. I should be able to win this battle with desire. Instead I’m succumbing to every new and sudden urge rippling through me.
Lifting my head off the pillow is not a safety net either. The air is full of him. I take a deep breath and let him fill me. But it’s not enough. Nowhere near enough. I want to wear his scent on my lips, my skin and between my thighs. Inside and out. No. Laying here with him beside me is not enough and that is my downfall. That simply complicated realization forces me to turn and face him.
An electric jolt pulses through my heart, when I look at Yuri. I decide that I like the way his long dark eyelashes brush the skin under his eyes. He has edges to his face that make him look roguish even in his sleep. And yet knowing him the way I do, makes me smile. He’s hard to read with everyone else. But never with me. I get lost in the content way he breathes. So peacefully. Like lying here beside me is the most natural thing in the world. It all makes my torment even more damning. I can’t stop myself.
I bite my lip and whisper to him. “Yuri.”
He doesn’t stir. I blink once, and my hand is in the air, caressing the scruff of dark hair along his cheeks.
“Yuri.”
Beneath his eyelids, his eyes flutter to my touch. Ever so slightly, his enticing lips part for me. I lean into them. Hypnotized, hungry and hot. Yet, before I can close the short distance between us, Yuri’s eyes pulse open. It’s too late for me to stop and whose to say that I would if I could? I submit to the need coursing through me instead. And I touch my lips to the softness of his.
I expect apprehension. I prepare myself for rejection. What I get is the world falling away. Our embrace deepens as our tongues dance together sensually. Neither my heart nor my breathing can keep a normal rhythm. My hands hold the sides of his face as he tangles fingers into my hair while pulling me further into him. Every second that goes by, we take more from each other. Soft skin. Wet lips. My sex throbbing for his. Our breaths mixing to one. His body covering mine. Moans that carry me away into infinity. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and when he pulls back, his electric blue eyes peer through the darkness at me screaming the same.
“I love you.” He huffs above my swollen lips.
My body quivers as his mouth possessively makes its claim once again. He has given me no chance to properly respond. And I believe that’s the point when he scoops me up to him. He moves quickly and drowns my own declaration with peppered kisses to my lips, chin and neck. Together we claw at the material barriers separating us. If we both could just get closer, maybe the burning will stop. Maybe the ache will subside.
Our clothes float to the ground and we are sweat pricked, hot, and skin to skin. The flames only burn more intensely. How is that possible? With no foreseeable answer, I arc my breast into his chest as he covers me again. The sensation of my hard nipples scraping across his bare chest sends me trembling. Yuri feels it too. He smiles against my lips and gathers me in even tighter. My legs instinctually butterfly apart, as he settles at my entrance. When I feel his dick pressing into me, I hold my breath and I dig my nails into his back, bracing myself for the inevitable.
“Your body is like a rose.” Auntie Carrie had said. “Every time a man touches you, you lose a petal. Your body wilts.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. Not able to shake those words from my head or the shame.
“Don’t let the world confuse you. Sex ain’t about pleasure. It’s the way a man controls a woman. The second you let him in, he leaves behind a piece of his soul and he owns you for the rest of your life.”
I was eight years old when she gave me that speech. Those words terrified me. So much so, that I never questioned them and never spoke to Momma about what Auntie Carrie taught me.
“Sage?” Yuri’s finger strokes down the side of my face. “Where did you go?”
I turn back and peer up at him. My heart pounds against my chest. If this is so bad, why am I still dripping wet? Why do I want him inside me so badly?
“Nothing.”
I push up and bring our mouths together again. By doing so, I release
the purity that I’ve held on to for so long. Let me become every sinful thing my aunt said I would be for this one man. And if he left a part of his soul in mine, it would only add to what was already there.
“Nothing at all,” I moan.
Yuri bites down on my lip and then moves along the tender flesh of my neck. With both of his hands wrapped in my hair, he enters my pussy full throttle. I cry out when my opening doesn’t yield the way he expects. The sensation of my thin barrier making contact with his cock causes every muscle in Yuri’s body to go rigid.
“Fuck.” He groans, dropping his head to my shoulder. “You’re virgin, Sage.”
