“Please. You need this.”
“I can’t.”
I walk out of the apartment. Yuri doesn’t try to follow me and for that I’m grateful. I catch my breath on his doorstep and as I go to make my way back to my car, I hear the ceramic coffee mug slamming against the wall and shattering to pieces.
Sage
“Have you given any thought to coming for dinner next week.” Dean says helping me with my skates.
I lean back on the bench, mesmerized by Yuri on the ice. He’s been warming up for practice for the past ten minutes and I haven’t been able to look at anything else. The way he moves is hypnotic. Color flames into my cheek. I’m seeing us together last night. If I had stayed, would he had made love to me again? Maybe we would have gone to Dr. Hamilton’s together this morning.
“Sage?” Dean questions. “Did you hear me?”
I shake the thoughts out of my head. “Yeah. But I don’t think me coming over is a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Well it’s after Skate America. I doubt Kennedy is going to want to see me then.”
He checks the fitting of my skating. “Roll your ankle sweetheart.” He continues and I do as I’m told. “It’s just friendly competition. I think its good that you’re challenging her.”
“Seriously? She hates me. There isn’t anything friendly about it.”
“She doesn’t hate you.”
“And the sky isn’t blue.”
“Sage.” He scolds me. “She doesn’t hate you.”
I turn my gaze back to Yuri. Colleen has him working on a lift. All I want is to get out there with him. He’s my happy place. I hate admitting it, but he makes the world feel good. God I should have stayed last night.
“Sage?”
I look back at Dean. He’s watching Yuri and frowning.
“I’ll think about it.” I tell him.
He helps me up and on to the ice. “That’s all I ask.”
The last few weeks have been harder than I expected. I’ve put this wall between us. He thinks it’s for my protection but I’m trying to save him.
I slowly make my way up to Yuri’s side. He’s just separating from Colleen when I arrive. When he sees me; he smiles. He always smiles even when I know he is upset with me now. His gaze moves between my lips and my eyes. It’s like he can’t ever decide which one he likes the most.
I twist around him to warm my leg muscles and get adjusted to my skates. But mostly it’s to get a little distance, so I can get a hold of my feelings. It doesn’t take long before I glance behind and see Yuri skating toward me. He catches up to me quickly and wraps his arms around my waist.
“What are you doing?” I chuckle.
“Helping you warm up properly.”
His larger hand closes around mine. Our touch ignites nervous butterflies to dance in my stomach. My brain tells my heart to slow down. But when does the heart ever listen? Certainly not when we’re gliding around the ice together, telling secret jokes and laughing like children.
“I’m sorry about last night.” I tell him shyly.
Yuri shrugs. “Don’t be...Sage, I just want what’s best for you. I don’t care about anyone or anything else. We can see the doctor after we compete at Skate America. Like we planned.”
“Thank you.”
Yuri pulls me into a tight squeeze. I kiss his cheek and let him move me along the ice to finish our warm up.
After about fifteen minutes Colleen calls to us from the rink side. “Alright, you two. I think that I finally have it!”
Yuri and I look at one another skeptically. She has been working tirelessly to find us the right song for the start of the Grand Prix. In less than a week we’ll be traveling to New York and we still don’t have the right song. She always thinks she has it, but it never lines up with the choreography she put in place or the jumps and lifts Dean incorporated.
“This time I’m positive.” Colleen grins. “This is the one. “Now keep your mind’s open to this one. I had my husband work on editing this all night. And if this doesn’t play out exactly as I see it, he may divorce me.”
Her nervous chuckle makes me look over at Dean to catch his reaction. He’s gone. My heart clenches slightly. It’s a strange feeling, looking at the side of the rink and not seeing Dean’s face. It’s become a permeant fixture over the years. But lately, he’s been missing more and more of our practices.
“Sage?”
I turn to Yuri. “Huh?”
“We need to try this with the music.”
“Uh—yeah. Sorry. Where did Dean go?” I ask.
Colleen looks up from the stereo remote and shrugs. “He mentioned something about a phone call. He’ll be back.” She starts the music up again. “Right. From the top.”
I let Yuri mold my frame back to our starting position. In the back of mind, I’m doubting what Colleen said. Dean always keeps his phone off during practice. If he didn’t really have a phone call to take, why would he leave?
“Relax.” Yuri smiles down at me. “I won’t drop you. Although to be fair I am feeling a bit weak in the knees right now.”
I snort and giggle at the goofy look on his face.
“Focus!” Colleen shouts.
We straighten up right away and the music starts. Without warning the strangest thought pops into my head. He doesn’t like seeing us together, like this. But why? Why would it matter to Dean?
“Focus Sage!”
Yuri raises his brow at me. I can see him trying to read my thoughts. I apologize and clear my head. I’m just over thinking it. It’s nothing. I have to concentrate on this, right here and right now.
“From the starting position.” Colleen shouts.
Yuri immediately supports my neck softly, tilting it up the way we practiced. His left hand falls to my lower back. I lean my weight into his arms and allow him to cradle me with my hands touching the sides of his face. He looks into me, not at me. My pulse quickens right where his thumb rests and he can feel it. His heavy blue gaze tells me so.
The music starts again. This time I’m ready. It’s Sam Smith’s song Life Support. I notice that and then everyone and everything else disappears.
I’ve been sleeping with the lights on
‘Cause the darkness is surrounding you
We rise together. Our gazes stay locked as we skate. Yuri turns me out from him so that we can spin in unison. Three identical turns on the ice. I hold my palm out and without having a single doubt, I feel his hand clasp over mine. It’s only for a moment but the reassurance is there as he turns me alone so that he can lift and twist me in the air above his head.
Can’t you see that I am yours?
So, will you be my life support?
I’m in his arms and we propel forward together. I forget that we’re on ice we’re so in sync. Our transition carries us into a side by side triple Salchow. We land on cue and quickly come back together to transition into our combo four spin. From the sit spin, I find myself falling into Yuri’s gaze. It’s hard not to.
This is my world, this is my choice
And you’re the drug that gets me through
There’s no time to linger here. The music is picking up in tempo and our biggest combination is ahead. We fight for each jump and spin. We’re pure speed and the sound of our skates coming together on the ice lingers in my mind. I can feel the applause. No, I can hear them even as my chest heaves up and down and the music is slowly dying, Yuri and I are finishing on the ice together.
Just like we practiced, he kneels, and I bend backwards over his knee. As choreographed, I keep my chin tilted away from him. My gaze is focused where the judges will be. Then I feel his hands pull my head back up to him and just like that, I know that I love him and there won’t ever be anyone else for me. That realization hurts, because I can never tell him how I really feel.
He brings us to a stop in the middle of the ice. We keep position for a few seconds as expected. But when those seconds come and go neither of
us move. Not the way we’re supposed to. Instead our lips are drawing closer and the kiss is inevitable.
“My God!” Colleen shouts enthusiastically bringing us back to reality and our lips to a screeching halt. “The two of you are a match made in heaven. Your short program is going to get some hearts racing for sure.”
In a daze, I allow Yuri to help me to my feet. All the while he avoids my gaze. I think he’s trying to appear unfazed by the dance. We both are. Those two minutes and fifty seconds could have gone on forever and I wouldn’t have minded at all.
Yuri
I step out of the locker room with my bag slung over my shoulder and my face in my phone. I missed a call from my mother. Since I told her about me coming to the States, she’s been obsessed with getting back in touch with Sage again. It’s only been a short time that she’s allowed me back into her good graces, so I’ve been slow to share Sage with anyone. My mother included.
“Yuri?”
The high-pitched voice alone makes me cringe inwardly. I turn on my heels and Kennedy is leaning against the wall. I move past her with no intention to stop.