I nod slowly, trying to ignore the way I’m stretching below to accommodate him. The searing pain is what Auntie Carrie said sluts would get. Sex out of marriage was a trifling whore’s game. I’d endure painful intercourse from this point on as punishment. But I need him deeper inside. So, I’ll take it.
“It’s alright.” I press my lips to his warm chest. Tears pin prick my eyes. “Don’t stop.”
“Why didn’t you tell me. If I had known—I wouldn’t have been so rough. I’m sorry.”
Yuri cups my cheeks in his palm, swiping away at my tears. I feel even more ashamed If I’d told him first, we wouldn’t be here now, and I want this. I need him.
“Yuri please…I’ve been waiting for you.”
Those words cause him to shudder above me. I break his resolve by working my mouth over his nipple while lifting my hips and pushing up on his thick length.
“Wait.” He says easing my hips back to bed. “We have to go slow. I’m not all the way in yet and…it’s going to hurt, Sage.”
Hurt more? He wasn’t all the way in?!
“It’s okay. I can take it.” I hope.
I don’t want him to stop. We’ve come too far. And I’ve wanted this for too long. The pad of his thumb rolls down my plump bottom lip.
“I know you can. Still, I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have to.”
He presses our foreheads together and I watch him slow his breathing and in doing so he regulates mine. When he finishes, his dick is back at my entrance. Remembering the invasion my body tightens instinctually.
“Shh, relax. It only hurts for a little while. Then I’ll make you feel good.”
His words and eyes feel so sincere. I want to believe him not the things my aunt drilled into my head ever since I got my first period. So, I put her out of my mind. I throw away everything she said about intimacy and I choose to focus on Yuri. I choose to believe him. My failsafe. My escape. Then I reach for him and put our lips back together.
“Okay, I trust you.”
Yuri clenches my hip and presses forward. Tears spring to my eyes as I take him in deeper. The pain takes me by surprise even though I expect it. It’s short lived but intense. He lets me whimper into his open mouth before passionately taking my lips again. In seconds he removes all memory of pain and replaces it with a sensual and breath stealing kiss. The pain subsides ever so slightly with every pulse of Yuri’s hips. Eventually pleasure is all I feel. And I feel it through each cell in my body.
I’m so hot that I’m melting right from my core. It’s not long before I drip around his cock and meet his deep thrusts. I give my mind permission to block out everything but this moment. I don’t care what mess this might create or what his earlier declaration of love truly meant. I am only enjoying the sensation of his dick deliciously stretching me open. Nothing more.
Too soon, the heat of him increases, his speed increases, my heart rate increases. My stomach muscles tighten and yet I feel as if I could float away. In the dark, I grope at his sweat slick-skin, moaning past his ear words and hard sounds.
“Gah!!! Yessss, Yuri! Right there! Right there!”
“Cum for me Sage.” He moans into the sex saturated air. “Give it to me.” He urges with the hard pounding that’s driving me into the headboard.
“It’s yours!”
“Then give it to me!”
“Fuck! Yuri!!”
I bite into his shoulder and he tosses his head back and lets out a throaty moan. Yuri’s palm presses into my ass when he lifts me off the bed and drives deeper. I grip the headboard and at the brink of my pleasure abyss, I dig my nails across his back and make my request.
“Inside—cum inside me.”
Yuri crumbles beneath those words. We meet at the sacred junction of our hips over and over until he fills me to the hilt. I’ve never felt so complete. So full as he drains himself in me. My own release is propelled forward. We shatter together spilling out our noisy explosions so that the sheets stick to us when we collapse on to the bed from pure exhaustion.
More.
One more time. Before the night is through. I’m sore and I ache. But I crave him above all else. So in the middle of the night we come together again. Finding bliss and an unyielding erotic fever inside one another that can not be extinguished even after we have fallen apart.
Yuri
In the morning, light struggles to stream through frostbitten windows. We still have not managed to untwine ourselves. Neither one of us can justify a reason to break our intimate connection. Therefore together, we sit with her knees bent at my side. Her soft creamy cheek rests in the palm of one hand. The other smooths her strong feminine calf. I am captivated by the sight of Sage’s exposed bronzed skin. Most of it is on display for me to marvel at. But her heavily scarred arms are at her side and turned away from me.