“Do you really think that you can win with Sage?”
“Not think.” I call over my shoulder. “I know.”
Kennedy follows me up the steps. “You would have done better with me.”
I chuckle and make my way out of the arena. Sage is already gone. She caught a ride with Kacee in order to get home and study for some exam. Dean’s car is still outside and that’s where I hope Kennedy is heading.
“Come on, Yuri how many black figure skaters have you seen win Gold at the Olympics? At the Nationals sure. But the Olympics? Not going to happen. You’re wasting your time with her.”
I toss my bag into my truck and face her. “Is that what you think separates you from her?”
“You’re letting your dick get in the way of your career. You tie yourself to her and you’re going to come up short.”
“Wherever we place in New York, it’ll be far ahead of you.”
Kennedy shrugs. “Keep telling yourself that. But we both know, you could have gone further with me. And I’ll prove it to this weekend.”
I climb into my truck and roll the window down. “The only thing you’ll prove is that you’ll never be as good as her. See you in New York.”
How can everyone in Sage’s life be so toxic? And how do I protect her from them all? Can I? I shift into the driver’s seat and try to get my bearings. Even a rose can grow in a bed of thorns. Despite them all, she is still this beautiful and selfless woman and it kills me the longer I watch them pluck her petals one by one. I have to get her to see how poisonous they all are, even if it hurts her. She needs to know.
Chapter 16
Sage
I sit in the green room checking my watch. We were due to go on air in twenty minutes and Yuri is nowhere to be found. He still has plenty of time to show. He’s been distant since we left for New York. I think he’s still a little pissed at me for rescheduling my appointment. And for leaving the way I did the other night. But I’m going to make it up to him. I just have to calm my nerves and focus. They’re getting the best of me. I shift on the uncomfortable burgundy leather couch and pull at the edges of my dress.
“Stop fidgeting.” Auntie Carrie snaps without looking up from her magazine.
The woman has eyes in the front of her head, at the back and at the top. My fingernail polish catches my eye as the silvers pick up the light from the room and shimmers. I wonder if Yuri will notice. If he will like it. I wonder how it will look against his skin when I drag my nails down his thigh.
“What are you smiling at?” She asks narrowing her gaze at me.
“Nothing.”
“Then stop it. You’re ruining your lipstick. Heavenly Father,” she sighs. “Stand up. Let me get a good look at you before you go out there.”
I rise to my feet trying to be graceful in my heels. No one ever said that a good figure skater had to also know how to work a pair of heels. I’d take my skates any day.
“Be funny,” Auntie Carrie says pointedly. “When you go out there. Be graceful. Charming. And remember to smile.”
I nod along checking the clock over her shoulder. I wonder what color Yuri is wearing. Is he wearing a suit? Would he? He isn’t really the suit and tie kind of guy
“Sage!”
I jump. “Huh?”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“No. Sorry.”
“Focus. Don’t go out there just to make a fool of yourself.”
Shaking Yuri out of my thoughts, I try to shift my aunt’s attention elsewhere. Tonight was a monumental step in the right direction for Aspen’s career. She just performed on live tv. And she was awesome.
“Aspen did really good with her song.”
“Mmhmm.”
“We should all get dinner to celebrate.”
“Child, once we done here, I’m getting my behind in the bed. All this traveling is up in my head. I think I’m coming down with something.” She fusses with my eyebrow, picking invisible hairs from it. “I’m only staying up long enough to make sure you don’t ruin this interview.”
I sigh and roll my shoulders back. I want this moment to be more about Aspen than me. For once.
“I’m just saying that tonight was a big deal for her. She could have a record deal in no time.”
“Your cousin sings about as good as I skate. She better hope people didn’t hear her.”
“That’s not funny. Aspen’s a beautiful singer.”
“She ain’t Whitney.”
I angrily shoo her hands away. “Don’t ruin this for her. She’s better than you give her credit for and better than you at everything you don’t.”