I’ve been watching her intently. Only glancing at the clock every now and again to keep track of the time. Twenty minutes have gone by since I’ve asked my question about making breakfast. The only indication that she heard the words that I spoke, was the soft way her breathing changed, as her body clenched in my embrace. I clear my throat, pressing the pad of my thumb down her jaw, tipping her eyes to mine.
“Sage, I just want to get us breakfast. I’ll only be gone for a little while. And then I’ll come back.”
Our gazes never meet. Her eyes fall close at my touch and it’s just more silence. Thicker than the one before. This one seems like it will last even longer. I can’t brace myself for what I can’t expect. When she’s like this, she is so unpredictable. But just two minutes in she parts her lips and begins to speak. Her voice is hoarse and hollow as she utters her words. I wait for them on bated breath and with an aching heart.
“You want to know the why, don’t you? Why do I hurt myself? Everyone always wants to know why.”
The serious edge in her tone makes me weak. I grip her leg, like it will somehow ground her to me and keep her from floating further away. Then without warning she places her tawny-brown pools on me. They shimmer with an ache that I can’t begin to describe. But I would welcome death a thousand times over if it would remove the pain that I see in them.
“If I tell you,” Sage sniffles. “Will you hate me? Will you leave me again?”
She came to me to before. She tried to share her pain with me and what had I done? What did I say? I did what everyone else has done most of her life. I refused to see her pain. Told her it didn’t exist. She was being dramatic. I shamed her. Why? Because I was scared to death for her. I loved her deeply and I couldn’t lose the one girl who means the world to me. I thought I was helping. I thought it would fix her. It only made things worse.
So, I have to do it better this time. Set aside my feelings and focus on Sage, the person. I need to see her for who she is and not the scars. If I can’t, I will lose her for good. And I know that I’ll never have this chance again to make things right between us.
“I can’t take back what I did or the things I said. But I can promise that I am better man for you today. That if you want me to, I will love you through this and after it. I’m here, Sage. Do you understand? I will not leave again.”
Chapter 12.
Sage
“I need you to look at me.” Yuri chases my gaze. “Look at me and say that you understand.”
I swallow softly and
will my gaze to his. It’s hard. I’m so ashamed of who I am. Ashamed and terrified by the choices I make when it comes to myself. I’ve gone over this in my head a million times. I justify it. I explain it and I regret it. But I do it over and over again. And it’s madness.
“Sage, I’m here.” Yuri assures.
He’s here for me. Deep down, I still question his motives. Yes, I’ve got trust issues. I’ll be the first to admit it. But you don’t get this way through osmosis. It takes pain, real heartache to make it hard to trust. And I’ve got that. I’ve tried to let Yuri see this part of me and when I did, he betrayed me. He walked away and never looked back.
My eyes scan the blackbird on Yuri’s chest. His representation of me. She doesn’t look so delicate. She doesn’t seem so fragile perched there on his chest with her watchful eyes. Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I be what he sees me as? Because I’m not. I am what my aunt made me to be. Her little champion. Her money maker. Her puppet on ice skates.
Eventually I end up staring at my fingers. Wrapping them around each other while we sit in our own thoughts. He said he loved me. I don’t think he should. There are other girls Yuri Meshkov can fall in love with. Girls with much less issues. Who aren’t so fucked up. He would be happier with them.
Yuri places a kiss to my forehead. With his lips still pressed there, he whispers, “Nothing you say, could ever change the way my eyes see you or how my heart loves you. Sage, I’m yours.”
Those are the words that finally get me out of my own head. Wet and round circles cascade down my chin and dot the beige sheet draped over my lap. I try not to think of the past. I make myself try to forget that when Yuri saw my scars the first, he rejected me. He pushed me away. I want to give him a chance, but the fear is there. I’m scared of getting hurt for the same reason twice.
My heart beats like a hammer in my chest. My confession dangles from my lips. I face Yuri’s hypnotic gaze and try to keep my voice steady. His fingers slide down the length of my arm tenderly. I relax against the soft circular motions and I give in to him. I trust him again and I pray that I don’t live to regret it.
Black Ice Page 9