Ah fuck. I have no idea where that came from. But it felt good as hell. Sure, my aunt is zero-point-five seconds from slapping this make-up clean off me, but it will be well worth it.
“Take off this jacket.” She snarls.
“What?”
“I said, take off the jacket. Let me see you without it.”
My heart lurches in my chest. I had no intention on wearing this dress without the jacket so I didn’t cover over my scars.
“Now. We don’t have all day.”
“I am keeping the jacket on.” My voice cracks.
“Not if the dress looks better with it off. I don’t know which designer sent it, but I’m sure they want you to show the entire dress.” She snaps her fingers in front of my eyes quickly. “So, take it off.”
My hands shake as I pull at the cuffs and ease myself out of the black jacket.
“Good. Now take a step back.” Her voice trails off as she takes in the condition of my arms.
I always knew she’d known about the cutting. It was just something she refused to acknowledge. In her mind, any problem you didn’t confront simply didn’t exist.
“Well you’ve made a mess of yourself, haven’t you?”
I don’t know how to respond so I move my gaze back to the clock willing Yuri to appear as she examines me. I feel sick under her judgmental microscope. Having to listen to her scoff and suck her teeth at each scar feels like reopening each wound.
“Don’t you get enough attention?”
Attention? You don’t cut yourself for attention. You do it because of moments like this when you’re made to feel pathetic and worthless and it sticks in your head. You would do anything to stop feeling those feelings. So, you cut them out. And that pain is better than the other kind. The emotional kind that lingers and never seems to go away.
“Of course, you do. You get more than enough. How many black twenty-three old women would kill to be in your place? And you just make a mockery of yourself.”
In my head I think that if I just could explain to her how I’m feeling she could try to at least view things from my perspective.
“It’s not that. I’m really stressed, Auntie. I’m not sleeping well. My anxiety is really bad lately and I think my depression is just f
eeding off that. But I’m going to get help.”
She throws her hands up and shakes her head at me. “You kids kill me. You all can’t handle nothing. With your anxiety this. Depression that. Y’all are so weak.”
Weak. Wasn’t there supposed to be strength in confessing that you have an issue and you need help? No, not to her. Mental illness is a weakness. It would always be. I find something to look at other than my aunt. I’m right on time. The clock hands blur into black blobs. The numbers become unreadable. My heart is stumbling in my chest. I can’t seem to catch my breath.
“You wouldn’t be so stressed if you were working out more. And if you cut back on those classes.”
“I need them for my degree.”
“Then stop all that damn complaining. See you’re doing this to yourself. Causing your own problems. There mystery solved.” She says dismissively. “You can send me all that money you want to throw away on a psychiatrist.”
Auntie Carrie isn’t going to understand. She’s so closed minded and I don’t know whose fault it is. Do I blame the era she grew up in? My grandparents? Or does the blame lie with her alone, for not educating herself? Either way, it doesn’t make it hurt less.
My arms get tugged roughly up in the air. “Where’s that smart mouth, now?” She urges. “Got the nerve to talk about somebody and look at what you do to yourself. I may not have talent but at least I have a better mind than to do this shit.”
That resonates with me deeply as a light round of knocking starts up at the door. I’m not good enough and she never ceases to remind me. Auntie Carrie clears her throat and pushes me away.
“Come in.” She sings through her pearly white teeth
“Yuri Meshkov is here. Can I bring him in?”
“Of course.” Auntie Carrie says gleefully.
He was her new favorite person since we agreed to compete together. I look away as the production assistant pops his head in. I don’t need to be told what to do next. Yuri is being ushered inside and I shuffle myself back into my jacket. His presence must make the green room feel incredibly small because before I have my arm all the way in my sleeve, Auntie Carrie is following the production assistant out. As he leaves, he calls over his shoulder that we have ten more minutes.
Black Ice Page 13
